Double Agent
The Yellow Pages - October 3, 2001 - Brooke Bolander

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Half of what I say is meaningless. Don't say we didn't warn you.

First off, I just wanna thank you all for being so nice about there being no column yesterday. I got a bunch of 'feel better soon' e-mails, and I just wanted say thank you guys for sending 'em. Everyone's okay and unharmed, so I'm a lot luckier than many a person underground in a box right now.

This might be rather short, since I was a fool and there is little you poor souls could say about gaming mags, but I'll make it as interesting as possible, I promise.

I wish it was already December. I also wish Warner Brothers would stop whoring our Bugs and company; if I see them selling cell phones one more time...

Save us from ourselves, Gazuga!

What would the offspring look like? Ewwww...
You were raised by a SNES and a Saturn? Bit of an age difference there, don't you think? Eww... I can just see this dirty old SNES stalking the aisles of ToysRUs looking for some jailbait next-gen system to knock up. "hey there little girl... got some candy for ya..."

But anyway! I think I was raised by an NES and a Mac Plus, so if anyone calls my Saturn old, I may cry! (Holds Saturn's limp corpse) She's not dead, she's not! She's just sleeping... she'll get up and play with me in a minute, just like before!!

But anyway! I would have to say my favorite magazine WAS Gamefan. Honestly, when I look around me and see no Gamefan fans, I honestly wonder what the hell anyone else is reading? I would like to go back and hunt down some UGP, because I have never read that mag. I don't think they distributed my my town, or something. I loved Gamefan because they cared. They were insane! These guys started playing games back in the '80s, when there was no Playstation, or Tomb Raider. They knew where the industry came from, and had news contacts that could let them know where it was going. They didn't suck up to companies, either. If a game was good they would vault it to the heavens, and if it sucked, God help it, because they would tear into it like a pack of hyenas at a lame wildebeast. I mean, stuff would fly everywhere!

They also had the prettiest mag, in my opinion. They had original covers, production art from the game designers, and some pretty talented reader art, too. They also had the highest quality screenshots I have ever seen. They made up their own gaming jargon (sausage? chicken?), their editors were amazing writers, and some of the page layouts bordered on pure art. They always printed on stiff, high quality paper, and used tons of color. Their letters section was funny as all hell, they had tons of industry and import news and some nifty ads, too. I know the mag got a lot of crap for supporting the Japanese gaming scene, and dissing a lot of American companies (they didn't like Working Designs too much... but then... neither do I). They also this slightly belligerent "Hardcore" attitude which can put you off. I think they actually put "The best gaming magazine in the world" on their cover, once... Not too wise...

But its so fun! I was happy to pay almost six bucks a month for that mag! I never did get a subscription, but I wound up buying it every month, anyway. Such happy memories... Even though GameGo! and Gamers Republic are dead as my dear Saturn, its okay. I will chant at my shrine to the best gaming mag in history and sacarifice goats until Dave Halverson rises once more!

TokyoNeon

Creepier pairing - a Game Cube and an old Sega Master System. Think about it. That's like Christina Ricci dating Charlton Heston...ew.

GameFan did have nice covers, but I could never get into it when I'd pick a copy up. I demand a hefty dose of bitter, sarcastic humour in anything I'm browsing, and either I didn't look hard enough or it wasn't delivering. Takes more than a pretty face to win me over, baby.

"Am I un-bear-able?
Hello, Brooke!

Well, I reside in Russia and there's a whole bunch of domestic game mags here (including a very unique one called "The Great Dragon" - I'm absolutely serious here). Three or four publications cover all those crap PC games, one is multiplatform (both PC and consoles), and there's that uber-kawaii serpent mag and an obligatory Official PlayStation Russia (which for the most part sucks). Just wanted this column's readers to know that there's is a large gaming scene present over here, not just some bears walking down the streets drinking vodka, as most Westerners tend to think. (^_^)

Ha, then I guess you were asking about English-language mags, though... You see, my old-time favorite was EGM, but some time ago I discovered that it is... to say the least - very unoriginal. In other words, it's a complete rip off Weekly Famitsu (from layouts, style and presentation, to all this Review Crew thing - in Famitsu it's called Cross Review and is done in exactly the same way). That's not a bad thing, but I had the same feeling when, for example, you learn that your favorite movie is in fact a remake of a much better film from some time ago.

