Get everyone involved - March 3rd, 2002 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed
within this column are those of the participants and the
moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the
GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive
material afoot.
They should call Captain Crunch "Captain Shred the Roof of Your Damn Mouth."
Don't say we didn't warn you.
I don't know about you guys, but this has been one sucky weekend for me. I know so much more about the history of Japanese theater than I ever intended or desired to. Just in case you were wondering why today's column bites, now you know.
Well, with that shining endorsement on the part of the moderator out of the way, let's get this show on the road!
| I'm a big fat stupid-head |
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Just for reference, Paramount had nothing to do with "Nightmare" or Jack Skelington. Its Touchstone Pictures. Which is under Buena Vista, which is the huge Disney Nazi Universe parent company thingy. Not sure WHO owns who, but they are all big and evil together. This is the "official home page" of the moive, and its related DVD's and such.
So go and make amends or something for thinking Paramount gave us this GOOD movie, because they just dont do that kinda thing.
-Bryan
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I figured it only right that I let someone correct me for my error. My knowledge of worthless minutiae apparently fails to extend to film, it would seem.
| This may or may not be a joke |
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I have two top choices for your topic, if I may:
1. Final Fantasy 0. It's the ultimate Final Fantasy backstory, linking together all Final Fantasy games. In it is told the story of the creator and master (or creators and masters?) of each of the Final Fantasy worlds, explaining his/her/their grand design in a story that can only be described as epic. It is explained to us exactly what role the Cids, Chocobos, Moogles, Airships, and Crystals have, as well as and every other recurring elements each serve in every Final Fantasy world. (Note: can anyone DISprove the existence of the Crystals, Elemental or otherwise, in FFVII and FFVIII?). It would answer questions including, but not limited to: Why do monsters carry money? Why do Cids have conflicting roles? Why is there always a hidden "real" villain at the end, except in the case of Kafka? What are the TRUE nature of the Chocobos, and are their kind truly sentient, thinking beings with very secretive plan they are planning to put into effe! ct using the human race?
The above may or may not be a joke. The following is:
2. I'd take every rock and pop star and make them into a game. I'd make each instrument into a class, with different abilities. Of course, you can only have a team of four, assembled at the outset of the game. Exclusive character stats include: Playing Skill, Ego (if it goes too high you alienate fans), Originality, Popularity, Looks, and Mojo/Charisma. Imagine the possibilities! Find your favorite rockers (old-school or new), assmble a dream team, and set out to demolish the Evil Music Monopoly Corporation who controls music and forces N*Sync, Christina Aguilera, and other vapid pop "artists" upon an unwitting world, left with no choice or variety. Battles are fought by entering a rhythm-game like musical face-off against bland, faceless pop groups whose deadly attacks include the Jerky Dance, the Whiny Love-Song, and the Crotchgrab of Doom. The final boss fight is The Army of Disenchanted Screaming Young Teenagers.
My recommended team, being the most balanced gameplay wise, consists of a Singer-Guitarist (the Red Mage of rockers), Electric Lead, Bassist, and Drummer.
---Anthony James Larrea
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Your first suggestion sounds like Hironobu Sakaguchi: the Game. That would be something. The entire story line would probably culminate in a final showdown between Sakaguchi and his cohorts and the evil Demandinggamermos. Only by the implementation of an online RPG could the world be saved! Or something; if I had good ideas I would be a designer, so lay off.
Anyway, I really like your idea for a rock/pop-themed RPG. I wonder how closely it would mirror real life. Would everybody want to be the lead guitarist, or would there actually be some bassists and drummers out there?
| Did you shave your chest? |
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Seinfeld. Oh, Seinfeld. How could a Seinfeld RPG go wrong? It has
everything. Plot and character development, a huge storyline, and Newman
keeps Magus and Sephiroth up at night. (No off color jokes, please.) Although
Progress Quest would probably beat it in the story department, a Seinfeld RPG
would be a close second. With mini games like Toss Up the Bread on a Fishing
Pole, OutRun the Old Guys on a Wheelchair, and Street Frogger, it is even a
match to the upcoming movie/console card game Xenosaga.
