~Lycaon

I recall you saying that to obtain the position of your arch nemesis one would have to do something truly diabolical like halting the release of Chrono Cross in the US.. I am prepared to go one step further and add insult to injury by having a branch of Squaresoft in the states throw together an "Americanized" Chrono Trigger style game that will be a pale imitation of its predecessor, not to mention CC. The game will be called Evermore Cross and it will be released here in place of Chrono Cross.

How's that?

errm.. I haven't come up with a really cool villains name yet..

The Anti-Import fiend will have to do for now..

You dare to tempt fate and ask me to be your Arch Nemesis? Very well I will give you a sneak preview of the hell that awaits you:

1. I will send you a copy of Chrono Cross but I have sabotaged your Playstation! The game is unplayable so you go to a friends house to play the game but his is broken too! Ah-ha what about Bleem! Your computer will crash. After years of searching you finally find the only working playstation left in the world, you place in your disc and... IT'S SUPERMAN 64 INSTEAD!!!! MUWAHAHAHAHA!

2. You have played for 60 hours and after all your hard work you have just finally beat the final boss of FFIX and just before the ending begins tying up all the loose ends and the one burning question when... POWER SURGE!! The playstation restarts and your memory card is wiped!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

3. I will erase all moogles in FFIX

-Figure Four, God of Gaming Hell

It's time for these sycophants to move over and let the real badasses through.

I'm not going to petition you for a state of mutual hatred and competition; I'm simply going to cut the Gordian knot by throwing down the gauntlet and slapping you like a two-cent whore. From the first day in your lamentable position as Double-Agent, I have conspired to end your pitiable attempt to beguile the gaming community with your ruse as a columnist. Anyone with a vertebrae can patently see that you are a talentless lackey with no insight into anything but your own ass. That's why as your self-proclaimed Arch Nemesis, I'm going to disrupt your transmission of nothingness by destroying the GIA's geosynchronous satellite! Then all of those cyber punks will be without substance, and the gaming community will be halted! Oh, but it doesn't stop there. I'm not only going to attack your profession and livelihood, but you as well! I'll create an unnecessarily complex and foilable plan to ruin your name and put you in a perpetual state of suffering. Then, as the dramatic plan comes to its final stages, I'll turn my head and laugh maniacally so you will be able to defeat me. Next, I'll swear vengeance upon your head as you repair the satellite and put the GIA back online, and we've got a sequel. Those are worth big bucks.

But what about a world-wide crime organization, you ask? I'm just getting started.

Vergada Holdings? I'm sure you've heard of it. London, Kinshasa, Cáceres- arms brokering, mostly. Then you've got Munzidiche- they're in Berlin- with chemicals weapons and toxic waste. Then you've got Ivank Unlimited, Moscow- money laundering to the Eastern block- it goes on and on and on. I'm into everything. DeSoto and DeBolista, Panama, that's a firm that sets up bank accounts for judges all over South America. Huge drug cases, murder, everything. Satisfied?

Super powers?

Ahhh, who needs em'? I've got esoteric references and cryptic riddles. I traded my X-ray vision and super strength for those and an impressive set of Susan B. Anthony coins at the swap meet. A marvelous buy, those coins.

"O, 'tis most sweet, when in one line two crafts directly meet".

Prepare yourself.

Your Arch Nemesis

How's that for an arch nemesis?

OK, so it's not much, but at least it's true, unlike things some other candidates suggested.

Zohar Gilboa

OneWingedAngel

The White Private Dick That's the Sex Machine for All the Chicks

I could offer you the next best thing, though. Being that I have a philosophy degree under my belt, I can offer what no other too-lazy-to-track-you-down arch nemesis could bring to the job: given enough time and space to argue, I can at least convince you really don't exist unless I pay attention to you, i.e., I can at least top Sephiroth.... Certainly not existing will prevent you from playing Chrono Cross, Double Agent....

Now you see why I wouldn't take up the arch nemesis gig, do you? I could do it, but why would anyone want to? I'd be a stereotype, guaranteeing that the rest of the story would be stereotypical as well, i.e., in the best of cases I'd merely be defeated, while in the worst of cases... Of course, I'd win some idolatry, but really, what good is worship these days? I'd rather be an unseen variable working toward obscure ends. Yeah, that's a lot more ominous, and less task intensive. But I digress...

