Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Oh, Speed! Don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm powerless to think up one of those cunningly subtle, metaphoric segues into the column's main idea from a real-life event or some off-topic and largely pointless letter tonight, so instead I'm going to tell you something that my gut tells me you don't give a damn about but which I think may unexpectedly prove reasurring and interesting to some of you, nonetheless.

On days -- like today, as I shall hereafter manifest -- when I say "Gee but there's an unfathomable drift of quality letters to print" but then paradoxically proceed to post a handful of off-topic and/or generally irrelevent material, rest assured, I haven't taken any time away from actual, purposeful letters -- I've just tacked them on, after the fact, as a bonus. Because I care. About you.

Right, so anyway.... Gee but there's an unfathomable drift of quality letters to print today!

Let's go.

Consumer Alert

Erin, It really breaks my heart to do this, but the truth should be told. In response to himajinga's letter: Famicom and Super Famicom games were NEVER shrinkwrapped by the factory. You've got yourself a big pile of used games, my friend, used games that the store in question (probably one of the upscale Akihabara stores like Medialand or Traders, no doubt) shrinkwrapped themselves. Now, that shrinkwrap sure is keeping those carts in nice condition... but they're not worth any more than the ones you already got gouged on in LA. Chris Kohler

I was actually unaware of this -- in fact, seeing as how I'm not in the habit of buying FC/SFC games it never even ocurred to me to pose the question. So, despite its enabling us to pinpoint the exact instant in which himajinga's heart rips in half, thanks for the tip. I was heretofore in danger of surviving a day without learning the proverbially-promised something new.

There's some FFIX spoilers in here ... mostly he's just dissing Magus

Erin, I haven't been playing games as long as most of the reader base of the GIA, largely due to the fact that my parents had a ban on video games for most of my childhood. The ban was lifted, and I got a PSX, around the time that FF8 was released. Now, don't worry, I'm not going to say anything about FF8, positive or negative. However, over the course of my gaming experiences (I did get around to playing a great deal of older games), there have been a few instances where I disliked aspects of games that were generally liked. For example, I thought Aeris' death scene was totally void of emotion, and I wasn't stirred in any manner in any direction when I saw it. Other examples would be practically everything that happened in FF9 after you got to Zidane's home town (especially Necron, what was up with that?), and the entire game of Wild Arms (Gah, hated it). Also, though I expect a thorough lynching for this, I didn't think the character of Magus was anything special in Chrono Trigger. I liked Frog much better. Now, as for things that I liked that were hated by others, again I look more to aspects of games than games as a whole. The most major point of contention is the voice acting in Star Ocean: The Second Story. Precis, Claude, and Noel got quite irritating at times, but I liked pretty much everyone else. Finally, just so you all can be left with something amusing to think about, I have a friend who swears up and down that Beyond the Beyond was a great game. I've never played it, but from what I can tell he's the only one in the world that has that opinion. I suppose that's all for today. -The Autistic Savant

Tell your friend he no longer has to suffer the lonely indignities of being the world's only BtB fan -- I found him a buddy.

Alarming numbers

Erin, I'm ashamed. So horribly ashamed. I have quite the list of universally hated games that I just adore. Not to say I have bad taste, I love all the Final Fantasies, as well as the Dragon Warriors I have played...I have a wide variety of favorites, but those also extend to the "bad games". I was really fond of Granstream Saga for one. Please, don't ask me why. I have no idea. I also enjoyed Beyond the Beyond. I knew it wasn't that great while playing it....but I couldn't stop. I still enjoy it! Ah...but what of yourself? I, for one, am curious to hear what horrible games you couldn't help but like. Garion - who would sell his soul for one of those two Nall plushies mentioned yesterday. P.S. - I live in Wisconsin. I start college at a UW school in fall. I hate our Governor

Frequently ripping on BtB is an integral part of my badass uber-cynic's persona, but I will offer this up for your consideration: I finished BtB. I've never finished Kartia, Guardian's Crusade, or Star Ocean 2, but I finished Beyond the Beyond. I had no particular attachment to it then, and I certainly haven't developed one in nostalgic hindsight, but I did finish it. Make of that what you will.

