The Northern Crater - Weird Crap - Song Parodies

	¤ Serious Fics ¤ Silly Fics ¤ Weird Crap ¤ My new theme for Sephiroth ¤ Seph, Seph, Baby ¤ U Can't Touch Seph Why Don't You Get a Life? ¤ 99 Potions that Cure on the Wall ¤ Seifer Jenova Defective ¤ Hey Mr. Daravon Man ¤ The Real Cloud Strife We Didn't Start the Spoilers I have no idea what inspired this bit of stupidity in me, but oh well... Tonight at work I started thinking about how all the girls out there on the net seem to find Sephiroth nearly as attractive as I do (wink wink) and I was thinking about his theme music, and how it's really creepy. But creepy really isn't the way most of us see him! He's this incredibly hot sexy guy, not some kind of monster... So I started thinking up a new theme song for him (other than the one I had previously, which was basically One Winged Angel except I changed "Sephiroth" to "Sephi-chan" - okay, so it's not very original) and came up with the following takeoff to show our true feelings about this awesome guy (and you will see why it's in the "Weird Crap" section). My NEW Sephy Theme Song! Sung/spoken/whatever to the tune of none other than Shaft: Who's that black-caped son of Hojo, who's the love god of all bishoujo? Seph! Who is the man who wants to steal the Promised Land? Seph! Who's the angel with one wing, wants to destroy everything? Seph! I hear that cat Seph's one hot mutha- Shut yo mouth! I'm just talkin 'bout Seph! Then we can dig it! He's an anti-social man and no one understands him but Jenova... My Seph! Okay, sorry about that, like I said, I have no clue what brought that on... so anyway... This has got to be the weirdest FFVII parody song since my Shaft parody above. This one comes courtesy of Robert Silvers, who is the only person I've so far met who is as dementedly obsessed with Sephiroth as I am. Though his areas of obsession are... slightly different than mine. ^_^;; Anyway, this is just plain scary. Now appearing at airports across the country (Yes, Rob actually said that!)... Seph, Seph, Baby by Grandmaster Seph and the RobMan Rob: Yo, Seph, let's kick it! Bring in da funk! Bring in da noize! Seph: Bring in da funk AND da noize! Seph, Seph, Baby! Seph, Seph, Baby! Rob: All right, stop! Bow down and listen! The Man is back with brand new intentions... Seph: Masamune... I hold onto it tightly. Rob: As you beat AVALANCHE daily and nightly. Will you ever stop? Seph: Heck no, 'Cuz just like Mako... I glow! To the extreme I swing my sword like a vandal... Rob: Lightin' up Nibel and waxing Cloud like a candle. Seph: Fight! Omnislash Jenova who looms... Killin' your Planet like SuperNova or Doom... Deadly, when I swing Masamune with accuracy... Rob: Anything less than that is pathetically. Seph: Fighting, and killing, You better gain way. Rob: And you better not step 'Cuz The Man don't play. Seph: If there is Lifestream, Yo, I'll absorb it. Now check out Masa while the RobMan revolves it. Seph, Seph, Baby J-E-N-O-V-A! Seph, Seph, Baby J-E-N-O-V-A! Seph, Seph, Baby J-E-N-O-V-A! Seph, Seph, Baby J-E-N-O-V-A! Rob: Now that the party is jumpin'. Seph: SuperNova's comin' down and Cloud's heart is pumpin'. Rob: Quick to the point and the point no playin'... Seph: Mercy's the word that you're gonna be sayin'... Toastin' them... like so much lumber... Rob: Cloud's goin' crazy beggin' for a number. Seph: He hears... One-Winged Angel's got a souped-up tempo, I'm on a roll. Rob: Time to call Meteor! Seph: Rollin'... with my five dumb clones... Rob: But the RobMan's here so you ain't alone. Seph: Yuffie, Tifa and Aeris... Rob: Look so happy 'cuz they're waitin' just to see us. Should we stop? Seph: No. We'll just drive by. I'll keep on pursuing to the next, Rob: Bust a left, and we'll take down President Shinra. Seph: Shinra's dead. Yo, so let's go to A1A Midgar Avenue! Rob: These girls are hot wearing less than bikinis... And there goes Corneo getting beat silly. Seph: Jealous, 'cuz I'm becoming a god. Rob: I got