Princess Jemmy

P.S.: I may have abandoned the idea of being your arch nemesis much too soon, but I may sublimate it into the idea of opening the "Ultimecia School for Miscast Villains". Then there's bound to be a sucker who will want to fill the job...

You have low expectations for your arch nemesis. I will not only prevent the release of Chrono Cross, but also shut down Square and Enix and cause any existing copies of their games to melt--except FFMQ and 7th Saga.

For my encore, I'll make you chop down the mightiest tree in the forest . . . with . . . a herring!

Theophrastus

1) I can tie you to a totem pole and let you be *bleeped* relentlessly by all the Pokemon and their trainers.

2) I can turn you (your likeness) into an obscure RPG character for every game released on N64 or Game Boy Color. Or even worse, you can play the role of Hammers vengeful younger brother in a new installment of Xenogears (I am really hopeful for a sequel by the way)

3) I will send square a package that will prevent them for creating games for quite some time (Of course after the release of FFIX). I will live in infamy (for a cool effect insert diabolical laughter here)

Please, as a favor to me, do not forward this letter to any law enforcement agency

*Disclaimer* The comments made above are for entertainment purposes only, if you would like to chat call me at 1-900-333-****
$3.00 the first minute 99 cents each additional minute.

Snakeyezz1 the assassin.

Pathetic. That's the only word I can use to describe the dismal efforts of readers thus far in attempting to acquire the position as your Arch Nemesis. Of(f) course, I cannot simply sit back and watch such weaklings vie for the position. Oh no. So, it is time for my effort. Be prepared, wretched Double Agent!

I know the way to defeat you. It is not tampering with the release schedule of games, nor is it threatening to destroy Square, or to attack your dear freckles; no! It is shock factor my dear Mr. Jones. Eat this!

[Unable to display image]

Haaaaaaa haaaaaa! Yes, I will sent similar pictures of Fabio and others daily until you bow to my whims! Be ready Double Agent, or should I say....errr.....something else! Mwhaaa haaaa haaaa haaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaa HAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHA HAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Justin Freeman

PS. Just for the hell of it, I too will threaten to mess with the gaming industry. I will show both Senator Liberman and Sgt. David Grossman beta versions of Conker's Bad Fur day! The uproar they will cause will bring the industry to its knees, and make sure we never see another game not bearing either a Sesame Street or Barney license! Hehehehehe.... give up, Mr. Jones, you know what I want.

Your soon to be arch nemesis,
Spuzzz

why do you need an arch nemesis, when we all know that the real source of evil is coming from you. the subtle manipulations into the fortified GIA base, the humorous letter columns, the growing number of readers that find your letter responses interesting. well, now i have figured it all out. YOU ARE THE ARCH NEMESIS. it is so simple, i can't believe that it was so elusive for so long. it all makes since, your vy for power as Double Agent, your extermination of all competition (we all know what happened to Moogle Charm, you bastard!), the false modesty about your position. it is all a wicked hoax by you, to take control of the GIA and use it for your own wicked ways. you wanting an arch nemesis indeed - i can see through your ploy. distract the readers while you slowly move into power. this will not happen! we will find a way.

and you thought we would never find out.

herr kahn

1. Disagree with everything he says and does, unless you are trying to trick him.
2. Publicly insult him and outsmart him.
3. Crash his web site on occasion. (too bad i dont know how...)
4. Tell him his work sucks and that he has accomplished nothing with his life.
5. Try to start a column similar to his on an opposing website.
6. Do evil deeds of trickery that no sane man would normally do.
7. Send him pictures of naked men. (BTW, i would never do that. I wouldnt be a be to stand it myself...)
8. Never sympathize with him over the death of close relatives.
9. Send him Junk e-mail.
and..
10.

keep him in suspense.

-Lonely "I may have found my niche in this column" Swedish

P.S. What's this whole arch-nemesis deal anyways?

