Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Goddammit! I forgot to hang my stocking! Don't say we didn't warn you.

Today's intro is going to be uncharacteristically long, especially for me. I'm feeling quite the vomitous mass this evening. So it's your prerogative - either humour a senile old cow, or scroll on down.

Since (predictably) no one mentioned it, I thought I'd start off today making my case for one of the games that leapt to mind when I gave this topic some mental bandwidth: Desert Falcon for the Atari 2600: a Zaxxon rip-off that made use of hieroglyphic phrases to power-up (or sometimes cripple) your falcon avatar. Collect 3 symbols and you were rewarded with quick-shot or faster flight (or stationary flight, or no flight at all, if you were stupid or unlucky or both), depending on the symbols and their sequence. The whole object was to fly around collecting treasure until you came to the Sphinx, whose face you had to shoot out before progressing to the next level.

Looking at screenshots 14 years after actually having played this game, my mouth kind of sagged into this epic gape of astonishment - at the yawning disparity between my childhood recollections of this game and the laughable reality that is Desert Falcon. Even the artwork on the cartridge label falls short of its remembered splendor. Now, I could make myself out to be less of an ass and point out that DF was also released to the Atari 7800 with notably better graphics, but of course that's hardly relevent since I was a poor kid and never so much as breathed on an Atari 7800.

Getting to my point....

The Desert Falcon experience I've spent the past decade and a half romanticizing the crap out of in my head would, honest-to-God! make a decent present-day game. Scrap the linear scrolling, and make it something of a well-stirred suspension combining aspects of Zelda: OoT, Banjo Kazooie and Starfox 64.

Are you with me? Can you see it? Can you smell it? Exploring cavernous pyramids inside and out with your raptorial powers of flight, alighting occasionally to pick up the necessary scribble to complete your hieroglyph phrase?

No?!

Bah. You people.

Don't mess with the man with the way-back machine...

...I can make it so that you were never born. All News Radio quotes aside, I have three words to say to you Erin. River. City. Ransom. While it could just be the rosy-colored glasses of nostalgia speaking here, that was a bad-ass game. Ah for the joys of beating up the Frat Boys and the Squids for cash, the fun of playing short-range baseball with a rock and a stick, the agony beaning your partner with a miss-thrown brass knuckle after buying one too many Isis Scrolls, and the amusement that comes from watching your super-deformed avatar eat serving after serving of pepper beef (plate and all) all in the name of leveling up. God that game always made me hungry. Course, a remake could ruin all of these happy memories, what with the possibilities of crappy control schemes, low polycount character renders rather than charming little 2d sprites, 3d platform style jumps with bad camera angles and whatnot, perhaps this one is best left alone. Bryce Rollins

I got quite a few letters nominating River City Ransom.

But I have to say... I have a really difficult time visualizing RCR for the 21st century. What little I can strain to piece together in my head looks a lot like the Bouncer, only with two nigh-identical attempts at macho-looking playable characters taking the place of Nomura's visually interesting trio.

Do you really think Alex and Ryan, with their palette-swapped pants and Ts, could make it among the menagerie of freaks starring in today's games?

As far as an Earthbound/Mother game....

The end of the innocence

Earthbound.... I shed a tear thinking about what might have been. Oh well, maybe there will be a NINTENDO GAMECUBE incarnation. (I laugh every time I see that in all caps. Hehe.) Ness has appeared in the last two Smash Brothers games, so it's apparent that he hasn't been forgotten. The graphics could look like a 16-bit game, like the SNES version resembled a colorful 8-bit game and the NES one looked like it was programed using four shades of one color. That'd be AWEsome, baby. I think I'd practically buy a GCN just for that (and Metroid, of course.) El Cactuar

Beyond Zelda, the lingering promise of that damned DD Earthbound was the only thing driving my desire for an N64 when the console made its debut.

How naive I was, eh?

Continuing the series in its traditional, deceptively shitty graphic style on the GCN, and buying the console exclusively because of it? Hooyeah. I'm down wit' that.

