Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. You smell purty. Don't say we didn't warn you.

There are a lot of things I hate. I hate people who feel that pointing to the year 2001 as the beginning of the next millennium somehow makes them intellectually superior to the other members of society whom they see as a blithering masses of unknowing fools, so stupid as to go out and celebrate the passing of the year despite it having no true significance. These people will usually go on to make the astute observation that even if it were the new millenium, it would only be significant to the Gregorian calendar, just in case you still had any doubt that they were mental giants by this point. Apparently the fact that everyone just wants a good excuse to get piss-drunk and screw eludes their brilliant minds.

I hate marketing majors in general. They will one day be members of a group that thinks placing talking Chihuahuas and dancing polar bears into commercials will somehow disguise the fact that it's still sales propaganda. You know, all of us laymen lacking in perception will fail to notice the cleverly subtle persuasive techniques at play because we're too busy drooling on ourselves while laughing at the absurdity of a zany dog with attitude. I also hate people who never cease whining about humanity and how idiotic the majority of it is. Hell, I bitch more than most people, but I focus my constant stream of sarcasm on dumb actions rather than those committing them. After all, if we were all geniuses with excellent self-esteem and a sharp wit, there would be no one to clean apartments in the nude or leap out of oversized birthday cakes.

However, if there's anything that I really hate, it's being unable to think of anything noteworthy to mention in these opening paragraphs. I guess I'll just get over it and move along.

Point well made, Malika. However, there is an explanation to that. You see, the staff is currently debating whether we should change the release date to read "2000" or "Who the hell cares?" When we've come to some form of agreement, we'll be sure to update that page accordingly. I speak on behalf of the entire crew when I say that your astute readership is appreciated. Should you notice any other errors on our part, please don't hesitate to let us know.

Hey, it's not like Bernie could possibly give Mattel Interactive a more tarnished image than it already has. At this point, people expect Mattel to do something along the lines of keeping the name "Wonderswan" for the gadget and releasing a neon-pink "for girls" version of it. Even if Bernie Stolar went with his inner-feelings, and centered the handheld's advertising campaign around the slogan, "Screw You, Sega, I Gave You Some of My Best Years," it would still be a step up from current expectations.

In a way, I feel a bit sorry for Mister Stolar -- he's sort of like the gaming industry's Charlie Brown. Everything he attempts winds up becoming a major disaster, leading to shouts of "you blockhead" on the part of whatever company he happens to be working for at the time. I might even feel a bit guilty about insulting him if he weren't in some way responsible for the horrendous Dreamcast television commercials. They become quite irksome when I'm trying to watch MTV so that I can be told what "cool" is this week and why I'm not it.

Unfortunately, The GIA does not currently cover amateur or "Yaroze" games and coding projects. Although the concept of an Indiana-Jones inspired trek through various catacombs does sound interesting, and the development team has managed to render a fairly impressive female-like protagonist using the freeware program POV-Ray, the franchise simply does not fall under our umbrella of coverage. Thanks for taking the time to write in, and we at The GIA hope that you enjoy our other news and information.

I suppose that I'm not much longer for this world, that being the case. I expect that my death will long be rumored a hoax, and a few years from now Jim Carrey will star in an entertaining pseudo-documentary of my life. If not, I'll continue to haunt each and every one of you. And, trust me, I'll be a really annoying ghost, too. I'll be the type that knocks pictures from the wall, pisses in your coffee, and recites lines from Monty Python movies in a whisper into your ear as you sleep.

Sadly, the gaming community was unavailable for comment regarding the situation, although I was able to get this quote from a Geocities videogame web page: "Hey there...sorry I just register 4 this site. It's 9/9/99 today and I haven't start on it yet...Sorry 4 da inconvience. Well? 2 give you da 411 on this page, it's just going to be about me and a place where mah friends can meet up and relate. Also I'm hoping to make sum friends along da way as peeps stop on by. Well? besides that...that pretty much it. Pleez come back sum day, I would really appreciate ur support. Thanx and lots ov luv goin' out 2 ya!!!" I believe this speaks volumes.

Since you had to bring it up like a silly fellow, Ian, I'm going to take this moment to speak about the intended purpose of the specified topics. When I first began to select a topic each day, I did it for two basic reasons. For one thing, I'm neither creative nor intelligent enough a person to think of something that's both witty and carrying a sense of disclosure with which to wind up every column. Thanks to the topics, I always have something to prattle on about down there. Secondly, by giving people something to talk about, I reduce the number of asinine letters received and keep readers participating.

However, just because I've come up with some form of topic does not mean that you have to focus your letter on it. You can write to me about whatever the hell happens to be on your mind at the time, and it will be subjected to the same criteria as every other email I get. The topic is a fall-back for the days when you have no burning questions to ask or strong opinions to express, and that's all. I hope that we're all clear on this now.

Dear Katarac: due to the fact that it is entirely inane and about as funny as getting your entire head slammed in a car door, I have decided that your letter is not worth the time and effort that would go into typing a reply. Rather, I decided to dictate my response into a voice-recognition apparatus, and below you will find the result.

Who our Anne Indian. The smack dad blue wood Ivan go sew fur ass two waist my chime with this [Unrecognized word or term. Try repeating your word again slowly, or perhaps using a synonym or an alternate phraseology.] car lodge bakes me rubble wit rage. Hey dew four ever rotten Hell blue loose err.

Allowing the tinny cacophony found in so-called "interactive entertainment" to be represented in the Grammy Awards ceremony would be both a mockery and a desecration of a beloved American institution. Running further with this logic, I suppose that we should also include car alarms, animal calls, and the rings of these portable "cellular phones" to be considered music as well. Frankly, I am appalled by the apathy and complete lack of reverence towards events such as the Grammy Awards prevalent in modern American society. Voting has become a triviality in the mind of the average American, and now it would seem that the proper praise and admiration formerly reserved for quality entertainment has been relegated to the same level as this "Pac Man." I, for one, simply will not have it, and I pray that this fad will pass just as quickly as the laughable British "phenomenon" once known as "Beatlemania" did.

I'm pretty sure that this viewpoint and the inevitable debate to follow it has come up previously in the column. But hey, there are those now reading who are relatively new to the world of Double Agent, so who am I to deny these people of such a juicy topic? And for those of you who have seen this before, nobody's sticking a gun to your head and making you write a letter in rebuttal, so quit your whining.

That's simply not true, my friend. I may be a bit cantankerous at times, but I'm not without my passions in life. Such as taking in the beauty of the world about me as I'm being swung to and fro on my hammock by my many male suitors. Or running with childish abandon through fields of daisies and marigold while singing pleasant tunes taught to be by the mariners at the docks. Sadly, these are not easily translated into the column.

However, I could certainly be worse. I could base all of the opinions that I so gleefully force down your throats upon my own towering stupidity, like this guy.

Closing Comments:

All of that discussion about topics has left me feeling drained. Nope, I've got nothing for you. That's it, just write about whatever you see fit. Go ahead now, let your rampant creativity run wild, picking off the sick and weak thoughts meandering about your head. As for me, I'm off for now, and I'll see you crazy folks tomorrow.

-Drew Cosner