Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Quick! Say something stupid! ... I knew I could count on you. Don't say we didn't warn you.

I got some 40 letters on today's topic. You'll forgive me if I feel the need to skip to the gist.

Let's go already.

Primates pick nits ... and so do ravens.

EM, In yesterday's column you hyphenated no less than 13 sentences. While I appreciate the effort to heighten the DA's verbal experience - a commendable undertaking, to be sure - I must inform you that your college English class has now affected your personal life to such a degree as to merit intense scrutiny - as per your warning a few days ago. Perhaps you could - on a limited basis - screen your columns for such moments of dramatic pause and insert a more common - yet equally valid - semicolon, comma, or perhaps period - as to prevent those loyal fans who fall below a certain level of intelligence - not a majority, mind you - from possibly bringing this subject up again at a later - and therefore more inappropriate - date? While I love your column as much as the next guy - who wouldn't - I felt this issue - however small - needed to be addressed - soon. Thank - you. -Red Raven

I stand to make a sizeable amount of cash selling to those who've become slightly soggy around the midsection the Erin Mehlos Suprasimple Slim Plan EX: a weight loss program to rival the Nich Maragos Samba de Amigo diet or anything Tommy Lasorda ever conceived of endorsing.

The SSPEX is not a diet; rather, it is a workout plan for those of us who have, for whatever reason, fallen into the deathtrap that is an ass-growingly sedantary lifestyle (read: the vast majority of gamerdom, myself included).

As the name implies, my approach to fitness is simpler than opening a can of SlimFast and consists of just two easy steps:

1. Enroll at some type of commutor college

2. Be sure to arrive late daily, forcing you to park a minimum of 4 blocks away from whatever building you may need to be in and making it imperative that you cover the distance there at a dead run

All right, so perhaps I'm being a little self-indulgent in thinking for even a moment that you care to this inane snake-oil sarcasm, but when people pay this kind of attention to the shit I say it gets difficult to keep things in perspective.

Anyway ... We had a topic today, yeah?

Dare we ask what's behind Door #6...?

The most revolting game music ever? Simple - the Honeybee Manor theme from FFVII. It sounds like the noise which might be made by squeaky balloon animals having sex, should copulation ever become popular among the translucent blue wiener dog set. This is wholly fitting, since FFVII's characters look like balloon animals and the Honeybee Manor is where they go to have sex (granted, out in the open beneath a fully-crewed airship also works for them; they're not too choosy when it comes to doing the nasty). It's a grating, obnoxious theme that tries to be chirpy and fun but mostly just makes me want to stop playing the game for years at a time. I hated it even before I associated it with the unpleasant image of Cloud waking up pinned beneath Mukki's sweaty, speedo-clad body. Oh god. I hear Honeybee Manor is one of Uematsu's personal favorites, which is another reason I'm glad the FFX soundtrack was divvied up three ways. I think the poor guy was losing it, being forced to churn out 4 CDs of music each year. My second choice would be the entire Grandia soundtrack. Grandia is a simplistic, cliche-ridden romp through a lightweight RPG world, and I want to gag every time the game's soundtrack cranks itself to Maximum Pomposity. Sometimes overly-serious music lends weight to fluff, as in the case of the Star Wars films (where even CG monsters blowing farts into the face of Jar-Jar Binks are granted a tiny scrap of artistic gravity thanks to John William's excellent score), but with Grandia the solemnity and heroism of the music came off a bit like setting clips of Beavis marauding as Cornholio to the climax of Stravinsky's Firebird. Amusingly out-of-place, yes, but that's about it. Oh, and the dwarf village theme from Secret of Mana. IT BURNS. JP, off to listen to more restrained, tasteful music. Like ELP or Smashing Pumpkins or something.

I had forgotten about the Honeybee Manor theme; probably through some preconscious concern for my own well-being ... for the tune reliably calls to mind the sight of Cloud being gang-groped in that hottub just far enough off camera to make me use my imagination.

However, thanks to your heroic effort, it now evokes the comparatively palatable image of little balloon doggies engaged in sweet love. I love you forever.

