Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Evil incantations - 5 for $1! Don't say we didn't warn you.

It's Friday. That's all you need know.

Let's go.

Karma

... Tactics Ogre Gaiden. ... TACTICS OGRE GAIDEN?! This "exciting announcment" may be "exciting" to me, if my only forms of entertainment was playing bingo with old, amish people out on the farm that I would live on, and this... "exciting" Tactics Ogre Gaiden was one of my first ventures into the land of video games, which I find on a video game site while on the internet for the first time, amazed by all those magically appearing boxes and the avalibility of porn, while I am unknowing of the forbidden fruit that is P2: Innocent Sin and all the Megami Tensei games, never to see the light of day on this side of the Pacific in English! Do these cruel, heartless folk at Atlus take pleasure in making poor, innocent people like me suffer while they hold up their games that we, English-only speaking fans jump at, begging and whining about how we want a taste of this sweet, sweet fruit in which we will never taste?! No! There is only one answer! EVERYONE HATES ME! THIS LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING! AAAAARGH! I know Atlus has a poor definition of "exciting". I don't care! - Esto Carass, suicidal

Here I was trying to rid myself of the mingled negativities of last night's col, and you come along still toting Thursday's baggage and unload it all on me.

Obscure enough for you?

Dear Erin "Have you never been" Mehlos, How frustrating. When I saw "Miaowara" mentioned in yesterday's column, for a moment I thought you actually had made some sort of obtuse reference to Mark E. Rogers' brilliant Samurai Cat series. But then it turned out to just be a reference made by the next letter-writer's nom de plume, which was taken from the famous Tomakato's nephew's name. My faith in your witty letters columnist power is broken, and I'm inconsolable. Could you pretty please make some really obscure, funny references today so I'll feel better? Thanks! Your biggest fan, Paul Segal P.S. Vib-Ribbon 2 is the best idea ever invented by anyone ever. Ever. I just wonder what they can bring to the already nearly perfect formula of the original... besides a U.S. release, of course.

Thundering across the stars, to save the universe from the Monster Minds, I hereafter vow to search the web over for the obscure and funny, to unite my magic, faithless readers and lead Double Agent to victory over the changing form of SawBoss. Wheeled Warriors explode into battle - Lightning Strikes!

For your benefit, I have scattered the esoteric and glaringly geeky throughout this column, but to find it, you will have to unravel a series of 13 clues....

A message of peace

Secret Agent Woman, Hey there, me again. I just thought I'd write in a profound story for today. To understand the profoundness of my story, the reader must understand a little something of my background in video games. I've been playing since the days of Atari and C64, and console RPGs from the days of Phantasy Star, Dragon Warrior, and Final Fantasy (notice there are no numbers after these titles). I used to be a hardcore, no manuals, work it through yourself the first time gamer, and to some extent I still am. I socialize freely with oldschool and newschool alike, though I detest the terminology, and I'm very interested to find out what newer players of video games like vs. old players of video games. Once in a while, though, one of these young people who started with Final Fantasy VII shocks the socks off of you. I am sending my little brother (well, he's 15) my old PSX... after all, I don't need it now that I have my luscious PS2, right? I also sent him a list of every videogame I own, and asked him which he would like to borrow. He sent the list on to a friend, a female who is also a gamer and also 15, and told me some of the games she recommended for him, a top ten list, if you will. Most of those games weren't a big shock. Final Fantasy VII, VIII, and IX are almost a prerequisite on any list of good RPGs. However, this 15 year old newschool started with FFVII gamer also suggested Dragon Warrior VII and Harvest Moon : Back to Nature. I felt kind of awed that a new RPG gamer would not only be interested in these games, but also interested enough to include them in her list of the top 10 RPGs ever made for Playstation. Not only that, but she is a "hardcore" gamer - someone who refuses to cheat or look through a walkthrough for any game. Moral of the story - Prejudices and labels really aren't that useful, are they? Try to keep an open mind, people. ~arc

Who do you think you are pushing understanding, tolerance and open-mindedness like so much crack cocaine on my watch? This is a forum for the elitist hardcore few, destined to lord their 1337itude over those unfortunate enough to have been born 5 years after the advent of the Colecovision. They are but sheep, and we the only game gods - ironically enamoured as we are of the past, despite our fervent loyalty to a calling rooted in cutting-edge technologies.

