My mother is a fish - May 5, 2000 - Chris Jones
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of
the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There
is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. This marks the end of
Pretentious Literary References week. Join us next time for Obscure TV References Week!
Don't say we didn't warn you.
Time once again to tell you about something cool that I'm gonna do and you're not. Given
what happened to me last time I
bragged, maybe it's not such a bright idea, but I'm all about not bright ideas. Or
something.
Tonight, after I've (hopefully) made quick work out of putting up this column, I'll be
going over to a friend of a friend's house to see a few DVDs on a digital projector he
borrowed from work. Later in the weekend we'll also be hooking up various console systems
to the projector, including a Dreamcast via a VGA adapter. This gives me the wonderful
prospect of seeing Soul Calibur in perfect clarity on a 110-inch screen. Eat your hearts
out, losers.
Which brings me to the interesting observation that I've gone and shared the social
plans of a bunch of people who don't even know this column exists with thousands of other
people from all over the world. Since borrowing said projector is somewhat of a gray area
thing, I'm sure the host of said viewing party wouldn't appreciate knowing I did this, but
it's near impossible for anyone to trace my column back to him. Groovy.
Onward.
| The saga continues |
| Spending a night in jail is a good way to clear your head. Spending a
night in jail with a muscle-bound man that you threw a snake at is a good way to lose your
head. Sorry for not writing back earlier, but my trip to the gym to try and find other
animal trainers ended in relative disaster. I lost my ant and my fish. Indy ran back home
after I let him out of the backpack, but I managed to keep the snake. I was beaten by a
pack of enraged muscle builders, and the snake didn't bite anyone. The cops took the snake
when they arrived, but it was returned to me upon my getting out.
Anyway, I was stuck in jail for the whole night. In retrospect, using my phone call to
ring up Babbages to see if they had gotten Wild ARMS 2 in instead of calling my parents
probably wasn't such a good idea.
I'm not disheartened, though. Indiana (my dog) will have a leash next time we're
challanged, and I'm training the snake to be ferocious. One problem has arose, which I
have found my way around. Determining who is an animal trainer is not easy, so I have
derived a simple code for us to use. Listen carefully:
1) Spot a likely candidate
2) Lift hand, palm facing you
3) Make a fist, leaving only the middle finger extended
4) If the person returns the gesture, they are also an animal trainer! This means it is
okay to begin your attack! Go get the sucker!
I hope this simple code will help us all in the future. Just be on the lookout for me.
I'll be the guy with the ferocious snake.
-Aaron L.
Animal Trainer |
I've got to admire a man with a dream, even if it is a mentally delusional man with a
genuinely frightening dream.
Still, this does bring up the question of exactly how he'd get badges, who'd give them
to him, and what he'd do with them. On second thought, I don't want to know. But if anyone
does get attacked by a lunatic with a dog and a snake... er, I mean, engage in a Pokemon
battle with Aaron, drop me a line. The more I know about him the further away I can get.
| No, dammit, having fun is not the point! You
gotta be hardcore! |
| Chris, I have to chime in to agree with the guy who said that SOE was
a good game. I, personally, thought it was really fun. I'm not much of an "action
RPG" kind of guy, but I really liked this game for one good reason: I had lots of fun
playing it. Enough said, because that is the whole point, right?
Second, I have to speak up about the difficulty level of the game...um...someone thinks
this game was difficult? Kind of scares me what some people in this country find hard.
Just about *no* RPG is "difficult". Some have tough parts (which make them more
fun in my opinion), which generally have to do with figuring something out (Lufia 2 had a
couple of puzzles that were irritating as hell until I figured them out). However, that
isn't really difficult, and - unless I am totally misreading the guy - the feel I got from
the way the guy said that was inreference to the battles. In that manner, no RPG is hard,
because you just spend another hour leveling and then go kick some monster butt.
