Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Contents in the overhead bins may have shifted during flight. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Where in the world is Drew Cosner? On vacation, that's where. He'd hoped to get in the week's last column before he left, but he didn't get the chance, so instead you're stuck with me: Fritz Fraundorf, aka "that guy who hates Xenogears." I'll be handling letters next week as well, but I'm giving you all a sneak preview today of what kind of ramblings you can expect to see beginning the 6th. Just remember, no reviews or screenshots of this column are allowed until Monday, or you'll be fined $500 and lose your job.

And since nobody ever asked me what kind of original RPG settings I'd like to see, here's one for you anyway: a game where you play as some random guy. He isn't a spikey-haired adventurous, idealistic youth with a sword, nor is he a schizophrenic, emotionless, reluctant hero. He's just an average guy. And he doesn't save the world or overthrow an evil empire; he just does generic, everyday chores. He wakes up, does a bunch of stuff, and then goes back to sleep, and that's the end of the game.

That's an interesting theory, and one that could well prove true. The Dolphin is really still too far away for Square to be able to make a final call on it, and, since Square seems to be adamant in developing for only one system at a time, developing system-independent projects wouldn't be a bad idea.

My money's still on Square sticking with Sony (after all, Square's subsidiary Dream Factory is working on an PSX2 fighting game), but a Square-Nintendo alliance isn't out of the question. Of course, we all know that the best part of that interview was actually the revelation that Sakaguchi's daughter is a Pokémon fan. Will the madness ever end?

I'm not touching this one with a twenty-foot pole. But I'll bring the shotgun and the beer.

Normally, I'd offer a universally-accepted recommendation like River City Ransom or Wally Bear and the NO Gang, but then I realized that as Brian Glick never owned a NES (and consequently never played either of these classics), they are not truly universally accepted.

No, only one game deserves to claim the mantle of the best game ever: the only game that flawlessly combined the best of the RPG and rhythm action genres. Yes, that's right, the true Game of the Millennium is neither anime-themed RPG nor guitar rhythm game, but somewhere in between.

Hey, you asked.

As I was struck dumb by the coherency of this well thought out argument, Drew himself dropped off a response before jetting off to wherever he's headed.

The letter you sent me earlier this week spoke of a hoax that FF Online pulled, which has absolutely nothing to do with our FF IX story. The pictures we posted came from within Square itself, and are clearly labeled as being FF IX. We've stated from the outset that they could be preliminary sketches and concepts that won't make their way into the final form of the game; no secrets there. We're just reporting upon the facts.

Lastly, Digicube is a subsidiary that is fully owned by Square, not just some random company whose words have no portent, as you seem to feel is the case. If you don't believe the story, that's well enough, but there is nothing false or infactual about it.

By the way, the Final Fantasy IX section isn't exactly being concealed. Click the news button. Why, I do believe I see it clearly labeled right there. News about Final Fantasy IX on the news page? We are such devious bastards.

-Drew

I couldn't have said it any better.

Actually, that sounds quite a bit like the Megami Tensei (aka Revelations) series. While you don't actually play as a demon or angel (you're those aforementioned "normal human shmucks"), you can side with either good or evil and battle various demons and angels en route to obliterating whichever side you're fighting.

Unfortunately, the only games in the series to ever make it to North America are Persona and The Demon Slayer (Last Bible in Japan), both of which are part of spin-off series and neither of which feature multiple paths (at least not in the U.S. versions) or apocalyptic struggles. But that's what imports are for, right?

I hate to break it to you, but Drew isn't getting you anything for your birthday. After losing in a heated game of Double Agent Janken to AK and myself, Mr. Cosner was assigned to buy you the cake. Too bad he ate all the cake himself, that greedy bastard.

The magic eight ball says: "Your lucky color is red. Drink Coke, play again."

"Noh-boo-oh OO-eh-mah-tsu" might be the answer you're looking for, though.

That's actually not such a ridiculous prospect -- a number of games (FF VII, Xenogears) have featured off-camera, but heavily implied, sex, and we did see Ramsus sleeping with Miang in Xenogears. Xenogears also featured a fair amount of unexplicit nudity (apparently the designers were too busy thinking about sex to remember to make the game entertaining) -- though the lens flare covering Elly's breasts in the ending serves as a reminder it'll probably be some time before we see RPG characters having explicit cybersex on RPG message boards. But let's not forget the infamous Chu-Chu orgy scene:

This entire ellipsis-filled narration is accompanied by a blacked-out screen and constant squeaking and grunting sounds in the background. If that's not sex, I'm not sure what is. But don't let me have the final say on it; take the man's advice and make AK deal with the letters on this topic.

Closing Comments

Today's column was brought to you by the letter T and the number 3.

- Fritz Fraundorf, that guy who hates Xenogears