Who is it that you love to hate? Other than myself, that is. - September 28th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Dare to be stupid. Don't say I didn't warn you.
WARNING: Today, we hear the opinions of readers regarding their favorite villain. Although the Final Fantasy VIII spoilers may not be as plentiful as they have been the past few columns, they are still present. For example, the name of the final boss is mentioned several times throughout. If this is going to be a problem for you, read no further. And don't worry, after today the topic won't be as committed to Final Fantasy VIII as it has been for the past few days. That should make all of you tightwads who are waiting for the game to wind up in the Greatest Hits series happy.
| Final Fantasy IV spoiler, you freaking anal retentives |
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Dear Drew:
You asked who my favorite FF villain is, and it came to me immediately. My favorite villain is not a powerful villain, nor really a particularly clever one. My favorite villain of all time has to be Kain, the poor Dragoon of FFIV.
Why, you ask? Simple. Because he changed sides so often it was hilarious. I do not know a single other villain who has ever made me pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh, crying out, "oh no, not -again-!" in quite the same way. Every time he kidnapped Rosa or stole a crystal I kept thinking, surely this is the last time he`ll betray me. SURELY. But I kept being wrong.
Sure, some guys will go for superpowerful villains like Ultemesia, or derranged villains like Kefka, or even badass sidekicks like Gilgamesh. But me, I`ve always rooted for the underdog. Give me comedy every time.
Kain. Because there is no other.
-Lord Pendragon
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I suppose that would qualify as one of the more pleasant differences between gaming and reality. When a game character flops to and fro between opposing forces, it's seen as an unexpected plot twist. In that crazy thing known as real life, being referred to as a "Benedict Arnold" is a rather personal insult -- and he only came to the aid of those battling for the differing side of a cause but once.
The fact that games don't bother themselves with adhering to any specific logic will never cease to be a form of comfort to me. I once tried beating a random environmentalist with a baseball bat as a way to pay homage to Earthbound. For some reason, he didn't even try to fight back with any curt and spiteful words or make any attempts to convince me that my mother was calling for my presence; he just cowered behind a telephone pole until a group of officers came and tackled me from behind. And, of course, now nobody will let me hear then end of it. Don't even get me started about the completel unwarranted looks of disgust and animosity which I received the time that I stomped on that turtle. I was just trying to protect myself; if I hadn't waxed him first, he would've shrunken me for sure. The next thing you know, I would've been appearing in Kid Rock videos making a general fool of myself, getting into brawls with midgets.
| Seifer is the man |
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I'm sorry, but anything anybody has said up to this message is wrong. The
best Final Fantasy villain ever is King Doom, from Final Fantasy Mystic
Quest. We all know that everyone, in their hearts, believes this, but are
simply too afraid to admit it. King Doom forever!
Well, that being said, I honestly think that Seifer is the best example of
villainy in all of the FF games I have played. He is not some weird
uber-villain with no real motivation (Chaos, Zemus, Ultimecia), doesn't
have megalomaniacal goals of world-crushing power (Kefka), and, in the
end, is perfectly rational (Sephiroth).
Seifer gets my vote for this because his villainy seemed to hit home a lot
closer than any other villain ever. I mean, not many people are going to
become a deranged circus clown and use a giant laser to rule the world.
But Seifer became evil because of his own self confidence issues... he was
scared to deal with the world, and turned to Ultimecia's guaranteed relief
from all of his pain. His villainy is the scariest of all, because his is
a situation we could all (well, metaphorically) be in.
- Riffraff
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Actually, I think that Seifer was more angry with the world that would prevent him from accomplishing his cherished dream, more than anything. He wanted to be a noble crusader; someone who was needed and depended upon. By living at the Garden, he had obtained the necessery fighting skills, but becoming a SeeD would have meant that he had to go from one odd job to the next taking care of everyone's dirty work merely for the joy of earning his wages.
What he truly desired was to be, as Andrew mentioned, a knight; a figure of chivalry and intrepidity -- not a mere mercenary. Edea offered him this opportunity, and he leapt at it. Whether her cause was one of pure evil intent or simply one stemmed from the desire to be a strong ruler, Seifer didn't care; he would leave that to fate to decide. All that mattered was that he had been given the chance to fulfill his romantic dream.
