Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Whatever happened to your sexmonkey, anyway? Don't say we didn't warn you.

More people wrote in today to point out what universally adored authors didn't get mentioned yesterday than people wrote in with their personal dream dev teams. Rest assured, many of these literary gods among men were in fact advocated, but for brevity's sake I hadda get arbitrary on your asses and randomly choose a few letters according to more arcane criteria ... such as ... whose epistles came bundled with the fattest wads of green.

Today's lucky contributors, however, were hand-picked based on their ratios of snow removal to body weight - for it's finally winter in Wisconsin, and the morning jaunt to school (or more accurately, the morning tractionless spiraling up and down the length and breadth of the Beltline highway) has renewed my passion for driving with its many challenges, obstacles and near-unbeatable bosses.

Now if only I could give the necessary number of handjobs in black, sooty alleyways to save up enough cash for a fully-loaded Havoc.... Ah, if only there were more hours in the day.

Anyway, you guys sent me letters or something, right? So stop talking about the obscure and obscene and let's go, already.

Insufficient condemnation

I was just wondering, what is the status of the GIA assignment list of pain that was agreed to when the GIA pledges came through. I forget what has been completed and what hasn't. P.S. I'm surprised no one mentioned Neversoft's "Apocalypse" Yesterday. That thing stared Bruce Willas and Rock Star Poe! (And an early version of the Tony Hawk engine). -- BeerGoggles_FromMARS Daniel Kaszor

A number of people have recently written in inquiring after the seemingly discontinued Gauntlet of Pain. Some have vowed to never again pledge our lying, sack o' shit asses another cent, regardless of what crises may arise in the future.

Rest assured, though, the Gauntlet will go on. Four humiliating, de-humanizing tortures have already been suffered by dedicated staffers, Nich's presently picking his way through Beyond the Beyond in much the same way an elderly fat man picks his way through a pit of superheated snakes made of jaggedly-cut sheet metal carrying a 750 volt charge, and time-permitting, the others will soon be embarking on their own oddysees of agony.

Man, am I glad I showed up well after August.

If you can't stand the cooks, get out of the kitchen

EM, Battle: Hiroyuki Ito, from FFT Music: Mitsuda, from CC, and Iwata/Sakimoto, from FFT Scenario: Takahashi, from Xenogears Character Design: Yoshida, from Vagrant Story Graphics: Whoever did MGS 2 or FFX... Voice Casting: Metal Gear Solid people Executive Producers: Kojima and...hmm...Miyamoto? A 3D tactical RPG with a deep plot and religious overtones meets a dark and moody cast of characters, immersed in a game with the best music and gameplay the industry has to offer. Chris told me I had "too many cooks". What do you think? -Red Raven

Do you know what's sick? I vaguely remember Chris' "too many cooks" comment.

I dunno if I fully agree with it, though, being largely from the school of thought that believes you cannot have too much of a good thing.

Tetsuya Takahashi being in large part responsible for XG's epic narrative style, I think he'd fit right in with the ranks of SRPG Tolstoy-wannabes, while perhaps bringing a touch of comprehensibility to a genre characterized by baffling storylines.

My only question would be Miyamoto and Kojima co-producing. How the hell is that supposed to work?

A legacy of whores

Hey Erin, Hmm. Interesting idea. Well if I had an infinite amount of money and I could hire anyone I would choose: Director: Yoshinori Kitase-I've absolutley loved ever game this guy has ever directed from FFVII to FFX. Sure Kojima would be the obvious choice but this guy thinks up some really cool stuff and after MGS2 I don't want to see my storyline going in such a radical and depressing direction. Scenario/Writing: Kazushige Nojima, Tetsuya Nomura, Yoshinori Kitase, and Hironobu Sakaguchi-After the amazing story of FF7 I would just love to see this collaboration again! Sure it's not the most creative idea but with 4 guys working on the story and giving input you really can't go wrong. Composer: Yasunori Mitsuda and Nobuo Uematsu-Mitsuda covers intro, town themes, dramatic pieces while Uematsu takes character themes, battle themes, and ending music. Character Design: Tetsuya Nomura-Sure his characters look a bit odd sometimes but this is the same guy who designed Sephiroth, Cloud, Squall, Auron, Rikku, Cid, and countless others. I'd give him complete freedom and give him one word descriptions to work with. "Bad ass! Now draw!" That's about all I could think of I guess. God I'm a Square whore. I guess I just want another FF game with a little better and more varied music than FFX's. I just like what these guys do I guess. I don't want DW scenario, CC direction, or VS character design. Simply put Square has found some of the most talented men in the industry to create some of the best RPGs out there. Tyrone Swanson who is actually having trouble beating a boss in a FF game.

So basically.... your wishes have for the most part come true, already, you shameless Square whore, give or take a composer.

Next, please.