Shortcut to MushROMs

Ooh, where to start? For one, I'd greatly appreciate it if Namco would bring their already-ported version of Tales of Phantasia to American shores... we're really missing out on a great game... O_o Now there's a company that knows how to remake. The entire game was basically redone from scratch! Er, back to reality, such as it is. One thing I'd love to see on any system is the Phantasy Star series. Not having bought a Genesis, I really missed out on these supposedly excellent games, but all my online friends who are even more insane RPG maniacs than I am keep talking about them. A new release would at least make them more palatable to me, methinks. Ditto for the Shining In The Blank series; redo it with the FF Tactics engine, dudes! And I most certainly agree with whoever it was that suggested the Heaven and Earth series (Soul Blazer, Illusion of Gaia, Terranigma) for a remake. The entire series is built on epic themes. While the SNES-era music and graphics were decent, the entire epicity (no, that's not a word, but I don't care) of the game could be brought out so much better with greater resources. Plus the added bonus of being able to play Terranigma outside of Europe, no? Er, except for us evil ROM users, of course... *runs away* --Cidolfas FFCompendium.com / RPGClassics.com

*throws a rock* And STAY away from my mushrooms, ye damn ROM-downloadin' filth!

Pure as driven snow that I am, I've never played Terranigma. But I have played SB and IoG during those long lay-overs between Zeldas.

SB is a damn solid game, mixing tried-and-true with innovative in just the right amounts. Freeing townsfolk, tulips, and Queens that look like this and sit like this and look so mean was always rewarding. I can't say I'm nearly so fond of its quasi-sequel.

As for PS....

Get your ass in gear, Reiko

No two ways about it. Phantasy Star II. Quite possibly the best game ever. At the time of its release, it was MILES above the "Six warriors holding an ORB" crowd. Long, complex, and surprisingly powerful - I mean, without revealing anything, talk about poignancy. Nei may well be the most memorable character an RPG has ever seen. That game made it clear why PS fanatics deify the series so - only six years later could Square make something to even rival its story. Now imagine Phantasy Star II with FMVs, on discs, with Nei in full CG regalia, with faster character movement and with the level-building idiocy toned down just a bit. It'd be great. Although honestly, I'd prefer Reiko Kodama get her arse to work on Phantasy Star V - the woman has to have one more masterpiece in her. ===== __________ Sephiroth Katana RPG Classics (http://www.rpgclassics.com)

Um... Yeah, Reiko. You can't be so constipated that you can't give us just one more!

40,000 blown-up bits of beautifully rendered duck

Behold this twitching, blood-soaked carcass of a french poodle as I give my offering for the Agent... Ahem. Game to do a remake of? 2 words. Duck Hunt Think about it. Being able to render those beautiful mallards with 40,000 polygons, and then gleefully blowing them to pieces, all the while having a dog rendered in millions of colors to pick them up. Along those lines, maybe any of the games that used the old light gun would be good. Hogan's Alley, Operation Wolf. Oh JOY! J.C. --War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Given that it shared a cart with Super Mario Bros. and came bundled with the Zapper and the NES, I think most of us gave up a goodly amount of our lives playing Duck Hunt.

My question would be whether that dog, in all his million-colored glory, would still be the cartoonish mutt laughing at your every miss, or a hyper-realistic golden retriever with meticulously texture-mapped fur? That is, are we talking another Duck Hunt, here; a simple, fun and flippant little time-waster where you blast caricaturish ducks out of the sky with a light gun? Or are we talking Duck Season 2K2, a frustratingly intricate and realistic hunting sim in the general vein of modern-day bass fishing games?

I'd personally go for the former but not the latter - not that I can't immediately think of half a dozen Dairyland sasquatches who would.

Thanks for the offering, BTW. If someone could just fill me in as to whether it's red wine or white with gore-sopping poodle, I'd really appreciate it.