But enough of this semantic bosh. No matter how you slice it, Seifer was an interesting character; a stronger and more developed character than even that of Ultimecia.
| Villainous yet stylish |
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Howdy.
There can only be one answer to the worst villians ever. It would have to be the Turks. No other bad guys come close to their level of coolness. Always doing their job like professionals, always finding time to hit the local bar. Of course, the coolest Turk would be Reno. Who else can fight three AVALANCHE memebers with one hand in his pocket, get almost mortally wounded, and still be able to retreat in style and make it seem like he won? Also, I dressed up as him, so that instantly adds to his coolness factor.
- Arpad Korossy
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The Turks were bonafied badasses. I can think of no other that video game characters who've succesuflly pulled off the whole Resevoir Dogs look. Other developers have tried it, only to have them come across as lame attempts to appeal to the self-professed "sophisticated" side of those adolescants who've spent a few too many hours watching Quentin Tarantino flicks. Not that there's anything wrong with spending too much time watching Quentin Tarantino flicks.
At any rate the "relaxed, but still ready to kick your sorry ass any day" look worked for Reno. A bit static, perhaps, but far more original than so many other stock villains.
| Dig that crazy laugh |
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It has to be Kefka!
Kefka is a perfect villain in a perfect game. We don't really know anything
about him but we almost never know anything abou tthe villains in an RPG
anyway. So what makes Kefka so bad?
His evil laugh Muwahahaha! His clothes, note one of those big armored guy
with a deep voice with a big sword. How did he get to a high rank is
anyone's guess, maybe he is the son of a dead vice-emperor or something, but
you can see that all the guards think he's dumb yet evil. And he is!
Poisoning the whole Doma Castle and then go Muwahahaha! Burning down a whole
village casting magic here and there while being escorted by huge-ass robots
and still going Muwahahaha! Sometimes even casting a lightning bolt on
himself:p When he saw the 3 statues on the floating continent, he was like
"uh? Oh those things can give me power! I won't let an old fart have that
power!" Then push him, get all the power, kill the old fart, and push him
off the continent! And.. Muwhahahaha!
PS: Who would be crazy enough to ask his bodyguards to get the sand off his
boots while in the middle of the desert? Kefka! :>
-Phil
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I'd have to agree that Kefka's character design, more specifically his choice in apparel, added to the overall effect. It's difficult not to find it a bit unsettling to see a man dressed up as some kind of mentally deranged jester poisoning an entire town on a whim.
| How to confront those hellians and come out victorious |
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The subject of this letter: FF8. Hooray.
Yesterday you suggested that Cowman fight around Heaven/Hell Islands and
hope for Odin to show up. While that works, this does too: use Quistis's
Degenerator spell (Notice how I didn't say it works *better*, since you
have to keep Quistis's hit points low and as such, make her an easy
target for the big baddies. Well, it does work a little better...) Since
there's only one enemy each fight, Degenerator offs them instantly, no
fuss, no muss. It's like using Exit and still getting XP. Cheap as hell,
but I like it. And it encourages you to use Quistis, so it can't be that
bad. (It also works wonders against the Ruby Dragons you're forced to
fight before Bahamut *insert sinister Muttley laugh*.) One more thing,
if you need Energy Crystals, go to that place a couple screens north of
Dr. Odine's lab in Esthar. Talk to the ecstatic Elviole, kill him, leave
the screen and do it over again (Bahamut's Rare Item works well here).
Just in case you wanted to know. Which you probably didn't. Moving on.
As for the topic, well let's see. Kefka was one evil son of a submariner
and Sephiroth was definitely one of the most fleshed out characters,
villain or not, in any FF. But I must say I have a soft spot for Seifer.
