Whatever, I don't care -
November 18, 2000 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed
within this column are those of the participants and the
moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the
GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive
material afoot.
So it turns out the sausage was just a Trojan horse of sorts to trick me into taking my heartworm pill.
Don't say we didn't warn you.
Well readers, it's true that you'll continue to wake up to a brand new column each and every weekday, as has always been the case. (Assuming that you usually get up around 8 at night, but you get my point.) However, these columns will no longer be provided by your friend and dictator, Andrew Kaufmann.
Andrew had been writing columns over a longer duration of time than anyone else I can think of, and were it not for him Double Agent itself probably wouldn't exist. So I think it only fitting that we show him off with a little style. As such, I've compiled a short but stirring collection of photographs as my way of saying thanks and goodbye. Enjoy.
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| Here's Andrew at last year's E3. When Dave and I were playing Tekken Tag, Andrew said that Kazuya's alternative costume made him like like a very eligible suitor. We all thought it was really funny. Later he got hit by a truck, which wasn't nearly as funny. |
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| Here's he is looking on as farmers receive their benefit checks. |
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| This is that time he was being eyed up by one of the giant space dogs. Unbeknownst to most people on earth, these giant space dogs came within seconds of activating their doomsday device which would have allowed them to claim the then lifeless planet earth as their own. They would have pulled it off, too, were it not for Andrew's heroic actions. |
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| Here's Andrew on the lunar surface. After defeating the space dogs, we all had a picnic on the moon and laughed and laughed and had so much fun. Then Jesus showed up. |
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| And finally, here's Andrew in his dorm room preparing to whip up another excellent edition of DA. You'll be missed, Andrew -- don't ever think otherwise. |
| Well that's what your mother said last night! |
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Yo Drew,
I'll play your game you rogue.
I know you've got the whole poor college kid thing going on, but have you
picked up FFIX yet? I have to say, it's the most fun I've had with an FF
game in a while. Except for the cross-dressing scene in FFVII, the FF games
haven't been heavy on pure fun lately. However, IX is full of neat little
things to do.
Also, I signed up at PlayOnline and they said they'd send me a free Vivi
doll. Only a true man has a doll of a nine-year-old black mage. Get one
today.
--The Steve
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I can't really comment on Final Fantasy IX just yet, since it only arrived in the mail this morning. From what
I've seen it isn't bad, but I'd like to give it a fair shake before spouting off my own opinions in the same
manner that your physics professor would relate various rules of gravity. I know, I know, you're supposed to
have decided if you were going to like FFIX or not a few months ago, but I fell behind schedule.
| Let me tell you how to waste your money. |
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her'es my question, what if you're too poor to buy a
PS2, is there anything under 50 bucks that will serve
as a substitute?
keep it real drew.
~nick
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Ah, yes. Here's the one thing I most enjoy about hosting Double Agent: my opinions actually matter to those of
you strange enough to want them. It's just like real life, except people can't immediately reply to my brazen
statements, and I don't get punched in the face nearly as often.
Anyway, as another poor schmuck who had neither the time to track down a PS2 nor the cash to buy it with, I can
relate to the position you pose. And for the money, I'd have to say that it comes down between Skies of Arcadia,
Majora's Mask, and Final Fantasy IX, depending on which system you feel like playing. So, like, there you have
it and stuff.
| That's how I'd handle it |
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this is just my opinion, but could you do a "Don't state your opinion
because I don't give a damn and I'm not going to print your stupid garbage"
days???? It's just a thought but sometimes I get sick of reading what people
think of the characters of FFVIII or DQ whatever number. I don't know if you
get sick of it, and I don't know if you will even read this stupid letter.
I know this is MY opinion but hey what the hell??
David
P.S. I see the Final Fantasy Movie Trailer on the big screen. Damn it looks
cool.
