Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. They say sex sells, but nobody wants any of mine. Don't say we didn't warn you.

I actually watched the Academy Awards for a bit, but just so you don't think I'm softening up and losing my cynical edge in my old age, a sarcastic aside is in order.

The Academy Awards: continually reinforcing the notion that the quality of an item is directly proportional to its popularity.

And for all of you who roll your eyes at my latest flagrant display of self-effacing "humor", why don't you eat me? Somebody has to keep me in check, and the best you people can muster are poorly-punctuated pablums (let's go alliteracy) accusing me of homosexuality. I'm stuck being my own worst critic.

Hey, I made fun of my own tendencies, too, so it's not like I'm being unfair here.

Illness is grand

Drew, While being sick and out of school for a week isn’t really a vacation, it still seems to apply. And I wasn’t exactly sick either, it was just my excuse to have time alone with my then rented copy of FFVIII. This instance is also one of my most unforgettable memories of gaming. I beat FF VIII in just three days, staying up till four of five in the morning each night, and then waking up sometime around noon to resume. Little did I know at the time, that ff 8 was not a game which you want to speed through so that you had some hope of seeing the ending without having to pay for a tremendous late fee. I clicked through all the junctioning explanations as quickly as I could, and never really bothered with the tutorial. The result? By the time I reached the sorceress Adel, I still did not know anything of how to junction non-command abilities like HP 20% and so forth, nor did I understand really where these abilities came from or how I learned them, except that it had something to do with the GF’s. Actually, Adel beat me three times before I even started messing around with the menus in a fit of frustration, and first noticed these abilities. You see, I had leveled up for hours so I could beat her-back then it was my solution to any boss I couldn’t beat, level my characters up so much that the boss wouldn’t stand a chance- when I still lost time and again I wondered why I could not win at level eighty. I still did not know how to junction magic to my stats until the second time I played it through. The sad result was that I ended up using a game shark to beat it my first time through, and then I did not even sit through the credits long enough to see the final fmv. I had learned my lesson, and once I owned the game, I took the time it deserved, and beat it for true. Osirus.

Ah yes, the impromptu "vacation" called on behalf of gaming. Fortunately my parents always bought the "sore throat" routine, so I didn't have to deal with the usual subterfuge, like sticking a thermometer up to a lamp, or smoking 12 packs of cigarettes so I started coughing up blood. Okay, so people don't usually do the latter, but I'm just tossing out suggestions here. I know a good portion of you DA readers are still in high school, and we have to look out for our sibs.

Just a final note: I'm impressed that you made it to Adel without understanding the junction system. It reminds me of the awe I felt when I saw a friend I'd lent FFVII to had managed to make it all the way to Hojo without bothering to equip new weapons or materia from the outset of the game.

That is indeed remarkable, although I know exactly where you're coming from. Every time I yank someone from his car and use it to run down pedestrians, the only thing I can think of is Grand Theft Auto III. I even fumble around with the radio to find the local opera station, to boot. Weird, huh?

At any rate, your story reminds me of a time in my life when I actually enjoyed snowy days, as it was such a joy to plunk down on the couch in my warm bedroom in front of the television set with a new game. Of course, now I have to walk and drive around to get to classes and work no matter how cold it is, so I'm not such a fan of the white stuff anymore.

The real Kozi

Dear Drew, You're just an imposter Cozy. This is the real Kozi. You so cra-zy. ~Travy

Haven't you ever heard of "stage names"?

Wow, I'd forgotten all about the misinformation we young geeklings would feed each other. That really was half the fun. I remember having several kids convinced that Nintendo actually owned Sega behind the scenes. The notion of a bunch of smarmy assholes like Sega giving Nintendo a hard time really burned me up, and that was my little way of exacting revenge. As you can see, I've been petty and ineffectual my entire life!

Let's hear it for parental ignorance! I feel bad for all of these people whose parents actually game with them. The idea seems peachy-keen on a passing glance, but when you get down with it, you have to share your system and they actually know how to turn it off when they're mad at you. I'm still thanking the gaming gods that my mother always believed turning the television off ended my game.

The Chronos have definitely soaked up far more of my time then I can reasonably justify. I feigned illness 2 days in a row to play the first, which I'd made the mistake of renting, and still ended up requesting it as a gift when I was unable to finish in time. Chrono Cross fortuitously came out the week in which I'd had to quit my old job, but the school quarter still hadn't started. All of my friends still worked during the day, leaving me with nothing but blissful game time, guilt-free. It's enough to make a grown man hump his TV.

I'd condemn you for taking the rape of nature so lightly, but I would've been equally as excited, so who am I to talk? Good old mother nature, always taking one for the team.

I Just wanted to get a Christmas letter in here, since that was the most popular form of response. I'll ignore your heathen remarks about Majora's Mask, since you give due respect to the beauty of Ocarina of Time.

Your dad does seem like a slick fellow, I must say. My parents weren't nearly as understanding of the situation when I inadvertently let loose with a litany of curses within their earshot after losing the helicopter stage in Micro Machines for about the 10,000th time.

Unless you've find a way to play video games while eating, sleeping, and going to the bathroom, no. And if you have, shame on you for holding out on all of us.

Closing Comments:

Okay, well, I got tons and tons of great letters today, and I did my best to post the quality goods. Okay, so I lie. I could've posted more, but even I'm getting bored of myself. This column is over. Although not without a topic for tomorrow! Nich will be filling in for Erin tomorrow, and he's got a hankering to talk Mojib Ribbon. so why don't you humor the guy and let him know what you think of the game thus far. I even provided two links, you lazy assholes. What more do you want?

-Drew Cosner, selling company secrets for cash