That sort of thing... So for me EGM is still the best videogame mag in the world... or at least it's right after Famitsu and The Great Dragon. (^_^) Another thing I wanted to mention is game piracy. Here in Mother Russia its HUUUUGE. There are virtually no Tonberi plushes spotted here, but instead you can buy any given PSX game for roughly $2,5. No kidding, two and a half bucks. From a certain perspective it's a gamer's heaven... Maybe it would make a good topic if you asked people to write in their opinions towards such issues as game piracy, bying illegal copies, etc? Then, again, maybe it's not that much of a problem in US... Valery - and that's a male name over here! (^_^)

Whoa, Russian gaming mags? Awesome. I'd like to see that...of course, I wouldn't be able to read squat in it, not being fluent in Russian, but it'd still be a nifty thing to look at. Then again, I think seeing a bear drinking vodka stumbling down the road would be pretty cool too, so. And don't feel too bad about the stereotyping; most of the rest of the world think all Americans are fat, money-grubbing hickslobs. Me? I have no opinion of my own...my own...my own...America Is Great. There is no better country...No better country.

...Whew. That was odd.

So why the hell is GamePro still around while Game Players died years ago?
Oh, come on, this one is too easy!

Game Players and Ultra Game Players were simply the greatest gaming mags that ever existed. The excellent reviews, the hilarious letters section, the sheer PERSONALITY...they were great.

I can't think of any other gaming magazine that compares, then or now: GamePro is childish, filled with pseudonymous writers (and they gave Shining Force 2 for the Genesis a horrible rating; you could tell "Scary Larry" had only played the first few minutes of the game), while EGM still lacks the charisma that made GP and UGP so damn cool.

GameFan, while it was around, had glossy paper and pretty pictures, but they tended to give their highest ratings to obscure Japanese games that were never released in the U.S.

Nowadays, PSM and Next Gen are probably the best, and ODCM was cool, while it lasted.

--Blake Nelson

I think that was the big reason I liked Game Players so much - it had personality. You could actually tell the people apart - Bill was the insane short chunky dude, Mike was the pretty-boy sports reviewer, Fran was the only female (hi Fran!) and Roger...well, Roger was Roger, what can I say.

Plus they had the best letters on Earth. I dunno if all magazines get that kind of mail and don't print it or what, but I can only wish I got stuff that completely insane. Of course, if I did and I printed them, people would bitch about me not being serious enough, but it'd be worth it, oh yes. Screw the squeaky wheels, I wanna get a cult following!

Oh, and the worst magazine in the opinion of everyone? Game Pro. Scary Larry especially - that guy is like the Carrot Top of gaming reviewers. Everyone hates his guts. Unfunny, untalented, and with a stupid nickname, no less. Whenever I mentally picture this guy, I think of a guy in his forties with a week's worth of stubble and half a pint of Jack Daniels, staring with grim and bloodshot eyes at a copy of FFVI, a hateful sneer plastered on his cracked lips. Why FFVI? I have no idea.

In fact, I got so many letters bitching about ol' SL that I decided he deserved the Fugghead Award far more than any of my readers. So here goes.

I've been waiting seven or eight years to give you this award, Larry. Bottom's up!

Rhyme Of The Ancient Game Player.
Hello,

My all time favorite gaming magazine was Gamefan. I'm not sure if you know this one or not (I suspect you do). I liked this magazine because mainly for its satire and good reviews, similar to the gia.

This magazine did not praise every game made and actually gave bad reviews. Of course gamefan did use the wacky faces for reviews, but they did it long before game--this is best game ever--pro. Gamefan was not the best out there, i'm sure, but I liked it. However, they are now non-existant and without a word to their subscribers, of which I was one.

Also, I too had never heard of Ultra Game Players magazine until you talked about it. Is it still published? And is it one of the UK mags?

Bryan Creech

I see dead tonberry's

Game Players/Ultra Game Players....oh boy, I could go on all day about it. Published between the late eighties and 1998, it was THE funniest magazine in North America. Or at least it was in my opinion. My two favorite shows ever are Space Ghost : CTC and MST3K though, so that should tell you a little about my sense of humour.

It wasn't a UK mag, no. I didn't see that many gaming publications on the news stands over there, as a matter of fact. The ones I did spy didn't look too hot, though, plus they were wrapped in plastic - stingy bastards. Ahh well. It stopped being published in about 1998, so any of you interested are SOL.

And if you see dead tonberries and are the cause of said dead tonberries, I can promise you you'll be seeing your own spleen in a few moments, buster.

The Good...
Ms. Bolander,

Long ago (in the late 80’s), in a land beyond the great deserts, mountains, and rivers, there lived a young Nintendo-whore whom fate named Eric. Eric wasn’t much of a spry lad, and took to his NES as his primary source of entertainment. It gave him all he needed – pleasure and pain; triumph and frustration; victory and loss.

It came to Eric’s attention that, somewhere in the land, there existed an arcane periodical devoted to Nintendo games. With a fierce determination that could only be matched by the video game heroes he so adored, Eric set off to retrieve this sacred magazine.

