Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Buy two anti-aircraft missiles and get the third free! Don't say we didn't warn you.

Not nearly as many letters as usual today -- it must be the weather, because it certainly isn't me.

Nevertheless, I've printed nearly all I received. This topic doesn't leave me with a whole lot to say, and seeing as how I don't have enough fun size Snickers to go around, I had to overcompensate somehow, because I sure as all hell wasn't about to buy everyone their own personal Goddamn dozen roses.

So anyway ... let's go.

You got your accuracy in my wet dream

If you wanted to make the perfect game to appeal to Japanese gamers, that'd be easy: a horse-fighting rhythm game. Train your horse on the track before pitting him against other jockeys in a timed button-mashing contest of skill. The winner gets to pick his choice of cute anime girl to date. Then again, if you're over in America, all you need is a chick with big guns and bigger boobs. I don't know about the rest of you, but I could certainly use a Big-Breasted Inconceivably Gorgeous All-Female Navy SEAL simulation game, with realistic ballistics, impeccable enemy AI, motion-capture boob dynamics and a completely accurate lesbian orgy minigame that follows each terrorist-blasting mission. -Eightball "Hi, my name is Nikki, and this is AK-47." *BLAMBLAMBLAM!* --Jackie Brown

Somehow I think a "completely accurate lesbian orgy minigame" might negate the whole sexpot male-fantasy bent of the concept....

How the West was left by the wayside

How about a music game that people would actually *want* to play?? Oh well... How about a game sorta like Maximus (the X-Box gladiator title, not to be confused with Capcom's G&G revival, as good as that was ^_^) Or maybe an action game set in the old west, Gunsmoke style? Other than that, I think its all been done... Oh yeah before I forget: Nevertheless, the name Irem has previously stood for quality... I have two words for you, "Street Combat" :( DT

Wild Arms not kicking up enough dust to satisfactorily blanket your coffee table? There have actually been a few attempts at the Spaghetti Western style, most of which have been mediocre at best and released only to PC; Outlaws immediately leaps to mind.

Warping around the galaxy trying to solve the mystery of why he's just weird

Dear Erin, Along Drews topic of game ideas that are never used, Ive always thought of one in particular. A starship roleplaying game! Instead of leveling up characters through fighting monsters that just happen to get stronger as you progress, why not start out with a little ol starship that as you battle your way through the universe gets badder with all the equipment or weapon systems you snag from your defeated enemies. Need a better deflector shield array? Raid that woosy Federation science vessle in the Quayar system. Faster engines? Make a run on an Imperial Star Destroyer while shes repairing damage from a recent rebel attack. Basically, instead of tromping around the mud looking for a sacred sword, why not a game where you get to warp around the galaxy trying to solve some mystery scattered across several worlds. If a quarter of the video game players out there are a tenth as geeky as I am, they dig sci-fi and would like something like this, or maybe Im just wierd. That Sailor in Spain

This actually sounds a lot like Elite and its sequel Frontier -- an pair of space combat/trading sims from the dark ages of PC gaming. A surprising amount of detail went into the upgradeability of your ship, which dictated more or less what you could and couldn't do within the game. Want to be able to withstand a pirate attack or hide out near a sun? You'll need more than one shield generator. Want to transport illegal slaves? Your cargo hold will need to be outfitted to accommodate living organisms, or you'll pull into port and find your ship inventory contains nothing but "fertilizer" and lots of it. Want to stop worrying about running out of fuel a thousand light years from the nearest orbital base? I suggest you plunk down the cash for a ram scoop to skim hydrogen from remote stars.

If you're interested, I wouldn't worry about picking up a 286 curbside. Elite 4 is expected to hit a number of platforms, including Xbox and PS2, later this year, and if even a shred of the series' trademark style of gameplay has been preserved, GTA3 is as good as dethroned in the freedom department.

