Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. And behold there shall be a blight upon the earth, and everything I touch shall wither and die. Don't say we didn't warn you.

FF IV's coming out here, which isn't that interesting... but FF IV hard type is coming out here, which is. I'm not sure how much I'm gonna like this new version - sure, it sounds great to have a shiny new translation, but phrases like "spoony bard" are irrevocably tied in with my memories of the game. FF2's watering down may also have worked to its advantage, since it was one of the first games to focus strongly on story by pushing levelling up into the background. They say backlash never plays like the original, but I guess we'll see.

Onward.

The thing about archetypes is that they're supposed to feel refreshing in a story each time through - you've seen the boy become a man a thousand times, but when it happened in Star Wars it was like seeing it for the first time. (Theoretically.) Cloud wasn't much of an archetype, but if you're getting sick of seeing Alex/Justin/Link characters, it might not be because of overuse so much as because it's not being done right often enough.

I dunno that it'd really work to have the villain win - you could have a situation where things more or less ended in a draw or where the hero realized what he was after wasn't really the important thing. A game where the good guy really truly seriously lost after you'd spent 40+ hours of your life trying your best to ensure the opposite would leave me pretty much suicidal, so I don't think it'd be much of a big seller.

If we're going for some degree of seriousness, that's probably why FF8's story works as well as it does. Squall's a flawed human being who overcomes his intrinsic jerkhood to become a decent person. If you're expecting a standard RPG superhero, it's not gonna work too well, and it's possible that you'll merely find the story trite and predictable. But it's also possible that even if you're not an antisocial loner yourself, you might derive a small amount of inspiration from watching someone, anyone, eventually figure out how not to suck so much.

I don't have the figures on this one in front of me, but I suspect she was half right. Actual coffee table books aren't that big a market, but if she was being semi-sarcastic and using coffee table books as a euphemism for "crap", then she's right - crap does dominate nearly every best seller list you can think of. 60% is also probably an exaggeration (and I agree that I didn't much care for her elitist tone) but it's true that a good many Americans, despite being technically literate, don't do all that much with the ability. I'm not just talking about not curling up with the latest Neal Stephenson novel, I'm saying that even at work, reading and writing don't come up that often. This is the post-literate era folks, make no mistake about it.

Strangely enough, Daily Radar's ideal RPGs sound an awful lot like computer RPGs, which is fine, except that console RPGs aren't computer RPGs. I couldn't agree more with them about gameplay, but I have negative desire to build a character from scratch and slot them into whatever premade RPG world the developers have concocted. Let's get something straight here - console RPGs, despite their name, don't have anything to do with real "role playing", and haven't for a long time. They'll continue to be called RPGs because they've got too much momentum behind them to do otherwise, but they're more linear stories with a degree of interactivity than free standing worlds wherein you pretend to be someone you're not. There's nothing wrong with either approach, but the latter clearly has a well-defined position in the console market, and it's pointless for anyone to lambast console RPGs for not being more like computer RPGs.

As far as getting up on their soapbox and talking about the way RPGs should be... well, it's probably presumptuous as hell to put up a plot frame and a laundry list of what traits your game will rip off from other games and expect anyone to care. Still, it's not like I can point any fingers, since one out of every two replies I've ever written contains my opinion, buried or otherwise, about how RPGs should be. Even the site as a whole tends to lean towards a certain direction in gaming - witness how many of us froth at the mouth whenever Vagrant Story is mentioned. On the other hand, we have staffers who are as confused as any of you as to why VS is considered even marginally playable... that kind of back and forth is what makes discussing RPGs interesting. It profits nobody to keep rehashing the same old "console RPGs suck/computer RPGs have no soul" arguments, but if Daily Radar's stuff even helps you figure out what you don't want in an RPG, then it's made a worthwhile contribution.

It's a mistake to confuse RPG cliches with actual archetypes - "journey to the underworld" is an archetype story, "prevent the return of magic" is not, no matter how many times you've played though it. In that sense, RPGs might benefit from simpler stories: a dead serious take on Orpheus traveling to Hades would probably play better than another overwrought story about a band of idiosyncratic heroes as the last hope against ultimate darkness.

Ha ha, very funny. Those of you who have been around for a while may recognize Jemmy as a former frequent contributor to this column whose output in recent months has vanished to near nothing. However, this has less to do with the fact that she stopped writing than because she started pointing out my personal faults in some completely inappropriate language, and started droning on for page after page about how wonderful her new boyfriend is, and how lacking I am in comparison. (Hence the crack about how much she loves me, which is the last bloody straw.)

I'd never have imagined that the intelligent, sensitive, somewhat shy letter writer of a year ago would morph into such a shrew, but there you have it. Much like the character she borrows her pen name from, she looks adorable one moment, and then turns into a ravening monster the next. I know the above letter doesn't really prove any of this, but you'll have to take my word on it - she really is a complete harridan. I hope you've enjoyed your fifteen minutes, lady, because that's the last time you'll see your name in my column, I promise you.

Closing Comments:

Now that that unpleasant business is behind us, we can concentrate on tomorrow's topic: character designs. Forget the actual character, what about how they look? What design styles in general work for you, and what don't? What are some specific examples of why? And are those stupid clothes really necessary? Talk to you tomorrow.

-Chris Jones, had all he's going to take from her