A quickie

Dear Erin: Because I missed yesterday's topic, a quickie first: I'd like to see Yuki Kaori write something for a videogame. Sure, she's a manga artist, but if you've seen her work (Angel Sanctuary and her Earl Cain series come to mind), she has that gothic touch with faith-shattering stories (her work is so gothic it's almost morally offensive, really) that could put anything to shame. That, and she once admitted she liked the FF series (she sort of said she was a Square whore), so the thought of her doing something gothic in rendered 3D makes me get a nice tingly morbid feeling. And this segues into today's topic: Dream Teams. I have 4 people I must have- Yasumi Matsuno (direct, write, whatever), Akihiko Yoshida (character design), Hitoshi Sakimoto and Masaharu Iwata (music). Of course, that means I already have 2 games catered to my needs (discounting FF12 because it's not really confirmed). But the world could always use more Yasumi Matsuno. Yasunori Mitsuda could do the music too, if he doesn't mind sharing the spotlight (he already did in Shadow Hearts, won't make a difference). I'd imagine Peter Molyneux would be able to do something fantastic for anyone, but someone else can go elaborate on that. Now if I added Yuki Kaori as scenario writer in the 4-man Dream Team, I believe I'll have found my almost-perfect game (nothing's perfect). And finally, because his work was so well done that he was the first localizer to be named: Alexander O. Smith to translate. He could work with whoever he wants, I don't care. Just make sure his name is in there as main localizer or something. Then all we'd have to worry about is the battle system. And this has gone too long, so I shall stop here. Too many parentheses already... DMJ

Glad someone mentioned Alexander O. Smith. He took another dark, heavily-religious Matsuno effort reeking of dust and antiquity that probably could have come out every bit as garbled and tedious as FFT had, say, *ahem* SCEA been responsible for its localization, and made into a deliciously readable slab of language; an English-lover's wet dream.

As far as your battle system, seeing as how you're undecided, allow me to recommend Hiromichi Tanaka....

Peaceful study in the humanities...

My Dream Team? Here goes: Producer: Tetusya Takahashi Director: Tetusya Takahashi Writer/Scenario: Tetusya Takahashi Graphics: Yusuke Naora Character Designer: Kunihiko Tanaka Music: Yasunori Mitsuda I virtually like anything that has Tetsuya Takahshi involved with - that guy has *vision*. It's rare that anybody would write a Tolkien-esque indepth script that places heavy emphasis on humanities for a video game, you know. - zid must die

'cept he didn't write the actual script per se - just directed and handled scenario conceptualization (which I only mention because if I don't 1,479 anal retentive hardasses are gonna write me tomorrow to inform me I'm too stupid for my own good and they're never visiting the GIA again because of it) but hey. Same difference.

In any case, you forgot a battle system designer! What's this epic thesis on the humanities gonna play like?

The oldest gaming profession, cont....

A dream team of the game industry's various talents, eh? Hmmm... The musical score would HAVE to be Mitsuda... It would be cool if Yuji Horii and Hironobu Sakaguchi teamed up to supervise.. And what if Akira Toriyama volunteered to do the artwork... This is starting to sound a bit familiar. Help me out here, would you? - Panadero, not really known for his subtlety http://csd.varlew.net

CT whore are, in many ways, more vehement in their loyalties than FF whores.

Crap. Will DA never be free of Square's tyrannical monopoly on all that is sweet and good in the world?!

That guy - that guy on TV

Erin - I'm about to prove that while I may know games, I NEVER bothered to memorize the names of anyone associated with them. Except Miyamoto, but come on, he's the man. So the following letter will be in the vein of "The guy from this", so that I, and the non-obsessed reading might for once understand what the hell someone is talking about, cuz half the time, I don't... Anyway, I would write the plot. I'm a pretty good writer, though my typing sucks, and I've had an idea floating around in my head for a while hat would be hard to pull off as a game, but if done would be amazing. ,p> The guy who did the anime from Lunar would be in charge of turning my characters into people. The soundtrack would be composed with offerings from Mitsuda (I THINK that's the Chrono Chross guy) with a few vocal tracks by Enya. I would also have to stick an Apoptygma Berzerk song in there as well... Anyway, the direction would be done by the FFX guy, and it would be produced by the Chrono Chross guy. For those who don't know, directors capture the scene and feel, while producers are the ones who hire all the grunts. Whoever produced Chrono Chross, while I didn't like the game, assembled the best grunt team of CGI guys...they captured the anime feel of the characters perfectly, which, seeing as they are designed by an anime artist... I would have the Xenogears guys do my battle system, but with some help from the CC people. I'd get FF8's team to conceptualize my world. And last but not least, the guys at Sega who did the localization for Phantasy Star 4 would handle this one. They captured the characters, used risque humor without being juvenille, and made a memorable gaming experience one I will never forget... Peace, Ray Stryker...you would figure that my Lunar obsession would lead to more of those guys doing my stuff...