C'mon, arc. You didn't honestly think you'd get away with it, did you?

I ... Gaaaah.

Sex factor

Uhm... I'll admit that I don't know that much about the character relationships in Xenosaga, but that first poster indicates to me that there's a lot of hentai that can be stored on two DVD's. Then again, you know how a lot of that Japanese promotional artwork, etc., which is directed at horny fanboys, usually turns out like this a lot. It's like they can't have the emotional, psychological hoo-haa of the original Xenogears without now adding spiced-up naughtiness like this. Well, let me tell you something. Xenosaga just became Evangelion. Hmph. --Steve, who calls people names outside the knowing yellow sweep of the streetlights.

It's funny ... I didn't really find that poster all that hentai-rific, myself, but of course I'm a pervert of reknown and consequently have become quite numb to the presence of mild sex in marketing. That aside ... whaddaya mean it just became Evangelion? It wasn't already? Christ, dude. Xenogears was Evangelion already - even without a Rei Ayanami clone to call its own.

On a wholly unrelated note, I'm glad to have helped you find a tagline to call your own.

Unmet needs

To Agent Erin, My Favorite Sarcastic Female Gamer I've been thinking... ever since I beat FFX (and after having beaten FFVIII and CC for the tenth and eleventh times, respectively), I realized I'm not that excited for what the coming year (or two) has to offer. Granted some of the marquee efforts of other houses (like Suikoden or WildArms or StarOcean or XenoSaga) MAY come over here before we're staring down the barrel of 2K3. But then again, they may not. Plus, since I am confident that I will not be able to afford to play FFXI, and FFXII is probably a bit away, I'm one unhappy camper over here. *sigh* Anyway, since it seems like I'll have to wait a good while for games I'd want to play, I thought I'd toss out some ideas for RPGs that I think would kick, and pray that some random, English speaking member of Enix or something reads this column. 1. Escaflowne - Maybe this happened in Japan and we never heard about it (if so, it was probably of the same level of "quality" as most of the DBZ shite) But think how cool it would be if done half-decently (by GameArts or Atlus, perhaps?... i.e. not by Bandai) A world where the few chosen ones pilot cool mecha while engaging in epic swordplay sounds like a winning formula for an RPG or SRPG to me. I mean, if Xenogears could mix human-level and mech-level combat in the same game 4 YEARS ago, I don't see why it can't happen now. 2. Robotech/Macross - see above; add alien menace (like Xenogears! *gasp*) 3. Gundam - see #1; particularly the part about DBZ 4. Cowboy Bebop - Play as an interstellar bounty hunter; use guns and martial arts; mod your own ship; engage in interstellar dogfights; defeat organized crime; don't save the world. Throw in a wicked jazz soundtrack and believable characters. Make it play like Metal Gear or Vagrant Story. I'd buy it. I'd sell my kidney(s) to buy it. (and just cuz I can't go a letter without mentioning Square) 5. Vagrant Story 2 with Voice Acting and Inventory Sanity - Only conceivable Action/RPG besides Zelda that wouldn't suck big donkey dick. The trick is to turn an established anime franchise (in #1-4) into a GOOD game. Seems like anime based games are Japan's versions of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" or "The Rocketeer" sometimes. *shudder* -JC, a Square Whore with aspirations of Square Pimpitude

The bad news I must now break to you, my friend, is stinky and multi-layered - in many ways, this bad news is an onion, but markedly less good with raw beef and rye: Escaflowne (and, actually, Macross and Gundam - the latter prolifically) has, in fact, already been game-ified ... by none other than Bandai - like you couldn'tve seen that coming - and does, in fact, suck the proverbial wombat - like you couldn'tve seen that coming were you deaf, dumb, blind, and jammed up a Snorlax's ass. The laws of God and man so require.

On a brighter note, you're not alone in your heated desire for the hard, glistening body of a second VS...