Lord of the Dull

Actually, I can't stand Mitsuda's celtic-themed music. It seems to be virtually all he can do. Say what you will about Uematsu, but at least his music tends to be a little more varied. -Arpad

Perhaps its the Gaelic in my veins, or perhaps I just bought too heavily into the Celtic craze that followed in Michael Flatley's wake, but Mitsuda's pan flute fanfares have always (no pun intended; really) struck a chord with me. I'd go so far as to say that "Scars of Time" was one of the most moving pieces of game music (especially introductory game music) I've ever experienced.

Not that everyone isn't entitled to their opinion; it's just that the music performance major disagrees with your theories of Uematsu's versatility...

Guilt spiral in E major

Ms. (soon to be Mrs.) Erin Melhos, I'm pretty sure you'll ignore this letter like every other one I've ever sent in, (all 4 of them), but still, I feel like I should write on this topic. Being a Music Performance major as well as Composition student at Lee University (Shameless plug, remove if you like and actually print this,) I think I'm fairly authorized to comment on this subject from a professional viewpoint. A. Eyes on me is actually one of my favorite pieces in the FF literature of song. Granted, Faye Wong is an over-emphasized slut, but still, the song itself is great. Especially the ending theme. B. Almost anything Mitsuda is at least technically fun to study, because of the way he uses rhythms and chord structures (drums and the little note thingies that make sounds, for the uninitiated). C. If its one thing I'm starting to get sick of, it's Nobuo's *2 chords. I mean, one can only take so much of a C2 - Am2 - F2 - G2 - Ab2 - Bb2 - C2. (Recognize the progression anyone?) It'd be fine if it weren't for the fact that EVERYTHING he does is rife with *2 chords. I LOVE Celes' theme. I LOVE the chocobo theme, and I LOVE Terra's theme. Why? Because other than the fact that they're catchy and gorgeous, in the case of the first and last one, and the fact that I love the horses of the series, they have NO *2 chords. NONE! So the summary is, Mitsuda good. Nobuo good except for the *2. And let's not forget Melodies of Life, which I will be performing in Japanese at my Senior Recital this semester. So just a little word of opinion for you. Oh, and send all flames to Hobjerky@whoremall.com Thx, and I hope for once I don't get ignored and that I can actually feel like I've accomplished something, Lorinan Rivendale

Baffling me with allusions to an imminent marriage while simultaneously making me feel guilty, inadequately equipped to appreciate music, and unfit to host the present discussion as a result is always a good way to get your letter printed.

The icing on the cake, here, is that you remind me to mention that I don't really hate Eyes on Me; the version that plays at the close of the game is actually something I've been known to listen to. Voluntarily, even. The song really comes into its own backed by the more full, orchestral sound of the ending. Its earlier star turn aboard the Ragnorok sucks proverbial rhino nutz in comparison, with its tinny, synthy strains.

Cool, isn't it, how I can criticize the song I explicitly forbade you all from mentioning? Sucks to be you.