-Solomon Grundy

-CTZanderman, wishing he hadn't snapped the breast piece for his brand-spankin-new Shenlong Gundam Wing model

Is it still too late to try out for Arch Nemesis? If I threaten your family more, will you add me to the contest?

About this so-called Arch-Nemesis hoop-lah, what makes any of those silly old candidates evil? eh? EH? ARE THEY FRENCH CANADIAN?? I THINK NOT! And if they are, they're doing a poor job of it if I've ever seen one.. See, a real villian wouldn't be so punctual in sending their submission! A real villian would enter late just to spite you and your orderly ways! See, all those other entries disgust me.. "Chrono Cross this, FFIV that.. blah blah!" Well you no what I have to say to that?? I don't care about those games! Using my evil judgement before the fact, I'd say those games aren't worthy to sleep with a three-legged goat! The programmers probably made their mother's demand a refund when they were born they were so hideous.. I don't really know, I'm just gonna do the wretched thing and generalize. But what I do know is that all these pansy whore-munches who think they're evil DON'T HAVE A FREAKIN' CLUE.. Man, is any one of them a school-board member?.. or even worse.. a Tax collector?! ~cringe!~ Well, I would be cringing were I a lay-person such as yourself. Now, I'll get to the point.. there is no point! I'm so evil, I made you waste your time reading this for nothing! HAHAHAAA! I coulda been stealing your nachos while you were wasting your time here, and you'd never even know it. Sucks to be you my freind.. Next time I see you in a bar, I'll be sure to have a drink with you (and leave without paying crap!).. Now run along and have sex with men or something before I am forced to stop being so nice to all of you! You make me sick..

-TheDevilYouKnow

Well.......I....have to go..........my Mom is.....calling me...b,b,but.....don't worry.........I'll....b,b,be...........b,b,b,back...for...you.

The Inferior Priest Omega 5000

And I'll be your archnemesis. And as my first act as your archnemesis, I think you'll be upset when you find out that I screwed your dog and ran over your wife.

-Mikey B.

Having already recieved the majority of your Nemesis...'applicants', posting them up in your happy little column, I'm sure your confidence is at an all time high. After all, having written most of them, I recognize that the piles of baseless threats only serve to reinforce the security of your position. I mean seriously, Americanize CC? Cancel FFIX? Superpowers and crime syndicates? This is ego fodder!

When I noticed your little challenge a short time ago it occured to me that here's a guy who: knows his games, is well read and has some taste, is well employed,and apparently has a life as well... And yet he's asking for trouble. I don't personally have anything against you(in fact I happen to like your column), but you obviously want to spice things up a little, so here's the deal:

I am not asking to be your Arch Nemesis, anyone foolish enough to ask or expect to get 'voted in' is obviously not up to the job. I AM your Arch-Nemesis! You don't know me, we have corresponded often, but you will not be able to divine which writer(s) to your column I represent. You will be struck. You will not be able to guess how, or in what form, but your defences will be pierced, and the realization will come too late that you have no control over the fallout. Only then will my identity(ies) be revealed, and from that day this column will never be the same.

I believe 'The Steve' said that your true Arch Nemesis could only be the one you least suspect. This is incorrect, I will be the instrument of your undoing, whether or not you suspect or resist. Upon my inevitable appearance, the Double Agent column shall face its apocalypse.

Feel free to trace this email address. It is merely one of many vessels, and will yield nothing.

Until my arrival,

Soval the Agent

Some decent contenders up there already. But none of them really struck me as villainous enough for such a job. And since I'm always looking for a way to spread a little misery, I thought I'd toss out my own credentials.

I own a copy of Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest, and have for several years. I don't play it, of course, I just use it to frighten small children. I enjoyed Shadow Madness a lot (Granted, gameplay sucked, but the writing was a nice change. And Pandora's Cauldron is the coolest item ever). I have owned, played, and beaten Alundra 2. And then forced a friend to play it. I have tricked people into playing 7th Saga. I have kicked a puppy. I have made small children, not even the annoying sort, cry. I have been heard to remark that paladins are racist bastards. (It's true, and you know it). I have stated that hypocrisy is only bad in other people. And I have been known to lie whenever the whim strikes me. I speak Latin. I can spell and punctuate correctly.

