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| Enemies of the column - May 8, 2000 - Chris Jones Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I did propose to a letter, but she turned me down... *sniff* I feel so used... Don't say we didn't warn you.
Anyway, we are having a column today, albeit a short one, because I didn't get much mail. The good news is, this leaves me more time to code up what you've all been waiting for: the Arch Nemesis contest! But please read the column too. Onward.
I hate to burst your bubble pal, but... no, wait, I love bursting your bubble. Anachronox is not the first decent American developed console-style RPG, that title would have to go to Septerra Core. SC was published around November of '99 on the PC, and while I've never played it I've heard it's pretty solid. Now if Anachonox is good, and is ported to a console soon, then it could be the first "decent American developed console-style RPG published on a console". But I'm kinda skeptical about this because it's from ION Storm, which is the company behind the infamous "Daikatana". (NOTE: the preceding sentence was NOT a Daikatana joke, just a mention of Daikatana. This column does not endorse the use of Daikatana for humor purposes, as all such jokes were mined out years ago. Thank you for your cooperation.) Yes, the Anachonox developers supposedly love Chrono Trigger and have tried to make a game that embraces the same virtues, but I'll believe it when I see it. And EIDOS has published some good games, but also some truly lousy ones. (You know what I'm talking about.) Time will tell, and meanwhile the Square RPG deluge draws ever closer...
Always good to know such things. Those of you moving out of college dorms at the moment take note. Fortunately a good portion of my college years were spent in UT's Jester dormitory, which has the honor of being both the biggest dorm in the US, and the ugliest. (Those of you who have read Neal Stephenson's extremely rare "The Big U" have a very good mental picture of Jester.) Not only was it impossible to damage the cream brick walls of Jester with any form of hanging, poster, etc., but any such damage could only have improved the place. Ah, how I miss it so...
I always treat my CDs like the precious gems that they are, so I know not of scratch remedies. I merely pass the info on to you, my careless readers, and implore you not to leave your CDs outside the PSX or jewel cases. </damn superior attitude>
See?! See?! This is what I'm reduced to printing when I get no letters! Ahem, anyway... To beat the DQ fans to the punch, if interactivity is your desire then DQ is your game. I'll admit that DQ as a whole seems to have more immersion in the environment, as far as people to talk to, places to explore, etc. Note that this is not the same as plot immersion, which depends on entirely different elements. In fact, that's why I find it perfectly ok that FF's have relatively few people to talk to - I feel I've been shown enough to advance the story. Someone once wrote that the difference between an amateur and a professional artist is that when drawing a brick wall, an amateur has to draw every single brick and line to get the idea of the wall across. A pro can show you a brick wall with a few well-placed strokes of the pen. I'm not trying to say DQ is amateurish compared to FF, but I do think FF has mastered the art of showing just what's needed, when it's needed. 2D vs. 3D gameplay is a very old argument I'd rather not get in to, but I'm a little confused as to how FF8 could be simultaneously boring and more involved. I thought FF8's gameplay was a further extension of the minimalist ethic - if buying weapons and armor throughout a game merely serves to soak up money, then get rid of both money and weapons/armor purchases. Instead, if you want a really good weapon you gotta work for it. And I've never seen an Ultima universe that came close to FF8's, but I haven't extensively played the latter Ultimas either. (And yes, I know it's roughly the same universe in all games.)
I like Lunar as a series, but I think Phantasy Star has to take second place to Final Fantasy. The PS universe seemed to be taking risks in both setting and narrative back when everybody else was still messing around with dragons and saving princesses. If there seemed to be a large number of people who genuinely hated me, yeah, it would bother me. But everybody seems to be very good natured about it, so I've decided to be honored that so many people have decided I'm a worthy adversary. If you believe that character is defined by the quality of one's enemies, then I'm in very good company.
Not to be insensitive or anything, but ooh, poor baby. </sarcasm> It's all of what, 90 degrees up there? And you start to cool down by September? Folks, I'm from Texas, where it's a solid 90+ from April to October, and 100+ for at least two or three months out of the year. Prior to that I lived in New Orleans, where I became very familiar with the concept of 90+ degrees + 90+ percent humidity = 110+ heat index. Admittedly the entire South seems to have embraced the wonders of air conditioning in a way that you folks up North have not, and it's not like I'm in Amarillo or Abilene or anything, where people look down on Austin weather the same way I look down at Northern weather. Still, it's tough all around, so suck it up and go drink a cold soda. And if you don't have a cold soda, go buy one.
Very few works have filled me with a burning desire to read more about their respective universes, and for those that have, well, that's why (good) fanfic was invented. Nope, never read the DOOM series, but I don't particularly feel the loss.
Disappointing, but at least Mascott's (somethings) are safe. Mascott's a good friend of mine, I'm sure he'll be relieved. Closing Comments: Gosh, that was cool. I had no idea how nice it is to write a short column and be done in under two hours. Maybe this will start a trend... nah. A bit of housekeeping: when I posted my infamous *bleep* rant I thought it was a relatively clever way to show that censoring isn't always terribly effective. However, a few of you took it as a challenge to decode the paragraph and mailed me the results, which I could have definitely done without. *shudder* But the joke's on you, because I was messing with your tiny little heads. The actual rant prior to the *bleep* conversion is as follows: "The profanity's bleeped out? What the heck? I'll tell you what you censoring jerks can do, you can do my laundry until the detergent comes out of your stupid ears! Then you can wash dishes while I have your wives clean the apartment and then they'll fix me my dinner! And lastly, you can wash the car on the blacktop outside while I watch! That goes for your dumb turtle, too! With a loofa!" So you see, it was just so great watching you get all worked up over nothing. Heh, I love toying with my readers. And stop sending those *bleep* translations! Topic for tomorrow... hmm. Ok, how about this: what would you do to get a ticket to E3? How low would you sink, how far would you go, who would you bribe, sleep with, or kill to get out there? If this column were a hip morning radio show, we'd have an all expense paid trip for two to give to the most outrageous answer, but all we actually have is the sound of my derisive laughter at how pathetic you are. And in a more serious vein, what exactly is it about E3 that makes you care so much? When you have multiple websites (including us) bending over backwards to tell you all the cool stuff the minute it happens, what do you really miss by not going, aside from free junk, the chance to play game demos, booth babes, and the opportunity to see historic gaming announcements first hand? I mean really, what's the point? Tell me. Later.
-Chris Jones, about to have a showdown with the ultimate voter-decided evil |
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