Which brings me to my last point. The only games that this seemed to not count in was a
few games like FFT and Lufia 2. FFT because the monsters' level was dependent upon your
own (hell, if you spent time learning all the jobs to master status, the random battles
were harder than the boss ones! 8 or 9 chocobos of various color at level 80 are damn
tough sometimes). Lufia 2 because of the 99 level random dungeon where you started at
level 1 when you entered (a feature I simply *loved*). There are a few other games of
course, but these two popped in my head and I used them as an example.
I hope games get harder, not easier, since the "harder" ones tend to be the
ones you have more fun with, IMHO.
Abazagaroth
P.S. What is the deal with the Parasite Eve movie? There was something on Entertainment
Tonight about 2 months ago about Madonna buying the movie rights to the game, and I was
wondering what the deal was. I hope we don't see a Madonna in the lead role, or even
worse, a movie directly taken from the game, bad science and all. |
I thought a couple of battles in Evermore were fairly hard, but that's probably because
I never level up unless I absolutely have to. Also the battles in question probably
wouldn't have been so tough if I'd been playing proper attention to the alchemy system,
instead of getting elements and learning spells at random.
I'd also like to see RPGs that, if not necessarily harder, don't rely on simple level
superiority to win through. Admittedly, drawing spells nonstop in FF8 had the same effect
as leveling, and mastering a few select skills made for a pretty easy FFT, but at least it
was different from nonstop random battles. Intelligence good, fight fight fight heal bad.
Don't know what the deal is with a Parasite Eve movie, but given that Madonna changes
her persona every three days she's probably not interested anymore, so the project will
quietly rot away. Which is good, since I'd rather see more PE games anyway.
| He did say that, didn't he |
| He said..."testicles"! *Bursts into giggles* ~Ian P. |
Always good to see that one of the pillars this column rests on has such a refined
taste of humor.
| The picture's crystal clear and everything is
magnified |
| Chris, You don't think televisions have high enough resolution to
adequately display sweat? You're obviously not a sports fan. Anyone who's seen Shaq
drenched in glistening perspiration at the free throw line wouldn't draw your conclusion.
Or how about the movie "Mission: Impossible?" Does the bead of sweat which drips
from Tom Cruise's brow disappear on the televised version?
At any rate, I'm looking forward to Conker's BFD solely because Rare makes quality
games. It doesn't strike me as very outrageous, however. Mortal Kombat was easily as
violent. Abe's Oddyssey was cartoonish, but with lots of grisly deaths (and farting.) The
Resident Evil series is awash in gore. Even Castlevania: SOTN has its fair share of
enemies exploding in cascades of blood, and that's a 2D platformer. Plus, from what I've
heard, the profanities in Conker's BFD will be bleeped, and no real nudity will be shown.
In that sense, it sounds no more offensive than the South Park game, which was already
released on the N64.
Yeah, it's from Rare, and yeah it's on a Nintendo system, which is kind of weird. But I
didn't see anything in the trailer which was all that extraordinary, comparatively
speaking.
--Nick |
The profanity's bleeped out? What the *bleep*? I'll tell you what you censoring *bleep*
can do, you can *bleep* my *bleep* until the *bleep* comes out of your *bleep* ears! Then
you can *bleep* *bleep* while I *bleep* your wives *bleep* the *bleep* and then they'll
*bleep* me *bleep* *bleep*! And lastly, you can *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* on the *bleep*
*bleep* while *bleep* *bleep*! That goes for your *bleep* turtle, too! With a loofa!
Good point about the sweat, I should have remembered that about sports players.
| Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom! |
| So we're allowed to discuss any topic? Score! My topic of choice is
simply this, magazines that don't focus on videogames should not do reports on videogames.
It just never ceases to infuriate me when Entertainment Weekly tries to do an expose on
Final Fantasy (well the FF movie but the do talk about the games) and when they line up
the screen shots to show graphical improvement they show in game shots for FFI to FFVII
but for FFVIII they show an FMV shot. Or when wizard, god bless that magazine, actually
says that Final Fantasy VIII is a better game then all other Final Fantasys. OK magazine
publishers listen up, "Stick to what you know!!! When you print an article most of
the time you just piss off the gaming community."