Truth flits like a firefly through the cold night of the soul

So I sit here pondering what to write. Then my mind alights like a small chaos butterfly upon the topic of crack-hos. Thus, it flits from crack-hos to skank-hos, detours around my love life, and then circles back into a topic I'm able to relate to: GTA3. Then my mind stops, hesitates, then flits off again. It briefly stops upon FFX, then flaps off into the future. It flies past FFXI, then settles upon a dark thought named FFXII. FFXII is headed by the person who directed Vagrant Story and Final Fantasy Tactics. Forget FFT for the time being. Focus on Vagrant Story. I want a Final Fantasy with tragic villains like Romeo and Samantha. I want a Final Fantasy with an anti-hero like Sydney. I want, GODDAMNIT, a strong female lead who isn't always apologizing for her actions like Callo Merlose! I want intelligent, yet slimy, people like Rosencrantz on the side, trying to manipulate all sides for their own good. I want a hero who realizes that "whether you lost a wife and child or killed an innocent family, you cannot bring back the dead." I want a hero who isn't an optimistic, enthusiastic youth! I want Victorian architecture! I want a living massive city similiar to the one they show during the ending! I want Catholic mysticism mixed with traditional sorcery with Wiccan undercurrents! I want Vagrant Story II! Startled, the butterfly that is my mind flits away, stunned by the power of the thought. My mind then enjoys causing hurricanes. Noah. I almost wish I had time to play games nowadays.

Uh ... causing hurricanes is a lot of fun. Especially when you're bored and out of pancakes to stick to the wall.

Get down with the sickness

Erin, I think I'm sick, and you may be the only person who can help me. Two weeks ago, I was thoroughly obsessed with Final Fantasy X. I would play every chance I got. Now, having whooped Yunalesca's evil thonged ass, I have been putting off continuing with the game. It started two weeks ago. I have done strange things to avoid the game. I went and saw 6 movies in 6 days. I took opportunities to be "social." I enrolled in classes at the community college after not having been in school for 8 months and I've actually been going. I have wasted time on such things as "sleep," "work," and "going out in public." What's wrong with me? I want nothing more than to find out just what the hell is going on with Jecht and Sin and if everybody dies, or if Tidus can save the world or if he's gonna wake up and get with Rikku...but I refuse to play and find out. I think I'm feeling backlash from mid Disc 3 in FFVIII. I fear that the story will start sucking all of a sudden or the spere grid will cease to be cool or the last dungeon will be hard beyond fun. I need somebody to tell me that the ending rocks and will make me cry like a schoolgirl or something. I need someone to tell me that it's worth it, and more important than my Madden 2002 season or getting to the third island in GTA3. Please, I feel my FF fanboy-geekyness slipping away from me. Help, in any way you possibly can and I shall be eternally in debt to you... Cheers ~ A Pikafoo in dire need...

The only solace I can afford you, my child, is my personal reassurance that FFX's ending is something akin to a dip in a chocolate-filled hottub with a small group of three or four bisexual cheerleaders of your choosing, all of whom have attained BAs in some specialized erotic study or another - i.e. it'll leave sticky and sobbing for more.

More I cannot say, lest I spoil the nature of the ending and kick in a few Net Nannies.

Refrain

Erin, O Water-Walking Suger Cube, I am a Square Whore. I own FFIV - X + T, Xenogears, and VS. I own the OST's for FFVIII and Xenogears, as well as Reunion, Creid, and the FFIX OST+. The fact that Uematsu composed Otherworld shocked me out of my steel-toed boots, but the song itself is actually sub-par when compared to real heavy metal *cough* Ill Omen (that's ILL, not 3...damned English lettering...) *cough* and really sounds like a Rob Zombie clone. This is a part of something I have started to notice recently, and the fanboy part of me (which is the majority of my small body) wishes I had never come across this, like how my fellow Americans must feel when, on the ungodly rare occasion that they do this, they look at reality and see that we truly are the Nation-Scourge, death of all, Rome with a nuke, etc. etc. Nobuo Uematsu's music is, by and large, although very good, highly unoriginal. If you pay attention, you'll realize that almost every riff is one that you'd heard before, many many times. Yes, I know that most musicians are probably guilty of this, and that Ue-chan is probably not doing it intentionally, but still, it hurts. I used to scream the virtues of this composer, but now, whenever a song of his plays, I can't help but remember the song(s) that it was cloned from. Besides, I think Tactics had better music; Iwata and Sakimoto came up with a soundtrack that truly had a powerful "feel" about it, like Xenogears and the whole celtic thang, only more of an emotion feel than a cultural one. Ach..."Ich weiss nicht was soll es bedeuten, das ich so traurig bin..." ~Beowulf_VII; and Delita kills her, I say...there's no way that's a kiss

It's only a matter of time, I suppose, before we run out of notes.

