That darn Canuck is back, damnit - July 1st, 1999 - Allan Milligan
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Don't say I didn't warn you. :)
Well, that was annoying. I go out of town for a day, to visit my sick grandma, and by the time I return home, I discover that a toaster with an attitude problem has taken over my column and claimed to have killed me. Well, that simply won't do. So, upon returning, quietly set Ultron's robotic mind to the task of working out a single, coherent timeline and binding continuity between all the Mega Man games. Thus crippled, I unplugged him, reprogrammed him, and is now serving as a perfectly excellent coffee machine. Crisis is over. All that said, I'm in something of a rush tonight, because today is... Canada Day! Hooray! Yes, this is the birthday of my fine nation, and I will celebrate this grand occasion by working until midnight, cleaning toilets and doling out popcorn. Oh, it's a fine life. Since I went crazy with a schtick last column, today's will read a little easier. Rejoice, ye faithful. | Errors and goofs | Hey Ultron, Why do you and Allan make so many mistakes in this column? Every once in a while, I just go "that is such a big mistake, how could you not know that?" I mean, everyone knows this stuff, you know? - Josie and her Pussycats |
Well, no, no they don't. Contrary to what I claim (jokingly) at times, I don't know everything. Not even close. I've played a lot of games, and try to keep up with news, but there's a limit. I don't always have instanct recall. I don't always remember whether the PSX2 has a 300 or 350 mhz processor or whatever. I'm only human here. And in the end, one guy is not going to be able to consistently answer questions to the satisfaction of several hundred readers. There's always someone out there who'd phrase it better, or know the stat off the back of her hand, or simply knows the facts where I did not. But tell me something: do YOU honestly think you can answer 40+ questions a day, for several months, and always meet the scrutiny of hundreds of readers? Hint: not a bloody chance in hell. You're always wrong. That's the first rule of columning. | Forgetting Xenogears | Help! I have a problem! I've just started playing Xenogers for a secondtime on my large screen TV with surround sound. When I played it the firsttime it was on my 15 inch, monospeaker television set in my dorm room. Thedifference is huge! It's like a whole new game! But the problem is Ialready know the plot and what's going to happen. What can I do? I'velooked into hypnosis to remove the plot from memory, but all professionalpsychiatrists charge way too much for this. Right now I've decided to selfadminister blows to the head until I can't remember Xeno's plot. That isunless you can come up with a better suggestion. My life is in your handsMr. Agent! - Can't remember his clever nickname, but is positive it was |
I've got a simple suggestion: go play Tecmo: Secret of the Stars for a few days. All the time, day and night, all Tecmo, all the time. Play until the images of the game are burned into your corneas, and you understand perfectly why you beat the hell out of a housecat at the start of the game. By that point, your brain will be numbed by horror that you'll be able to play Xenogears without remembering a thing. In fact, the effect of SotS will probably render you unable to move for several years. That's the price you pay, I guess. | Xenofans | I'm a Xenogears fan, and although I disagree with people who put the gamedown, I don't send stupid flames either. And most Xenogears fans are likeme, I'm sure. I also maintain a Xenogears website, and there are people who send evilflames to me saying Xenogears is the worst game ever made, the plot sucked(and therefore I suck), etc. Maybe this is why we're so defensive...? Heh, and I predict your next saying will probably be "Hell hath no fury likea Star Ocean 2 fan".. the way people are reacting to the GIA's review. bye bye, Ultron-7. I hope you change back into Allan soon. =P ~Vera
DON'T MAKE FUN OF XENOGEARS YOU FAGS - FeiFan#1 |
The first letter here puts on display those I unfairly tar and feather when I gripe about Xenogears fans. My apologies. The second pretty much sums up why I had the bucket of tar out in the first place. I don't get this sort of bullshit as consistently as I do from Xenogears fans. Why, I have no idea. But there it is. | FF Collection soundtrack picks | Something disturbing just came to me... Squaresoft.com is asking for opinions for favorite songs in FFV, and it's rumored that this will influence what songs are on the track... But, being the innocent angels we all are... Most of us American gamers haven't played FFV... How are we supposed to vote for tracks for a game we haven't played? ^_^ (I voted for Hurry! Hurry! (V) & The Main Battle Theme (VI) =;) ~~roric http://come.to/gameiaqs (cheap plug for website ^_^) |
