Cute has learned to kill - November 23th, 2000 - Nich Maragos
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. And Darkness was all over the Face of the Deep. Don't say we didn't warn you.
It occurred to me this morning that maybe yesterday's topic could have stood to be a little less random, since it's Thanksgiving and all, but why do what everyone's expecting? Full disclosure time: on top of my monitor, I've got a plush Raichu, a foam Servbot, and a stuffed Tonberry all gazing adorably at me. Just thought you should know where I stand on the cuteness issue before we proceed.
| Puff piece *FF IX spoilers* |
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Nich,
Argh, damn it! I spent over an hour writing a beautiful letter about
Everquest, FFXI, servers crashing, the meaning of life, what George and
Al should play to decide the presidancy (TETRA MASTER!), and why grass is
green. But, unfortunately, it wrote it a few hours after the column came
up and now it's gone to that place in the sky where all letter that never
find their target go.
About the cutest animal sidekick... let's start this with two words:
Angelo sucks. I'm a die hard FF fan, but Angelo is just horrible. And
Boko is even worst. But, wait, there's still salvation in FF-land! All
the eight permanent party members in FF9, barring one, are inhuman... but
not really animals. No salvation there. The FF9 Mog (Not the Moogles,
Mog, the Moogle called Mog) is cute, cuddly, and cool as heck- and I'd
pick him - but he's not an animal in the end either!
So I have to go to other games. Or should I say, other RPGs, because I'm
determined to find a cute animal in an RPG! Therefore, Grandia's Puffy
gets my pick as for the blue ribbon of cuddliness.
-Mistweb
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Sorry to hear that your letter was one of those that went missing, so you get the first slot as a condolence. (Though I'm not sure Tetra Master would be a great improvement over the randomness currently holding sway in the Florida courts.)
Beyond that, I must say you have one of the strangest, most restrictive definitions of "animal" I've ever seen. If the principal cast of FF IX doesn't consist of animals, and Mog also falls outside this boundary, what would you call them? Vegetables? Minerals? But if Puffy is what works for you, then so be it.
| Stretching the boundaries *FF IX spoilers* |
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Sidekick? Whassat?
I liked Griever. At first he was a fuzzy kitty cat, and always by
Squall's side. Then he stopped being fuzzy and eliminated my party five
times in a row without remorse. I kicked the PSX. Then there was
Tonberry. The adorable green fishman. The little duck-walk he does was
indescribably amusing. I mean, until he massacred me in FF8 with one more
battle to go before the Tonberry King and I hadn't saved for hours and
hours. Ho, talk about a cute pet trick! I was peeing blood. And there
were the Minku, who make excellent rugby balls if you cut those blasted
ears off.
Hmmm...I guess on reflection I don't have a favorite fuzzy animal
sidekick after all. Aside from Quina Quen, who is kind of cool if I just
ignore him all the time and never, ever put him next to Master VIVI
(synchronized battle dancing! Noo!).
Hey, though, I have a question about FFIX. Minute spoilers, so please
read no further if that bothers you, but I was wondering: Is Black Mage
69 a real, you know, womanizer? And how come Mr. 420 is always up on the
roof of the chocobo hut drying out Gysahl greens and burning incense? I'm
starting to worry about the lads. Getting unique personalities is good
and fine, but what do you recommend for the Black Mage who seems to be
trying the "rebellious" route to individuality?
-LORD ITLAN, kicking the crap out of precious animal sidekicks for the future of America
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These letters are getting more and more disturbing. First, the cast of FF IX is apparently made up entirely of soulless automatons by Mistweb's non-Linnaean classification scheme, and now Quina Quen is under serious consideration as a "fuzzy animal sidekick." Perhaps I should have defined my terms more carefully.
I had the problem of "rebellious" Black Mages with a certain Number 6, who kept trying to get out of the Black Mage Village, insisting that his rights were being violated and he wasn't truly free. It took Mages #2 and #101 to calm him down, but eventually he realized everything was for the best. I hear he's become good friends with Misters 17, 23, and 64.
| The authority has spoken |
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Cute animal sidekicks? There's just so many! But if I had to pick
favorites...
Rabis (aka Rabites): The little bunny creatures from the Seiken Densetsu
series that hop around with no sign of limbs. Sure they're always
enemies (except in Legend of Mana, where you could hatch your own to
fight for you), but how can you resist those big eyes and fluffy
tails...? The Mana Holyland in SD3 is truly a holyland, full of nothing
but various breeds of rabis...
Pikachu: The "electric rat". You will not believe the insane number of
incredibly kawaii pictures and voice samples of Pikachu I've seen and
heard (read The Electric Tale of Pikachu manga and its sequels). To see
Pikachu and not melt, you would have to be a very cold-hearted person...
Jigglypuff: The singing pink balloon Pokemon... How can you not love
those huge eyes, its pretty song (in both English and Japanese), and the
way it gets mad and draws on everyone's face when they sleep during its
song? They need to make that an attack in the next Smash Bros game, darn
it!
