| Gnarly to the max - August 1, 2000 - Chris Jones Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the
participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is
coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I can put another 80's ref here,
but fortunately the urge is already dying down. Don't say we didn't warn you.
You could almost use it as the plot to an RPG. Once upon a time, in a land not so far
away, there was a great renaissance of games. The nation delighted to simple boxy graphics
and crude bleeps and bloops with poor control and largely mediocre gameplay. Then a great
and terrible darkness fell upon the land, and the people lost their way. No longer was Pac
Man a mighty cultural icon, and the great caverns of American arcades became lonely, dusty
places.
But one day, a lone warrior from a far off land arrived to fight the darkness. With a
mighty array of spells and a slick marketing campaign, the hero quickly became more
powerful than anyone could have foreseen, freeing the oppressed masses and learning many
new skills, such as cross-promotions and cultural domination. And though the hero had many
more battles ahead of him, the world would never again fall into the great evil of the
Crash.
However, that's just the official Nintendo-approved version. Although Nintendo did
indeed restore the power of video games to the world, there are certain... anomalies as to
how it did so. Even today, the memory of those weird aberrations haunt a tortured few, and
only recently as the full extent of the NES's dark side been exposed. The following should
prove enlightening, but be aware: your understanding of the Nintendo Entertainment System
may never again be the same.
Onward.
| Nintendo Logic, and other oxymorons |
| Double Agent, I think the best thing about the NES was Nintendo Logic.
It's still well and alive today, but developers temper it with clever rationalizations--
Cloud and company use a PHS to switch members, for example, rather than just utilizing NL
like the gang from Chrono Trigger. While it's nice to be able to suffer a glancing blow to
the toe without violently exploding and even more nice not to have to suffer through
masochistically titles like Battletoads just because I was stupid enough to buy them, I
kinda miss Alice-in-Wonderland mushrooms and disembodied heads and NESglish ("I feel
asleep"). That and Captain N and the Super Show, of course. It brings a tear to my
eye.
--
Pokeytax |
I don't have a lot to say, mostly because Pokeytax does such a great job of evoking the
magic and horror of that bygone age. Just sitting back and remembering the Super Show is
enough to send a powerful wave of nostalgia and revulsion through me, much like
contemplating the Gummi Bears cartoons.
| This tune is just six notes long... |
| The days of Nintendo ... so many memories. Finally not getting killed by
the first guy in the Adventures of Bayou Billy, killing slime after slime just to buy a
Chain Mail in Dragon Warrior, obliterating the white tiger in Ninja Turtles II, admiring
the shiny gold Zelda cartridge, getting a shoot-out sudden-death in Blades of Steel.
Remember, I was only six or seven. These things were pretty damn cool. But the one game
that sticks out for me most is RBI Baseball (I know it's not an RPG, so spare me!).
Seriously. For some reason, controlling little men with bad physiques - David Wells at
best, Fat Bastard at worst -- was immensely satisfying for me. Never mind that the roster
didn't include the Toronto Blue Jays or that it was impossible NOT to mercy the computer.
RBI Baseball had the first videogame song that I ever got stuck in my head. I haven't
played it in years, nor do I know where the cartridge went (I think it's stuffed in the
same box as my DQ2 and Zelda games), but I can still hum that music note-for-note. And
it's still REALLY irritatingly catchy.
Go play it by emulator, everybody. See if you aren't singing it by the end of the day.
- Kate |
I'm just as happy to stay away from an infectious meme like that, but in other ways
it's already too late. I can whistle the flute tune from Zelda, boogie down to the Mario
theme, and even ape the bizarre sliding kick movement of the classic Kung Fu game, all at
a moment's notice. These traits are buried as deep within my subconscious as my first
phone number or my desire for Hawaiian Punch, and I will never be free of them until I
die. May Howard Phelps have mercy on my soul.
| You've got to hit the A button just right... |
| CJ, Ah, Battletoads. It is my most favorite game that I have never
beat. I only got as far as those Water Pipes as a child; made it to that level where you
raced the rat on emulator. Back then when games didn't had any save points or continues,
beating a game was an all day struggle for survival. To this day I'm amazed that I even
beat most of my ailing NES games. Which brings me to this question: Are games easier
nowadays because of the designers or because we are just too good?