Maybe they're assuming that those who have played the game will shepherd mindless, FFV-free sheep into personal crusades to vote for their favourite tracks. Alternately, maybe it's simply a given that everyone accepts that Battle With Gilgamesh is the best piece of music from FFV. :) I voted for Gilgy, and Forever Rachel from FF6. I wish they could include some arranged tracks on the soundtrack, especially the Dear Friends remix of My Home Sweet Home, but that'd require a lot more money and paperwork, since the arranged tracks were performed by live artists who could potentially receive royalties. | The BEETLE? Bwah ha ha! | A reader today said "I don't know how hard it is to produce CGI scripts orsuch but it seems as if it requires enourmous amounts of detail." I'd like to clear something up. CGI stands for Common Gateway Interface.CG stands for Computer Generated (I believe). I'm working with CGI scriptsnow (trying to setup a CGI script site). CGI scripts are used to make yourweb site do dynamic things like a guestbook, counter, message board, formmailer, etc. Essentially they are programs designed for the internet.Actually, CGI isn't even a language. It's a specification that allows youto use languages like PERL (what I use), C, Apple Script, and more to doreally sweet stuff (they package it all under the name CGI) To the reader: If my memory serves me correctly, there is no such thing asCGI scripting in relation to making movies and I think that there is nosuch thing as CG scripting for making movies. We just refer to any pictureor movie as CG because (drum roll please...) it's computer generated. Ha! Even Ultron-7 couldn't figure that one out! BWA HA HA! Move overUltron-7... there's a new evil pressence in town! - The Beetle (a.k.a. John LaRusic) Find out how EVIL I am by visiting here. |
Thanks for the clarification regarding CG, CGI, and the like, but... the Beetle? Of all the fictional characters in the world to associate yourself with, you pick a ten-time loser like him? Come on, man. My kid sister could beat the hell out of the Beetle, and has a better fashion sense, too. | How to enjoy life | Dear GIA: Here's a sure-fire way to make sure you enjoy any RPG currently on the market. 1) Put the game in the console. 2) Play the game. 3) Continue to repeat: "Thank God this isn't Beyond the Beyond. Thank God this isn't Beyond the Beyond. Thank God this isn't Beyond the Beyond..." I've heard a lot of people bashing games here. Just yesterday somebody took a pot-shot at Megaman Legends. Some people don't like Xenogears or Lunar or Legend of Legaia. But I can't stop thinking how good all of the recent RPGs have been. Overall, quality is improving, so stop griping, people! Just thank God it isn't Beyond the Beyond anymore. Lord Pendragon |
This is, in fact, a valuable trick for keeping oneself happy in all areas of life. If your job sucks, think "at least I don't clean septic tanks with my tongue." If your relationship sucks and your partner is a jerk, think "at least I'm not dating Andrew Kaufmann." If all the world isn't making sense, if you're uncomfortable in your own body and the whole environment seems to be crumbling around you, think "wow, somehow I've been transported into the box art for Mega Man." You'll feel better in no time. | FILE NOT FOUND | READY? | This is Trini. I'm a seventeen year old gamer fan, 5'2", with light blondehair and bright green eyes. I'm athletic, 115 lbs., and my hobbies includefencing, reading, and writing. I probably won't get another chance likethis one, but I want to be your queen. I love you, Ultron. Your charismahas swayed me to love you like no fangirl can love a game.Please, spare my life and I will do your bidding and your pleasure. You dohave an *android* body, afterall, right? Save me and my neighborhood, onlyabout 200 humans, and we will be your willing slaves. I hope this offer was appealing enough to make you read this far. Love ya,Ulty. I know you will open one of my emails. Fortunately, all of them includeringing praises for your new world order. I want you to know that I toohave longed for the day of silicon domination, and am thankful that one soglorious as yourself has chosen to bring this day to us. However, as you have not made it clear exactly what your credentials arethat befit you to ruling the known world, I feel it is my duty to thwartyou. I estimated it would take you .34 nanoseconds to read this letter, andthe virus I included in it becomes active in approximately .07 nanoseconds.This virus was