Which reminds me ... did anyone else notice that FFX has a track with like ... four phrases that are musically identical to Greensleeves?

Loving conjectures

I recently finished Final Fantasy X, and if you'll permit me to do so, I'd like to share my opinion on the game and make some conjectures about its place in gaming history. Having spent fifty hours with it, I can honestly say that FFX excels in every tangible aspect of video game design, be it graphics, sound, gameplay, story, or any other term commonly brought up in reviews. However, this can be said about the last six games in the series as well, as Final Fantasy has long been guilty of peerless design and aesthetic, and to be honest, I was expecting everything I got from the game. Until the ending. The ending to this game blindsided me completely with a power and integrity I've never witnessed before in all my long years of video-gaming. The game's plot was certainly the most mature out of all the Final Fantasy's, and kept finding ways to improve as the game progressed, but it wasn't until this astonishing, hyperbole-inducing ending that I felt it had clearly reached its moment of transcendence. The series has had several moments like this in the past, flashes of raw emotion so brilliantly executed they have become pivotal, icon-like representations of the progression of the RPG genre. Aeris' death was the most recent one of these. With her died the Final Fantasy of old. With his sword, Sephiroth had drawn a line in the sand. I can guess that in time, FFX's ending will become as known and revered as Aeris' death, but I feel that this has accomplished something greater. For the first time in the series, possibly in the brief life span of video games, a digital, mostly interactive product invited valid comparison to any well made big-budget Hollywood melodrama. If it were a movie, legions of 13 year old girls would cry until they could cry no more, then go back and see it six additional times. Gaming has now seen its first true Gone With the Wind. My mind reels at what The Godfather will be like. - Esoteric Alias From A Personally Beloved Game

Now, see. This individual has attained Square pimpitude.

Un-pop

Erin, dahlinnng - oh scratch that, you dated the column wrong: Finally, a free topic! This gives me a chance to ask a question that has bugged me for quite some time now: Why don't the Americans like the FF pop songs? You know what I mean - People seem to complain non-stop about the Eyes on Me, less about Melodies of Life, and for a while people wished the FFX pop song would be some hard-hitting rock ditty. So I'm just curious, and maybe you could either ask everyone to tell Drew, or you could answer it for me: Is there something wrong with the songs that I've never noticed because I'm an asian female? Or is there some other hidden, sinister reason, one that involves the intertwined conspiracy of over 3 terrorist groups? Enlighten me. Thank you. DMJ.

What? Even though I fixed it after the column had been up a scant 10 hours, my screwing up the date earns me naught but contempt? How fickle thou art.

I can't say I hate the now-requisite FF pop song, but nor can I say I'm particularly fond of it. For my part, it's as simple as these lyric pieces (chiefly Eyes On Me) being overly reminiscent of the easy listening sound shared by a dozen near-indistinguishable pop divas of the Mariah Carey/Celine Dion mold - it's just not a musical genre that, given my druthers, I listen to. To be fair, Melodies of Life was an improvement, and Suteki da ne a marked improvement.

Why everyone else hates them I can only speculate. Probably they're just mean-spirited bastards.

Microsoft Spokesman Expected to Scratch Ass in Q2

Does anyone else out there read Gamespot and other mainstream gaming sites? Does anyone else feel like anytime a Microsoft spokesman scratches his ass it becomes their headline? Here's what their headlines seem to look like (I am exaggerating to make a point of course) 1. Microsoft still wants Square and Enix to develop for the Xbox. (hmmm, really, I never would have guessed) 2. (Insert Indie game developer here) to adapt (insert obscure garage-developed PC game here) for Xbox 3. Bill Gates scratches ass, insists, no, proves that Microsoft and its employees are hip and cool too 4. Sega to develop Panzer Dragoon, Jet Set Radio, GunValkyrie exclusively for Xbox (uhh oh yeah they forgot to tell us that "exclusive" means that a few months later those games will be on PS2) 5. Dead to Rights now exclusive to Xbox (whooops they forgot to say coming out 3 months before the PS2 version) 6. dreamcast resurges, sells 8 million units over the holiday, sega to reinvest in hardware business 7. square announces final fantasy tactics 2 8. shigeru miyamoto dies in horrible train wreck Sorry I went a little overboard, but that what I feel like the headlines are on Gamespot and on other mainstream sites (and Mags). Maybe I am just paranoid, oops, not paranoid, what's that word, oh yeah, annoyed. I know those people are not real journalists, but for God's sake how is the fact that Microsoft is trying to get Square and Enix's support a news story? Gee I could have told you that. I also have the best, and by best I mean worst, quote from a Microsoft PR guy yet: "Gamers say 'oh god you don't have Final Fantasy therefore you'll fail and they don't mean that they literally want Final Fantasy, although it's a wonderful game. What they're saying is 'I want a game that makes me feel like when I first did Final Fantasy'. (from gamers.com) Thanks for clearing that up, I now realize that I don't actually like Final Fantasy, but the idea of there being a Final Fantasyesque experience. Sorry for the long letter, but I have been wanting to write this letter for a while, and thanks to "free topic day," I have been given that forum. Matt, long, long time reader, second time writer PS, anyone else think that the "X" in Xbox stands for "Xtreme"? PPS, anyone else tired of the "X"?

