Shining Declaration of Approval -
October 10, 2001 - Brooke Bolander
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed
within this column are those of the participants and the
moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the
GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive
material afoot. They don't have seventy dollars and a thirst for hot young asian men! Don't say we didn't warn you.
All I have to say about the "Seal of Quality" is that Nintendo must have a very different idea of 'quality' than Your Humble Narrator. Nintendo has supposedly rejected a few products, but if there are games that can top this and this at making that seal look horribly, laughable stupid, I would love to see 'em.
I'm not even going to mention Superman 64.
| "On a bed of money, with many beautiful ladies." |
| It was never about quality, per se. Oh, they wanted you to think that,
but the seal had as much to do with the game being good as the health
department certificate at your local dive has to do with the food being
tasty. Whereas a seal that was about quality might be earned by people
from Nintendo actually playing the game and deciding whether it was good
or crap, it seems from reports, both current at the time and in
retrospect that the review process consisted of:
Nintendo Rep: "Does it have sex?"
Developer Rep: "Nope."
Nintendo Rep: "Does it have explicit violence?"
Developer Rep: "Lots of guns and punching, but no blood-splatters."
Nintendo Rep: "That's fine. Do you have our fat sacks of cash-money?"
Developer Rep: "Yup. Right here."
Nintendo Rep: "Approved! Have a nice day!"
Frankly, I don't care one way or the other: The ESRB does most of the
first two questions nowadays, and you can be sure that Nintendo will
still demand their fat sacks in order to avoid legal action when a game
is produced for a Nintendo platform. Of course, the barriers to
third-party publishing are now the complex development kits provided
only to approved developers rather than legal action, but the concept is
the same.
--
David Siegel
|
Let's face facts - when it really comes down to it, Big Fat Sacks O' Cash speak a whole lot louder than poor little Artistic Integrity, especially with games. Especially with games. They may eventually become an artform unto themselves (ICO is a good example) but for now it's more about making money, and lots of it. How else can you excuse products like "Billy Joe's Huntin' n' Inbreedin' Funhouse" getting a big shiny quality stamp?
| I should really turn it into a children's book. |
| Dear Brooke,
Your story of the poor, poor little Sega Genesis
almost brought a tear to my eye. But take heart; I
still have every system and every game I've ever
owned, including my crusty old Sega Master System.
It's not that I couldn't use the money from selling
them, I just can't stand the thought of wanted to play
them years down the line and not being able to. And
believe it or not, I still drag the Master System out
and play with it once in a while. Ah, memories.
Teresa
|
I guess these stories have a happy ending sometimes after all. However I'm sad to say yesterday's tale was a true story, a tale repeated soon after with Big Brother Saturn, who begged, screamed, and cried while being carried to the thrift shop. If only I could turn back the clock...
| But does he have Femme-Bots? |
| I fear this may come too late to be considered for putting on the column.
Alas.
Firstly, it's been a while since I've read any column on an RPG site,
and it's nice to see that there's at least humour and maybe even
a little throwback to the hyclon days of Thor now. Bless you and
your magestic humor ability.
Ah, but the Nintendo Seal of Approval! I can remember, as a little kid,
wondering what that thing was for. After all, Nintendo did give us
wonderful games like Karnov and the ever-fantastic Pro Wrestling with
that shiny golden thing on them. Of course, what it amounted
to was probably some weird standard that Nintendo had - I very
vaguely recall the days of Mortal Kombat and the heated debate
about blood in games, which the magical Seal Of Approval protected
the innocent childlike Nintendo owners from.
What this boils down to, of course, is that Yamauchi is going to
shed his human skin and devour us all whole after amassing enough
money to build his super death ray. This is probably one of the
steps in his mighty plan for world domination, but I'm still going
to buy a Game Cube. Woe is me.
- Steve T.
|
I wonder just how they make these decisions. I'm not totally sure how it's done, but here's my theory.
I've always imagined a frightened-looking messenger boy bringing Yamauchi the game, fingers all a-shake, teeth all a-chatter. If El Presidente is pleased with the product, he stamps the game and the boy carries it off unscathed, a little more alive for coming face to face with Death Incarnate. If the game fails to pass inspection, however, Yamauchi pulls a big steel lever next to his Throne of Skulls and both messenger and bad game drop through the floor into a crushing machine, where the remains are made into GameCubes.