Now I could tell a yarn of how Eric was forced to traverse thousands of miles, across fiery pits and deadly swamps, only to find the mystical tome guarded by a holy dragon that he must slay, but that wasn’t the case. Eric just went to his grandfather and said, in his high-pitched squeal,

“Dammit, get me a subscription to Nintendo Power!”

And lo, it became so.

Nintendo Power became Eric’s secondary source of entertainment, due to its complete strategies, detailed guides, and over-the-top maps. Not to mention Howard and Nester. Even as he aged into the Super NES era, Eric preferred Nintendo Power over his EGM and Gamepro issues, mainly due to the fact that Nintendo Power wasn’t devoting 100+ pages every issue to the newest lame fighting game(that's more in Gamepro's case, though).

Obviously, things change over time, and as Nintendo moved into the 64-bit field, Nintendo Power’s quality went down, for reasons we all know. Eric changed too, and the dark bait of Final Fantasy VII seduced him into purchasing a PlayStation. The rise of the internet also killed Eric’s desire to pay more money for a magazine, when he could just get the same information online.

Even so, the old adage of ‘the more things change, the more they stay the same’ still rings true. After all, I just dropped the letter to renew my subscription to Nintendo Power in the mail last week.

And that, Ms. Bolander, is a tale that ends happily ever after.

- Eric Smith

The two magazines I got the most mail about were Nintendo Power and GameFan. That's the reason today's column is so short; I wasn't expecting everyone to write in about the same two mags over and over. Still, even I read Nintendo Power. Whenever I'd go to my cousin's house it gave me the opportunity to play his systems and go through all his back issues of NP like a ferret through a rabbit warren. Those were the days...*sigh*...

When I got older, though, the fascination wore off. As the next letter recounts, the older you get, the more those childhood ideals you took for granted get shattered to pieces.

The Bad...
Oh, yes, there was I time when I read video game magazines. Magazine, to be more precise. And there was only one, and I saw that it was good, and did doth read it. And it's name was Nintendo Power.

I still remember it, going to the library. Back then the library used to carry Nintendo Power subscriptions. Then one day it just..stopped. I was aghast! I, being the nerd I was then (and, um, still am), wrote a suggestion into the suggestion box. The librarian working at the information center (or whatever they called it) called me up and said they were sorry but the magazine wasn't being checked out that often, so they figured they wouldn't carry it anymore. Actually, this was the first time I realized that I was the only gamer in my city, since I guess I was the only one reading the magazine. I wouldn't even need to check them out, either. I'd just read the newest one in those plastic covers they put them in.

Oh, Nintendo Power. With your tips from "experts", Classied Information, letters section, even CARTOONS! CARTOONS, MAN! Cartoons of Bowser marrying Zelda, and Metroid, and Link, oh my! Was there nothing this magazine could not do! Thou who claimeth the magazine suckethed shall have stons cast unto him, for he is a liar!

But, alas, I grew up...and soon realized that all Nintendo Power was was propoganda. And I had been cleverly tricked by it. Why, only recently have I overcome the falseness in my statements of "Sega sucks." Even when reading the occasional magazine from a friend, it's all just propoganda, with no mention of nothing else other than Nintendo. Of course, one could expect the opposite and same from PSM.

Oh, Nintendo Power. Your cartoons and, um, originality(?) astounded me as a child. Now you have neither.

When I think of how many of my brethren got to their teens and realized that they'd been suckered into buying a glorified ad for most of their childhood, I weep. When I think of the ones who have gotten to their teens and still don't realize this important fact, I cry even harder. Poor things.

I did like the comics, though; those were always cool. The Star Fox one actually made me want to go and play the game, it was so interesting. Wow, an actual backstory! Thanks Nintendo Power!

...And The Ugly.
I love women!

-josh

That's the spirit! What a charming young man! Here, have a Chicken Cookie.

*Okay Tonberry, you can take the knife out of his back now.*

Hahahah!! Choke on your subscription fees, suckers!!
For awhile, it was Electronic Gaming Monthly for me. I had a subscription for about 4-5 years, actually...

Then one day I stumbled on the GIA. The subscription lapsed, and ever since then the only gaming mags I've bought are the occasional PC Gamer, but only for the demo CDs.

- Cecil

Tee-hee. I wonder how many of the flounding gaming mags still around are cursing our names. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that the site I work for may cost some GamePro lackey his job.

Closing Comments:

That was short. There really wasn't much to debate either, something I should have really thought about before I put the call out. Oh well.

The last letter brought up an interesting point, though - are gaming sites driving gaming publications and magazines out of businuss? Which do you prefer, paper or monitor? Sure we're free, and are a lot more informative than the ad-filled pieces of paper for sale nowadays, but some people just like to have something they can hold in their hands. Anybody got an opinion on this?

No more gaming magazine stuff after tomorrow guys, I promise. Just let me get it out of my system.

- Brooke Bolander, Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Tonberry.

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