Mainly because I hated him. I *really* hated the bastard. I have to
agree with AV that he was quite pathetic, but on top of that, he was
Rinoa's ex. I mean, with all Squall had to put up with, he gets Seifer's
cast-off? That's just cold. Like what's so wrong with Rinoa that she's
not good enough for *Seifer's* dumb ass? She probably snores. But
seriously, Seifer's "romantic dream" was believable and well executed,
and his ending was just perfect. (I admit, I had a big sloppy smile on
my face for the whole fishing scene. That *sniff* dumb-ass...) He had
cool sidekicks (Fujin & Raijin, natch), helped bring Gilgamesh into the
game, and, for better or for worse, bagged Rinoa. What a guy.
And, even though you didn't ask, I just have to give you my pick for
worst villain in this, or any other FF: NORG. He makes Ultamecia look
driven, okay? What the hell was the deal with this guy? We know he was a
Shumi that left the village and helped finance the Gardens with Cid.
That's it. Why/how did he convince half of Balamb Garden to overthrow
Cid? Why does everyone just go back to normal after the Garden takes
off? If he hates Cid so much, why does he have a civil conversation with
him afterwards, only to get all pissed off and pick a fight when Squall
shows up? How did a little midget Shumi guy get so big and rich? Who the
hell does he think he is? And finally: what does that assified,
acronym-sounding name of his stand for? Neo-Organic Rat-bastard Girl?
Nitwit Orange-Red Gimp? Nice Old Ribald Gynecologist? Is it a password?
A pun of some sort? The secret of life? The game never says. And it
pisses me off. That's all.
-Marty Hecla
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From my experience, generator isn't particularly reliable, especially when considering all of the effort that goes into preparing Quistis for battle in such a matter. But hey, that's always an alternative route if running from battles strikes a blow to your ego. Personally, sticking it out in battle, while fulfilling, doesn't exactly make me feel like the world's hugest stud, seeing as it is a game and all. So I just wait for good ol' Odin to take out the trash for me. It works.
As for your points regarding Seifer, I couldn't have said it better myself. He was pompous, arrogant, and yet through it all managed to remain strangely appealing and likeable in his own, strange way. Not only that, Raijin and Fujin are second only to the Turks in general coolness factor, if you ask me. Especially Fujin, with that huge Silent Bob she pulls when confronting Seifer aboard the Lunatic Pandora. Not only does she speak in such a manner, she does it by choice. Got to like that.
And yes, NORG sucks. He speaks like Fujin were she completely incapable of enunciating, causing her to meld all of her words together into one massive, hyphenated mess. He talks smack to your entire party, as well as trying to take over the Garden, only to cower in fear and encase himself in a giant crystal of some sort for the entire duration of the game upon being defeated. Pansy.
| Beware the mighty Tonberry |
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there is one creature so evil, so gut-wrenchingly malicious, that he,
and only he, would be considered 'most-evil'. this creature crosses
dimensions to stop all good with an attack that instantly kills. this
force of darkness appears in an innocent guise, but all who know him
quake with fear. i speak of none other than. . .
tonberry. nyah.
-asobi wa owari da
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Tonberry takes your party's blows without so much as batting an eyelash, only to make you feel the true meaning of pain when he nonchalantly shuffles over and bludgeons one of your characters with a common chef's knife. Tonberry is truly a cold-hearted fellow, he is.
| The perfect cover |
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Drew,
I know this was supposed to be 'the best' Final Fantasy villian.
Well, I've got the worst. Exdeath from FF5. The guy was a tree. An evil
tree. C'mon. A tree? Sure, a somewhat frightening tree. But a tree? No.
-Mike Drucker
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Hey, being a tree is the perfect cover for a villain. Nobody would ever suspect that a tree just burnt an entire village to the ground. NObod would ever believe that it was a tree who was behind the corrupt king's actions. Not only that, a tree could use its powers to stage "skiing accidents" for your party should they begin to stand in its way. And if you really get the tree mad, it can drop a few boughs on the weak areas of your home, causing thousands of dollars in "natural damages."
| Laying ruin to the entire earth |
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The best boss ever was Kefka. At least he managed to destroy the world. (I
would put Galeon but he isn't in FF.) The only person more annoying was
Ultros. God that octopus pissed me off.
