I'm losing patience with you monkeys, y'know - June 7th, 1999 - Allan Milligan
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Don't say I didn't warn you. :)
"Hey Allan", a reader recently asked me, "Why don't you post my letters?" The reason is simple, my dear friend. Because I hate you. | Picking a fight | Dear Mr. Alan, You're got some real balls, taking on all the civilized world by insulting Christianity like you did. I'm a daily reader of the American Guardian, and it's the best thing going, way better than this piece of shit faggoty site GAA or whatever. I can't believe how foul mouthed you are, you and the rest of your faggot Canadian friends. Go back to hell, you fucking mounties. - Jack R. |
Thank you for your intelligent and insightful thoughts, Jack. I'm sure that, with years of study and diligent work, you may yet pass that sixth grade equivalency test. Keep at it. You'll show 'em all. If this is the calibre of readers that the American Guardian boasts, we have little need to fear a sudden resurgence of fascism in North America anytime soon. I remain unconvinced that these guys could successfully complete a level of Minesweeper, much less organize a grassroots movement to mutate American culture into their Bizarro-Christian ideal. | Lunar lovin' | Dear DA: Ever notice how in many RPGs there's a spell, or a technique or something that's supposed to wipe out all the bad guys in a battle, but never does? They never work. Never. Remember "Odin" from Final Fantasy? The only time it ever worked was on baddies so pathetically weak you'd never need to use the spell in the first place. Thank God for "Dragon Grief"! Thank God for Lunar!!! Lord Pendragon |
I really appreciated that, in FF7, Odin either wiped out all the enemies, or actually attacked them normally. Like you said, Odin was totally useless in the prior FF games, too weak to beat important enemies, too expensive in terms of MP to justify using on weak foes. | Is Pokemon wrong? | I'm your average young-adult male. I like sports, I like girls, and I like video games. I especially like Pokémon. I probably know more about Pokémon than you can ever imagine. I have Pokémon shirts, posters, and even a stuffed Pikachu my girlfriend gave me on graduation. Pokémon is to me as Star Wars is to every other geek out there, totally obsessed (no, I don't like Star Wars). People don't understand Nintendo, I think. Nintendo was very concerned on how Pokémon would do here in the states. After all, big fads in Japan don't necessarily mean that they'll be popular here. But, as luck would have it, it's a craze. It's a craze with six year olds to senior citizens; the cash-register at the supermarket admitted that she's into it herself. So, Nintendo plans on milking every dollar out of Pokémon. If that means building a theme park, then so be it. I'll be in line for it someday. Pokémon is a fad; it will die out eventually. Until then, let Pokémon live on. I mean, we could have worse fads (like bell-bottoms returning...oh wait, they're already here agin). I ask you, Allan Milligan, what's your take on all of this? Is Pokémon really stupid? Is Nintendo going to far by building a theme park? Do you think Pokémon's going to crash and burn faster than Hanson? ~~roric |
I've seen train wrecks that did crash and burn as badly as Hanson, so I'm not sure that's a valid comparison. In any event, no, I don't think the Poke-craze is going to be as short-lived as, say, Vanilla Ice, Power Rangers, or POGs (remember those?). That said, I suspect it's going to have much better market legs in Japan than in the US. Japanese pop culture isn't as fickle as the US, and many series and concepts have lasted for years there, virtually unchanged, where their US counterparts have sunk into obscurity in record time. My guess is that the Poke-craze will sustain itself for maybe two more years in the US, at which point it'll die down considerably over here. It won't be off the air, but the "gotta catch 'em all!" impetus will wash away. It'll thrive in Japan as long as Nintendo keeps the market saturated with the games, but I think the theme park is a really, really stupid idea. American cultural icons don't sustain sales very well - the Superman comics barely break even these days, and you think Pikachu's going to be a household name in ten years? I wouldn't lay odds, my friend. | Lies and damned lies | Dear Allan, Well it's about damn time you got to play Lunar, I was beginning to think you were going to loose the wolverines on the poor shipping people.....and that cleaning lady. Whats the connection there? Cleaning lady....Lunar....cleaning lady.....Lunar....im not seeing anything here. So how do you like it? Like you imagined? Well, I hope you have fun and all that groovy stuff, but don't let it interfere with your updates. DON'T BE A DREW! No 2 AM updates. And good god!, doesn't Nall sound totally different? It's because they let a woman do the part, thats just not right. Anyways, to steal an Allan ender, ciao. - Kevin Strange |
Sadly, Drew was mistaken. While I have played the Lunar SSS demo with Virtual GameStation, and it works almost flawlessly (there's minor glitching of the battle theme for half a second as it starts up), I still do not have the full version. Tomorrow, I'm told, is the big day. Yes, Nall sounds different. Then again, Nall is annoying no matter how you slice it, so the sex change doesn't bug me overmuch thus far (i.e. from playing the demo). And, Lunar or no Lunar, I will update the column as usual. Which is usually around 11 PM EST. Which isn't much to be proud of. Shut up. | Choose, but choose wisely | Howdy oh mighty letter guy, Here's the deal, I have never experienced the supposed wonders of Final Fantasy III or Chrono Trigger on the SNES. Sad, I know. I don't have a SNES to make matters worse. You see I am on kind of a limited budget of around $120 - $140. To get all 3 things on eBay is not in that range. Plus I have to get Lunar, FF8 yet. I have a birthday in Nov. but that's reserved for Dreamcast :) I know FFA is coming but what about Chrono. Are they both worth a SNES for. I want to experience old and new. Please think of something and provide council. capkin "Doh" 29 |
