Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Princess Caroline Gives Birth -- Nation Fails to Care. Don't say that I didn't warn you.

Did you truly believe that you could escape both myself and my unending battery of cynicism poorly disguised as a form of wit and humor? Well, seeing as I stated quite clearly that I would return on Monday, I highly doubt that, but I enjoy trying to make certain that my first return statement is of my usual character, and all. I could have begun with such stock opening sentences as the tired rhetorical question of "did you miss me?", only to go on further to make a joke of the situation with such lame and painfully tacky a retort as "well of course not, but I'm back anyhow, so deal with it." Unfortunately, this example would be far too predictable for my tastes, as well as adhering to at least some form of logic, going against my grain. I've set up shop in a small corner of left field, and I'm content to consistently come straight out of it.

At any rate, I've saddled up my high horse, made certain that the thorn in my side is properly secured, and confirmed that the chip on my shoulder is adequately embedded into position. I'm ready for whatever banalities and incomprehensible babble you're set to throw my way. After all, you put up with mine, so it's only fair that I reciprocate the favor.

Okay, so perhaps I'm a bit more curt and abrasive than usual in today's column. Closing yourself off from nearly all forms of human interaction for an entire week in order to study material which is of absolutely no interest to you has a tendency to do that to people. Well, here's an animation that ought to compensate for my attitude today. It took me away from the time that I could have spent doing productive and personally beneficial things, such as memorizing the DK rap word for word, so I hope that you appreciate it.

Sadly, as far as how prone a leading man is to speak his mind, if at all, I have no strong opinion either way. Yes, shocking, I realize, seeing as I seem to have a strong viewpoint on virtually everything, no matter how pointless and completely impertinent. As a matter of fact, unlike many of the thoughts which I hold, my feelings on the matter are rather simple to break down into a somewhat coherent sentence: so long as the main character's inability to speak doesn't interfere with the storyline to the point of being obtrusive, I'm perfectly fan with it. However, when great lengths are gone to avoid situations in which the main character would have to speak to propel the storyline forward, hence hurting the plot itself, I'd rather they just let the damned guy speak his mind.

A pair of good, or perhaps bad, examples would be Wild Arms and Super Mario RPG. With WA, there were only three leading characters; the choice to make one of these mute resulted in a story that was far more shallow and far less immersive than it could have been. And with Mario RPG, although I'm certain there are those who would tend to disagree with me on this particular aspect, the ongoing game of charades grew irksome rather than charming, as was apparently the intention, after approximately the first hour or so.

To be concise, if it takes you a while to notice the fact that the lead character hasn't spoken so much as a single syllable, the game is successful in its endeavor. If it becomes immediately apparent, the game has suffered simply to uphold this inexplicable "tradition" of sorts. And in conclusion, blah blah blah blah.

You think that you're pretty damned smart, don't you?

Welcome Back Drew There is a great arguement over which is better, talking main characters, or mute main characters. Well I had a chance to speak with Chrono and he has prepared a statement. Chrono: ... Well that closes the book for that arguement. -Figure Four PS: If you print my letter I will buy you a large cookie

I had not even a shadow of a doubt in my mind upon reading Andrew's specified topic in yesterday's column that someone would send me a letter along these lines. Does that somehow detract from the overall point which this letter is making, whatever that may be? Hey, what do I look like, a literature critic? Okay, so maybe under the appropriate lighting my features would lend to such an assumption, but I'm not. Really. I was just attempting to make myself appear to be more intellectual and insightful than I am in reality by pointing out an easy conclusion to draw, after the fact no less. I'll be sure to have any words of contradiction which I may have earlier written erased from their documents and replaced by the appropriate "prediction" by my loyal workers who slave over their speakwrites, making certain that I always appear to be flawless in every conceivable facet. Unsurprisingly, creating such an illusion requires a devoted armada of full-time employees.

P.S. I'm not much into sweets and candy, but I appreciate the gesture. I'll remember your kind offer when writing up my will. If you're lucky, you may even inherit a large portion of the next-to-nothing which I own.