-Spuzzz
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That's one point that gives Kefka a major advantage over all of the other adversaries mentioned in today's column; he actually pulled off what he set out to do. Every other villain comes close to accomplishing their goals, only to be wiped out in the eleventh hour by your crew. Kefka managed to destroy the entire planet. Although he was never able to quell the human spirit or eradicate all life, he got that far, which none other in the Final Fantasy series has.
| Being lacking in scruples can be a good thing |
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Kefka, without a doubt. He was just so EVIL!!! He had
no heart, no morals...
Y'see, Sephiroth thought it was his duty do do the
things he did. Kefka did them because he WANTED TO!!!
And he wasn't being controlled, like someone else
mentioned above...*ahem*
Plus, he's got that cool theme, the kick-ass laugh
that can only be surpassed by Jinnai (from El-Hazard),
and STYLE!!! I mean, DAMN!!! The Joker doesn't even
dress like that!!!
People sometimes feel sorry for Keffy-sama because of
the man in Vector who tells the party that He of the
Pink Plume was the first test subject of the
infusions, and that he snapped because something went
wrong. Well let me just say that you don't wind up
like him just by going insane. No, you have to be
pretty damn evil. Think about it. There's a HERO who
is as insane as Keffy-sama, and that's the Creeper. He
ain't evil at all (crazy, yes). No, to wind up like
Kefka requires you to be EVIL, HEARTLESS, CRUEL, and
TOTALLY ROTTEN.
And that's why I like him so much.
-Amber Berebitsky, aka Blackjack Gabbiani
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Not much for me to add here.
| A killing machine |
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Dammit Drewballs,
It's about time that you stopped the Final Fantasy 8 talk, because there
are many of us who haven't beaten it yet and I had to not read the column for
a good few days. Though, I did scroll to the bottom to see if the madness
would end, and am happy to see that it did. Anyway, getting to the topic at
hand, I would have to say that my favorite villian would have to be
Sephiroth. Reason: he is the most evil mofo out there, he is simply the
coolest villian out there, he's got a big-ass sword, and he could probably
bang any video-vixen he wants, if he wasn't so darned obsessed with the
taking-over-the-world-and-becoming-a-god thing. Not to mention that he is
one of the only villians, who is ACTUALLY SMART. I remember reading
somewhere, when someone was complaining how no villians are intelligent, that
they thought that Sephiroth was not smart. I couldn't disagree more. Look
at it this way: Not only did he manage to kill the only person who could
stop him (a little late but we can't all be perfect), he used Cloud to:
1. Find out where to get the Black Materia, and how to get it.
2. Made Cloud go through the task of getting it.
3. Almost made Cloud kill the woman he was in love with, and then finished
the job himself
4. Drove Cloud to the brink of insanity
5. Made Cloud take the Black Materia all the way to the freakin North Pole,
and give it to him.
6. Unleashed the Weapons into the world
7. And then he just cut himself off from everyone else, by putting a nice
barrier around the North Crater. This was a smart move, because no one could
go into the crater to stop Sephiroth, and he would just let everyone die from
either the huge meteor heading to earth, or by the Weapons attacking
everyone. He just wasn't counting on the giant materia gun, which I don't
think that anyone was expecting either.
,p>
He did all of this, not to mention the fact that he burned Cloud's town
to the ground, and almost killed Tifa, and killed Tifa's father five years
before. And in the beggining of the game, he let his clones do all the work.
He is a damn near genius and a killing machine, and that's why he's my
favorite villian of all time, with Golbez in a close second. I mean, who
else can get hit with Meteo from a master magician, live to tell about it,
and have his hand that moves at about .05 mph steal a crystal of darkness
without anyone moving an inch to try and stop it?
-Evil Genius
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And I'd say that just about covers it for today.
Closing Comments
And now for tomorrow's topic. Should the Chrono Trigger remake find its way over to Western shores, will you buy it? Are the additional cinemas enough to convince you to revisit a classic, despite having already beaten the game every which way possible? Or is this just another attempt on Square's part to cash in on nostalgia and familiarity? Tell me what you think, my mailbox is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
-Drew Cosner, The Denny's of letters columns
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