Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. Enjoy your final week of existence. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Okay, here's that lost column, retrieved from the parellel universe and updated to reflect the date. Just when you thought that things couldn't get any stranger around here...

When starting a column related in some shape or form to Christmas, as this one happens to be, there are two possible ways to begin. I could be cheerful and optimistic about the season, and wish only the best for every last one of you in these opening paragraphs. Yes, I could be selectively omissive regarding the Holidays, neglecting to mention or even allude to the many negative aspects that are inherent in any yearly occurrence which attempts to combine family members and alcohol. Then we could all walk away with nescient little grins on our faces, and continue to convince ourselves that we truly love our relatives, and we aren't just trying to put up with them in hopes of getting a Dreamcast.

Or, I could go the down what seems to be the popular route these days, and put a cynical, sardonic spin on things. I could point out blatantly obvious annoyances which are associated with the time of the year, and expect you to find my stale, tired humor to be genuinely amusing. Naturally, I'd actually be entertaining no one by pointing out that parking spaces are a bit harder to find this time of the year, and that sweaters with Christmas trees telling you to have a "tree-mendous X-mas" are freaking lame, but I'd certainly think that I was a riot. And just to top it all off, I could point out approximately twelve times in a single column that in all technicality, the new millenium begins in the year 2001, fancying myself quite the perceptive intellect.

So now that I've been pretty insulting towards both possible introductions, which shall I choose? Hey, any holiday that gives people a sense of aim and purpose in their lives, even if just for a few short weeks, as well as something to look forward to is all right by me. So what the hell, I'll be genial for once in my bitter little life. Enjoy the column, you loveable, filthy little ignoramuses. I approve.

It was a device intended to allow the elderly and the disabled to rollerblade. Why the inventor feels that the elderly and the disabled can't just find an alternative form of exercise is beyond me, but hey. To each his own. Personally, if I saw someone come merrily scooting down my street in one of those things, I would urinate myself in laughter.

Flashing a little coin

Well...my take on getting money from Monsters in RPGs has been either one of two things: You are a Bounty hunter and the creatures are so dangerous that they have prices on their heads...and when you beat them the bounty is instantly transferred to you via the magical instant transfer protocol... or that the Monsters like shiny objects...like gold..or other items(battle screen treasure)...and collect it...so when you bust 'em you get their hoard... Shadow_Hunter P.S.: I hate the Pokemon craze, because I can't get a Game Boy Color due to shortages caused by Pokefanitics. The game is ok though....

I suppose the "monster beating hapless passerby senseless for his pouch of shiny, shimmering gold" theory is about the best that I've heard thus far. If some citizen of one of the RPG world's ten or less villages decides to wander about the monster-infested surrounding area flashing his coin collection to every beast within sight, he deserves to get knocked over the head and ripped off.

P.S. I heard that Pokemon Yellow is scoring an upwards of 500 bucks in the classified ads. Damn me for deciding that owning Red was plenty.

Your new god has arrived

You know, to some people, christmas is about the birth of Jesus Christ, so I thought of a new TV show to get people in the holy spirit. It's called, get ready for this, Gettin Holy With Alexander The Holy Robo-Knight. First, Alexander would give a brief introduction, you know tell us how all the other GF's are doing, all that junk. Then, he would give a brief description of today's "sinner", or in other words, someone who has been pissing off Alexander recently. Then, the camera would cut to a scene of a suburban neighborhood and Alexander would come marching down the street. He would stop in front of the guy's hhouse, knock the door and open fire with his LASERS OF JUDGEMENT. Afterwards, there would be several shots of the smoking crater from different angles. Then the camera would cut back to the studio, Alexander would give us a few words of wisdom, (for our daily dose of holiness) and bid us farewell. Examples of merchandise would be T-Shirts with the phrase "Holier than thou" on the front, with Alexander's LASERS OF JUDGEMENT pointed at you on the back. Brilliant, huh?