Wingboots and chain smoking

Salve, Erin. First, I apologize about my error in cartridge sizes. I forgot that carts were still measured in bits, not bytes. I feel bad that you suffered for the sins of such a petty individual as myself, and I pledge to try to not make such boo-boos in the future. Heaven knows that you probably get enough harassment without MY mistakes adding to it. Now that I have prostrated before the Divine Erin, Mistress of Pointy Things, I present my choice for Game Worthy Of A Remake: Faxanadu. For those of you that never played it, it was an adventure game that came out for the NES. It actually had some fun gameplay and interesting elements, such as ranks instead of levels (Instead of just being Level 10, you could be a Champion), and a plot that had SOME originality (save the tree!) The gameplay wasn't too bad, though the control could have been a bit tighter. But I do remember spending hours playing that game - what other game gave you wingboots and a chainsmoking key merchant? And in what other games could you hoodwink the king into giving you more and more money? (I loved turning His Highness at the start into Ye Olde Piggy Bank.) So, I submit Faxanadu as a game worthy of being remade for modern gamers. Sincerely AngelKnight, who forgets that MB != Mb...

Don't sweat the megabits thing, my man. The Mistress of Pointy Things is herself hardly a stranger to mortifying mistake.

Ah, Faxanadu! This game also crossed my mind when proposing this topic.

If memory serves, you played as an Elf, whose World Tree home was being attacked by Dwarves. Blue, winged, tall dwarves, no less. How's that for breaking the mold.

I remember the gameplay being something like a stone-aged Super Metroid or C:SotN.

I also remember jumping being impossibly difficult.

A remake would be fantastic, provided it remained true to to Faxanadu's 2D sidescroller roots or, possibly, borrowed from Zeldas OoT and MM. I'd buy it.

The New! RONCO Electric Dice-O-Matic ATB

Dear Agent: It came to me as I was reading the end of yesterday's column, and your request for today's. I didn't even really have to think about it, I knew immediately what game I would love more then anything to see a decent remake of. Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom!! Just think how much fun this game would be with a complete overhaul. Journeying as a heroic Sir Cucumber. Saving the radiant Princess Tomato. Slaying the horrible Bananda, and vanquishing the vile Minister Pumpkin. Think of what could be done with the Dice-O-Matic battles!! Corlanthis, who's gonna have to hunt this game down again in one form or another.

Wow. A lot of people mentioned this one.

Another game I've never played - something I largely contribute to the turn-off factor of its packaging, which I can still remember in startling detail.

Note to Hudson Soft: if you ever get around to ressurecting this one, I think you'll find that less pink will give it remarkably broader appeal.

To see the shock in King Lorik's face as his beloved daughter is rendered in much the same fashion as BtB's secret cinema...

I'd like to see Dragon Warrior 1 remade. That would be awesome. To see a cinematic representation of the hero stepping into a damp dark cave with only a torch or a Radiant spell for light, and stumbling across a ferocious dragon. To see the look of surprise on his face when he unlocks that door and finds Princess Gwaelin, who embraces him as he escorts her back to the palace. To see the shock in ol' King Lorik's face as this hero brings the princess back and she takes her place on the throne. To see this hero collect all the Erdrick items, or form the Rainbow drop, or face off with the Dragonlord, or any of those other magic moments, all in cinematic FMV juicyness. And to make it better still, totally redo the battle animations as well, so we see the slime bounce up, and the hero draw his sword as the totally 3D battle begins. That would rock so much. Btw, what's up with dissing the anime scenes in Chrono Trigger? I thought they rocked. Chrono Trigger was perfect from beginning to end, and those anime scenes were the visual representation of that perfection. Not like that piece of trash Lunar: SSSC, which I'm sorry to say I wasted my money on. They could learn a thing or two from Square, and Lunar's character designer could learn a thing or two from Akira Toriyama. I long for the day we get a Final Fantasy game with character designs by Akira Toriyama. Until then I guess I'll have to settle for Tetsuya Nomura, who's pretty damn good himself (and who I like much better that Amano, thank you very much). Sincerely, Robert Silvers

I'm assuming that when you say "cinematic representation," you're not talking about "cinematic FMV" of the quality found in DWVII's [thankfully] scattered cinemas.