Fresh out of the infinite

I would come up with something, but I am really out of ideas. Every genre I could come up with on my own is full: the rapping dog rythm games, the sinking ship games, the earthquake on a floating city, the flower head in a pot, the evil shadow that has been possesed by some kinda thing demon, the falling blocks that disappear when they align, photographic ghosts, booby trap making, dog walking, bus driving, hotel managing, city planning, insect eradicating, monster training, dance-dancing, SEGA simulator, bridge building, fire extinguishing, ultimate fighting, zombie shooting, alien infested, deer hunting, trucking, climbing, eating and hamburger making. Anything that isnt in there is either in Incredible Crisis or a mini game in Mario Party, so there isnt really any reason to try and come up with anything else really. I am sure no one has done "picture hanging" but who really wants to play that anyways? -Bryan, who is sure there are even more obscure games that he just doesnt want to beleive EXSIST.

I'm guessing you were unaware of Custer's Revenge and Boong-Ga Boong-Ga, so I'll just leave you alone in your idyllic little vacuum....

My swash's already been buckled, thanks

Erin, Heck, among RPGs, only two backgrounds have been used much -- semi- medieval and (to a lesser extent) space. Game designers should take more ideas from old adventure books. Westerns, gumshoe detectives, eldritch horrors, swashbuckling muketeers, pirate adventures, comics-style heroes, police/crime fiction, spy thrillers, exploring the dark continent... any of those would be great. My favorite? Swashbuckling -- We need more swashbuckling. That's what made Skies of Arcadia so much fun, and I need some more of it in my diet. Snu

I'm all in favor of the above. In fact, I say we combine them, giving rise to the industry's first true grog-swilling, sabre-toting sharpshooter with a crime fighting film noir alter ego out to discover brave new frontiers while playing the Church against the state. There's the blurb for the box written, and half the battle duly out of the way.

My imminent obsolescence

Agent- I'm still waiting for my "writing inane letters to videogame columnists"-sim to come out. Abundantly obsequious, Jason Love

I can't imagine the AI necessary to simulate a letters columnist like myself or Drew is beyond the current realm of possibility. Since both of us tend to just ignore whatever people say and embark on our own tangential and generally insulting musings, you wouldn't even need any kind of text parser -- just some pedestrian mad libs-generator-type thing calling upon a few tables of pretentious adjectives and obscure nouns and generously mingling them with sprinklings of letter excerpts for essential DA phrases like, say ... "Ad hoc, off-the-ass, a priori autoerotic raster imaging with rhombohedral modeling fragmenting all over the frigging place."

Don't look, dammit!

I know this has been discussed before but I think it should be worth mentioning again. I would like to see a console turn based strategy RPG like Front Mission 3 or Final Fantasy Tactics come out with a multiplayer option where you could take two groups and battle it out. You would be able to make up groups from what they give you for an even fight or use your own party from the one player game. Kind of like how Hero's of Might and Magic for the PC does, only it would be isolated fights and instead of whole campaigns which HoMM is all about. Of course with all the systems (cept maybe the GC) going online you would be able to battle people online as well. Pendy the DQ/DW guy http:/dqnn.alefgard.com

There have been a few SRPGs, like Kartia, to offer something in the line of a multiplayer experience; still, it's hardly a genre staple, mostly because, up till this point, online gaming has not been a focus in the console realm, and online is really the only way an SRPG multiplayer mode is going to be well enough balanced to play for any length of time. I don't know about you, but I don't really like inputting my strategy for the turn with my opponent watching so he/she can formulate counter-measures specific to my plan of attack.

Among the little people

How about an RPG called "Role Playing Game: The Little People"? You play yourself - you name your stats and abilities and all that and as soon as you start, you're immediately placed in Act I. Act I would have you as a Guard patrolling the outskirts of a town. You're just a weak guard. You go and beat stuff up - little monsters and gain a few levels. Then one of the Bad Guy's Big Bad Henchmen show up and kills you easily. You then suddenly find yourself as the Henchman who killed the guard with all of your levels intact, so you don't lose progress. You attack the town, but the Hero kills you as you are the Hero's obligatory weak-ass first boss. Then after the scene is over, you're a villager who has to wait in one place and wait until the Hero shows up to ask you the location of the Far Off Cave. When the Hero is at the Far Off Cave, your village is attacked. You must run away from the monsters because they're much more powerful than you in your Villager form and you need to get away. You go the entire game like this, on the side, watching events unfold but at the same time levelling up as needed. Only at the end of the game do you finally get to be the hero (or villian) and finish the game.