To this I say... Oh god, you don't have a clue, PR guy, therefore you'll fail. And I don't mean that I literally want you to get a clue, although knowing what the fuck you're saying is a wonderful thing. What I'm saying is "I want the pain to stop...."

And yes. Now I'll probably be blasted into the stratosphere for making such a glaringly anti-Xbox statement, but allow me to qualify, for the subtleties of my dissatisfaction are often obscured by the limiting textual medium of DA: I've got nothing against the Xbox, but damned if I don't passionately dislike their PR people, and double-damned if I don't passionately dislike Ed Fries. Removing the aforementioned parties from your roster, Microsoft, will most probably speed my buying your console.

Bitching and gnashing of teeth

Erin, Tell me if this sounds like a good game to you: Fully-detailed, vibrant, gigantic, inhabited gameworld with plenty to do. Basic storyline, but otherwise non-linear gameplay where your actions actually produce some results. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Grand Theft Auto III proved that if done right, a game like this can sell thousands... no, millions of copies, both among the niche and the mainstream gamers of this country. I would think that those hoping to follow in GTA3's footsteps would realize what they needed to do in order to make their game successful. Apparently not. I'm sure that by now you've heard of State of Emergency for the PS2. Perhaps it's just because it's being published by Rockstar, but most gaming stores I've visited are pitching it as: if you liked GTA3, you'll love State of Emergency. Why is this? Does State of Emergency feature a detailed city to explore and tons of stuff to do? No, its gameplay is startlingly similar to the arcade game Smash TV, but it lets you kill lots of people in a public setting. Oh; well, great then. That's why everyone's playing GTA3, right? The non-linear gameplay, fully realized gameworld, and polished gameplay is all secondary and inconsequential. People like GTA3 because it lets you beat down the elderly using baseball bats. Any game where you get to kill lots of people will be a rousing success. Excuse me, but didn't we leave this bullshit behind about five years ago? People liked Doom for its intense action and Gothic setting, but other game makers figured they must have liked it because you got to kill things, so they made Postal, a game about killing people-- and it bombed severely. People liked Mortal Kombat because it was graphically detailed and a simpler alternative for all those who couldn't grok Street Fighter's more in-depth gameplay, but other game makers figured they must have liked it because you got to rip people's heads off, so they made Time Killers, a ridiculously violent fighting game that played like shit... and people avoided it in about the same manner. Attention Video Game Developers: Please Stop Being So Fucking Stupid! Give the gaming populace some credit; they want games that are going to be fun, not games that are going to give them some kind of cheap thrill. Even the most remedial gamers won't play a game like Postal or Time Killers more than once or twice, because novelty is no substitute for gameplay no matter who you are. The lesson that should be learned from GTA3's success is that gamers want something they can play in their own way, something that's going to have replay value-- something that's going to start out fun and keep on being fun. I had thought that game makers learned not to pander to humanity's most base senses in order to sell games based on novelty alone, and that if nothing else the Columbine incident reinforced this, but apparently I was wrong. -Nij My life is twenty-four hours a day.

Man, were you ever.

Closing Comments:

For tomorrow, Drew has something special in store for you lot: a fully pictorial edition of DA! Undoubtedly this means graphic sex & violence, which breeds in me a modicum of resentment: I'm never around for anything fun. Hmmm. Coincidence? Most probably not.

Ah well. Seeing as how it's Friday, I shall just have to console myself with exotic mixed drinks. In any case, send the man letters and incense his artistic passions.

-Erin Mehlos