Despite all this, I am not all bad. I enjoy the finer things in life..Xenogears, CC, Final Fantasy Tactics, Fine novels, good music, and Monty Python. I deny any connection to the PokeMon craze; if I was behind that I'd be rich, and already rule the world. I won't claim to be the ultimate evil, that's just silly. I will claim that I am intelligent, conduct myself with a fair bit of dignity and class, and am needlessly cruel on a regular basis. Hmm..in case I haven't offended whatever christians may be reading this: The bible is not definitive truth. Your ancestors were single celled, slimy, spineless organisms. Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of elderberries. God is a jerk.

I have exceeded the 500 word limit, just to spite you.

Ok, there we go. Talk to ya later, Chris. Gotta get back to Wild ARMS 2.

-He who is longing for an rpg with some challenge.

P.S. I am responsible for John Tesh, Boy Bands, Styx, The Creeping Terror, Rafa, Malak, Pokey, the 64DD, and the thought of Newt Ginrich doing a striptease for you. That is all.

I am your ultimate arch nemesis. I can change events and people around you without you even realising it. How can I do this, why I can travel back in time and change the events which have transpired to make you who you are. Contemplate this, if I so choose to destroy the keen minds who created the chrono series way back when, you will never know that this game ever existed. Why, I may choose to delete 'SQUARE' from history, thus utterly changing your very being. And you will never even know it...

EH

Let me tell you what I'd do. A kidnapping in the middle of the night would be the first thing in order. I'd have my henchmen throw you in the trunk and we would take you to an abandoned wearhouse. Now I'd have them tie you to a cold metal chair and let them give you a good old fashioned beat down. And I mean a beat down. Your going to lose a lot of blood and half your teeth. Don't worry, you wouldn't have got a chance to use them again anyway.

After my men slap you around for a time that a find suitable, then I'll tell them to leave the two of use alone. I'll light myself a smoke and offer you one. It would be rude not to. Then I'd pull out my razorblade. To test how well it cuts through human flesh, I'd slash you across the right side of your face. Then I'll duct tape your mouth. I don't want you trying to bite me or something like that after all. Next, I'd climb on your lap, hold your squirming little head still, and proceed to cut your left ear all the way off. I might mock you a little if I feel like it, you disfigured freak, but I'll probably just go out to the trunk of my car and get the gasoline out. Guess what happens next. I'd cover you with gasoline till your soaking in it. Oh, and I'd take the tape off your mouth so that you can plead to me not to do this. I'd wait till your done whining and then I'd throw a lighted match on you. Bye-bye Mister Double Agent.

Oh, and to add insult to injury, this will take place the night before Chrono Cross comes out in the States. Sleep tight till then.

Mr. Blonde

Not only would I cancel the release of Chrono Cross in America, but I built a time machine for the sole purpose of causing the Japanese version not to have been released. Of course, that would render my CC import nonexistant, but there are some things that must be done, whatever the sacrifices...

I would make X-Box win the console war, quickly becoming the only console from that point until the end of time, and persuade all the good RPG makers to hate Microsoft.

Square will only develop games for the Dreamcast VMU. Final Fantsy XII will be merely 128 KB. And the music will be a series of beeps.

And, we can have our final showdown wherever you want. I, of course, would prefer a long duel with big robots, huge explosions, and those kinds of things. The battle will forever change the face of the Earth. And we can sell the fight as an anime series on 13 DVDs. Want to split the profits?

-Jim Stanfield

So you used Fluffy as a decoy, eh? Ha! If only you knew the truth. Fluffy was not your decoy, Fluffy was MY decoy! I bet your asking yourself "who the hell is this?" Well, my weak friend, I'll tell you. I am no other than...Bill Gates!!!

Don't believe me? Ruff ruffruff ruf! Sound familiar? That's right, it's me, Fluffy! Hahahaha!! I had an animatronic robot impersonate me while I was busy acting under the alias Fluffy. I didn't make that weak commercial, he did. He was the one with Britney Spear's song stuck in his head! You can't even imagine how much you don't know. If ignorance is bliss, then you're on Cloud 9.

