Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Okay, you are not turning me on right now. Don't say we didn't warn you.

A few readers pointed out that in yesterday's closing comments I asked what you'd least like to get as a gift this Holiday season and what you'd least like to get stuck with as a gift. Now, I could tell you that was an effort to be humorously negative on my part, cleverly insinuating that everything sucks and there's nothing you could possibly want this year. I could also tell you that the Queen of England held a gun shaped like a slipper with eyeballs to my head and forced me to write that, because that would be just as true.

No, the unfortunate truth is that I am an idiot. As a result, most people wrote in about what they really don't want, and hence the negativity level of today's column has been cranked up a few notches. A few readers apparently misread, ironically leading them to get the intended meaning out of yesterday's topic, but for the most part expect a lot of bitching today.

And no, I don't know how that makes today different from any other day. I just needed something to talk about in the introduction.

Yeah, I've been hearing nothing but good things about Skies of Arcadia. I'd really appreciate it if all you readers would chip in and get me about 60 or so spare hours for Christmas so I can play it myself. Think about it; if you took the number of people who read this column on a daily basis and divide 60 hours by that number, you'd get some number of minutes I don't feel like calculating. Like, 5 minutes a piece or something. Don't be ungrateful.

Look, pal, it's simple: if you want the gifts, you get the ass. Nobody gets a free ride when I'm farming out the goods.

If you really owe that much money, you sure dug yourself into a hole. I mean, not that I can talk, considering that I'll owe my soul to the student loan people in a couple more years, but still. At any rate, that's pretty much the best gift anybody can give: money. I thought about writing one of those "Gamers' Holiday Gift Guide" things for the GIA like all those other gaming sites have. Then I realized that one page with an image of a hundred dollar bill and the word "cash" in a caption below it wasn't much of a feature, so there went that idea.

P.S. I don't know where people get the idea that I'm being paid for this. I do it out of my deep love for every last one of you. Kiss, kiss.

No. No, you cannot. That would go against Enix's strict policy of releasing products long after nobody cares anymore. I figure after much premeditation and argumentation, DW7 will be released in North America on November 7th, 2004, its release coinciding with Sony's unveiling of the PlayStation 3.

Justin, if you're not making that up, that is the most disturbing game I have ever, in my life, heard of. When you see a really stupid game concept and start joking around about it with friends you say things like, "What next, a game where you're a gay guy and you go around humping other gay guys?" Then you all get a good laugh about it until you're all sitting on the couch stuffing lime-flavored Tostitos down your faces while deathmatching using your one-handed controllers so your greasy fingers don't slip off of the buttons. But now that's been ruined. Now, when we're joking around we're going to have to come up with something really bizarre. We'll have to say, like, "What next, a game where you're in outer space and the sun opens up and tries to eat you? Hahahaha!" And that just sounds retarded.

Normally I would actually look into these bizarro titles you're all telling me about today to see if they're real or not. Unfortunately, I'm a bit pressed for time today, so I'll only assume you're a bunch of liars. I'll assume this because if titles like that exist, even I'm a little worried. I thought Ninja Golf was as bad as it got. At least this kind of stuff isn't being released in America, right...?

...we are so screwed.

Amano's overly-vague art style strikes again. And people wonder why I prefer Tetsuya Nomura. His Odin's head never looked like a frog's crotch.

Okay, see, I didn't post that link. And frankly, how do we know that you're not a Girl Drink Drunk? You may claim otherwise just to look good, but we have no way of knowing that.

Closing Comments:

Okay, the weekend is over, and your good pal Chris will return tomorrow. Write to him about, I dunno, how bizarre games will need to become before you'll be convinced that gaming is no longer for you. Or don't. See what I care, you big meanies.

-Drew-Thru Cosner