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I'd like to do you one better, actually. I'd like to round up all of the people who feel that any game with
character models more technically intensive than 4-color sprites automatically becomes a wretched piece of
eye-candy intended only to appeal to the simpering masses. Next I'd get all of the people who think that any
Final Fantasy sequel not so revolutionary as to warrant the creation of a new genre is stagnation and hints
towards Square's eventually demise. Then I'd throw all of these people together in a giant plexiglass cage with
various crude weapons and let them battle it out to determine supremecy between themselves.
The winning side would get their reward when I slowly began to pump the cage full of delicious but deadly
marshmallow fluff, laughing at their feeble attempts to eat their way to salvation as they slowly began to
smother to death.
I apologize if you find that treatment a bit tame. I guess I've gotten a little rusty during my absence.
| You unrepentant suck-up; I love you |
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Drew (wow....)
First, I'd like to say goodbye to AK. AK, you rule, come back someday, and
keep kicking ass.
And now......Drew! What the hell are you doing back? Wacky stuff. But let
me be the 14th person to welcome you back! And in honor of your return, I'm
going to rip a page out of your own book.
Drew is Dead Sexy
Remember, the Sexalicious Award is not a toy, and may contain small parts
unsuitable for children under the age of three. By accepting the award you
hereby give your oath that any missing limbs, children or male pornography
due to misuse of the award is solely your own fault. Sucks to be you.
And just for shits, this letter will contain some actual content. FFIX is
very good so far (2nd disc), and is one hell of a breath of fresh air. And
I really liked FFVIII, so don't anyone worry about it taking the gameplay
and story backwards in time along with the style.
-Justin Freeman
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I'm glad to see you too, Justin. Your heartfelt greeting makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside; like I just
swallowed a teddy bear that had been in the microwave or something.
| Last and absolutely, positively least |
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I can help out Queen Godzilla a bit with 'last game on the system' info. The
last game released on the NES was Sunday Funday, formerly Menace Beach, by
Wisdom Tree, formerly Color Dreams (not an official Nintendo licensee, by the
by). Menace Beach was a 'radical' sort of platformer where you rode your
skateboard to save your girlfriend from 'Devil Dan,' and after each level
your girlfriend's clothes rot off and she calls you 'dogface' or such. The
game didn't sell a whole lot, so in the mid-90's, the born-again, now
religion-based Wisdom Tree company changed some sprites around, changed the
last boss to a bear, and made the game about trying to reach Sunday School
safely (the girlfriend was replaced with a Sunday school teacher without a
disintegrating wardrobe).
Seriously...I read all about this at Seanbaby.com. It's true, I swear.
-SonicPanda
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Multiple people have written in to tell me of Sunday Funday and how it was the last game published for the
NES. As for the SNES, I was just going to say "That one Fire what's-its-face game. Whatever it was called." But
fellow agent Nich informed me that it was, in fact, called Fire Emblem Thracia 776 and came out in Japan in
August of '99. So there you have it.
| To put it eloquently, "Wah." |
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'Lo Drew,
Just my brief take on the whole ratings scale thing -- 'wah'.
Unfortunately, ratings scales are something founded on opinion, so when
someone finds themselves all flabbergasted that they disagree with the
opinions themselves, they feel they have to attack the foundation for
it.
People are constantly asking for reviews without opinions. Maybe my
sense of gaming journalism is a bit off key, but that's just not
possible. To quote one letter -- "The problem with overall scores is
that they typically represent, rather than the cake that comes from
baking a game's ingredients together, a static snapshot of how much the
reviewer enjoyed the game." Well, yeah. A review is based on how the
game met with the reviewer. Usually, people would say that, rather than
including opinions, just say how the product itself is and leave your
opinion out. Once again, we run into the same problem. You can't do
that either, because that's an opinion as well. There is no inherent
good or bad (except for Legend of Dragoon). Each game is interpereted
just a little bit differently by every single person who plays it.
Something can suck royally to one person, and be incredibly to another.
It's just a matter of tastes, is all.