Eternal Heaven and Seph's got his sword, Ready for the chumps at the Wall... Seph: The chumps runnin' quick 'cuz the Honey Bee called. Rob: Gunshots... rang out like a bell. Seph: Dyne's in town. Rob: Let's run like hell. Bodies fallin' on the concrete real fast, Seph: I grab Masamune and drop this chump like the last. Rob: Let's just jump in the car and get outta here fast. Seph: Bumper to bumper this message board's packed... Rob: All these newbies readin' Fritz Fraundorf's FAQs... Seph: If there's a problem, Yo, I can solve it. Check out Eternal Heaven while the RobMan revolves it. Seph, Seph, Baby J-E-N-O-V-A! Seph, Seph, Baby J-E-N-O-V-A! Seph, Seph, Baby J-E-N-O-V-A! Seph, Seph, Baby J-E-N-O-V-A! Seph: Take heed, 'cuz I'm a SOLDIER and a poet. Rob: And Midgar's his scene in case you didn't know it. Seph: My town, that created all these clones around. Enough to shake and call a Meteor down. 'Cause my style's like a Mako spill... Rob: Kick-ass swordplay and magic you can feel. Seph: Skills and forms... Rob: It's a helluva concept... Seph: My sword is sharp, so you want to step with this. RobMan lays in the shade. Rob: Seph slices like a ninja, And cuts like a razor-blade, so fast... Kefka and Zeromus say, "Damn!" Seph: If Magus was an Esper I'd give him to the clown. I keep my composure while Cloud cuts loose... Rob: Magnetized by Masa when you cook his goose. Seph: If there's a problem, You know I'll solve it. Check out Eternal Heaven while the RobMan revolves it. Seph, Seph, Baby J-E-N-O-V-A! Seph, Seph, Baby J-E-N-O-V-A! Seph, Seph, Baby J-E-N-O-V-A! Seph, Seph, Baby Sephiroth! Rob: Yo, Seph, let's get out of here! Cloud, word to your mother! Seph, Seph, Baby Too cold... too cold... Seph, Seph, Baby Too cold... too cold... Seph, Seph, Baby Too cold... too cold... Seph, Seph, Baby Soo cool... soo cool... Rob: Was that enough funk? Was that enough noize? Seph: That was enough funk AND noize! And they thought One-Winged Angel rocked! Rob: Oh, Magic 8 Ball of Doom, is a tour in our future? Seph drop? Seph: I guess I'd better apologize to Aeris. Rob: Let's blow this popsicle stand. Ellcrys again... just a final note: if you happen to see two guys rapping in an airport, one of which happens to be carrying a really huge sword... uhm... you might want to change airlines. Shinra doesn't have a real good history with keeping their aircraft aloft... just look at the Gelnika! ;) Holy [Cid Highwind]! What's Rob been smoking? Here's another incredibly frightening parody from Robert Silvers... and again, I must remind you, "this guy are sick." U Can't Touch Seph by Grandmaster Seph and the RobMan Rob: A shout-out to all my homies in the hiz-ouse! Seph: Who, me? Rob: Oh, we rowdy-rowdy and bawdy-bawdy! U can't touch Seph U can't touch Seph U can't touch Seph U can't touch Seph Seph: My-my-my-my... Rob: U can't touch Seph... Seph: Masa hits you, it's my sword... Rob: Makes me say, "Oh my Lord!" Seph: "Thank you, for blessing me... With looks to kill and a sword six feet!" Rob: It feels good... When you know you're not cloned. Seph: A superdope SOLDIER-boy from Midgartown, And I'm known as such. Rob: And these are skillz-uh! U can't touch Seph! Seph: I told you, SOLDIER-boy... Rob: U can't touch Seph. Seph: Yeah, that's what I'm sayin' and you know... Rob: U can't touch Seph. Seph: Look at these Mako eyes, man... Rob: U can't touch Seph. Seph: Yo, let me bust my Masamune... Rob: U can't touch Seph. Seph: Long, sharp sword, like a lance... Rob: He's got it like that and now you know you wanna dance... Seph: So, move outta your seat... Rob: And kick back as you catch his feats. Seph: While I'm rollin'... Rob: Hold on... Seph: Slice a little bit and let 'em know what's goin' on. Rob: Like that? Seph: Like that. SOLDIER on a mission so step on back. Rob: Let 'em know that Seph's too much... Seph: And I've got skillz... Rob: Ya can't touch. Seph: Yo, I told you... Rob: U can't touch Seph. Seph: Why are you standing