Operating as Fluffy, I planted subliminal messages in your sleep tapes (How To Become A Double Agent In 10 Easy Steps) so while you thought that you were learning how to become a Double Agent, you were actually being brainwashed by my messages. Now you will do anything I say as long as I say the secret code word. I have also planted these messages in all Microsoft programs around the world. I now have millions of minions, oblivious to their slavery.

The X-Box will dominate the console race because of these programs. Ha! The X-Box! All it will be is an old Atari 2600 with sprinkles on it. Everyone will buy it and will worship its 100 different versions of Pong as gaming masterpieces. As for stopping the release of Chrono Cross, I will one-up that challenge and buy SquareSoft itself. They will be forced to make sequel after sequel of there new game...Pok¾mog! Battle Square's cutest characters with other trainers to become a Pok¾mog master! HAHAHAHA!!!

"Gilgamesh will protect us!" the masses will scream. Don't make me laugh. That pitiful excuse of doggy poop will be no match against my Lieutenants, who many thought only existed in the twisted minds of the Game Players staff, Gazuga and Coconut Monkey! Of course YOU will put up the greatest fight of all, and our fight will be great with many cool special effects, but even you will succumb to my evil power!!

I shall reign as supreme ruler of Earth for all eternity!! Puny mortal, you can't even imagine the pain that I will inflict upon my enemies!! Not Gates, dear Chris, Microsoft Emperor Gates!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Microsoft Emperor Gates, but you can call me master

Jon

If I were arch nemesir, I wouldn't put people down and I would spread my love margarine around with all the other gamers (except for Breath of Fire gamers, how can they go after the same story over and over again?).

If I were arch nemesir, I would update quickly and report any kind of big story from E3 with the complimentary tickets you gave me.

Thank you very much Chrissy, for considering me.

Hopefully yours,
Imagunabeayouraarchanemesis
(AKA: Lagnalocke)

Akira Toriyama
(Down With Lunar!)

Pendy (that zany, wacky soon to be Arch Nemesis)

--TimeGuardian

Oh yeah, and I have a long sig too. it will be my sidekick.

I have the largest evil empire in the world, known only as the Abyss. You think Bill Gates owns Microsoft? Or that Steve Case is AOL's CEO? Think again. They are mere puppets, and I am the puppetmaster. My strategy is deep, complex, and precise. I aim not to destroy you, but the minds and hearts of all gamers and people in general.

I am the mysterious benefactor behind the DOJ trials. The court system is heavily influenced by me, and when they decide to split up Microsoft, my stocks will increase by tenfold.

Once that happens, I will merge Microsoft with AOL and Time Warner to create the largest media company in the world. I will subsequently buy Cisco with my massive collection of money, and thus control 80% of the Internet's networks as well as Windows, X-Box, AOL, and Time Warner's many entertainment venues. Then my real plan comes into action.

I will assassinate Nintendo's guru, Miyamoto, as well as Sakaguchi, which will bring Nintendo and Square to their knees. Then I will strike the finishing blow to Nintendo by infiltrating their Dolphin plant and bugging every machine, thus taking them out of the business entirely.

Next, since I own most of the Internet, I will cut off Sega's Dreamcast access and choke them until the PS2 wipes them out. Then, since I am also puppetmaster to Sony's top executives, I will bring the PS2 into oblivion by stopping it's release in the U.S. and discontinuing it in Japan.

That leaves just the X-Box to be your gaming system, but it's not over yet. Square, Nintendo, Sony, and all other video game companies will not be allowed to create games for the X-Box. Therefore, the workers will be forced to work for Microsoft to create games that are more addicting than heroine.

Because I have my roots in all areas of entertainment, I will assault all humans by getting them addicted to my television networks, my X-Box, and every other device I can. They will be brainwashed and become my loyal servants, up until the point where I am revered as a god and all follow me. All people shall be equal, and helpless without me.

Heh heh heh heh... You stand no chance, pitiful fools.