On a final note the reason why Conkers BFD has caught my attention is because it was
originally supposed to be cutesy Rare platformer and now... well testicle jokes.
-Figure Four |
On the other hand, I'd tend to think any kind of exposure for games (other than
"Xenogears caused my son to worship Satan!") is good exposure. If a pretty FMV
shot causes someone to go out and play FF8 and they become addicted to RPGs, that's good
for us. Being mildly irritated by idiot writers is a small price to pay.
And it's not just get games - look at the plot synopsis in a review for a lot of movies
and books and you'll see some glaring factual errors, often from well known critics. It
happens, deal with it.
| Bad idea. Real bad idea. |
| Chris I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!!
Don't send a shred of email over the weekend! If you do, all of us potential Arch
Nemesis will hunt you down like the dog you are and show you why we deserve the title
"Arch Nemesis"!!
Agent X "making fists of destruction"
P.S. Vote for me ;) |
I'm printing this precisely because I figured someone would come up with the idea. DO
NOT NOT send email. Er, that is to say, DO send email. If AK doesn't get his usual quota
of mail, then nobody gets their Arch Nemesis application printed, and I mean it. If no
opportunity to put one in place of the column comes up soon, I'll just do it anyway as a
side project.
Still, suggesting that was pretty evil. One point for you, Agent X.
| Yeah, I never post your letters, so take a
freakin' hint! (Kidding! Just kidding!) |
| Chris, Hey. You've never posted a single one of my letters, so please
hear me out on this one.
This is a plea for support on the upcomming music CD, Project: Majestic Mix. You've
probably heard of it (the GIA has done a special feature and interview before) but I'll
give those who don't know about it a brief rundown: It's an effort on the part of Mr.
Stephen Kennedy (of Kennedy Family Sight and Sound) to take the compositions of Nobuo
Uematsu, and turn them into music performed by real people in a variety of styles.
In other words, an arranged album done by fans of Final Fantasy. This is a huge
project, and a very very exciting one. But to accomplish it, guess what? They need
funding. They're only 50% toward their goal... but if there was only 1 person for every
Final Fantasy VIII game sold that donated, this CD could be made several times over.
So all I really have to say is this: if you consider yourself a true fan of Final
Fantasy, or even the slightest fan of it's music, you'll post this email, visit the site (http://www.kfssstudios.com), join the list, and make a
donation.
That is all.
---Anthony James Larrea |
We did already cover this, but it doesn't hurt to post a reminder. I'm not gonna tell
anyone to do anything, but like he says, take a minute to check out the site, and make
your own call and send what you feel is appropriate.
| And I bid 39 bucks, dammit |
| Yo Chris, I'm happy because I just won the Chrono Cross art book on
ebay for 40 bucks. I'm still a little miffed that I had to pay 200 for Xenogears: Perfect
Works, but that's okay. My tip to all of the fans, go to ebay now, now that Chrono Cross
has passed in Japan and hasn't arrived here yet...
Anyway, about the Arch Nemesis contest, you should know, anyone trying to be your enemy
clearly can't be one, it always has to be the one you least suspect...or anyone that wears
Pokemon shirts to school...that just ain't right.
I, like probably many other people, will rent Conker's BFD, but not buy it. I didn't
even buy DK...I'm not a big fan of those types of games, but Conker's has made me
interested through its horrible nature...
--The Steve |
Congrats on your purchase. Let us know if there are any interesting design notes or
pictures in there.
Good call on the Arch Nemesis thing. Most entries so far are about what you'd expect:
young, extra-intelligent asocial males with something to prove. And it's not that hard to
spot their evil intent and prepare for it ahead of time. What's really called for is
someone I'd never see coming, like a cute, bubble-headed sorority girl who doesn't even
seem to know what a Playstation is. And then the moment my back is turned, POW! She steals
my copy of FFT and reprograms Super Metroid to play like E.T. on the 2600.