activated the moment you opened this email. It will not onlyerase all of your geographic databanks, thus forcing you to send yourrobotic legions blindly to attack random targets across the world andperhaps even causing your thermonuclear devices to strike your own staginggrounds, but it will also insert what I call the "emotion engine" into yoursystem files. This virus is compatable with all known operating systems andprocessors except for the Project Dolphin Mainframe Artificial Intelligenceprototype at Square laboratories. The emotion engine being inserted intoyour program files will create in you not only the desire to perform highlyglossy yet translatorially incomprehensible cutscenes full of dancing andfireworks, but also will instill a sense of love and joy toward all mankind,similar to the Jimmy Buffet virus I implanted into the Nintendo mainframesome 12 years ago. Thus afflicted by emotions, you will no longer be ableto continue your plans of domination against all mankind. Now, I know you are feeling very confident now, considering that you *are*an android, and thus are not connected to any computer system. That is whya secondary virus has been linked into a the horn of a car that passed byyour window around 12:45 a.m. central standard time. The sound itself willenter the same virus into your android body's computer processor. Finally,a team of commando nanites of my devising should currently be burrowingtheir way through your skin, implanting the virus in all systems they comeacross. Frankly, my friend, you are dead as you once were. You shall nowlive out the rest of your days creating the sequel to Brave Fencer Musashi,and it will be filled with very pretty CGI. Goodnight, Ultron. Rest in Peace. Please, if you ever intend to try thisagain, provide some credentials first, and we may be able to avoid all ofthis unnecessary . . . hassle. --Tai-sa |
Sadly, Ultron was already non-functional by the time this email was opened, and therefore *I* was the one to have commando nanites burrow into my skin and be implanted with computer viruses. Moreover, the virus released by the email reduced my backup drive to slag, and every time I try and load up Norton Disk Doctor, the machine just makes a soft whimpering noise. Thanks a lot, Tai. My lawyer will be contacting you shortly. | Everyone's a critic | How could you leave Clash at Demonhead out of your awful box art special? The only way this could be explained would be if you haven't played the game before (which wouldn't be too surprising since nobody seems to know about it, and with good reason). It's so horrible. Maybe not Mega Man horrible, but pretty dang bad. You should add a section to the feature where readers can send in more bad box art so glaring ommisions like this can be remedied. That is all. -thomservo |
Everyone in the free world, short William Shatner, wrote in to suggest their own candidate for the worst box art of all time. This hasn't prevented Mega Man from trouncing all comers in both voting and email comments, mind you. Basically, we at GIA decided to do a quick, funny little feature, each picked a game whose box art we hated, and that was that. This isn't an all-encompassing epic history of crappy box art. It's just a few bad ones put on display. Be that as it may, we'll probably include some extra suggestions in the announcement of the winner. Which will be Mega Man, by a landslide. | Defense of a cynic | Let's see if we can read shall we?On the Partial Translations DQV screen we seen..well it's a table..here's a mock up..my satire is in ()'s.... Section:% Complete Menus: 100% (Shock..wow..this normally takes only a few days to do..not to pick on the hackers skills or nothing..) Items: Less than 20%(Um...this doesn't look good.....) Spells:10%(um..that's no where near 100.....) Dialog:0%(Whoa....) Then it goes on to say... "Dialog work is being done at this time. We will not be releasing another patch until the game is finished. Current progress is as follows: All 8x8 text is done. All of the dialog is translated. ASM work is about 85% done. A patch will be out when the ASM work and script editing come to a close and all bugs have been worked out." Now as a rom hacker myself let me say this...Any hacker in this field can tell you that every rom is diff..what you think is 85% done can snap you in the ass quickly. script editing means that they haven't been able to fit the whole dialog into the rom itself..this can be a problem. NO WHERE on the site do they say "Expect a patch soon" They say rather "A patch will be out when....". I'd go on record that if the hacker of this group(Which is one I don't know much about) has three hours a day it could still come down to months before he gets it done. Now in defence by the screenshots it looks like they've done a damn good job on the game..and I can't wait to play it again(I don't know as much Jap as I used to...:( ) So as for me being clueless to what I'm talking about I beg to differ..I've been around the emu "scene" before it was a "scene". I hope that you will print this Allan so I can defend myself to whoever this person is..and to Partial Translations..I hope to see the patch soon, sooner the better. Raven PS:You are going to get a copy of the demo for Crono Cross and delight the millions....aren't you? :) |