You left out the bit where you stock up on cheap equipment at the flea market with the intention of selling it at a profit to the heroes, who instead just walk in the unlocked back door, take everything from behind the counter and split without spending a dime, ultimately resulting in default on all your loans and the Evil Empire's local branch foreclosing on your shop.

And now, a taste of simulation and power

Dear Drew, I haven't been reading the agent as much as I should be, but I like the topic that you have. What I think is needed that we have not had is a presidential simulator. The game is called G-Office, and it is a simulator of what it is like to be the president of the U.S. In the game you can do everything that a president would be able to do, including go to war with other nations. The game could also take you back through time and allow you to change history. For example, you can go back to the depression era and attempt to pull your country out of the depression, or go back to the civil war and make something happen so that the outcome of the war is different. Basically, the best part of the game would be just screwing with your nation. You could bring the draft back in and send everyone to invade a small nation. Wouldn't that be fun? I think that this game could be enjoyed by most people who have a taste for simulation and power. ~Caddyman, Who hasn't seen the light of day since I got locked into my room.

President of the US...?

I've no doubt it'd sell ... but you know how reluctant they are to license AO-rated games.

Suburban atonement

Picture this, the game begins and you are a kid who has just been an accident and wrecked your next door neighbors car and if you don't pay for the damages they will tell your parents, so you must participate in various mini games that give you the cash you need, but instead of your average boring activities you could have them be more interesting perhaps occasionally plot driven quest's, for example, a mother asked you to find her son and if you can find the lost boy within the town you will receive a reward. Maybe the kid could participate in races around the town, or in scavenger hunts where if he can find all of the items on a list for someone he would receive a reward. The game would be in "real" time (like in harvest moon) and your character would still need to keep up with his family activities and sleep (eat?ect.) while paying for the damage's, perhaps the game would take place over one or two months, but would be non linear offering several ways to save your character, and good replayability. -Kramer "Who wishes that when you came up with and idea for a game that there was a machine to make it exist"

I think a game where you'd have to reach a financial goal by baby-sitting for assorted obnoxious brats with unique penchants for running away, torturing pets and sneaking various ultra-dangerous bits and bobs out of their dad's gun cabinet and into their sister's sandbox would make for a pretty interesting experience, provided there was always a fresh new disaster to avert.

Another great idea from the people that brought you beer milkshakes

Erin, For a while now I've been dreaming up this game, I think it would be quite fun... A lawn care sim! Your yard would go through the seasons, and you'd have to care for it as such. planting seeds and doing fertilizer in the spring, mowing in the summer, raking leaves, and then protecting your precious plants from sub-zero temperatures! You could even upgrade you equipment and the harder the skill level you play the bigger your lawn is, with more obsticles like trees and lawn knomes and such... -Espezito, "Noooooo... You hit David!

In all seriousness, I honestly think I'd buy this game.... I was, after all, one of those freaks who enjoyed watering down the soda to save cash in Theme Park.

Violence and wanton thuggery: two great tastes that taste great together

Erin, One game that I'd love to see would be a game based on Australian Rules Football. Although most people outside Australia have never seen or heard anything of the sport, it's got everything a good sports game would need... it's fast, skillful and contains a fair amount of violence and wanton thuggery. EA tried it a couple of times (AFL 98 an AFL 99) but unfortunately they were crap, so people stopped buying them after the first one and EA never tried it again. Apparently Acclaim have now bought the licence to do an official AFL game, but I'm not really holding out much hope that they'll do a decent one. I guess when the market is limited to one as small as Australia, there's not much chance of any companies putting in the money required to make a decent game. Which is strange, since EA release their NHL games over here even though ice hockey is almost non-existent as a sport down here. They still sell it though, because it's a good game. So surely if somebody made a good Aussie Rules game, it could sell overseas on its merits as a game, even if people aren't familiar with the sport? Randall Flagg, who has just managed to complete his first ever letter to DA that doesn't contain any whining at all about PAL conversions.