There is no Chrono Trigger release for PSX planned, sadly. However, with the impending release of FF6 via the Final Fantasy Anthology, I really can't advise shelling out mucho cash for an SNES for CT alone. It's a great game, but not $120 great. I'd suggest just renting an SNES and CT for about three days, and you can finish it that way, no fuss, no muss, and for a lot less than you'd pay for buying it. Alternately, go the illegal route and download an emulator and a ROM. But honestly, much as I love CT, your money would be better spent supporting the software base of what you do have, namely the PSX. FFA should satisfy your hankering for new and old. | Mother me | Am I the only one in the entire world that likes Earthbound? And am I the only person who sometimes speaks in third person? -Matt- Has Spoken |
No, there are other people who like Earthbound. It came up a lot in the "saving grace" conversation threads, as a game that's deeply flawed, but they liked it anyway. I can see why. I mean, it's got pretty terrible graphics, a setting you'll either find appealingly kitsch or cheerfully fecal, and hell, one of the characters is named Poo. What the hell else do you want? I've been flamed by utterly rabid Earthbound fans, and been crucified for conceding that it does have some sort of appeal by others. Really, the rarest breed are those that are in the middle of the road, opinion-wise, like myself. I don't hate EB, but I don't love it to death. And thus incur the wrath of everyone else. | Square and religion or Thank God for that disclaimer | A lot of people had noted that Square had been borrowing from Jewish religion and Hebrew. Well, I wish they'd quit. One time as I was looking at FFVII scripts, I stumbled across a translation that wrote "Jenova" as "Jehova". Now, "Jehova" is the name of God in Hebrew. So this implies that the "evil, delusion-inducing virus from the skies" in FFVII is Jenova, or Jehova, named after the Jewish God. I might have not thought the Jehova translation authentic, however, if Sephiroth's name has not been (famously) also borrowed from Hebrew. And, as we know, he is going to destroy the world for Jenova's sake. What rankles about Square's "religious critique" deal is that, please notice, they criticize Western cultures but never their own. Square begun borrowing from Western legends in order to make their games more interesting. Then, most hypocritically, they turned around and begun to USE the European/medieval/White setting of their games to generate a black-and-white, sometimes thoroughly nasty characterization of that Western/European structure they borrowed from. And oh yes, it's ALWAYS so much easier to criticize cultures other than your own-- around here we call it things like "prejudice" and "racism", though. My opinion is that here we have a bunch of video-game making men whose heads has grown a tad too big with self-satisfied smugness. I might be wrong in stating this, but I don't know that other companies have done this; it's a Square phenomena, if you please. (FFT, Xenogears, and now, it appears, FFVII.) Is there any advantages to this situation? Certainly. Now that I know that Seph is a nice Jewish boy, he's looking better than ever. Next time you want to destroy the world and need and evil consort, Sephy dear, do call me up. |
Damn Square for always ripping on Western religions. I mean, it's not like they make fun of Hindus, by making real-life religious figures like Shiva and Asura into generic bosses and summon creatures or anything, right? Right? Sarcasm aside, there's a lot of mythology drawn on to create the characters, items, and monsters from RPGs as a whole. Mythology both ancient and modern. Some religions come off a lot lighter than others, simply because they're harder to turn into a clear-cut obstacle - how the hell to you intergrate Zen Buddhism into an RPG? Christianity and Judaism have as broad and deep a well of ideas and icons as any religion, and yes, the outsider status of the Japanese certainly allows them to use such images without the risks that the Western world take in using them. I think it's refreshing. There's a lot of mythic resonance in these old names, stories, and ideas. Frankly, I don't think Square's ambitious enough to do critiques of Western religious patterns. What they do know is that mythological icons and names have power, and that their stories can be given that much more weight if they're associated with these icons. Basically, I don't think Square's interested in serious religious commentary any more than they're interested in the nature of magic. And there are a lot of people who believe that magic really does exist. I think the old adage is best applied here. It's just a game. This isn't a vast conspiracy. It's just a game with some names drawn from mythology. Simple as that. For the record, it's Jenova. With an "n". Always was. | EB World blues | I know what you mean about EB World. I ordered some deal they had on there, it was 5 memory cards for $10. I think it was part of some Shadow Madness promotion. When I finally got them, they charged $50 to my credit card and said that they were $10 each. I talked to my friend and a few other people on IRC and they all said they had the same problem. One person even said he order 10 mem cards and they charged him over $100. They fixed it when I called (after waiting on hold for awhile), but charging over $40 extra to everyone who order those cards is a big mess up. - Some guy who acts just like a drug addicted moron hatched in an Intel Pentium III commercial |