Yoshi: Mario green dino buddy. Yes, I adored Yoshi in the Super Mario
World cartoon (particularly the "Mama Luigi" episode). And for me,
Yoshi's Island is the king of platformers. He's kawaiiest when high on
those puff things (psychedelic, man), skiing
(waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!), and in his idle state in Yoshi's
Story. BTW, am I the only person who loved Yoshi's Story's opening?
Chocobo: Kweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!!!!! I'm soooooo glad that Square
USA finally got rid of "Wark"... Boco is my personal favorite Chocobo (I
never did get rid of him in FFT), though I like the Chocobo Racing
version (SD!) and Choco.
Mew: The ultra-mysterious and powerful kitty Pokemon. See Mew play on
the windmill blades in the first Pokemon movie! So
kawaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! And that little laugh... I always feel bad
throwing stuff at Mew in Pokemon Snap... I hope Mew shows up again...
I think I've rambled on enough... ^^;;;
~Staci/Nadia~, lover of the disgustingly kawaii (so wasn't this a perfect topic to write in on? ;) )
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Indeed it is; I was hoping you in particular would weigh in on the matter. Pretty solid choices, too, but I do have one question. What's the deal with Pikachu? I've got nothing against the little guy, it's just that I've never found him the cutest of the bunch. He's not even the cutest of his class--I've always found Raichu vastly more appealing. I suppose I'm just as to whether Pikachu is the star of the show because he's the cutest ... or is he the cutest because he's the star of the show?
| Playing outside the rules |
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Myau & Nall for life, you bastard.
-Z
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I think we can all agree that anyone going around calling people "bastard" has no say in a cuteness debate.
| Eight arms to hold you |
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Nice to see chu Nichu! Seriously though, I know everyone is going to
write in about Chu-Chu..but Chu-Chu sucks compared to..the great Abizboah
from Suikoden 2! He's a giant ocotopus, whats better than that? There
are a lot of weird animal-type characters in Suikoden 2 of course, with
its huge roster of characters, but you gotta love Abizboah, that
oh-so-strong cephalopod.
-Nick Herman
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Yeah. Giant, wrinkled, tentacled beasts are synonymous with "huggable" in my mind, let me tell you. Incidentally, you were wrong on the Chu-Chu count. Absolutely no one except you so much as mentioned the little furball--I suppose Fritz just forgot to write in. Still, pretty surprising when you consider the size of the Xenogears fanbase on the net.
| Line's end |
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Nich you crazy bast,
The best animal sidekick ever is Shadow's dog Interceptor in FFVI... I
just love the way that dog would randomly leap out into battle and tear
it's victim into a bloody pulp! Not only was Interceptor a ferocious
evil-thing eating beast, he was also a very loyal hound to Shadow and
Relm. Yes, good ol' Interceptor, a dog all other dogs should look up to!
-Espezito, king of the suckas
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That's it. No more. I try to do something cute and lighthearted for a change, and this is what I get? Quina Quen, an octopus, and flesh-eating dogs are the kinds of things you sickos consider adorable? Remind me to never ask what our readership considers disgusting.
| Situation normal ... |
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Hi Nich,
I registered with Playonline a few days ago (4-5 I think), and got my
confirmation the next time I checked my mail (around 20 minutes later). It
doesn't say anything about a Vivi doll, though. The body of the email
contains just two lines:
Member ID: savant (my ID)
Password: *********** (no, I'm not stupid enough to write my password there...)
Of course, I live outside the US, so I may not be eligible.
-Vishal
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| ... all fouled up. |
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Nich,
Just wanted to say that when I registered for PlayOnline I got an email
confermation back. The only thing was that I got somebody elses screen
name and password emailed to me. Thought it was interesting.
Jeff
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Nice to see that PlayOnline registration is working for someone, though the first letter is rather distressing. If someone reading this got my registration info, could you kindly give it back?
| Hair-raising |
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Nich,
Unfortunately, I can not read the column every day becasue of time
restraints, but when I heard that Drew was coming back, I couldn't resist.
Anyways, I read the "Why the Andrews Aren't Updating" thing, and I only have
one thing to say: Vestal's hair scares me. Please tell me that in recent
times he's shaved it off, or something.
-Mikey B.
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He hasn't shaved it off, but he does have much less of it than he used to. What was once a nigh-sentient mop has been subdued into something a little less malevolent. You might even go so far to say that the threat is ... receding.
Closing Comments:
Only one column left for me, and I'm determined to make you deranged psychos out there stay on topic. So the scene is this: I got my second set of maracas for Samba recently, and playing the game with my extended family at the Thanksgiving dinner today made me think about how far videogames have come in simulating real-life activities. Samba and Dance Dance Revolution are dancing without the public humiliation; RC Stunt Copter is detail-perfect copter simulation without the hideously expensive equipment, and (most) sports games for next-gen consoles are just getting better and better as the hardware is able to handle the complexity inherent in a real athletic match. So, given the power of today's videogame tech, what would you like to see simulated that's not really out there on the market?
-Nich Maragos, weirded out
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