Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I am a roving gambler, how do you do? Don't say we didn't warn you.

Pretty short column again, the reason being I couldn't get into my in-box an hour ago. I like to get this thing up by at least ten central time, so...it was annoying, to say the least.

I'd better finish this before my brain decides it's time to take a nap over my keyboard. 15 hours of sleep a day is just not enough.

Hail Gazuga!

Awww. I'm flattered and more than a little creeped out by that. Thanks!

You've got a point there. As will later be seen, some people trust the guys getting paid for their jobs more than they do us free-agent slobs, but think about that for a moment. They aren't doing it because they enjoy it, it's an obligation. These people have to put food on the table somehow, and when the illegal mushroom trade bottoms out, video game reviews probably sound like a good idea. But I have to wonder if you enjoy it as much when you HAVE to. Playing games for a living sounds fun, but you're not just playing FFX, you are also reviewing the latest Army Man game. Yikes.

But none of us here at the GIA are getting paid for this stuff, so we're not obligated to do jack squat. It's just a fun hobby, and an expensive one at that. Take that as you will.

Now there's a good reason for just reading online sites - some of us poor saps don't have enough cash to buy a Coke, never mind buy a game magazine that costs $7.50. You could always do what I did when I had no money, though - just read them in the supermarket, then put 'em back when you're done. Back when I was a wee lass, I'd stand at the magazine section and read Game Players while my mother shopped for groceries. Sure I got some weird looks when hearty peals of laughter slipped from my lungs in the middle of Kroger's, but it was oh-so worth it.

Nowadays they put the mags in trendy plastic bags, though. Jackasses.

I'd love to know how much they must be paying these guys to review games when they give shite like LOD high scores. Did Sony slip a little cash under the table or what?

I have a theory about reviewers at gaming publications, though. Just hear me out here.

Okay, so Billy the Game Reviewer has only played stuff like Madden '98 and Quake up until this point. Editor Man wants him to review this game, Legend of Dragoon, which looks a little fruity with the magic and crap, but has sweet! FMVs. Billy's gotta do what Editor Man tells him, so he plays it. And the pretty colours, swords, and explosions awe him, awe him so much he slaps a score of 9 on that baby. What did you expect? He doesn't know that it's nothing but a bunch of trite cliches and a tired fighting system - the man has never played an RPG in his life, how is he supposed to know that?

...What I'm trying to say here is that you can't make someone who's only played one genre of game play another kind and expect to get a correct score on it. I wouldn't attempt to play and correctly review a sports game, because I don't know what's good and what's bad in them. See what I mean? That's the problem with gaming magazines, I think. Either your staff had better like all sorts of games, or you should have one reviewer assigned to one type of game, a type they actually know about. The difference in this respect with game websites is that they usually stick to only one or two genres, which is good.

Whew, that was a mouthful.

No hard feelings at all, my good Mystery Man. I found your letter quite 'ammusing' myself, matter of fact, especially the part where you called GamePro a "fine publication." No sweetheart, a fine publication would be National Geographic magazine. GamePro is the worst video game mag on stands, not to mention one of the worst magazines out there, period.

To run a successful gaming webpage you have to be good too, otherwise no one is going to bother to drop in and read it. The reason GamePro and EGM have been around for over ten years is the same reason Friends is still on the air - some people will read/watch/buy anything. You are a prime example of this phenomenon.

Oh, and next time remember to put spaces in-between your sentences, would you? I don't care 'wheather' or not you read my column, but if you're gonna write in, put a little more effort into making your letter readable, okay? Thanks.

That really doesn't make me raise an eyebrow. I'm a little disappointed that he's not the drunken, unshaven fortysomething with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and an unsteadily-held controller in the other I'd imagined, but a Newman look-alike would have been my second guess. I'll bet Bill could kick his ass, easily.

Very, very true. When you're away from an internet connection - be it in the car, on a plane, or, yes, sitting on the john - sometimes a gaming magazine becomes very, very desirable. Gotta kill time somehow. A word to the wise, though - don't read 'em in the bathtub. It only brings sorrow.

Notch up another point for magazines - there's just something really nice about coming home with a new issue and curling up in bed to peruse the sucker from front to back. Plus they smell nice. Mmmm...printy fresh.

It's the same reason the Internet will never wipe out books - there's just something a bit more personal about them at times. Some people like having something more real to look at, if you get what I'm saying. No server crash or virus will ever take my back copies of Game Players away from me, and that is something to be thankful for.

Plus some of them have pull-out posters! Bitchin!!

Ahhh Sifl and Olly, the only show other than Daria I've ever enjoyed on MTV. Of course, both of them have been cancelled to make more room for TRL Midnight, but we'll always have the memories.

For those of you not 'in the know,' S&O was a weird puppet show that MTV used to play late at night in 1997 or '98. It had the basic attention span of Space Ghost, and...well, you just really had to see it. So when I say "Crescent Fresh" I'm just quoting a deranged sock puppet. Fair enough? I know you wouldn't expect any less from me.

Oh, and you can sneak into the Valuan Slums with that drop-below trick in Skies of Arcadia. And the people say different stuff! Yay!

Closing Comments:

Okay, okay, so I'll shut up about gaming mags. It's passed through my system like the Ebola virus, ravaging everything it touched, and I'm sure you guys are ready to move on. Right? Right.

I was thinking...why the hell aren't there more gay people in games? Or anything other than waiflike caucasians, for that matter? Is there any reason for this? I'd like to see some more diversity, personally. Do you think we ever will? Or will it be straight white boys with spiky yellow hair from here on out? Blaaaand. How would you like to see game developers diversify? Answer my damn questions, alright? I'm running out of question marks.

- Brooke Bolander, who would like to see a game with a Native American female as the lead.