Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. This column is so damn sexy, you'd swear it was a page torn straight from the Kama Sutra. Don't say I didn't warn you.

WARNING: As has been the case for several days now, today's column is brimming with potential Final Fantasy VIII spoilers. If you've not completed the game, I suggest that you sit today out. The letters are not individually marked as being spoilers. In other words, read at your own risk. Consider this your recompense for not jumping on the bandwagon with your fellow RPG enthusiasts and purchasing Final Fantasy VIII the hot second that it hit the shelves of your local game shop. You are not a member of our elite clique. As so many star-belly sneetches to your lack thereof, we are above you. May God have mercy upon your soul.

Now that I've helped make 90% of the RPG community feel as though they're a member of an exclusive group of people, I think it's time to start the column. I'm always looking for ways to boost morale amongst the RPG ranks, I am.

Suikoden II is due to hit the shelves on the 29^th, so there's not much longer to wait on that front. However, Thousand Arms is a different story. The game has been repeatedly delayed, and at present nobody knows when it will be released. Look for The GIA's reviews of both games within a few days of their respective releases.

Sephiroth was an excellent villain because he could have just as easily been an ally, had circumstances been different. The strongest adversaries are those whose backgrounds and history the player is privy to -- so that you not only know what is that drives the villain, but the reasoning and logic behind the dementia and the acts of virulence as well. When you can identify with the emotional state of the foe, the morality behind vanquishing him or her becomes blurred. Such cases encourage thought on the player's part, and that is what makes a villain of this type stronger and well-fitted for the more realistic RPGs that we've become acustomed to.

While the acerbic rancor of villains such as Ultimecia, or similarly Kefka, can make for a more than adequate opponent when worked with correctly within the bounds of the game's storyline, even being preferable by some, they just don't have the depth and complxity that foes like Sephiroth have. Of course, I'd have to agree that Ultimecia could kick the unholy crud out of Sephiroth. "Safer" Sephiroth never wiped the floor with my party as Ultimecia did. But, then, Apocalypse isn't nearly as impressive a final attack as Supernova was, so I guess there's always some form of trade-off.

Hey, it's alright; you can keep all of that sado-masochism stuff to yourself. Just so long as I get to play the role of the man she returns home to after a hard day of smacking your ass with a chain-link whip, I'm cool with the idea. Start propositioning those film studios and let me know how things turn out.

That depends; would you consider getting the shit knocked out of you by the final boss a problem?

Seriously, you can still save yourself the humilation of defeat by levelling up on the Heaven and Hell Islands. The "island closest to hell," otherwise known as the "Hell Island" is located to the west of Deling City. The Heaven Island is on the opposite end of the map, slightly north of what would be a straight line from the Hell Island. Both are excellent places to build up your characters' levels, and they are also loaded with hidden draw points containing the game's best spells, such as Meltdown and Aura.

However, there's a slight catch. Every monster you will encounter on both islands is at level 100. Your best bet is to have somebody use Cactaur's Luck Junction ability along with a decent alottment of some powerful spell. This should hopefully raise your Luck up to a high enough number that you'll stand a decent chance of having Odin appear prior to the battle. Asuuming, of course, that you've already bothered to track down Odin. If not, you should go grab him first, because the monsters on these islands will cream you at the level your party is at.

Just keeping encountering enemies and running away whenever Odin doesn't come to your aid. Eventually you'll be powerful enough that you can face the monsters, but until then the Odin technique is your best option.

And now to change the subject entirely without any appropriate segue. Yesterday our good friend Mister Vestal pointed out many of the substantial hints which Final Fantasy VIII drops about as so many bread crumbs pointing to Squall being the son of Laguna. Quite honestly, I'm surprised that there's so much as a debate concerning the matter; the game all but comes out and says it in some heavyhanded and anticlimactic scene of supposed revelation. Well, a few readers came up with a few more supporting arguments.

And there you have it. Yet more evidence that Laguna is, in fact, Squall's father. Of course, another hot topic is that of Time Compression. More pointedly, why Ultimecia had it in her thick head to compress time, and why she was willing to go through such large efforts to accomplish her goal. Here's a few reader theories, along with a few other points of argument.

As this letter says, the "information" menu within the tutorial gives a description of Time Compression which can be used to infer the motivations on Ultimecia's behalf. The definition of Time Compression reads as follows: "A complete mystery, various states of "present" are believed to become compressed. Sorceress' power from many generations may cross over to give 1 sorceress great strength. No one knows what effect this may have on regular human beings."

This would lead me to believe Nich's theory, which Andrew mentioned in yesterday's column. It would seem that Ultimecia wants to gain the powers of all the sorceresses to have ever lived, including that of Hyne, the original sorceress. Why she would want such power remains anyone's guess. But hey, she's just evil, and that's what evil people do.

Closing Comments

All of this talk about Ultimecia gives me an idea for tomorrow's topic. Now that Final Fantasy VIII is out and most have already played it through to completion, I think it's time to hit you guys up with a tried and true topic. Who is your favorite Final Fantasy villain, and why? It doesn't necesserily have to be the main opponent; any baddy will due just fine. A little hackneyed of a topic, sure, but it's always fun to speak your mind in a public forum, ain't it?

-Drew Cosner