Cohesion, unity, and wanton rehashing

Erin (and that dude that prompted her to create this topic), thank you for allowing me to open my personal pandora's box of complaints about one of the most utterly annoying aspects of RPG's. What don't I like about RPG music? (Btw, I know you asked for a specific 'tune,' but this is just something I have to scream about.) The same god-damned battle music played throughout the entire 60-hour quest. Sweet Jesus, WHY? Uematsu, Mitsuda, Iwadare, and all those other RPG music badasses waste so many good battle pieces on events that last five minutes (or quicker for those mofos who like to level up), and yet we're stuck with the same ol' crappy-ass battle theme that gets you reaching for the IB Profin in under an hour. Why can't you just, you know, kinda MIX UP the battle music from time to time? Perhaps change it with the individual discs? (I realize that suggestion is kinda moot, with the advent of DVD-ROM, but, eh...) I think one of the most enjoyable aspects of Grandia was its four (count 'em--FOUR) different normal battle themes. On the flipside, I was not able to complete Chrono Cross, because of the 'Gale' overload (bless Mitsuda's heart for not making me have to finish with the billionth consecutive, mandatory subquest). THANKFULLY, RPG's aren't all about battles. (And those with a higher emphasis on battles tend to vary the battle music--can you imagine FFT with only one battle theme? I shudder when I think about the FFXI soundtrack's potential for repetitive suckiness, given that its entire scope consists of hitting bad guys over the head with sticks--they'd better come up with a hell of a lot of bad-guy-hitting themes.) So what's up with the music the other 50% of the time? Probably some rehash of a theme. Yes, yes, our lazy friend Uematsu is notorious for this one. You know, drop a few themes in there, and just kinda change the instruments, blend one or two together, and I'm supposed to be satisfied. If I want remixes, I'll ask Stephen Kennedy (btw, Erin, I checked the sponsors list, and you did NOT donate to Project Majestic Mix >:-|). But when I pay outrageous prices for imported soundtracks, I don't expect a flood of the same theme over and over--two at the most, please. Did you know approximately 20% of the FFX soundtrack is just Hymn of the Fayth variations? That's just inexcusable. Which brings us to... ending themes. I tend to like my ending themes big and full of grandeur, so the Final Fantasy series--particularly VI and VIII--kind of suits my taste in this area, as much as they tend to dish out the repetition (see the previous paragraphs if you couldn't take a hint ;D). If anywhere, this is where I want to see the themes we know and love come back for one last powerful bang. FFVI and FFVIII did this brilliantly, as I said, the former combining every character theme in what was a fantastically composed (well, for SNES MIDI) string of aural pleasure, and FFVIII blew my mind with the orchestral power of Eyes on Me, the FF main theme, and that whole Liberi Fatali redeux. (Look, I'm a walking, talking testimonial!) And now, finally... the answer to the topic. I thought, and I don't think I'm alone here, that FFIX's ending just plain sucked. A limp rendition of the FF theme and a song that became lousy after the thousandth listen, without any visual enhancements--all we got were names and titles moving from the bottom of the screen to the top, and crap we'd already seen from start to finish of the entire hoo-haa of the ending. LAME. Runner-up for RPG endings themes that sucked: Grandia's. As much as I dig those four battle themes, the ending consisted of music WE HAD ALREADY HEARD THROUGHOUT THE GAME. What the hell is up with that? That's a big no-no. Bad Iwadare, bad! But at least that same theme wasn't the map theme, the town theme, the love theme, and the theme of two major characters. That's worse than the god-damned battle music. And we KNOW how much I hate repetitive battle music. -- Steve, who does that thing, with the streetlights, and all that jazz.

Considering the great detail in which I've delved into my own thoughts on battle themes in the past, I'm gonna pass on that one tonight.

But your hatred of Uematsu's "rehashing" intrigues me, because one of the things I've admired most about his scores is their thematic cohesion. Yes. That's the badass impressive term by which I'm going to refer to it.

Paring Locke's rousing adventurer's song down to the plaintive shadow that became Rachel's theme suggested their interconnectedness, and also the thief's dual nature. Similarly, riddling Spira with the Hymn of the Fayth spoke of the correlations between Sin, summoner, Aeon and Yevon, and of the people's reliance on and coexistence with all of the above.

I took it as an intentional underscoring of plot and purpose - not just some lazy, bastardly attempt at cheaping up a soundtrack.

The musical stylings of Kenny G

Agent Orange-- The worst non-lyrical recent song is the Auron's Revealed Truth new age jazz theme-- aka Wandering Flame, aka Guadosalam Farplane theme. Gee, let's throw in the stylings of Kenny G at key moments to make this already musically challenged song even more so. How utterly sadistic to force innocent dead people to have to listen to that miserable tripe for eternity. -EK

For all that that one effectively conveyed a sort of ... oooh ... I dunno ... cold, stale morning-after mood, soprano saxes don't do it for me, either. There's no place for Kenny G in gaming. Especially not in Castlevania.

Whistle down the wind (or throw a big-ass rock at it)

Agent, Well, while there's a myriad of forgettable pieces out there, the only one that made me grate my nails and hork my lunch was the one truly screamable moment in an otherwise stellar game. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. Wondeful, exciting hard rock, classical, chantlike pieces all through the game...until...until... that poppy piece of crap they used as an end-title. I can't even remember its name anymore, even though I have the soundtrack. I've been pretending the CD ends on the track before it for a year now. Just ew. Regards, Plotter

It's called "I Am the Wind." Seeing as how you did me the service of reminding me it ever happened, I figured I'd return the favor.

My problem with this sizeable smart pill is its incongruence with the rest of the score. Much like the "complete" ending sequence of C:SotN had nothing to do with anything that actually happened in the game, "I Am the Wind" felt contrived and completely tacked-on. An afterthought we really didn't need to have.