around, man? Rob: U can't touch Seph. Seph: Sound the bells, 'cuz school is in, my man. Rob: U can't touch Seph. Seph: Give me a sword and a rhythm... Rob: Makin' 'em sweat... Seph: That's what I'm givin' 'em. Now they know... Rob: When they talk about the Seph, they're talking about a show. Seph: I'm hyped and tight. Rob: Other SOLDIERs are sweatin' so pass them a wipe. Seph: Or a bokken to learn... Rob: What it's going to take in Midgar... Seph: To burn 'em hard legit. Rob: They'd better work hard or they might as well quit. Seph: That's the word, because you know... Rob: U can't touch Seph. U can't touch Seph. Seph: Burn... er, I mean, break it down. Rob: Stop... Sephy time! Seph: Go with the flow, It is said. Rob: If they ain't got skillz like this... Seph: Then they're probably dead. Rob: So wave your hands in the air! Seph: Swing that sword and run your fingers through your looooong, silvery hair... Rob: This is it for a winner... Seph: Work like us and you're gonna get thinner. Rob: Move, swing a sword faster than a lump... Seph: Just for a minute, stop bein' a chump. Rob: Chump, chump, chump... Seph: Yeah, 'cuz you can't touch Seph. Rob: Look, man, you can't touch Seph. Seph: You better get hyped... Rob: Yeah, boy, because you know you just can't... U can't touch Seph. Seph: Ring the bell, 'cuz school's back in. Rob: Break it down. Stop. Sephy time. U can't touch Seph. U can't touch Seph. U can't touch Seph. U can't touch Seph. Seph: Break it down. Rob: Stop. Sephy time. Seph: Every time you see me... Sephy's just so hyped. Rob: 'Cuz you've got skillz on the floor... Seph: And we be magic on the mike. Now why would we ever, Stop doin' this? Rob: When others be makin' records, That just can't hit. Seph: We've toured around the world, From Midgar to Cosmo... Rob: It's Sephy, go Sephy, hey Sephy, yo Sephy... Seph: And some folks just don't know. Rob: Can't touch Seph. U can't touch Seph. U can't touch Seph. U can't touch Seph. Seph: Yeah, yeah, yeah, awwwwwww yyyyyeah... Rob: U can't touch Seph. Seph: We done told you... Rob: U can't touch Seph. Seph: Too hype. Rob: U can't touch Seph. Seph: Yo, we outta here... Rob: U can't touch Seph. Rob: We be the funk, and we be the noize. Seph: We be the funk AND the noize! Rob: Is it world tour time? Seph: You know it. Another note from Ellcrys here... he's told me what he wants to parody next. Be afraid. Very, very afraid. Here's another really bizarre parody from Robert Silvers! Hey, at least this one's of a SONG. ;) I'm glad he parodies for the forces of good, rather than evil... O_o;; Why Don't You Get A Life? by Grandmaster Seph and the RobMan Rob: Hey, Seph, what's up? Seph: Just listening to Cloud whining for three hours on the phone. Rob: Huh? Seph: Cloud's got a girlfriend, man, he hates that chick. Rob: He tells us everyday. Seph: He says, "Seph I really gotta lose my chick, In the worst kind of way." Rob: Aeris sits safe and pretty... Seph: He works his hands to the bone... Rob: He uses "Cover" every day. Seph: But she doesn't want to cure, just to sit at home... Rob: Well, Cloud, ya got to say, I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way... Why don't you get a life? Seph: Say no way, say no way, no way... Why don't you get a life? Rob: I guess all his materia, well it isn't enough, To keep Yuffie's father at bay. Seph: I guess all his materia, well it isn't enough, 'Cause that girl takes his materia away. I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way... Why don't you get a life? Rob: Say no way, say no way, no way... Why don't you get a life? Well I guess it ain't easy fightin' nothing at all. Seph: But, hey man, free rides don't come along... Both: Every day... Seph: Let me tell you about Tifa now... My friend's got a boyfriend, man she hates that freak, She tells me every day. He wants a number from Doctor Hojo... Rob: Well, Tifa, ya got to say, I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way... Why don't you get a life? Seph: Say no way, say no way, no way... Why doesn't Cloud get a life? Both: I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way... Why don't you get a life? Say no way, say no way, no way... Why don't you get a life? Rob: That sounds bad. How do you deal with all these messed-up people? Seph: Two words: answering machine. Ever wanted to show off your geekiness by singing of your video game obsessions in the car? Of course not! But now you can anyway, with these parodies of the classic "long trip" song, revised with more interesting, FF-related lyrics! FF1 version 99 potions that cure on the wall! 99 potions that cure... Try to be brave Inside the Marsh Cave 98 potions that cure on the wall! etc, etc FF4 version 99 crystalline shards on the wall! 99 crystalline shards... Give one to Kain When he goes insane 98 crystalline shards on the wall! etc, etc FF6 version 99 scraps of dried meat on the wall! 99 scraps of dried meat... Take Mr. Thou Give it to Gau 98 scraps of dried meat on the wall! etc, etc FF7 version 99 glowing materia balls! 99 magical spheres... Take one out Cast it about 98 glowing materia balls! etc, etc Sung(?) to the beat of TMBG's "Spider", this one contains a couple minor FFVIII spoilers... Seifer Selphie: Ladies and gentlemen...! Fujin: SEIFER. Edea & Ultimecia: He is our hero. Fujin: SEIFER. Squall: Whatever... Fujin: SEIFER. Zell: #$&% YOU, SEIFERRRRRR!! Fujin: SEIFER. Raijin: We love you, Seifer! Ya know...? (pause) Rinoa: I promise... if you come here... I'll be waiting for you. Squall: (What did that have to do with...) Fujin: SEIFER! (horn section) Fujin: SEIFER. Raijin: We love you, Seifer! Fujin: SEIFER. Squall: Whatever... Fujin: SEIFER. Zell: SHUT... UP...! Fujin: SEIFER. Edea & Ultimecia: He is our hero. Raijin: Ya know....? Another TMBG/FF7 parody! This one is by GameCat, and should be popular with the Cloud-haters. ;) Sung to the tune of "(She Was a) Hotel Detective"... Jenova Defective He's got a hairdo that's tall, and he's taking the falls. If there's a reunion, boy... forget about it! 'Cause he's a... Jenova defective! (a little...) Jenova defective! (Yes he's a!...) Jenova defective! Why don'cha... check him out! Well his girlfriend is busty, and he's got seven flunkies. If there's a crater to storm, boy... forget about it! 'Cause he's a... Jenova defective! (m' little...) Jenova defective! (YEAAH!) Jenova defective! C'mon and... check him out! [Guitar dogfight] He's Hojo's big disgrace, He's on a Sephy chase... Forget about it! 'Cause he's a... Jenova defective! (m' little...) Jenova defective! (C'mon hurgh...) Jenova defective! Why don'cha... check him out! (A Jenova defective!) He's easy to defeat! (Jenova defective!) Hangs out at Honeybee! (Jenova defective!) Almost as strong as a flea! (Jenova defective!) We all know Sephy owns you, ah ha ha ha ha ha haa! [final guitar riff] There probably aren't too many other gaming fans out there who listen to Bob Dylan, but hey - just in case there's someone out there who can appreciate it... Hey Mr. Daravon Man Hey, Mr. Daravon man, translate this for me I can't read it, and there is no way I'm going to Hey, Mr. Daravon man, translate this for me And the gamers 'round the world will be laughin' at you Though I know that someone somewhere didn't do a real good job, This game's a gift from God Despite the very odd localization The awkwardness amuses me, I'm laughing really hard It caught me off my guard Not unlike the spoony bard and his translation Hey, Mr. Daravon man, translate this for me I can't read it, and there is no way I'm going to Hey, Mr. Daravon man, translate this for me And the gamers 'round the world will be laughin' at you Take me to a pub where I can find myself a flub If this was a fansub, the makers would be snubbed Thank god it's not a dub To hear these lines out loud would just be frightening I'm ready for a mispelled name, I'm ready for to say Perhaps "this is the way", or "I opened it with faith" You sure