Resident Final Dragon Mario
Castlevania Rockman... and it goes on like this - October
17, 2000 - Chris Jones
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed
within this column are those of the participants and the
moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the
GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive
material afoot. Heck, lots of GIA staffers recently got older in
the "orbits around the sun completed" sense of the phrase. Happy birthday
to them all.
Don't say we didn't warn you.
Wow, what are the odds: I come up with a column needing very
little input or response from me on the same night I have to study
for a test and watch the final Presidential debate. How
serendipitous!
Onward.
| Starting off... |
| Here are some ideas on freaky odd games I'd like to
see made....
-Pokemon: Blue Sphere
Only twelve Pokemon to catch, but their heads are too big to fit in the
Pokeballs...
-Pokemon: Eternal Dark (a compliment to Crystal)
Gotta catch 'em all...and kill 'em.
-Vib Hime-chan no Ribbon
A stick-figure shoujo game where you transform into other people and get
into zany situations when you fall into the spiked pit.
-Sailor Harvest Moon RPG
Moon! Pesticide! Action!
-Space Channel IX
Like V only with hideously super-deformed characters whose butt cracks are
as long as their backs....The floating cities are worth it though.
-Chrono Crosstime Saloon
You know it would be fun. Yamaneko, drunk. Oh yes indeedy.
-Leisure Suit Langrisser
You can't control all the warriors, but if you set the AI to "Salt Peter"
you don't need to.
And last but not least, my perennial favorite:
-Final Fantasy Mystic Dragon Quest
The integration was so rocky that the characters, plot, and gameplay are
currently still warring in the message boards for dominance. Rumor has it
that the FF side of the game claims to have influenced millions to buy it,
but the DQ side insists that it has enticed more. So far the programmers
are still sorting through the numbers.
Lord Itlan
(and god help us all if Nintendo gets ahold of my ideas...) |
Final Fantasy Mystic Dragon Quest: is that the one where you go back
in time to fight a giant tree and discover that you're your own
great, great, great grandfather, or the one where you go around
building islands out of Esper shards?
Regardless, I've heard the first person battle FMV is fantastic,
and I look
forward to playing it.
| Continuing on... |
| Here Chris, feel free to post any or all of
these.
--Xenogears Solid 2: Suns of Liberty: Starring Solid
Citan and Cyber Ramsus. Involves sneaking around in
giant gears without making a sound, lest you alert the
sleeping guards. The objective is to stop Deus, who's
been disguising himself as Bill Gates, from performing
inhumane genetics experiments on kidnapped programmers
from around the world.
--Tetris Fantasy Tactics: A puzzle-RPG with a
confusing plot and even more confusing gameplay
system. You must match colored blocks in the correct
order, thereby enabling you to move across
checkerboard terrain to perform magic attacks on your
foes. Furiously addictive.
--Resident Zelda: A deep horror dwells within Hyrule
Castle, and you, as Link, must guide a party of
adventurers through unknown dangers to face the
unspeakable terror which lurks beneath.
--Silent Myst: You, a being from beyond the stars,
discover a book that takes you to the small town of
Myst. The inhabitants seem to have vanished, and in
their place sits a thick fog and a vast array of
hideous beasts. You must rescue a little girl--perhaps
the sole survivor--while fighting your way through
ridiculous puzzles that require membership in MENSA to
complete.
--Kastlevania Kombat Mythologies XVI: Wade through
spectacular gore beating up undead creatures and
assigned opponents alike as you make your way to
DracuLax, the gas-emitting vampire king.
--Major League Wipeout: Baseball game featuring a
dizzyingly high-speed race from base to base.
---Anthony James Larrea |
I'd just like to add that I've played Xenogears Solid 2, and it
gets even harder once you defeat Deus Gates and the Windows OS in
every gear in the world stops working, rendering them inactive.
| Interlude #1 |
| Chris
I took German for, well... a lot of years. German, much like English does
have a large amount of dialects and accents within the language. People
from Souther Germany, Northern Germany, Switzerland, and Austria all sound
incredibly different, much like Southerners, Australians and Brits all
sound different in English. So, it is possible to create a dialect
generator, but, written, it might not be as pronounced as its English
equivalent.