This question comes up at a point when my little sister is starting to be interested in
gaming. But I have to stifle my laughter at her undeveloped reflexes in fairly basic
games. Maybe we need someone to make a game that will train beginners in the fine arts of
reflexes, much like Nintendo did with us nearly 12 years ago, hmm?
-Red Raven, whose spent more time on Battletoads then Metal Gear Solid |
I'd have to say it's some of both - games are easier these days, but our generation was
trained by numerous twitch games to have a finely conditioned set of reflexes that serves
us even today. I've noticed many times how relatively uncoordinated friends of mine who
didn't play a lot of games as kids are when tackling a new type of game in comparison to
myself, even when it's a new game, a new type of game, for both of us.
At the same time, game developers have gotten a little smarter about designing games.
There's always gonna be a subset of people out there who enjoy mastering extremely
difficult challenges in the form of precise timing and positioning (and it's no
coincidence that it's primarily young males who play such games) but a bigger market can
be accessed when games reward strategy and insight, rather than millisecond-correct button
presses. In other words, less finicky gameplay that's tough in other ways sells better.
| A bit of trivia |
| The NES, whoa! I only remember three things about that thing. 1.) What
was the purpose of the letter in Legend of Zelda?!? I could never figure out what it was
for.
2.) There was a game based on the movie Total Recall- It blew chunks.
3.) Final Fantasy 1 came out.
And that's about all the highlights of my life before SNES. My God that is sad!
Rayeth,
Sobbing at the reality that the BattleToads sucked. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! |
This was another little piece of trivia that got lodged in my head like a mustard seed
between your molars, but fortunately providing someone else with the answer is highly
cathartic. The letter, when presented to the old woman in the cave by the river, will
allow you to buy red and blue potions that restore your life. Good stuff.
| Jemmy toys with my mind |
| Chris, Sorry, but this has nothing to do with the SNES: never owned
one, shockingly enough. I hear I may have missed on much, but I got to play PS and the
Shining Force series...Shadowrun (though that one was on a Nintendo console too, I
think)... But enough chit chat...
At first, I too thought that 'Bill' wrote a love letter to AK (he's got that whole
intriguing slacker/guitar-god-wannabe image...). But then it occurred to me: by saying
"just get it over with", 'Bill' was merely trying to gather some courage for his
proposal, and he pretty much knew he was sending mail to you (it's not like AK made it a
secret...).
ROTFLMAO...ehm... I mean, too bad you had to go break his heart ...
Other theories: either he thinks Chris may be short for Christine (ah, to be young and
clueless), or he figured that once he found his soulmate, little details such as being the
same sex as him can be overlooked. Better yet, maybe you're the perfect guy... (am I
kidding on that one or not?I'm not telling...bwah, hah, hah, hah...)
Ah, between that one and toastyfrog's page... It's been a while since I laughed so much
I almost cried...
BTW: a pre-release beta version of FFX? Such risky advice on a present... I'm sure
Square probably has the latest in anti-espionnage gadget installed on premises, and
Japanese jails are probably no picnic either... Good thing Mike's girlfriend probably does
not read your column...
Princess "AK says: 'What am I, chopped liver???' " Jemmy |
Evil, evil woman... not at all what you'd expect from such an innocent looking little
blonde girl with a floating fish on a string.
At any rate, not a lot I can do to prevent her from having her way with me, except to
note that I now tie with her for proposals in the column, and she's likely just jealous
that somebody wants me and not her. Now if only the proposer was Cameron Diaz, I'd be set.