As far as review scores go, that's a matter of looking at the review
scales for sites. You can't interperet a 4 on GIA as '80%'; rather, you
need to read the review scale and see what a 4 means to GIA. To quote
that same letter again: "When attempting to condense an entire game
into a single five-degree score, it becomes extremely convenient to say
'This game does have a few flaws, but they're dwarfed by its strengths,"
for a preferred title'. The problem with that is, when some people see
a review with a score on it, they immediately stop after just seeing
that number and decide what the reviewer's stance was. Giving a good
review score doesn't indicate those types of opinions at all. Those
opinions are all found in the actual review which companions that
little score.
Review scales will never be perfect, but they don't need to be.
They're just a sidedish to the actual review, to solidify a reviewer's
stance. And reviews will always be inherently flawed, because gamers
aren't mindless drones who all see every single game the exact way, so
of course there will be disagreeance. Reviews are guides, suggestions,
and occassionally, safety hazzards for really, really crappy games.
However, if you don't agree with a review, just remember it's just a
difference of opinion, not a personal attack on your Gospel Truth (tm).
And if you really want to avoid opinions in reviews, feel free to read
the entertaining sales sheets for games; they'll tell you "X NUMBER OF
LEVELS! MUSIC BY COMPOSER X! 3D GRAPHICS!", and assure you that
everything is happy-happy-joy-joy in the world.
-Jeremy
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Couldn't agree more, Jeremy. And just to add my two cents, I don't know why everybody has such a hissy-fit when
they don't agree with a review, anyhow. I thought that Brave Fencer Musashi was great; sure, it had flaws, and
couldn't even compare to the likes of Zelda: OoT, but it was still a lot of fun. I simply accepted it for its
shortcomings and enjoyed it in spite of them -- I didn't write a 22-page letter to Next Generation telling them
that they were horrible, no good people and their mothers were probably are made out of a bunch of dead minnows
crazy-glued together because they gave the game 3 out of 5.
In other words, we at the site review any given game according to its strengths and weaknesses, and use a
numeral rating as a means of quick comparison. Just because a game doesn't get a 5 doesn't mean that it's
completely without merit and should be left alone. You simply need to read the bulk of the review and decide if
the failings mentioned within are of the type that would concern you as a gamer.
As a final side-note, when I reviewed Harvest Moon 64, I gave it a 3. And I absolutely adore that game. The rest
of the staff makes fun of me for talking about it so much. So just because we may give a game a less than
perfect rating, that doesn't we despise it and are trying to steer you away. And now I'm done babbling.
| You're the greatest! |
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Mr. Cosner,
Regarding this whole ratings topic...the GIA literally saved me 50 bucks! I
got a PS2 like all of the other freaks who got up early and waited in line
(my apologies to those who didn't get one). I didn't get a game right away
and was thinking of what to get. Since I'm a FF/Vagrant story sort of guy, I
figured Summoner would be my best choice. I was literally about to get it one
day and decided to read the GIA review. At first I was ticked that it
received such a horrible review but then I figured I'd rent it first instead
(which is common sense anyway). Well, it did turn out to be pretty bad in my
opinion... So that is how the GIA saved me $50.
Morale of the story: Despite disagreements on ratings, they can prove to be
very useful and act as financial insurance. Thanks, GIA.
-Peter
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There you go; I just figured I'd end the column on a positive note. Plus I have a really big ego that has
extended to include attacks and praise on the site itself, and this letter made me happy.
Closing Comments:
Okay, people, here's the deal: I like topics. Normally I'm going to assign a topic every Saturday. I realize
Andrew never did that, but like your babysitter always told you, "I'm not your mother." And I'm not Andrew,
either. However, this week I'm feeling lazy so I'm going to pretend like I'm paying another nod to good ol' AK
and not assign a topic. Just be prepared.
With that said, mail me. Until tomorrow.
-Drew Cosner, who they don't call "the pigeon-licker" for nothing.
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