Hey, if nutjobs like Billy Graham and Ernest Angley can do it, why not a looming, menacing contraption such as Alexandar? The only other thing that he'd need to compete with the other televangelists would be some idiotic form of religious propaganda given as a "gift" to those who donate an exorbitant amount of dough to the show. You know, hand out something like a "Go Away, Satan" door hanger to those who decide that the way to salvation is through Alexandar's pocket.

Okay, so it may sound as though I'm mocking Christianity, and that's about the last can of worms I'd like to pop on open this time of the year. Look, it's not my fault that God needs to get Himself some better PR, now is it?

You know, I honestly began to write out a few paragraphs expressing my feelings of dissent. Unfortunately, we've been over this whole "attracting female gamers" discussion so many times that even I don't care enough to put that kind of effort into my argument at this point. I was going to point out the fact that the creators of the Barbie games attempted to do the exact same thing: level a horrendous, patronizingly simplistic game at young girls in a hopeless attempt to attract them to a media format that they otherwise couldn't care less about. Hint: it didn't work particularly well.

Then I realized that I was devoting quite a bit of thought and effort in shooting down a letter that was defending a game starring the Olson twins. It was at this point that I moved on.

Proving once again that no matter how badly a game sucks, no matter how much it makes you want to pry your eyeballs out of their sockets with a flat head screw driver and then fish out pieces of your brain with an unraveled coat hanger in hopes of removing all memories of the title, somebody somewhere will still like it.

Note: I don't actually have a burning hatred for Grandia, I just felt like insulting somebody's opinion, since I've been pretty benevolent today. Well, at least in comparison to my usual writing. If you want nothing but roses and sunshine, go watch The Rosie O'Donnell Show or something.

I believe that Lunar's "mad skillz" line was added in the Playstation makeover, and wasn't present in the Sega CD version. Considering the fact that rappers were still sticking to such classics as "word to your mother," I don't believe that phrase had even existed as of yet. The Official Lame Vernacular Coining Coalition, working from their secret base deep beneath the streets of Compton, were still busy smoking themselves into a delightful haze and coming up with phrases which were later rejected upon returning to sobriety, such as "speekin' on beehafa" and "not quite east, not quite west, kind of in the middle-side." Mad skillz didn't come until quite a bit later.

P.S. I believe your name would be pronounced "I don't freaking care how you prefer to pronounce your lame nickname." Make sure you cook those brownies up hippy-style.

You know, I really haven't insulted anyone's opinions in quite some time. Sure, I may joke about doing so, idly threatening to lay into anyone with whom I disagree, but you do have to say something rather idiotic to incite me to do so. For one thing, being a malicious jerk takes effort and thought. To keep myself an interesting read, I have to make a reasonably solid rebuttal, as well as to make my mockery genuinely amusing, which isn't easy. So, being the lazy layabout that I am, I tend not to do so unless properly provoked. In other words, don't worry, you're save. I just needed to prattle on about something to waste a little space.

At any rate, older peripherals will work with the PS2. Not only that, but Sony would certainly be sure to point out the compatibility between the PS2 and the game, while neglecting to mention the incompatibility with the customized controller. So, I'm just going to stick with my original explanation: Sony just wants to be sure that its ass is covered in case a stray title or two is unable to operate on the new hardware, for whatever reasons.

Sadly, Beyond the Beyond is a fairly old title at this point. See, I actually have a logic in saying that, check this out: as its pretty aged at this point, it doesn't really take advantage of some of the Playstation 1's more advanced features and abilities, and if anything it would be these technical tricks that would cause problems when running under the new, shinier PS2. So, in other words, I'd be more than willing to wager that Beyond the Beyond will, in fact, be able to run on the PS2. Much to the chagrin of gamers everywhere, I would imagine.

I've heard that the development team responsible for Beyond the Beyond has been duly punished. They were thrown to the bottom of a well while their supervisors tried to decide what to do with them, and later sold to Phillip Morris as a wageless advertising team. They're now responsible for the creation of billboards which appear to speak out against underage smoking at glance, in order to appease the government after the recent court rulings, while subversively convincing children to take up the habit out of spite through their condescending tone. You may have already seen their work. They're the brilliant team who realized that billboards featuring children holding cigarettes, seemingly straight out of gay bars and dance clubs, while calling them "losers" generally upsets people.