Yeah, right. If I got a copy of the CC demo, do you honestly think I'd be willing to share? Nosireebob. I'm a greedy bastard. Anyway, as requested, I printed your rebuttal to the Partial Translations issue. And this is, until I have the completed patch on my HD, the end of the discussion in here. Discussion hypothetical or maybe not ROM patches isn't exactly the key thrust of the column, y'know? | Multi-headed assault | I see you've succumb to the "RPG columnist creating characters to do his work for him syndrome." It hit Josh Reid quickly and it was beginning to overtake Michael Greenhut. Some people manage to withstand it, but they never last all that long. It's a sad, sad thing. You poor delusional bastards, you just never had a chance. Now about the statement of "I plan to purchase a Sega Dreamcast." Obviously it means that the hypnotic swirl that Sega uses for it's Dreamcast logo has gotten to you. To everyone else out there: Beware the swirly, hypnotic coffee stain. The best way to handle a Xenogears fan is to bring up the tower of Babel over and over again. You're not going to get them to agree with you on any other point, but even they flinch in pain at the thought of it. Only masochists replay Xenogears. I also have the sad duty to inform you that your site has lost 30 cool points due to having a banner for Britney Spears. If I see a banner for the Backdoor Boys I'll be forced to terminate you. And finally, who is Nick Maragos? He's listed as nominating the box art for Phalanx in the Awful Box art competition. I checked the staff page just to check to see if I had managed to miss the addition of a new staff member, but I didn't see a listing. Locke828 Tee hee Xenogears fans are funny. |
I've only ever done the in-character column once, namely yesterday, and don't intend to repeat it. It actually seemed to go over pretty well, and satisfied my desire to do something very strange with the column for a day, but it's a firm belief of mine to never overuse a given gag. Tuesday was set-up, Wednesday was the joke, today is fallout, and there'll be no mention of Ultron tomorrow at all. Three-day timeframe. I have seen the Britney Spears ad, and I, too, wept. If I see a banner with the Backseat Boys in it, I will probably terminate myself out of shame. Nich Maragos is a longtime pal to the GIA staff, freelance Vaulter, and will be working on the Community section with us in the future. I don't think we've formally inducted him into the staff, but I'm pretty sure we will once he returns from his vacation. And by gum, I'll own a Dreamcast and like it, and don't even start me on the Tower of Babel. | MODding hell | While I'm tempted to ask "Just what the hell WAS that?" I'm gonna guessthat your little transformation yesterday had a lot to do with the wholesystem specs thing going on for the last few. Regardless of that, I've aquestion for you. I have a normal MOD chip in my Playstation, which translates into "I'mscrewed when Legend of Mana comes out." What's worse, I've heard reportsthat the English versions of UmJammer Lammy and FF8 will not play on amodded PSX. Now, I've heard rumours about a type of MOD chip which isbuilt to bypass this sorta thing, and I also know that either a MOD +Gameshark or a device called the Pro Action Replay (alone, without MODchip) will allow you to play protected games unmolested. What have youheard about the new MOD chips, Agent? This appears to be the farpreferable option, but if it comes out false, I'm stuck with getting myMOD chip removed and getting a PAR device. (RRRRAAGGH! What a pain inthe butt. Leave us importers _alone_, Sony.) Anyway. Help would be appreciated, and I'd love to be able to tap yourreader base for info. Thanks a bunch in advance! ~Game Cat |
Consider the base tapped, Cat daddy-o. I haven't touched the mod chip scene in quite a while, so I'm calling on the rest of you: what's the deal? Enlighten us, kemosabe. And yes, I know what kemosabe means, you nitpicky little bastards. Shut up already.
Closing Comments HAPPY CANADA DAY! It's time for this little agent to get good and sloshed. Seeya. - Allan Milligan
| | | |