Applicants, take note.
| Same old, same old game |
| From the 5/04/00 column: "In both cases there's a solid minority
who have actual taste. And according to Japanese sales figures, the original Saga Frontier
was very popular, but if this was actually the case, why did Square do a total redesign
for SF2?"
Actually Square didn't do a redesign. The SaGa Frontier games correspond with their
Romancing SaGa equal. The original Romancing SaGa had you pick a character and you played
his/her quest and his/her quest overlapped with the other characters' quest. What does
SaGa Frontier do? The same thing except with more characters. Romancing SaGa 2,
universally considered the best video game ever crafted by Square among Japanese hardcore
gamer circles, was set in a fantasy medievel/european setting. You started out as a king
who has to conquer some monster kingdoms that are threatening your own kingdom, and then
the king dies and you continue the game as his son or daughter, and you can build up
armies that span generations, whom pass their skills down to the next. What does SaGa
Frontier 2 do? Well it keeps the european setting and the storyline is different, but the
generations system is in-tact as is the family tree mold. The key SaGa gameplay is the
same.
I would expect SaGa Frontier 3 to be the same as Romancing SaGa 3. Romancing SaGa 3 was
a single storyline but could be told from different perspectives of several characters.
You picked a character and saw that storyline from his/her eyes.
Here's to hoping that Square hasn't canned the SaGa series though...
Oh, and saying SaGa Frontier is popular in Japan because of sales figures is incorrect.
The game is popular universally in Japan, it doesn't have any hardcore crusty adult
critics who think it's a crappy game. Hardcore and casual alike love SaGa Frontier. So the
game isn't something like Nsync, which is revered by pre-teen girls everywhere, but
abhorred by anyone over the age of 18.
Desmond Gaban (since you asked for it!) |
Sounds somewhat suspect to me. I've never played the Romancing Saga games, so I can't
dispute your claim of parallelism, but SF2 felt less like a generational game to me than a
single story emerging out of many separate events, like a pointillist drawing.
On the other hand, you've gone and put yourself out on the line by making a prediction
based on your theory, and I have to respect that. I guess we'll see what happens if and
when SF3 is released.
Again, can't dispute you as to what the Japanese actually think of SF1, but even
conceding that they really do like it, nothing changes. The game still lacks coherency
(which SF2 improves on) a solid-feeling battle system (which SF2 has) and clearly defined
goals (which SF2 consists entirely of). If that makes me a dumbass American gamer, so be
it.
| Defeat all 7 Endless for a final showdown with
Dr. Wily! |
| Heh heh...a South Park-ey RPG...no, I don't want to even think about the
possibility. But a Watchmenesque game sets my hurt all a-flutter...heh, while we're
talking on the comics-to-games thing, how about a Sandman game? I think the whole
world-in-a-world-in-a-world thing would work pretty damascus good in a game, tho I can see
a few problems with turning it to an RPG. Oh yeah...d'ya remember those Mario Bros. and
Zelda fruit snack things they used to sell? And there was this cereal, too, one half was
Mario cereal and the other half was Zelda cereal? Gods, those were. Cool. Beyond. Belief.
-The Paradox Penguin
I can telekinetically manipulate artificial grape flavoring...fear me |
As much as I'd like to see a Sandman game, I'd be afraid to let one actually go into
development for fear it'd turn in to what I've suggested above. And don't think I'm
exaggerating, take a look at what Sandman might have turned into at
the movies.
I thought Nintendo cereal was incredibly dumb at the time, and I still do. Nonetheless,
I'd like to get my hands on a few boxes because I suspect they'll go for plenty once the
Nintendo generation hits middle age and wants to relive their lost youth.
Closing Comments:
AK is comin' at ya, so send him lots of letters. I mean it. See you Monday.
-Chris Jones, Ivy's so... big... |
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