Okay, now it's time to get on to the main topic of discussion for today's column. I asked you readers to tell me about your worst Holiday experiences, being the curmudgeon that I am, and you responded accordingly. Now, some of these experiences were truly somber, and even a toadish little punk like myself wouldn't bother trying to make light of them. So, I'll get start with those, then move on to the more entertaining mishaps. Sound good? Good.

Are you adequately bummed out? Okay then, time to move on to the more light-hearted fare.

Ah, Ian, you are truly a card. It's been many times that you've helped to make this column an interesting read, be it by furthering an ensuing discussion with your accurate insights, or by simply making it a bit more humorous through the use of your subtle humor. You've always been more than willing to play my straight man, allowing me to look as though I'm actually intelligent and witty myself. You've been the Dean Martin to my Jerry Lewis, the Abbot to my Costello, the Abercrombie to my Fitch. Someday when you're thinking up snappy catch phrases to put on bumper stickers, I'll be sure to support your efforts by purchasing a beat up '89 Camaro and plastering them all over the various dents and gaping rust holes.

At any rate, hopefully you are just being a zany sidekick, and I haven't just mocked your disastrous holiday season. I always hate it when I do that. It's almost as bad as inadvertently spouting off "your mom" jokes to someone whose mother has passed away. I suppose that my technique of trying to lighten the embarrassing situation through the creation of "your mom is so dead that" cracks doesn't help any. I'll have to think of some other way to compensate for my own blunder.

Actually, there have been games that attempted to place you in control of a less-than-stellar protagonist. Lester the Unlikely comes immediately to mind. Sadly, the game was about as enjoyable as stepping barefoot into a bucket filled with razorblades. There's really not too many things that a developer can do in a game when the lead character can barely hoist himself above a ledge. Mario pulls it off since he's essentially a digital cartoon character; other more realistic games aren't afforded the same freedom in that aspect.

Welcome to adolescent Christmas, my friend. When you're young, you get to rake in the gifts. When you're an adult, you get to buy them. When you're a broke college student, you get your friends a bunch of crap, and receive in kind. We at the GIA prefer to get a 12 pack of Bud Ice, wrap the bottles up individually, and hand them to each other Christmas morning. It makes things much easier.

It's all about producing a cheerful sound, Jon. See, pretty much every Christmas song instills a mirthful feeling into the listener. And there's the dreidel song. How joyous is that? I've heard happier funeral dirges. Perhaps the big Jewish association should get to work on hiring some bubble-gum pop star like Brittany Spears to create a new Hanukkah tune or two. Hell, get her to pose in a few pro-Jewish posters, and I'll guarantee you there will be more conversions to Judaism in a week than you'd usually see in a decade. Like I keep saying, it's all about the PR.

I'll bet that after all of the times you've mocked the Playstation's one-handed controller when you've seen it being advertised, you would have liked to have had an SNES equivalent of it right then and there, eh? That was a pretty lame response, I admit it, this column is pretty long, and I've only got so much in me.

The fear of death tends to make any occasion slightly less satisfying. Go figure.

Closing Comments:

Well everybody, that's it for today. May Santa bring you all which you have asked for and so patiently awaited. May your thoughtless acts of kindness, from leaving your enemies' gas tanks alone to resisting the urge to punt chihuahuas, finally pay off. And for both of my Jewish readers, may The Great Chutuklah hide your yearly allotment of matzo balls and dreidels in easily accessible places, so last year's "getting crushed while attempting to reach the top of the refrigerator" incident isn't repeated.

Note: Due to my complete lack of knowledge regarding Judaism, my wish will probably in no way come true since it's based on assumptions faultier than San Andreas.

So, just so that I can relax a bit on this Christmas Eve, I'm not going to bother with the specification of a topic. Write to me about whatever you so please. And with that, I'm off.

-Drew Cosner