Saving the World for Dummies

Erin; One of the first console RPG's I got was Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest for the SNES. I loved that game - its puzzles got me hooked on Lufia II-style games; it had some cute graphics and sounds; and it had a (fairly generic but) nice story too (no psychotic schizophrenic whiners such as present-day game designers seem to love). I wasn't too difficult, and as a whole, I found that it really was a great "introductory-level" RPG. (It never aspired to be anything more anyway.) I went on to finish every RPG I could get my hands on, for both of my Nintendo consoles (even Dragon Warrior! It was painful, but I did it!), but I always had a soft spot for FFMQ. Then, some years later, I got a computer and Internet access. I quickly discovered such sites as AV's old square.net, and to my utter astonishment, found out that everyone else hated it! They accused it for not living up to the standards of the mainstream Final Fantasy games, of not keeping up such ancient hallowed traditions (ha!) as random battling and chocobos, and of being too easy. I discovered that even Square distanced itself from the game, calling it "Final Fantasy USA" in Japan (when in fact it was a Japanese game). Nobody seemed to understand that it was just a spinoff, not intended to be an actual Final Fantasy game. A tentative post on this subject netted me nothing but a bagful of flames for daring to defend this innocent little game. I've been nothing but a withered, whimpering shell since. -raph

Connecting today's thread of conversation with yesterday, the collector completist in me often whispers that it's time I buy and force myself to finish FF:MQ. After logging around ten hours on a rental in '93, I deemed the game unworthy of my attentions, spoiled as they were by FFIIUS, and never revisited it. Which I suppose rather strips me of the liberty to describe myself as a Square whore.

Forbidden (or forgotten) fruit

Ms. Mehlos, ma'am- Ah, what a great topic: those of us who have a pet peeve about game X getting unjustly neglected will be compelled to write long, intricate treatises, and the rest of the world gets to point and laugh at us for being such pathetic losers that we like game X. You get your readers coming and going; well done, I say! Of course, I don't hold myself above this - nope, it's time for me to step up and take one on the chin for my secret love, Saga Frontier 2. To be fair, I don't think Saga Frontier 2's disliked so much as it was just overlooked: it came out a few months after Final Fantasy 8, and was immediately followed by Square's 2000 blitzkrieg, everything from Front Mission 3 in March to Chrono Cross in August. Add in a few other notable titles published by other companies, plus few people wanting to take a chance on the apparent sequel to the profoundly disappointing Saga Frontier, and no wonder nobody tried it. Those that did probably found the following things annoying: a bizarre combat system that used up weapons and didn't give you the money or the opportunity to buy new ones, two vaguely related stories that felt like more hole than plot, and, on the off chance that you actually played the game all the way through, two final battles that were like running into a brick wall. And keep in mind that I like this game, and I'm still pointing all this stuff out. But for all that's wrong with SF2, there's an awful lot to like as well. SF2 was one of 2 Square games that year that experimented with 2D sprites and a "handdrawn" look - the other game, Legend of Mana, is probably far better known, but for my money, SF2's the one that did it right. Where LoM felt cutesy-cartoony and overly baroque, SF2 managed to be subtle and sublime. Not every scene in the game produces the eye-watering effect of, say, the water jewel caves or the mist valley, but little visual details scattered everywhere add up to a surprisingly coherent world, one that feels real, despite the fact that it's largely animated. At times, SF2's characters look an awful lot like those in Final Fantasy Tactics, and when all's said and done, that's what the game felt like to me - a chance to more thoroughly explore what FFT only let us see in the battlefield. Also worthy of note is the game's musical score. It probably helped that the game came out during the beginning of spring in Texas, so the light and airy piano tracks matched well with the gradual greening of the land around me. Still, even in the depths of an Illinois winter the following year, Masashi Hamauzu's score was worth listening to, running from clever little jazz pieces to fast-paced almost-electronica. For my money, Hamauzu's contributions to FFX go a long way towards making that soundtrack what it is, and SF2's one of the first chances I had to hear his unique style. Finally, I'd like to take a moment to salute the game's attempt at a truly epic saga, even if it didn't entirely succeed. Consider that most games take place over, effectively, a few days or weeks - characters come together, come apart, fall in love and fight massive battles for the future of the universe all in less time than it takes most people to complete a single semester of school. SF2 looks at changes to a world on the scale of generations, following two men from their beginnings as young upstart punks to their respective deaths as old heroes. Part of what's so frustrating about the game is that we're tantalized with hints of their personal life, only to later lose track of those details against the greater backdrop of their lives. But I think the narrative attempt was worth making, and I'd like to see it again. After all, the ultimate strength of stories like Star Wars or Lord of the Rings comes not from single, quick incidents, but from the feeling that these are old, old conflicts that are finally coming to a head after decades or centuries. Hell, writing all this stuff down about the game makes me wonder why I've spent all this time writing about it, when I could have dusted off my copy and been playing it. That's all from me, time for the next poor sap to make his case. -Chris Jones, wonders if Matsuno ever considered working with Hamauzu