You make a compelling point

Regarding "Should Serge be a mute?": ....... ......., .....! ......, ...... ..........? ......! ................. (......... .......), ......... ......... ......; ...... ......... .........: .... ..... ....... ............ - ............... - ........... ........., ................ ............. ".............," .............. ....................!!!! I rest my case. (Sorry I got so harsh near the end, but this is an important subject to me.) - ChocoMog ZERO

Normally I would have little choice but to make several sardonic and insulting remarks in response to your closing paragraph, but your initial argument was persuasive and thought-provoking enough that I'll let it slide. But just this once. Don't think that you can get away with holding a dissenting opinion while I'm around, buck-o.

I'd like to see an entire game that is completely non sequitur. A game wherein the villain plots to take over the world for no good reason whatsoever, and uses a completely eschewed sense of logic to justify his fiendish behavior. A game where the party of characters that eventually bands together in order to do battle with said villain offers no adequate explanation as to why they've decided to trek the planet in hopes of saving a world of completely incoherent townspeople. A game where the puzzles are entirely out of place and operate on no given form of reasoning. That's what I'd like to see.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I've just played your straight man. Feel free to email me in regards to what game you feel that I've just described down to the last detail. I'll elicit some faux guffaws from the live studio audience by activating the "laughter" sign above their heads as you spout off your line, following which the show's token flamboyant homosexual character will mutter a dry response of his own, spoken with an exaggerated lisp. Stay tuned next week when my employer decides to visit my home and base whether or not he'll fund an extremely important project completely on how much he enjoys himself during dinner, leading to some hilarious hijinx.

They could make it like those McDonalds menus found in some restaurants where everything is "written" out through the use of small pictures depicting meaning for those who are completely illiterate, but still have a hankering for a delicious all-beef-except-for-the-stuff-in-it-that's-not-beef patty on that famous sesame seed bun.

See, I can get away with subtly insulting the illiterate as it's highly doubtful that any of them will be able to coax a friend or family member into reading this pile of visual trash which I refer to as a column out loud for them.

Yeah, I'd have to agree with you on that one. That's it. That's my entire response. Move along, there's nothing to see here, folks.

A game where you genuinely want to see the protagonist eat it in a major way would certainly be unique. Although Aeris' character was a painfully blatant "gentle girl next door," easy-going and airy female stereotype, you still felt a bit melancholy over her passing. Had she been slightly more talkative and grating, it would have felt more of a sweet release from her endless prattle than a saddening passing of a leading character when the time for her demise finally came.

This could be an entirely new RPG paradigm; in addition to strangely silent lead characters, developers can also include party members who are calculated to drive the player up the wall, only to be offed later on in the story, thanks to a rather unconvincing motive on the part of the lead antagonist. The sense of fulfillment as the little bastard dies at the hands of the main adversary would be absolutely sublime. Unfortunately, it would be rather ineffective in making you dislike your foe, but that's a whole different discussion.

And hey, while we're trying to think up elements which would drive off the genre's fan base, why not stick in a ridiculously realistic football simulation mini-game which would take the player hours to master to an adequate degree, but must be played in order to progress the storyline? I'm sure that would be a real winner.

Since the body of your letter basically speaks for itself, I'll completely neglect to reply that portion of it in an excellent example of my usual irreverent behavior. Rather, I'll reply to your post script with this short question: how would you enjoy taking a broad sword to the groin?

Closing Comments:

Okay, let's specify a topic to complete another fantastic edition of the Double Agent letters forum. I'll go with a question to which the answer is entirely a matter of personal opinion. Those are always fun. Do you feel that an RPG which makes little or no attempt at being truly innovative and unique can still be a five-star game as long as it does everything well? After all, although it may not stand out from the crowd based solely on its individuality, it still excels at all which it imitates.

Or do you feel that while a game of that nature may be enjoyable, a superficial distraction, for it to be truly deserving of a perfect rating it must make successful attempts to try something which hasn't been done with the genre previously. Certainly, if it weren't for games such as these, the genre would experience stagnation, and eventually interest would wane to the point of its demise. How do you feel on the matter? Let me know. I need the banner money to afford that new exhaust manifold which I've had my eye on.

-Drew Cosner, the Phantom Pain in the Ass