I don't rightly see why not, except maybe that North Americans are a bunch of mewling ninnies overly accustomed to having their own tastes and sensibilities catered to where sports are concerned.

Ordinary

Hey, our wonderful Agent, First off - Zettai Zetsumei no Toshi looks like it will be an adventure game whose main goals are getting somewhere and careful use of items, and that it will have a good amount of dialogue, and little to no fighting. This is a good thing. We really don't get enough video games with a person in a real situation (or at least a familiar fantasy situation) where they are pitted against a journey or their environment instead of some antagonistical people, animals or machines. The days of Lucasarts' SCUMM games and all those old Sierra fantasy adventures are long gone, but the philosophy of a game whose main mechanics are exploration and finding objects apparantly lives on. That said, I'd like to see more games with plots like this - ordinary people, with ordinary lives, suddenly faced with something strange, complicated or interesting that then becomes the main theme of the game. Imagine Metal Gear Solid 2's level of detail and freedom of exploration, only instead of the Shell, it's a mall or office building, and instead of a pretty young soldier fighting terrorists, you're an undercover police officer who pursued a criminal into the building. The sneaking around and equipment use would remain intact, you'd just swap shooting and such for talking and examining for traces of the suspect. Though it would have less frequent exciting action scenes, couldn't that be just as interesting, gameplay-wise? Police and criminals would make for the most interesting realistic situations, because they regularly deal with the sort of stuff that makes for action-movie-style excitement, but a protagonist who's just going about their business as an office worker or student or just some random pedestrian when such events intrude on their life could be interesting as well. I'd also like to see some really simple concepts put as the main goal of a game. How about a game based around getting somewhere, something in the vein of the film Run Lola Run. It wouldn't need to be a girl trying to get to her diamond smuggler boyfriend before his bosses ice him, though - put in any reason for someone to need to get across a city in a day on foot, and make the environments interesting, and the possibilities are endless. Or a chase game - play as a person on the run from the police (or criminals) on foot, or better yet, on rollerblades. You can fight them off, but it'll slow you down, and when they start catching up, the odds are against you. You don't know where you're going, but if you head up that fire escape and onto the warehouse roof maybe you can make it to the subway and out to the other end of the industrial park, and lose them in the dark sprawl of factories... Maybe some of these concepts are TOO simple for a game, they'd be one-dimensional gameplay, and too short. So string a few together. You've got to get across town by noon to meet whoever, but whether or not you make it, you end up on the run, and after traversing the city again in a different way, you try and blend into the crowds in the mall, where you've got to spot your pursuers before they recognize you... In short, I wanna see realistic situations and environments - and chases. Games about fighting and such are starting to bore me. We rarely see a game where the challenge is to avoid violence, to try and escape a fight. The only trick is putting them in an interesting environment. Looking at the environments of most action games, how cool could they be if getting around them was the point of the game? -Paul Segal

Sir, I'd love to present you with today's T-shirt ... but I'm afraid we've only got small, and I seriously doubt your bosoms need that kind of accentuation.

Closing Comments:

In keeping with the ebb and flow of the discussion lapping so gently at my ankles, let's move on to this Zettai Zetsumei Toshi thing. I'm hoping against all odds it turns out another ICO, but cynicism and pervasive bitchiness tug me in other directions. Unfettered by such impulses, perhaps you can tell me your own, unique spin on this first look at what's shaping up to be another subtly offbeat title for the mainstream to ignore in favor of a FPS.

- Erin Mehlos