Well, either that or he dislocates his jaw and swallows them whole like a snake. These are just theories, mind you.
| Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, and the Nintendo Seal of Approval. |
| Brooke -
Nintendo dropped that seal of approval thingy that half of the tecmo games
for NES didn't have???
In all honesty, I don't see what it has to do with anything.
On a side note, there is something no one mentioned during the gaming mag
thing that kind of pissed me off, cuz it was the coolest thing EVER.
When Secret of Mana came out, Nintendo did that three part strategy guide.
That was seriously the most amazing thing. The diary entires, descriptions of
everything in the game, and the nifty art made me want that game SO bad.
Ahh, the good ole days, Nintendo and Sqaure were best buddies, and we LIKED
it like that....
Peace,
Ray Stryker
|
Wait, wait wait - you mean there were games they put out that didn't have the Seal? Jesus, I don't ever remember seeing one without it back in my youth. That would have been like...like seeing a Nintendo game with no Seal of Approval. Back in the young, impressionable days of childhood, the seal actually meant something, mainly that I was getting a real game and not a bootleg. Now that I'm older and (hopefully) wiser, I know that it means nothing, but when you're ten you have to have SOMETHING to hold onto.
| Some people can't afford either. |
| I tell you what, this can't be a good thing. Beforehand, no matter what, we
could always shove a game into Nintendo's face and say "Hey, chief, you said
this was a good game! See? Your Seal of Approval?". So it was a fact that
all games were liked by Nintendo. Which means, of course, that they were
all good. A bad game? Never got the Coveted Seal, never became a game.
BUT NOW!
Apparently, the conscious has been lessened in Nintendo. Now, in order to
ease their own guilt, they've removed these Magical Seals, they've no longer
insured quality gaming. Which means that all Nintendo games must be bad.
And yet, I'm still going to buy GameCube, and I don't even know why.
-----------------------------------
The Great BobCFed08 has spoken.
Heed his words.
|
You think Nintendo ever had a conscious? Hee hee, you amuse me, fella. Have a Chicken Cookie.
And man, what is it with you people and your GameCubes? Sure they'll have some kickass games, and sure the system looks adorable, but there are alternatives!! You could always buy an X-Box, right? Right?
...Hey, why are you all laughing? Stop that!!
| Extra points for the Ramones quote. |
| Brooke, our illustrious General in Chief,
I couldn't help but feel the need to respond to a remark you made yesterday.
I know this may be a harsh realization but... your grandkids are going to
want to have nothing to do with your old, beloved games no matter how much
you might want them to. I'm sorry that's just the order of things.
They'll come over to your house and you'll say, "Lemme show you what I did
when I was a kid. See isn't this FUN?!" And they'll roll their eyes and fein
interest so as not to hurt your feelings as you drag out your ancient
hardware. I mean, imagine being a child today and having your grandparent
pass on their favorite jump rope or crusty baseball mit to you and expect
you to enjoy it as much as they did. You try to be gracious about it (unless
you're a bastardly little brat and throw a tantrum) but most likely the joy
won't be there. Kids want what's new and cool, whether there's merit in the
old or not.
- El Cactuar, suggesting that the best way of dealing with a brat may very
well be to beat them with a bat
|
Depends on the kid. Some children are still content to play with jump ropes, while others won't touch anything that doesn't require batteries with a ten-foot barge pole. You're probably right though; we old feebles ones will proudly unveil the PS2, and the kids will stare in disgust and pity at the decrepit old machines. Then they'll poke us in the eyeballs with sticks, take our wallets, and go buy a PS9. Such is life.
Closing Comments:
Whooooo, coverage of the Tokyo Game Show starts tomorrow. Lots of interesting stuff coming out - anything youse guys are particularly going to be watching for? Anyone we should be watching for? Initial thoughts, hopes, and fears should be sent to the usual address.
Personally I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a Chibi-Sephiroth appearance in Kingdom Hearts. He'd be so cute!
- Brooke Bolander, with my face pressed up to the glass.
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