Justin Freeman |
Between the potential weakness of the German accent engine, and the
fact that Square would have had to do the same thing in French and
Spanish as well, I can see that it might not have been an economical
proposition in Europe.
| Using the power of
dance, of course. |
| Well, there's the obvious "Legend of Panzer Dragoon Saga," but that's all
but sacrilegious. "Shining Dragon Force" would be incredible beyond words
but would have to be for the Saturn. "Solid Snake: Waku-Waku Cookies" has
potential, as does "Hello Kitty Solid."
But what would the ultimate title for a game be? That's right; "Vagrant
Revolution," the story of a Dancebreaker determined to rid the planet of
mondo bad karma. Either that, or the epic tale of a nomadic tribe's
attempt to... uh... revolt. Using the power of dance, of course.
Now wait... you know, given the way the pads are constructed you could
actually have a game that used both the DDR pads and the Samba de Amigo
Maracas at the same time. Hell... with four controller ports, the
Dreamcast could even support two players, each with a pad and a set of
maracas. I think that'd be a nifty interface for a fighting game.
-Anson (What am I talking about, again?) |
So what are you thinking: players going head to head, virtually
smacking each other upside the head with maracas and dodging attacks
with fancy dance steps? Sounds like a good video game answer to Tae
Bo, I'd buy it.
| HTML codeland? No, this
is PERL land, HTML's down the road a bit... |
Screwed up game #1:
Metal Xenogears Soild 2: Sons of Fei
setting: Squareland
After the first Xenogears, Fei actually went acidentally through Crono's time
portal and none of the first game ever happened! After landing in a strange
new world known as "Konamiville", Fei lands on this dude in a sneaking suit
running from an exploding tanker! Fei's fall lets guards catch up to him,
and the guards blast the hell out of the guy who is obviously Snake. In his
dying breaths, Snake tells Fei his mission and now Fei must regain his honor
by saving the world and then taking his life with a sword...
Screwed up game #2:
Frogger 3: Gran Turismo's revenge!
setting: High Speed Ring
It's frogger's greatest challege yet! This 5-DVD adventure (yes, im mocking
the crap about how more than 150 cars in GT2000 would supposedly need
"another DVD") on Playstation 7 pits frogger in the world of Gran Turismo!
Can he succeed in runnin... oh, nevermind, he didn't.
Screwed up game #3:
Legacy of Kain: Chris Jones Returns
setting: HTML codeland
Raziel walks around with his new buddy Kain on the DA column when suddenly
they are sucked into HTML land and are forced into slavery by its evil master
Chris Jones! Fighting evil villians such as AK, Justin Freeman, Agent X, The
Steve, and even the unstoppable Ian P.!!! Will they succeed? Only a ten
dollar donation to Scott can tell. Hoo Haa!
-Scott |
Evil master Chris Jones? Come on, the way you talk you'd think
there was something wrong with forcing undead vampires to act according
to my evil...
er, that is, personal, whims.
Besides, everybody you mention, from AK to Agent X, gets a cut of the
profits from my slavery... er, mandatory work program. So there's really
no conflict here, Scott.
| Interlude #2 *Possible
Persona 2 spoilers* |
| I read about the concern of Persona: Eternal Punishment tying into
Innocent Sin the other day in your column, and I thought I'd settle the
issue once and for all.
Having played through both IS and EP, I can say that although IS is
not necessary to appreciate EP, it enhances certain parts of the game
tremendously. Although the plot of EP is seperate and enjoyable in
itself, it has a number of creepy references to IS that American players
will simply not understand. In a sense, EP is a retelling of IS in a
different reality. Having no concept of the original reality
tremendously decreases the novelty of the NEW reality. I know that
sounds confusing, but to put it in perspective, in the early parts of EP
you talk to the last boss from IS, who is now just a teacher at the
highschool that Maya is investigating. The same characters pop up, but
they're different people. Characters who who died are alive and
previously insignificant characters sometimes take center stage.
The result of this is that when American players get Persona 2,
rather than being shocked or creeped out at the changes in the world or
characters, they'll be more likely just to say "What's up with THAT
guy?". Needless to say, I don't think most gamers will "get it." But,
then again...most gamers over here didn't "get" Persona to begin with.
I really hope this clears everything up for everyone, but if you
want to know anything else, I can probably tell you.
~Blue Fox |
I see where you're coming from, but the thing is, that's the same
dilemma faced by any sequel with close ties to the original. I'm sure
there are people who didn't play CT and didn't get a lot of what was going on in Chrono
Cross as a result, but at the same time that might have worked to their advantage,
since they had no expectations going into the game and could enjoy it
for what it was. Persona 2.5 may play out the same way.