The horror, the horror... gack. That deeply sucks. Personally, I refuse to deal with EB at all these days. They've just proven to be totally unreliable. My money might as well be dropped into a paper shredder. | Majority rules | Hey, I finally know why you won't print my damn letters. I thought beforethat I had pissed you guys off by saying that gaming SUCKS! (which it stilldoes). But, nooooo! That wasn't it. Now, I am finally beginning to understand. You don't like me cause I'm white. Eggman |
Eggman's figured me out. I'm pro-gay, pro-equality, anti-male, anti-Christian, and anti-white. This has its roots in my self-hatred, since I am currently a white, technically Christian male, though some surgery in the near future will alter at least one of those parameters. That established, yes Eggman, it's true, I hate you because you're white. I blame you for the oppression I am a part of. I blame you for the holes in the ozone layer, and I sure as hell blame you for my having a really big nose. And you should beg me for forgiveness if you know what's good for you. REPENT! REPENT! | Getting me laid | After reading your sad, sad tale of sexual deprivation, and the unfathomablefailure of your column to get our beloved Double Agent some action, Iimmediately set to work on a plan, and I've come up (no WD-esque punintended) with a few suggestions. Unfortunately, these suggestions are alllame, absurd, nonsensical and stupid, not to mention that they're barkingenough to make Timothy Leary choke on his blotter tab. If he wasn't dead.Fortunately, today is the Second Coming of Lame Letter Day, a serendipitouscircumstance indeed. So put on a Marvin Gaye record, and get ready to GET ITON! 1) You've got leverage! As the writer of an insanely popular column, you'vegot the power to elevate the thoughts of the everyday reader to the heightsafforded by Internet Press (one step more credible than bathroom wallscrawlings, but still), as well as the power to vault them into eternalelectronic life via the miracle of the archive, encoding transient thoughtinto immortal 1's and 0's. "How's that gonna get me some?", you'represumably asking, scratching your ugly (I refuse to believe it!) head withyour inevitably very strong hands. Simple: blowjobs for printed letters!Sounds perfect, I know, but there's a chink in the armour: this'd reallyonly work on the sort of obese, smelly otaku who actually wear those freeXXXL game t-shirts, and really only the inarticulate ones who can't gettheir letters printed by conventional means. Still, file it under lastresort. 2) This one involves a bit more initial effort, and a hop, skip, and jumpout of the realm of logic, but the payoff is that much richer, bay-bee.First, using your considerable espionage skills, obtain all the raw sourcecode and art for Final Fantasy VII. Next, using some sort ofdigitisation/motion capture device, create yourself in polygonal form. Givehim spiky hair (all the polygonal anime dames dig it) and an implausiblylarge weapon (phallic, y'know), just for good measure. Here's the difficultbit, so listen close: digitise your soul, memories, and personality, andstick 'em in PolyAllen. Make him a bit less of an asshole, though. SoulDigitisers are remarkably cheap on the black market, and with the hugepaycheck this column must get you, it should be no problem. Next, splicePolyAllen into the FFVII data. Finally, make it with Tifa. Awwwww yeah.>[? 3) Move to France. Have you been keeping up with Gallic culture? Uglinessand asshole-hood are considered very sexy over there, seemingly. Ever seenLast Tango in Paris? Even Marlon Brando gets to do the nasty with Frenchgirls, and no matter what you may say, you can't be half as repulsive asBrando. I really don't get the French...the women are all nubile, doe-eyedsex goddesses, and the men are Galouises-sucking cabbages with thepersonality of a baboon on heroin. The French. Ha. 4) Go to College. Everyone gets action in college. Brainwashed by peerpressure and media misconceptions, terrified of letting their youth slipaway, and their brains swimming with hormones and like as not everyintoxicant imaginable, everyone throws themselves at everyone else. And itinvolves none of this "effort" or "committment" I hear discussed in certaincircles (but can't claim to understand). Even my roommate is getting some.No one is uglier or a bigger asshole than my roommate. Plus I hear there'sthis "education" thing they throw in with the deal. Well, hopefully you'll be putting this advice into full, orgasmic effect assoon as you read it, and you'll come back a new Double Agent: upbeat,relaxed, and able to sit through long sessions of Brain Lord withoutsuffering a severe aneurysm. -Watch out Dr. Ruth, 'cos PKO is here! |
Anyone who didn't even chuckle at the above letter is a blithering idiot. That's all I'll say. Closing Comments Show of hands, kiddies: who thinks I'm going to get shit for the religion letter comments? Yeah, I thought as much. Ah well. Call me crazy, but I've never bought into the whole anti-Christian Square conspiracy bit. I think people give them too much credit for being socially conscious. It probably worked out closer to "hey, that name sounds cool!" Aside from that, life is okay. Lunar should be in my hands tomorrow, at long last. I've got a light week of work. Maybe I'll set to work on my epic Vault of King Arthur and his Knights of Justice, which I started replaying tonight, and which is every bit as shitty as I remember. God, it's fecal. The world's longest fetch quest. Oh, and I posted up the second Week in Review story earlier today. More cracks about Glick's sexuality abound. Good, clean, Christian fun. - Allan Milligan
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