A close second would be Internet: MMORPG Adventure. You could play as
any of the internet celebrities such as ToastyFrog, Solid Sharkey, Alex Chiu,
and the Guy in the Moogle Suit. After the RPG, I can definitely see a Kart
game in the works. There wouldn't be too much plot (Toasty Frog would go and
kill all the Xenogears fans, etc.) but if we wanted plot, we'd play Progress
Quest.
Child of Id- if my sister got made fun of in Solid Sharkey's "stupid e-mail"
link, does that mean I'm a celebrity?
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I have to say, a Seinfeld RPG would kick, but I don't know how they'd make a 40-hour game out of a show that touted being "about nothing." I suppose it could be an Incredible Crisis-style conglomeration of mini-games that flip-flopped mid-play to capture the feel of the show. One second you're helping George save his precious Frogger machine, the next you're trying to help Jerry's date go smoothly by picking the correct responses to his prospective girlfriend's increasingly bizarre questions.
As for your meta-MMORPG idea, I have a feeling the game would last five minutes when everybody decided what they were stuck doing was "banal" and went to watch taped episdoes of Transformers.
| Snoop Dogg: the Game |
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Well you'd want someone who could bring action, comedy, memorable lines and sell some games: Snoop Dogg. Think of everything could use: You've basically got a built in group(Dre, Eminem, etc.), Suge Knight and Tha Row could be the "Cliche Evil Entitiy", herb from RE could replace potions, visit the grave of Tupac for a tearjerking scence, Freestyle to win your Legendary .44, a little hoops sidegame, travel to meet the "mystical" Wu-Tang Clan,. You could find out who really killed Biggie with the help of the old sage Rakim, as his young apprentice NaS joins your group, and the Hairstlyes most definitely would play an important part. Also a trip to kill Carson Daly and/or Fred Durst could be the greatest sidequest of all-time. This game needs to be done yesterday.
And most importantly Bootsy muthafrickin Collins to compose the music.
Brian
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Hey, if the Wu-Tang Clan can get a fighting game, why not. I'd be interested to see how they'd simulate the protagonist being high for the duration of the story line, though.
| Then people could quote the game, and drive everyone even more crazy |
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Drew -
My callaboratory RPG would be quite simple. Monty Python would be the main
characters, and the game would be based on Douglas Adams' Ultimate
Hitchhiker's Guide Collection.
Peace,
Ray Stryker...this..is an ex-parrot!
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That would certainly be a geek's dream come true. Just the other day, AK was saying that Progress Quest needed a sidequest where you're asked to "fetch a shrubbery," so I'd say it could certainly work.
| I'm surprised there's no 80s cafes by now |
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Drew:
I'd make an RPG involving characters from 80's TV shows. No one can refute
the coolness of this RPG: you'd have Mr. T and Murdoch on one side from the
"A-Team", and the Care Bear Cousins on another side, Webster will definitely
make an appearance, and maybe Cobra Commander will be the final boss.
Oh, yeah, and the soundtrack will be set to the likes of the Police and
Lionel Ritchie.
- Gunstarheroz, dancin' on the ceiling
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As long as we can get ALF in on this action, I'd be the first in line. I was more a child of the 90s, but I'm not without my fond memories of the 80s. Most of those memories involve Nintendo and Saturday morning cartoons, but they're still memories, dammit.
Closing Comments:
Okay, topic, here we go. Seeing this game "Zettai Zetsumei no Toshi", which takes place in a city undergoing various disasters, gives me an idea for a topic: what kind of underused or just plain not used premise would make for a good game in your opinion? A janitorial simulator? Leapfrog 3D? Come up with ideas slightly less stupid than those, then send 'em along to Erin.
-Drew Cosner
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