Regardless, my point yesterday was that people won't be missing
anything that would prevent them from understanding the game.
Although you are correct when you point out that most people didn't get
the first game, as a quick look at the sales figures shows.
| Bust-A-Cross: sequel
to Billy Graham's Bible Blaster |
Seaman-Kazooie
Everyone's favorite was the ill-tempered Kazooie, so let's ditch Banjo
for the even iller-tempered Seaman. He'd be the only character to not
use the fake talk. "Wakawakawakawaka." "I'm mad at you right now, so
go away." And Seaman would look so cute flopping around on the ground
with yellow shorts and a backpack.
Barbie Fashion Designer: Majora's Mask
Give Barbie some REALLY unbelievable figures.
Bust-A-Cross
Alls I know is this Mitsuda-based rhythm game's title would probably
catch the attention of a few religious types.
Twisted ARMs
Vehicular combat, featuring a blue-haired teenage boy, a strong grown
man, and a young female magic-user. |
I refuse to make a Seaman joke... which doesn't leave me anything to
talk about.
| Dr. Zaius, meet Pikachu |
| Hey Chris
How about Planet Of The Pokemon. Ash is accidentally trapped inside a Pokeball
and wakes about thousands of years later, to find Pokemon raising and training
humans to fight battles.
I can see it now..
"Get your hands off her, you damn dirty pokemon!"
and
"Those maniacs! They finally did it, they blew up the Pokemon Center!"
Andrew Toth |
My question is, will we see Ash appear in half-hour long
infomercials for the National Pokemon Association, telling his fellow
Amer... er, Japanese to fear government attempts to regulate
semi-automatic Pokemon? Something to think about.
| See what reading books
does to your mind? Mandatory MTV for all! |
| I too am a denizen of the book caverns. I want to
eat your children. Toodles.
-Megane |
On second thought, maybe telling people about Zod Wallop and
The Aubis Gates wasn't such a good idea after all. A little
knowledge can be a dangerous thing, and a lot of knowledge might turn
you into something like Megane.
| Battle Royale |
| CJ,
While I'm sure you'll get some far wittier than these, enjoy none the
less:
Tactics Ocean: Complete - Humorous dialogue sprinkled through a 250 hour
long adventure. Features 110+ endings. Battles are pure anarchy.
Xenogears: The Never Ending Story - Consists of an animated interview with
the Wave Existence, concerning the exploits of the Contact throughout the
second disks of Episodes I-IX. Time needed to actually win this game?
Nah.
-and my favorite-
Super Dead or Alive Street Brothers vs. Marvel-Capcom vs. The World Alpha
Omega 4: Deluxe Super Mega Championship Ringside Edition - Fighting game
that features every videogame character ever made on any console system
duking it out to see who is the best. Combos that are 3,200 moves long can
be used, they take a full 7 minutes to execute. It's still 2D though...
I do believe that was excessively silly. I need to stop while I still
can.
-Red Raven, who needed a fluff column anyway |
If SDoASBvMCvTWAO4:DSMCRE gives me a chance to finally pit Qlon
against Malak for the title of "worst game character ever" it's got my
preorder money right now. I'll transfer my FF9 preorder money to pay
for it.
| His worst nightmare |
| Every Square game ever made, combined.
~Ian P.
P.S. ...Only on: X-BOX! ARGH! |
I dunno, I think it might be a cool idea. Imagine Cecil, Terra, Chrono,
Aya, Fei, Kid, even Rue and Mint against their worst enemy ever: the
Blue Screen of Death! Which completes our quota of Microsoft jokes for
the day.
And I guarantee that such a game would be positively unique to
X-Box, for those worried about multi-platform games being too
generic.
Closing Comments:
Well, hope you enjoyed that fluff column, or, at the very least,
that it didn't turn your stomach. But if it did, all I can say is that
now you know why I stay away from comedy.
For tomorrow, let's get a little more serious, but not too much:
comedy in games. Does it ever work for you, and if so, what type do you
prefer? The puns of Working Designs, the character driven comedy of
Dewprism, or the unintentional comedy of "I got a good feeling!"? Let
me know what brings a smile to your face in video games. Until
tomorrow, adios.
-Chris Jones, bombed miserably
at The Improv |