SF2 was probably the most popular ticket today, but because Chris has offerred the most extensive run-down of its merits by far, and moreover, because I am a flaming nepotist, the dowager DA gets the pleasure.

I can't say I've known SF2 to be all that greatly maligned, though, anyway. It was badly buried by the deluge of titles Square put forth shortly thereafter, but as such, it didn't get enough attention to be widely decried.

The secret of your love is safe with me.

Parasitic tendencies

Greetings, I have a rather keen fondness for both of the Parasite Eve games. When the first one came out, there was much bitching. However, like the other Square games that came out in the early PSX era, like FFVII and Bushido Blade, the game found its niche. (To this day I'm confused as to why everyone remembers FFVII so fondly, when at the time it seemed like everyone was complaining about it.) Anyway, fastforward to PE2 and low and behold they change the format to survival horror. This really puts the game in a bit of a bind because now all of the fans of the first game are disappointed that it's different from the original and all of the survival horror people think it's too RPGish and not scary enough or hard enough, or whatever it is that they're annoyed about. I try not to take game reviews too personally, but when the GIA game PE2 a lowly "2," I must admit I was a bit crestfallen. "But... but... I like that game," I was thinking, "It's the slickest survival horror game I've played." To this day I still feel that it's my favorite such game on the PSOne. No, Parasite Eve 2 isn't really that scary, like Silent Hill is. There's no shuffling zombies like Resident Evil. What is has instead is -cool-, and plenty o' it. It's full of poorly understood scientific principles and high-tech gadgets. Instead of being some lame-o with a cap gun, you get to be a hot chick with superpowers and automatic weapons. Maybe I'm a sucker, but I love it. Now as SSJPabs directly cited me yesterday, I feel obligated to respond with one last, quick jab or two. I'll grant you that hostility toward a group that has done little or nothing to your group is less "resonable" than hostility toward a group that has specifically attacked your group. But that's not really the point. Hate only begets more hate. Look at the nations surrounding Isreal. Those people have been killing each other for several thousand years! Talk about holding a grudge. At this point who cares who started it? Only by putting away their deep-seeded for each other hatred will they ever find peace. Aside from that, don't think that characters like Bin Laden are created in a vacuum. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he and cronies hate our nation for a reason? We've been total dicks to the Middle East for many years. That doesn't justify his hatred either, or the actions of his terrorist organization, but I don't think we have any entitlement to such righteous indignation just because we got knifed in the back. The blood is on our hands too. Always like to end on a positive note. El Cactuar

Not much to say to this except.... "El Cactuar" called -- he wants his pseudonym back.

Who're we rooting for? El Cactuar, of course!

My Dear Erin, I'm not sure if you've ever received a letter from me before, but I am an avid reader of your column on TheGIA.com. As I was perusing today's (03/21/02) letter column, I saw a reference to a letter by one "El Cactuar." It's not exactly your problem, but I must let this be known... That is not me! For the past 2 months, I have been the sole owner of several accounts (Yahoo, Hotmail, etc.) that consisted of the name "El Cactuar" in one or more variations, such as the insertion of underscores. The person who wrote the 03/20/02 article is either an identity thief, is madly in love with me and therefore must emulate my life in a "Talented Mister Ripley"-esque charade, or is just a paradigm of happenstance. I would appreciate it if you would either pass this letter along to the author "El Cactuar" or print it in your column. Thank you very much. The Other El Cactuar, Aaron McC.

I'm not really in the habit of making myself useful.... but I found this subtly amusing. Share and enjoy!

We now return to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress....