did really blunder it Hey, Mr. Daravon man, translate this for me I can't read it, and there is no way I'm going to Hey, Mr. Daravon man, translate this for me And the gamers 'round the world will be laughin' at you Though there may not be much front-line, fighting experience that you've shown It's not something that you've known, you're content to stay at home And give lectures that are long and very boring And if you hear vague rumbles or growls from behind While you speak what's on your mind, to the newly recruited kind I wouldn't pay it any mind It's just the sound of several of your students snoring Hey, Mr. Daravon man, translate this for me I can't read it, and there is no way I'm going to Hey, Mr. Daravon man, translate this for me And the gamers 'round the world will be laughin' at you Then take me through the tutorial, which makes me want to cry Wonder why I even try - "If you know, you can foresee" And "'Learn' learns ability", those just make no sense to me Though I love FFT, I'm filled with sorrow Yes, to understand the words you speak of "items to be used" It just makes me feel confused, now I'm throwing up my hands Cause I'm feeling so ashamed, and it's you that can be blamed I'll try to figure out this game again tomorrow Hey, Mr. Daravon man, translate this for me I can't read it, and there's still no way I'm going to Hey, Mr. Daravon man, translate this for me And the gamers 'round the world will be laughin' at you Uh oh! Rob's back with a vengeance... here's another FF7 remake of a hideously annoying rap song! Buy their new album! Or something. And don't pay any attention to those tabloid stories, you know you can't believe you read in those anyway. :D The Real Cloud Strife by Grandmaster Seph and the Robman (Guest-starring Cloud Strife, Tifa Lockheart, and others) Tifa: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please? Will the real Cloud Strife please stand up? I repeat, will the real Cloud Strife please stand up? Sephiroth: We're gonna have a problem here. Rob: Y'all act like you never seen a SOLDIER before, Jaws on the floor, Like Sephy and Cloud just burst through the door, And started messing with his mind worse than before. First he killed Aeris... Seph: Yeah, I just stabbed her... Aeris: ARRRGGGHHH!!! Gamer: "Awww, wait, no wait, you're kidding, He didn't just stab who I think he stabbed, Did he?" Rob: And Dr. Hojo said... Seph: Nothing, folks, he's dead, But not before he locked Vincent in the basement. Rob: Feminist guys love Cloud, Chicka chicka chicka Cloud Strife. Aeris: I'm sick of him, look at him, Walking around, cutting down who knows what, Smilin' at who knows who? Yuffie: Yeah, but he's kinda cute, though. Sephiroth: Yeah, he's definitely got a couple of screws up in his head loose. Rob: No worse than what was goin' on in your parents' bedroom. Seph: Hey! Sometimes I just want to draw the Masamune and let loose. But can't, but it's okay for Cloud to kill a Weapon or two. Cloud: My name is on your lips, my name is on your lips. Seph: And if Cloud's lucky they might just tell him who he is. Rob: This is the message that Square delivers to little kids. Seph: And expects them not to know what the name of Deus in Xenogears is. Rob: Of course they're gonna know what a -Slayer of God- is, By the time they hit the fourth grade. They go to church, don't they? Seph: We're only mammals. Don Corneo: AOOOGA!!! Seph: Well, some of us are animals. Who treat people and women like objects. Rob: And Corneo's a suspect. I'm sure he's looking for ANOTHER bride to elope. I wish somebody had the antidote. Seph: I've got the Masamune, and here it goes! Cloud: I'm Cloud Strife, yeah, I'm the real hero! All you other FF characters are just big zeros! Tifa: So won't the real Cloud Strife please stand up? Cloud: 'Cause I'm Cloud Strife, yeah, I'm the real hero! Squall and his cronies are a big bunch of zeros! Tifa: So won't the real Cloud Strife please stand up, please stand up, please stand up? Cloud: Cid Highwind don't have to cuss to fly a plane, Well I do. So !