- The Mysterious Benefactor

*cue ominous villain music*

Oh, Mr. Jones, how easily you fall into my plans. How little you know that it was I, all along, who manipulated your mind with my powerful Mind Flaying Control to start an Arch Nemesis contest so I could become your ultimate adversary. Too long have I worked behind the scenes by giving you bad traffic for the baseball game and such. (BTW, I plan on moving on that baseball stadium right across from your house, watch for it on Thursday, bud. You will never be able to get your car out of the drive way again.)

*cue wind blowing, anime background, while I display special super fighting moves*

Here I am, residing in my secret chambes in GVA, the Gaming Villainy Agency. From my hallowed halls have graduated Bowser, Wily, Kefka, Ganon, The Backstreet Boys, Dracula and many others. Now it is time for my ascension. First, I have hypnotized Larissa and Kelvin to infiltrate Square and replace all their employees with the guys who supply the Street Fighter and Mega Man sequels at Capcom. (And I bet you wondered where they were too.) Second, I will use my Awesome Powers of Mind Voodoo to make your eyes bleed agonizingly every time I snap my fingers, this will cause you run into the streets in 110 degree weather (which will never end), roll around the concrete naked, while Jigglypuff sings to you and inspire Fabio to come and give you big, wet kisses.

Not only this, but you cannot kill me, for I am immortal, there is no hero or antidote to destroy me, foolish mortal. Even in your afterlife, I will haunt you for your blasphemous Dragon Quest thoughts. During your life, I will inflict you with Daravonese, an excruciatingly painful disease that makes you talk like a really badly translated RPG and give you erotic dreams of Jaleel White (otherwise known as Urkel) _every single night_. Just try to escape me, I have my Ewww, You Suck Pistol filled with potent flames and a massive swarming army of Linkbots ready to serve and destroy.

*cue legions and legions of evil Linkbots behind me*

Bwa ha ha ha ha! Mwaaaaaaaaa haha ha hahahahahhaha!

*cue echo*

Fear me, loathe me, I am the pizza man who delivers your pizza three days later and makes you pay triple for it. I am the neighbor next door who plays the tuba all night. I am the new boss who makes you work overtime in a sweat factory in China without pay. I am the virus that destroys your computer. (I also drink blood from sacrificed kitties and puppies, and supply the world with Baywatch and infomercials.)

-Link's Shadow

Then I'll create a Chrono/Mario Bros. crossover called The Pipes of Time in which Marle and Luigi have a mad, passionate romance, leading to a sequel called Chrono Quest Gaiden (Chrono Mystic Quest US) which will consist of nothing but capturing and training little mushroom-demons to do your evil bidding.

I'll force you to tattoo the image of Lara Croft on your forehead, so that everyone who sees you will scream "My God, what is that THING?"

Finally, I'll create an American TV show based on Brave Fencer Musashi...or as I want to call it, Sword Heroes.

I've told you all my plans. Now I have to kill you.

My regards to your squaw and rugrats,

Lord Itlan the Marginally Delayed.

PS-I have herpes. And I'll give them to you.

We do not make false promises of stopping Crono Cross or Final Fantasy IX, why should we? Then we cant play them either. No, we have the power of thought, we make you wonder just what we are going to do next.

We are also masters of spying on anyone and every one. Attached is a picture of Mr. Chris as he tries to avoid the wrath of Gilgamesh by giving him a flower. What a wuss. Gilgamesh has no need for flowers you idiot. We assure you that this picture is not doctored, and it was not created with the Microsoft Paint program that is standard on all PC's.

Also, now that we think about it, we are masters of the Microsoft Paint program that is standard on all PC's. We will include with some of our E-mails of propaganda and hate (but not on all of them, if we did that, it would become anoying for the reader, who we are trying to turn against the stinky butt we know as "Chris") a picture using the most advance features of the amazing Paint program that you all have on your PC's. We will fully utilize the eraser, brush, fill, and even the wonderful curve!

Yes, all this, plus the fact that we check The GIA every morning after we get off of our mid-might work shift at 6:30, so you know that there is dedication involved.

~Cloud-VII
(Sethiroth)
p.s. We have a split personality.