Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Here's a hidden message, just because I love you. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Folks, let's face it: the pressures and responsibilities presented by returning to class are nigh but inescapable. Returning to the grind, returning to the mind-numbing routine of school; this can get anybody feeling a bit low. Totally flopping that big test, or having a hell of a time understanding that new concept can get any gamer down. Yes, all gamers share similar fates. You are not alone.

Now, I'm not trying to further emphasize that which already sucks; far from it, in fact! No, I have decided to once again come to the aid of the gaming community. That's right, anytime daily pressures start to get to you, you can turn to Drew's Confidence-Building Quiz! This will dispell any and all feelings of self-doubt, and leave you feeling ready to take on the world. It's the least I could do.

Do you feel as though you've been empowered? Do you feel as though you could take even the most trying of tasks in stride? Well then, I think you're just about ready to read the actual column.

I know exactly what you mean. All I did was throw disc one of Final Fantasy VIII against the wall a few times, toss it to the ground and repeatedly stomp on it while wearing golf shoes, and the damned thing refuses to work now. Sony and Sega certainly have a lot nerve incorporating such an unreliable and easily damaged storage forum into their consoles. I give all of my Nintendo 64 cartridges a daily beating, and they work just fine. Except for F Zero X, that is. A few of the microchips came loose from the board when I used it to hammer nails the other day. I guess that even Nintendo isn't incapable of shoddy craftsmanship.

Alright, sarcasm aside, discs certainly are more readily-damaged than carts. However, with a little care, that shouldn't be a problem. Simple measures, such as actually putting the game away in its jewel case when you finish playing, require little time and effort, and ensure that your disc will remain intact. To have entered the next generation market with a system that relied upon backwards and aged cartridges was a mistake that cost Nintendo the third party support necessery for a console to attain the number one position in the market. Although Nintendo would have you believe that it wasn't a blunder on their part, there's a reason why they've chosen to use DVDs as the medium for the upcoming Dolphin.

My taste in music, specifically my feelings towards "Eyes on Me," isn't going to be changed due to the placement of the song within the game itself. I can appreciate the opinion of those who did enjoy it, and I completely agree with you that it was perfectly fitting for the scene in which it appeared. As an example, I'd assume that "My Heart Will Go On" was appropriate in the movie "Titanic," however, to the average person under the age of 45, it's about as enjoyable as landing face-first into a pile of rusted cheese graters.

Notice that I said I would assume it was appropriate. Yes, that's right, I've managed to avoid seeing the film to this very day. Both I and the 5 other people in this country who managed to successfully shoot the shit-walled gauntlet represented by Titanic and it's seemingly endless multititude of tie-ins and references which served only to make people feel as though they were missing out on something by neglecting to see it deserve some kind of award, if you ask me. However, giving a group which includes myself a Sexalicious Award is not unlike Hugh Hefner hiring a stripper to appear at his next birthday party. Or something. But what the hell, I'll do it anyhow. Here's to those of us who managed to avoid seeing that skank of a movie.

The Sexalicious Award should only be warn in the company of friends, close relatives and those of the middle class, as the more priveledged members of our society would undoubtedly look down upon you for wearing a small piece of paper attached to your lapel pocket by a paperclip.

Despite the national news articles declaring my passing, I still live in the shadows and away from the glaring eyes of the public. The supposed news of my death was started by none other than me. Now that everyone thinks I'm dead, I've finally been able to live out my life-long dream of becoming the guy who decides what prize to put in the box of Cracker Jacks. I thought that it might make things a bit more interesting if we were to mix small metallic thumb tacks in with the actual Cracker Jacks themselves. You know, to keep people guessing. Unfortunately, upper-management wasn't for the idea. You can't have any fun in this sue-crazy country anymore; it's a real shame.

As things stand, I'm leaning towards having the free toy be a small, unidentifiable lump of plastic. However, it's still a bit too early to rule out a small, unidentifiable piece of cardboard, or even a small, unidentifiable piece of some unidentifiable substance. I'll have to think it over for a bit. This is an important decision, you know. My choice will affect millions of children with a craving for popcorn covered in that patented sweet, brownish casing which people have foolishly assumed is a form of toffee.