After that bean paste cake my groin is RED, baby

Tail of the Sun. Something about running around finding fruit to make your caveman more fertile (... that's not what it was about?) really pushed my grocery cart. And despite everyone around questioning my sanity and taste I finished the game and recorded it for my friends and family to watch when they visit... Yeah. perth - people still look at me funny...

I, too, played TotS to its "conclusion," and eerily, found myself significantly absorbed in its laughable little reality to be mortally afraid of those headless ostriches you encounter in the eastern hills.

What mental defect allowed me to sink hours into watching helplessly as my avatar fell asleep and slid like a greased cookie sheet down a mountainside to his inevitable drowning while actual games languished, unplayed, on my shelf ... I couldn't tell you.

Camp on the banks of the great green Limpopo River!

Dear Erin Seems to me Secret of Evermore was pretty much near universally loathed. I however loved it. I liked not having to use a certain weapon a bajillion times to the point where I could do more damage with it from a power attack. I loved the alchemy system, and I loved being able to the trading for special items in that city from Antiquity. Yeah, it did have it flaws. A few bugs here and there, and it was somewhat short. Also there was the fact that it wasn't Seiken Densetsu 3, which was probably the most damning of all. Oh well. Andrew Toth

Tonight's column has forced me to cast an especially critical eye over my gaming career's high points of questionable sanity; a process of self-discovery that continues with the realization that Evermore, gods preserve my blasphemous ass, was not ... that bad.

It may have been a short and thematically lacking rip-off of the SoM engine plagued with dialogue so horrifically awkward one can only stand awed by the fact that it was penned in English, an occasionally infuriating "magic" system and a dog/toaster filling the most vital supporting role, but I can't say I didn't enjoy its ambient music, difficult mazes, many-roomed castles, employment of man's best friend as a means of obtaining alchemy materials, and above all, the frequent juggling of mummified cats.

There is little doubt in my mind that I'll be flamed into the Phantom Zone for voicing my hypothesis as to why its mediocrity's been hyperbolized into the symbolic hydra o' shit it is today.... But I've never been able to shake the sneaking suspicion that Evermore wouldn't be so universally spurned had it not been an exclusively American effort.

The Science of Mario Kart

My counterculture game was Faceball 2000 for the SNES, especially the hunt-and-seek versus battle mode. I loved wandering around in a giant maze hunting for an elusive enemy who was hunting for me. I loved giant floating smiley faces trying to kill each other. To me, the game was the essential deathmatch experience. Of course, the game was so shitty I could never get my friends to play. "You'd kick our ass anyway, since you play it all the time," they'd say. "Let's play Mario Kart or Bomberman or something." And they would proceed to kick my ass with the Princess and Yoshi, disdaining my hopeful Toad as a pretender to the throne. My only claim to Mario Kart fame in our group was the discovery that a Red Shell would loop continuously around a stationary target - say, Bowser - when fired from the appropriate angle and starting momentum. I once had eight going at once when some freak of adjusted trajectory misaligned one of the orbits and knocked Bowser out of his central position. Instantly, the remaining shells locked onto his position and swarmed like predators sensing movement, blasting his remaining bubbles out of existence. Poor Bowser was killed instantly, a victim of my twisted Mario Kart physics experiments. Okay, I think I'm off topic now. -Namingway

Yeah, you are, but amusingly so.

Auron eats Clemmet for breakfast

Erin, The game I love more than my own, nonexistent child would have to be Shadow Madness. Why? I don't know; perhaps it's because of the pure badass-i-tude that is Clemmet. I will say this, though: I played the game through midnight, New Year's Eve, Y2K. On a separate note, I've been browsing through old GIA stuff, and I noticed that the old 'Most Useless Character' contest from a way-back-when is a bit outdated. So I propose a topic for Cozy: Most Useless Characters as of recent. My pick goes to Yojimbo, the FFX secret Aeon--he may have looked cool, but he doesn't do JACK without being paid, he can't exceed max damage, and most of the time merely has his dog attack. That's weak. -Lee, "If I go down, I'm going down boots on, gun blazing, and a smile on my face."

Sounds good to me -- scathing public criticism of the more recent wastes of carbon in gamedom is long overdue.

Closing Comments:

You heard Lee ... in honor of the Oscars (which I think are happening sometime soon, aren't they?), send Drew your nominations in the Most Useless category.

- Erin Mehlos