Because.... damn.

And like I said, I haven't really played much of the FFC CT, so my comments yesterday were based purely on hearsay, and even then I wasn't griping about Toriyama's character designs: just addressing issues quite a few people have mentioned having with the animations' visual continuity.

More-likely-than-we'd-like-to-admit chances

If I could choose one franchise to completely revamp for the current era of games, I have no doubt that it would be Ninja Gaiden. Imagine, if you will, the sheer wonder of FMV cutscenes, pulled off with as much niftiness as in the original series. I know that it was ported, with little fanfare, and less upgrades, to the SNES, but I'd like to see a complete overhaul, with lengthy 3D levels, in reality keeping only those wonderful cutscenes that allowed the player to watch the story unfold. Of course, there's always the more-likely-than-I'd-like-to-admit chance that it could end up like the N64 Castlevania games. *whimpers* saganaki, who realizes that 3D can't capture the magic of glorious side-scollers past.

There you have it: the sad truth of the matter. Most of the games we remember so fondly simply wouldn't translate well into 3D versions, and the industry's big dogs seem less and less keen on 2D with every passing year.

Lost in the depths of the Pit

Erin, I think practically any pre-SNES game I own (plus a few SNES ones, LoZ: Link to the Past and Super Metroid come to mind) is worthy of an update. I mean, my NES gets more play than any of my other consoles, including my PS2, which is two consoles in one. If those games had cleaned up sound and graphics to boot, I believe it would rock the proverbial casbah. Two specifically come to mind, though. Actually, scratch that. Only one really comes to mind. I want to see Kid Icarus. What happened to our old pal Pit? I remember the days when he was living the high life, with that sweet deal on the Captain N show. He had all the girls, was even able to pull a few strings and get his old pal Eggplant Wizard a gig. Now, when random Nintendo franchises, including some that never made it over to the States, are being revived for sequel upon sequel or to be used in Smash Bros., our little winged pal has been left out in the cold. I want to see him revived, beginning with a remake of the NES game. A little throwback to the days when he was on top. The other game I was going to write about was Mike Tyson's Punch Out! I was beginning to write a little blurb about it when I started saying things like "Well, leave the cheesy graphics alone. They're half the fun" and "Also, don't touch Soda Popinski's laugh, that is the most chilling video game sound ever," and I realized something. I don't want it remade. A port, yes, that would be heaven. But some games are better left the way they are, "enhanced" graphics and sound would only ruin them. Punch Out is one of those. I don't even want the part where Doc says "Join the Nintendo Fun Club today!" changed. So I think I'm going to have to amend my opening statement. I want video game companies to PORT every NES game ever made to one system or another. Hell, if they all worked together, we could probably fit the entire system's library on one, maybe 2 PS2 discs (yeah, yeah, I know it will never happen, but wishful thinking). But there are only a select few that I want modified in any way other than the platform they are played on, and Kid Icarus tops that list. -Biff Slamkovich

Christ on toast - you're right, man! Beyond a visit to the GB in KI: Of Myths and Monsters, Pit's by and large gone missing.

Know what I think? To hell with Desert Falcon. A full-roaming 3D adventure for our cherubic pal where he could fly at will and not just... fall off a vertically-scrolling screen.... now that'd be something.

Closing Comments:

I had a really hard time paring down today's slew of e-mails down to this somewhat negligible little pile... It's always hard with a topic like this where everybody says something completely different to arbitrarily go "You, you, you and ... uh... you. I like your hat."

I really am feeling quite sick, now, so your assignment's going to be simple: FFX is almost upon us, and by now everyone's had plenty of time to thoroughly sample its English voice acting.

So, you guys are quick on the uptake - I don't think the usual battery of thought-provoking essay-style questions is necessary. You know what I want. Give it to me, guys.

-Erin Mehlos