The scent of old fish

Erin: Denmother of All Things Dastardly, Devilish, and Delicious, Bad RPG music? Without even a moment's hesitation, Eyes on... [re- reads last sentence of column] Dammit! Why must you spoil my fun? Curse you woman and your party-pooping ways! You're lucky you're quick-witted and intelligent, otherwise you and I would be through. Oh, and did I forget to mention "dead sexay"? Now what am I gonna talk about? Oh wait a minute. This has been mentioned more than once on the DA, but I feel it needs repeating. The way battle music is done desperately needs to change. No matter how good any piece of battle music is, it becomes almost painful to the ears by the 500th repetition. So, my first vote for things that must go are the 45 hour RPGs with one single, lonely battle track. Grandia had 2 or 3, FF8 at least had the occasional appearance of Laguna's battle music, and FF Tactics had a handful. Stop the madness!! The second item on my "Music that Needs to Die" list is, of course, the now-required FF J-pop song. No thorough explanation is really needed here. Listening to "Eyes on Me" and, to a lesser extent, "Suteki da ne" is no different than inserting an N-Sync song in to a strong, emotional scene in an American film. It turns a previously powerful scene into a stinkin', steamin' pile of worthless shit. Yes, I understand that some people are fond of J-pop and I have no problem with that. I myself have taken a fancy to a few of those syrupy little numbers. There's a time and a place for J-pop, though. If you're wondering where that place is, here's a hint: it's not in FF's already weak attempts at romance. (But that's another topic for another day) Finally, I'd like to end with a little wish. As someone (probably the person behind this topic) pointed out, game soundtracks in general are usually fairly forgettable outside of a couple of tunes. Now that gaming is becoming a more mature (real maturity, not 13-year old sex + violence maturity) medium and is ready to deal with a broader range of topics, I sincerely hope the gaming industry gets some fresh blood in the music department. Perhaps with the appearance of Harry-Gregson Williams on the MGS2 soundtrack, we'll see some more talented ladies and gents take a crack at scoring games. I like Nobuo too, but viva la difference. Griffin, who has a craving for Atlantic City this weekend. All hail free liquor!

I didn't print this letter exclusively because of its mentions of free liquor, nor for its first few already well-masticated points.

I chose it for its final sentiment - because my reading through it roughly coincided with the time at which I was remarking to myself "Gawd. Another day, another Square-dominated DA." There're more fish in the sea than Yasunori and Nobuo.... and one can only eat tuna for so long.

REEP ROW

Dear Erin "have you never been" Mehlos, Hey, you didn't correct me when you printed my joke about your name sounding like "mellow" t'other day! A winner is me! There is one, simple, self-explanatory choice for the worst music present in any video game ever, and it is Super Mario Kart. I've just grabbed a copy of the music off Zophar.net to refresh my memory, and all 22 music tracks manage to be exceptionally grating. The worst in beepy, unrefined SNES sounds (Mario World, an earlier game, did far better) combined with simple, repetitive tunes make this music nearly unbearable. The only thing that could make me endure this music again would be actually playing Super Mario Kart. (I almost wrote in about that, how even the worst game music tends to just slip by me ignored when I'm enjoying the game, and I usually only notice the music that really grabs me in a good way.) If I had to choose one piece of music, rather than an entire game it would be... Yoshi's winning music. Oh god... the five seconds of music that loops and loops, the horrible whistle sound, the synthesized "REEP ROW" that was supposed to pass for Yoshi saying his name in every SNES game that featured him ...the horror, the horror. The connection this song has in my mind with losing because my opponent took the character with the best acceleration is only a small part of the pain it causes me. By the way, your referencing of Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors gave me unpleasant childhood flashbacks. You've proved your Double Agent pop-culture mastery (well, you had already anyway...) but why couldn't it be with something nice, like Swat Kats? -Paul Segal, can't believe a friend of his doesn't like Rika Murakana's "The Best Is Yet To Come"

Mario Kart, now that you mention it, really did get the shaft in terms of early SNES tunage. It must have; I can't for the life of me remember a single track to even confirm my suspicion.

Closing Comments:

Well. I didn't get to print a third of the relevant letters I got today, so I suppose an apology for my being mortal are in order.

For tomorrow, in honor of ZOE's heading on over to the GBA, why don't you enrapture my heart with a halting thesis on what you think makes some games work better in portable form than others, and/or what it takes to capture the soul of a series in handheld form?

-Erin Mehlos