@#$ him and !@#$ you too! Cid: !@#$ you! Cloud: You think I give a damn about Magical Girl Pretty Sammy? I may wear a dress, but I can't even stomach that, let alone stand it. Aeris: But Cloud, what if you were an anime, wouldn't it be weird? Rob: Why? So they can stick him there, next to Gundam Wing 12? Cloud: Sailor Moon better switch me shelves. So I can sit between DBZ and Tenchi Universe, And argue over which one sucks the worst. Tenchi: HEY! Cloud: Stupid anime! I want to be on TV! Selphie: Yeah, Cloud's cute, but I think he's married to Tifa, hee hee! Cloud: I should download the FFVIII soundtrack on mp3, And try to cheat Square out of lots of money. Seph: I'm sick of you little girl and boy heroes. All you do is annoy me. So I have been sent here to destroy you. And there's twelve others just like me, Who think like me, Reno: And can drink like me! hic Seph: Shut up. And they dress like me, walk, talk, and act like me, And just might be the next best thing, but not quite me. Cloud: Can it! I'm Cloud Strife, yes, I'm the real hero. All you other FF stars are just a bunch of zeros. Tifa: So won't the real Cloud Strife please stand up, please stand up, please stand up? Cloud: 'Cause I'm Cloud Strife, yes, I'm the big hero. Butz and Edgar and Cecil are all a bunch of zeros. Tifa: So won't the real Cloud Strife please stand up, please stand up, please stand up? Seph: You're like a head trip to listen to. Rob: Or even view. Cloud: 'Cause I'm only giving you things you joke about with your friends, Inside your living room. Seph: The only difference is your a nutball. Cloud: To say it in front of y'all? I ain't gotta be false Or sugar coat it at all. I just say it in the game and that's it. And whether you want to admit it, I'm better than 90% of the "heroes" out there. Seph: I just wonder, how... Rob: ...can the kids eat up these games like valiums? Cloud: It's funny, 'cause at the rate I'm going when I'm thirty, I'll be the only person in the nursing home flirting, With the young game chicks like Rinoa and Yuffie. Yuffie: GROSSNESS! Yuck! Cloud: And I'm spazzing, 'cause this whole bag of Prozac ain't working. In every single person there's a Sephy clone lurking. He could be working at Burger King, spitting in my onion rings, Or in the parking lot, killing, laughing "Ha ha ha ha," With the Masamune out and his sleeves rolled up, Tifa: So won't the real Cloud Strife please stand up? Cloud: I'm so messed-up I don't know which way's up. I'm not proud to be outta my mind and outta control. Rob: Just one more time, loud as you can, how does it go? Cloud: I'm Cloud Strife, yes, I'm the real hero. All you other Squaresoft heroes are just a bunch of zeros. Tifa: So won't the real Cloud Strife please stand up, please stand up, please stand up? Cloud: 'Cause I'm Cloud Stife, yes, I'm the big hero. Ashley and Serge and Crono are just a bunch of zeros. Crono: ... Serge: ... Tifa: So won't the real Cloud Strife please stand up, please stand up, please stand up? Cloud: 'Cause I'm Cloud Strife, yes, I'm the real hero. All you other FF stars are just a bunch of zeros. Tifa: So won't the real Cloud Strife please stand up, please stand up, please stand up? Cloud: 'Cause I'm Cloud Stife, yes, I'm the big hero. The new Squaresoft stars are all a bunch of zeros. Tifa: So won't the real Cloud Strife please stand up, please stand up, please stand up? Seph: I guess there's a little bit of Sephy in all of us. Rob: So screw it, let's all stand up. Oh my... (The Great and Powerful) Donal-mus has really outdone himself - this parody of a certain Billy Joel song contains spoilers from every single FF since the first, including the ones released only in Japan, plus Chrono Trigger for an added bonus! Due to the nature of this song, I'm putting it on a separate page, lest anyone be accidentally spoiled while scrolling down or anything. We Didn't Start the Spoilers