Okay, so....

Scenario writing/script: Ray Stryker
Art Direction: Toshiyuki Kubooka
Music: Yasunori Mitsuda with a little help from Enya and bonus track from Apoptygma Berzerk
Producer: Hiromichi Tanaka
Director: Yoshinori Kitase
Battle System Design: Whoops.... Looks like Tanaka again. The dude's just cool.

With some generous help from "the FF8 team" and the "guys at Sega" who handled their old localizations... and you've got a shimmy with a shingle and ... ah ... something else I dunno how to say in Dinerese...

You gotta wonder how willing these guys would be to work with a scenario writer who can't be bothered to remember their names.

90% Square free, guaranteed

Just read your call for a Dream Team list of game creators and felt compelled to respond: Director/Producer-type: Warren Spector. I can't gush enough about my respect for this man and the way he pushes the envelope every time. He has this wonderful idea that games can be about more than killing digital monsters...in fact, good games can come from avoiding confrontation (i.e. Thief, System Shock 2). And the fact that he was focused enough to keep his team on-track (and produced the fantastic Deus Ex) while working for Ion Storm should tell you something about his managerial skills. Technical/Engine/Coding: John Carmack. I'm fully realizing here that a lot of people hate his games. I'm not a huge fan of them myself. But can anyone out there really question that this man can code like no one else? With a strong presence as producer (like Spector would be), it'd be interesting to see Carmack involved in a game where the technology isn't the whole experience, it's just a magnificent part of a complete package. Scenarios/levels/design: Shigeru Miyamoto. Is there any more proven developer in the industry? Everything he touches turns to gold. Talk to someone who knows nothing about videogames and they've probably at least heard of Mario, if not played it. The reason he takes this spot on my list is the Zelda series. I don't think I've ever played any part of a Zelda game and said to myself "Now this just isn't fun." Any platform that he's touched, regardless of graphic prowess, has yielded a game which has interesting ideas, scenarios, goals, levels, and quests. Just for the heck of it: Hideo Kojima. I'm a sucker for all things Metal Gear. I played the original for Nintendo as long as I've played any game (maybe with the exception of the first Final Fantasy). I'm not sure what he'd do, but he'd add value. The small details and interactivity with the worlds he creates is stunning. Music/Sound: This is probably the area where I have the least number of ideas regarding potential participants. Maybe it's just because I'm playing it now, but the music from Final Fantasy X is spectacular and would get Nobue Uematsu the nod. I've been playing games since the Atari 2600 and a musician since I started playing piano at age 5, and this is the first soundtrack from a game I purchased. There's been great music before Final Fantasy X, but the emotional impact has never been higher. So that's my list. A lot of big names in the game industry, but I guess the reason that they're the "big names" is that they've been so successful. I'd be most nervous about including Carmack since his games tend to skimp gameplay for graphical prowess, but you can't argue that the man can code an engine. He has talent...it'd be interesting to see him try something other than "run fast, shoot good, blow shit up". nothingman

This is not only a pretty well thought-out group backed up with some decent points, but it brings a much needed non-Square team into the fray - not to mention it's refreshing to see some American names.

Again, though, I can't begin to speculate as to what kind of experience such a ragtag bunch of talent would loose on the world. Sounds like it'd entail a whole lotta skulking, shooting and puzzling.

I'd play it - so would Walter.

New & Improved - 100% Square free!

Hm, it's a bit difficult thinking up industry talent that would work well together, but I think if Hideo Kojima and Warren Specter (of Deus Ex, Thief, etc. fame) could work together, that'd be fantastic. There are at least of few of us out there who recognize the fact that Metal Gear Solid and Deus Ex are in many ways the same game, with each tailored for its specific platform. To them I would add DMA, those guys behind Grand Theft Auto 3, because they've proven themselves to be the best at creating a living, breathing virtual world. I would tack on Shigeryu Miyamoto, not as a designer since I think most of his games are pointless, but as the producer, since his games are nothing if not polished. Yuzo Koshiro for a rockin' techno soundtrack. Then I'd give 'em all five years or so, telling them to plan a game for a NEXT generation console (PS3, XBox 2...) with Blade Runner as their inspiration. --Walter

Well hey. A skulking, shooting, puzzling non-linear adventure set in a living, breathing urban cityscape wrought in cyberpunk grit.

Hand those boys a director's cut edition Blade Runner for their study group and have them exchange phone numbers. I eagerly await their final project.

Closing Comments:

Working Designs and Atlus have both hinted around at having a few surprises slated for the coming year, with Vic Ireland promising that "the next three games [WD's] announcing will blow people's minds" and Atlus mentioning "a couple of exciting announcements." Care to speculate as to what we're going to being seeing in the near future from these two? Or, at the very least, subject your hopes & dreams for them to public scrutiny & probable shattering?

-Erin Mehlos