And it's true that getting a pre-release beta would be no easy task, but isn't true
love supposed to overcome any obstacle?
| Headmasters, Serpentor, Knowing is half the
battle... make it stop! |
| Great scott, it looks like the nostalgia bug has bitten you as well. I
recently suffered a pretty bad case, which started innocuously enough with some G.I. Joe
file cards but eventually culminated in near-disaster when I found myself brainwashed, a
single click away from purchasing hundreds of dollars worth of Joe & Transformer
comics. Luckily at the last minute I found action figures of Selphie and Quistis on
clearance ($1.99 each!) and settled for those instead. Heretical as it may be for a child
of the '80s to say so, even Scarlett and the Baroness can't compete with the two lovely
ladies of FFVIII. Videogame-wise, the '80s are also rife with loads o' memories for me
as well. I basically grew up with videogames - Pac-Man fever hit America just as I had
become tall enough to see over an arcade console and had developed enough motor skill to
get (nearly!) to level 2. Plus, for a while I was The Luckiest Boy Ever for a month out of
each year; my grandparents were the resident supervisors at the boy's dorm at the local
christian college. And it just so happened that the lobby there contained about half a
dozen of the latest and greatest arcade games, replaced regularly as new titles came out.
That was cool enough, but what really took the cake was that during Thanksgiving and
Christmas break, the arcade vendor would come set the dip-switches to "free
play," and for the entire holidays I could play Pac-Man, Donkey Kong Jr., Joust,
Robotron, Berserk, Tempest, Defender, Zaxxon and varying other games until my legs gave
out. I was doomed to be an addict from a young age. Free play only happened for about
three years, but I made the most of it, and it really help offset the fact that we didn't
have a home console until well after the Crash (at which point we got a Coleco Adam -
OY!).
Of course, my very best game memories ever come from the late '80s, when my friend down
the street got a shiny new NES with Super Mario Bros. and Commando. We'd both kick back
almost every day after school and try to beat the games (he did, but I never could - it
took me a while to get used to those new-fangled D-Pads). Eventually I got my own NES and
discovered games with far more depth than the arcades ever offered: Metroid, Goonies II,
Kid Icarus, Megaman 2, Castlevania, Metal Gear... yow. I could probably recite yarns about
these games for hours, but now my back is killing me, my hands are cramping up, and I need
to go yell at those damn kids who keep walking across my lawn.
The '80s: a crappy decade, but the merchandise rocked.
J. Parish |
As payback for the Chu Chu picture, I had to give JP his own space to wax nostalgic
about the good old days. Ah, the memories... and say what you will, but at least the 80's
had marginally better fashion sense than the 70's.
However, an interesting thing occurs to me, that whatever insane prices people my age
are willing to pay for old toys and games, those prices will be much, much higher when
they start getting MDs and stock options and pass the bar. Thus, the real message of this
letter is: stockpile now, and keep that junk in mint condition.
| The Steve: X-man |
| Yo Chris, I've just got one quick question. Do you or anybody at the
GIA have ANY new news about Namco's Project X? If it's coming out for the PSX, they'd
better as hell hurry it up....
--The Steve |
That's a big nada, Steve, no new info on Project X is out there that we know of, sorry.
No further news on giant religious robots and the walking Freudian case studies who pilot
them, sorry. But given that the original news bulletin said it was coming out on the PS2
by the end of 2001 (cue Thus Spoke Zarathustra) there's still some time left.
Closing Comments:
A logical thing to do would be to take one step forward and ask for your favorite
memories of the Genesis or SNES, but that'd probably get old. Instead, I'd like to take a
tangent from Steve's last letter and ask you this: from your point of view, when will the
PSX era really be over? FF9? DQ7? FE: Retro Helix, or the possible releases of Project X
or Hoshigami? Or maybe the PS2, or the Dolphin. What marks the final nail in the coffin of
one of the best gaming systems ever? I seek your wisdom. Later.
-Chris Jones, slightly shocked that the 80's started over two decades ago |
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