Actually, Donkey Kong 64 is more of a traditional "get from one point to another" platform game, whereas Mario 64 and Banjo Kazooie both focused upon exploration. While the similarities between Mario 64 and Banjo Kazooie are undeniable, there are enough difference between the two games that they can both stand by their own merits. Not only that, saying that a game is similar to what is arguably one of the better games ever created is hardly a negative. I'll avoid the tired "just because they're both 3D platformers doesn't make them overly similar" argument for all of our sakes; you're tired of hearing it, and I don't feel like typing it.

And yes, Phantasy Star was most certainly ahead of its time. The Master System didn't exactly put the squeeze on Nintendo, but it did have its fair share of quality titles. A note to the wise , however: if you're interested in purchasing a Master System, or already own one, avoid Double Dragon like the plague. Unless you happen to enjoy the notion of not being able to see your characters or the enemies approximately 80% of the time thanks to what is perhaps the worst sprite clipping in the history of gaming, that is.

While I'm sure that the Japanese would dig hand drawn, super-deformed sprites going at it like gorillas during the mating season, I'm not so sure that would go over too well here in the West. You'd have to think of a way to disguise it as an "adventure of epic proportions spanning multiple discs" or something to that end.

Dude -- for one thing, the main character looks as though he's wearing the frog suit from Super Mario Brothers 3; he looks nothing like a proud and noble warrior. Secondly, he doesn't throw the swords so much as they come inexplicably flying from his chest in a vein effort to wound the game's enemies, which each require approximately 247 hits to do away with. Add to that the fact that every foe looks like either a giant bowling ball or some kind of pixelated, blob-like abomination, and you've got a real winner on your hands with Deadly Towers. Completing it is also an impossibility, thanks to the invisible "warp points." Deadly Towers is the E.T. of the NES.

Remember when you were a kid and you got a kick out of making board games with a "Go back 3 squares" spot, and a "Go ahead 3 squares" block preceding it by, coincidentally enough, 3 spaces? That's basically what you've got with Deadly Towers. At the risk of sounding harsh, I think that there may be something wrong with you to derive even the remotest enjoyment from Deadly Towers outside of mocking it with a group of friends.

For all of our sake, you may want to avoid passing your incomplete genetic code on into the gene pool. The last thing we need are a bunch of people swearing by Deadly Towers when they're not playing their favorite WWF game or the latest version of Mortal Kombat. Okay, so that was a bit harsh. But Deadly Towers makes even the most diehard of gamers want to wretch. You've either built up a high resistence to frustration, or you're just some kind of masochist.

Tonberry is a representation of one simple, yet profound truth: even the smallest of individuals, whether it be in physical stature, mental capacity, or emotional strength, can be truly powerful and fear-inspiring in their own right. From the shark tail, to the monk apparel and the odd clothing he wears, Tonberry is very much the embodiement of the underdog. He may look funny, and he may be a bit on the lesser side, but he is still a force to be reckoned with. Tonberry tugs at the very heart strings of the viewer through his subtle insinuations and insights into the human soul -- this is apparent upon a closer examination. Tonberry is, in and of himself, a work of animated art.

Sorry, I was a bit behind on my bullshit quota for the week. At any rate, I think everybody likes a goofy looking little pug-thing with a big ass knife.

Who actually pays close enough attention to that area of Sophitia and Seung in the heat of the battle to even notice such things?

Closing Comments

Okay, I think enough time has elapsed that I can safely use this topic of discussion for tomorrow's column. Yes, due to my absence for the past few days, Free Topic Friday is not to be this week. However, I think you're going to like the point of debate I've cooked up in my atrophied little mind as it's based entirely upon opinion.

So here it is: what do you think of Final Fantasy VIII? Has the epic storyline drawn you into the game as few others have, or did the whole love story thing leave you a bit cold, striking you as rather trite? Is the Junction System an intricate and highly customizable gem, or just a waste of time that only the most anal of retentives could possibly enjoy? You get the picture. Now write. Time's a'wastin'.

-Drew Cosner