Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I'm just glad nobody ever caught me eating Chad. Don't say we didn't warn you.

I had an excellent intro for you readers today. It was easily the funniest thing I'd ever written, even overshadowing the collection of poems I wrote to my dog and had published during one of my "experimentally artistic" phases a while back. Indeed, the intro of which I speak would have undoubtedly left a smile on the face of any who read it, brightening their day and even their very outlook on life.

But then I had a thought: what have you people done that would entitle you to read such an excellent introduction? What the hell have you ever done for me? Nothing, that's what. You never thank me for any of my work around this joint. You never flush and you always leave the toilet seat up. Just last week I had to clean an entire pizza up that you stuck under the damned couch cushions. I suppose I could be a man about it and confront you with my feelings, but instead I'm just going to handle the situation by denying you of a quality intro. Maybe next time you'll think twice when you go to steal the batteries out of the remote to use in your Walkman.

Nothing's really been announced, but I wouldn't hold your breath if I were you. Whereas Triple Triad was a relatively intricate and enjoyable card game, Tetra Masters dispenses with frivolties like "rules" or "purpose" leaving behind a minigame that's about as much fun as getting hit in the shins with a golf club.

Er, what? Saying that human caricatures afford more realistic expression thanks to exaggeration makes pretty much no sense at all. The main reason FFVIII was so enjoyable, at least in my eyes, was thanks to the very human nuances and mannerisms expressed both in movement and character. All of the characters, most notably Squall, worked out their personality quirks through the course of the game's events and the human interaction within. Don't get me wrong, I like FFIX well enough so far, but super-deformed characters can never be as natural and expressive as realistic game models. Of course, the caveat being animation: an outstandingly realistic character can be ruined by shoddy animation. So don't send me any letters pointing that out.

As for what you're saying about FFIX's length, from what I hear disc 3 is quite long. Don't worry, you'll still get your 40 hours worth.

And finally, I'll admit that I'm pessimistic regarding FFXI. If Square can find a way to embue an online RPG with a strong storyline I will be mightily, mightily impressed, I'll say that much.

Because I enjoy licking pigeons.

I think we should just create a highly intelligent and witty form of Artificial Intelligence to write these columns. Ever reply would be piss-your-pants funny, every game question, no matter how obscure, would be given an exhaustive (yet witty!) answer, and its personality would be enjoyed by all.

Of course, computers with that kind of AI always end up becoming sentient, then spawning a bunch of evil robots and taking over the world. So we'd have to do something to limit its powers. Maybe put it in a lousy apartment with no heating and plumbing and nothing more than a really slow modem to connect it to the Internet so it could post its columns.

Anyway, to answer your question, the old skit is still lurking on RPGamer's server at http://www.rpgamer.com/misc/skit1/skit1a.html, although you might want to get on checking that out. I imagine when they realize that thing's still floating around on their site it will be gone right-quick.

I like this idea. That's right, if you don't like the GIA's reviews, write one of your own! Except make it way cooler than ours, with tons of animations and clever captions and this movie in this one frame of you doing really cool stuff, like, I dunno, something really cool like riding one of those big old wooden TVs with the wheels down a hill into a bush and some sweet anime chicks and stuff. It will be so awesome! (@*#$&(@#*$@#$!!!

I think what amuses me most about people ranting about reviews is that they already have the freaking game. Look, it's nice that you enjoy a shitty game, but if you already own it, it's not like this site's or any other site's horrible, no good review kept you from enjoying a fine piece of entertainment. Not only that, but when you've already wasted 50 bucks on said shitty game, you're more psychologically apt to find enjoyment in it as a way of subconsciously justifying the purchase. So, in a way, the review with which you disagree is actually making the game better. You should be thanking us.

I figured I may as well post this, because if it's true (which I imagine it must be, because The Steve wouldn't lie), that's pretty sheisty.

See, now you're just trying to find out how stupid one of your letters has to be before I won't print it. Well it looks like I won this round, buddy. Better luck next time. I rule, you drool! Have a nice trip, see you next fall! Er, wait.

Closing Comments:

To fill this space, I actually have a question. It's a good question, I think, since it deals with FFIX (which I know you're all dying to talk about) without a large potential for spoilers. It's also good because it will help me compensate for my own ineptitude and stupidity. Actually, if it can do that, it's not just a good question, it's a great question -- like if somebody at one of those self-help seminars stood up and belched into the microphone when they were taking questions from the audience. I guess that wouldn't really be a question, but that would just be awesome.

Anyway, here it is: how the hell are you supposed to play Tetra Masters in FFIX? As far as I can tell, you place your cards on the board at random and your opponent randomly puts his cards down causing random cards to flip over at random, leading to the random card battle which is apparently won completely at random. In the end, one of you wins. At random. At least, that's what it seems like to me. And from what I've seen, I'm not alone in my thoughts. So, if you think you some big smarty-pants who knows the answer [no fair looking in our own guide -- ed.], why don't you help everyone out, you selfish ass? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you an ass. I just love you so much that, you know, sometimes I get a little crazy.

-Drew Cosner, everyone's favorite one-armed real-estate broker