Double Agent
A bone to pick - October 3, 1999 - Andrew Kaufmann

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. Temptation is the tempest of the toiling Tonberry. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot.


In this spot, I'm going to give an update on my wrist. I'm willing wager my collection of colorful guitar picks that none of you give a darn, but I'm grasping for subjects here. It's either this or write about football.

Tomorrow I start rehabilitation on my wrist! Hooray! For those of you that missed it, I've had a shattered bone in my wrist since July, leaving my left side more or less useless. Thus, I'm glad to be able to start using it again. Please, hold your tears of pity and joy. Everything happens for the best.

BRING ON THE LETTERS!

Relax

hello, i was wondering how long you plan to keep the final fantasy 8 media up on your site??? I am playing the game at a slow pace due to school, and i want to save some of the pictures , but i dont want to be spoiled....
Thank you for your time.


Thank YOU for YOUR time. Our FF8 shots are staying right where they are, so take your time and enjoy the game. They'll be waiting for you.

Final Fantasy 8B: The Oddventures of Tonberry (FF8: TOOT!)

Square's next big game needs to be about the best FF character ever: Tonberry. Think about it, you could be a pimped-out Tonberry that walks walks around dungeons mumbling "Listen here, whitebread. You do whatever the hell I say, or I'll cut you with my chef's knife". Than you could pimp chocobos to lonely heros who need something to ride (I meant around the world... beastiality is a bad thing, mmmkay?). At the end of the game, you would show up at the final battle between the world's only hope and the greatest evil ever seen. The heroes will be getting their asses kicked, and then you'll just stroll out onto the battle field. The villain will laugh, and you'll just walk on over and stab 'em. Then they'll die and you'll be a hero. Then the wanna-be heroes will try to tell you how cool you are, but you'll ignore them and just walk off into the horizon, the big feather in your pimp hat blowing in the wind. Ah, wouldn't that be a cool game?

-CTZanderman


I'm going to have to award you some mad props for that idea, CTZanderman. I strongly approve. And so, the topic for tomorrow's column is born... which FF8 character, be in GF, playable character, or anyone else, would you like to see star in a spinoff game? Me, I'd like to see a spinoff about Irvine where he pursues a career as a bass player. He looks really smooth with the bass in FF8 (in my game, at least).

Not the next Mike Tyson

Why can't I punch the monkey?

Evil Furby

It all depends on the browser. That ad is like, Java, or Javascript, or some other format, I haven't looked into it. If your browser doesn't like it, it won't let you punch the monkey. Sorry. To make it up to you, I give you permission to send Drew a letter talking about the character in FF8 you want a spinoff from.

And Furbys really are evil.

The truth behind Playstations

Oh sure it seems like Sony is just tryin to make some money with Playstation and the whole video game industry but they also have a deeper, darker motive...Inside each and every Playstation is tiny, green, brain sucking alien ! They come out at night and slowly drain your cerebral fluids...slowly...slowly...... ( And whats up with making a pokemon card game video game based on the pokemon card game based on the pokemon video game.. I mean it was bad enough as it is)

-Your friendly neighborhood brain-alien

Well, there's a theory I'd not heard before. I think it's the byproduct of moldy cheese and too much time under the tanning bed while reading about Melissa Joan Heart in Maxim magazine.

The answer to the Pokemon question is obvious. Nintendo is milking that cash cow for every cent they can get.

I like the way this guy thinks

Andrew,

I had an idea, but then it went away. Sorry.

-E

P.S-- the name of that song is Bulletproof, and it's my favorite on the CD too,


I had a reply, but it went away. Sorry.

Bulletproof. That's the name of Track 6 on Dizzy Up the Girl, by the Goo Goo Dolls. I like that song. Just pointing that out again.

Crank up the anger

AK,

I don't have a car, but if I did I know exactly where I'd like to leave it. And the sun doesn't shine there.

Chris' letter is quite the eye opener and has me quite upset. Well not really. But when it's not 3 AM, I'm well rested, and I check the GIA tomorrow my Blood will Boil Hotter than a Hundred Suns, my Anger will fall upon the Unworthy with the Power of a Thousand Tidal Waves, and my Fury Will Be Great Indeed.

Bad Square! No, no! *Thwap*

Sad isn't it that so few are surprised. Perhaps it'd be better to say Square USA's PR department sucks. Heaven forbid we be thrown a frickin' bone. Is it hypocritical to bash the company that just gave us FF8...? Hmm. Babble bitch moan.

~Ian P.


You'd put your car where the sun don't shine... underneath a large shade tree? That's a marginally good idea, depending upon the weather and where you live. In the summer, that's a great idea, because it'll help keep the interior of the car cool. On the other hand, parking under a tree is like putting up a giant neon sign for every bird in a 200 mile radius that reads "THIS IS A GREAT PLACE FOR ME AND YOU TO POOP ON!"

Your reaction about the discs is pretty common. I don't mind. And criticism isn't harmful, it's helpful. We're trying to help Square out, here. Help them make more money. That's all we really want to do. Not hurt their feelings.

Who is that masked man?

Who's Ian P.?


He's a carefully trained monkey. Back when the GIA started, Glick, Vestal, and I went on an excursion into the Brazilian rain forests to search for the secret to good games and to find some really wacky mushrooms. While there, we found a pathetic little monkey sucking on his thumb and smelling even worse than Glick, Vestal, and I (we hadn't showered in several days). We decided to adopt him, and he now lives in GIA headquarters where we feed him bananas. We also beat him with chairs when he messes up the rug.

Just kidding Ian, you know we like you.

Closing Comments

Remember, email Drew what you would like to see in an FF8 spinoff. That boy just adores getting mail.

-Andrew Kaufmann

 
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