Double Agent
I've got the Weeping Gorilla Blues - June 2nd, 1999 - Allan Milligan

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Don't say I didn't warn you. :)


This is late, so I'll keep it short.

Click the bleeding banners or this site goes down in flames and is then pissed on. If this means you find out why Math is Power once a day (only clickthrough once or twice a day, mind), so be it. Do it for us. Do it for the gipper. I don't know what a gipper is, I don't know why it's so interested in those crotchless panties I bought Stacey, but dammit, do it for the gipper anyway.

Any questions?

Meet the Brainlord fan

i first oof would like to say that your probably the coolest man on the face of the planet (not counting anyone that works for squaresoft).

But dissing Brainlord???? You really need to lay off the pixy-sticks.

I rent (and beat, not to brag) all of my rpg's. I usually buy the god ones, and of course have to buy all the imports. But after spending only a week on FF6, i was really disapointed (although it's one of the best of all time). I found Brainlord by accedent, wanting to rent another game, but getting the wrong one. No game has EVER had a challenge like that. I went through 3 controlers trying to beat that damn thing (throwing them and smashing 'em, etc....)

Yes, i admit, the SLIGHTLY overloaded on the puzzles, but how could you not like something that made you work at EVERY doungeon?? Most rpg's have there chalenges, but many parts can be walked through with ease. I spent so many hours on that game, i bought stock in caffne pills.

So, play lolo, have no respect fo rthe all-time bad-ass puzzle rpg. Then again, was Final fantasy mistic quest tough for you too???

- GameMstr25


I rented Brainlord, too. I rented it over a weekend, since I was laid up with the flu. Since I still considered Enix a sure-fire source for great games, I picked it up without looking at the box at all. Figured "Hey, Brainlord, this should be clever and interesting." I was, in fact, wrong on both counts. Brainlord certainly has some interesting puzzles. If there was any other reason to recommend the game, that might be exciting. As it stands, it had substandard graphics, centred on perhaps the most disproportionate and bizarre-looking hero in RPG history. It had dull, unemotional music and barely adequate sound effects. The controls were slippery at best. The plot was virtually nonexistent. The combat engine was totally devoid of any strategy or finesse on any but the boss battles, which instead boasted required the memorization of attack patterns and the patience of Solomon. Tedious doesn't even begin to cover it. The one and only redeeming quality to the game were the puzzles. So, I ask all of you, why in the world should I slog through a substandard game to solve good puzzles, when I can just buy a puzzle game to start with?

Other RPGs have intergrated puzzles better than Brainlord. Tougher, smarter games which don't slack in other aspects. Alundra. Wild Arms. Lufia 2. Zelda, for chrissakes. I rented Brainlord one rainy weekend when my vision was swimming with nausea. I finished it in two days flat, and never looked back. It takes more than decent puzzles to make a great game, and Brainlord was not a great game.

Fixing what once went wrong

I ask of you a question, a query handed down by gnarled hands through theraging waters of time. A question that has stumped humanity at every turn,one that not even the most brillant of man can answer. And so I have cometo you, the frighteningly intelligent Double Agent. No task is tooinsurmountable for you, O Great and Wise Double Agent, so it is only youwho can solve the final question of the universe...

Why do hot dogs come in packages of eight, and hot dog buns come inpackages of six?

- A hallucenigenic jaywalker that shuffles mindlessly through the alleywaysof Planet Xaxxon


It all goes back to the gorillas.

Once upon a time, back in the days when man was weak and wobbly-kneed, still praying to nonexistent gods and claiming that they received answers, gorillas were the true rulers of the world. While men hurried about in chariots and stabbed swine with sticks, the gorillas were controlling things from behind the scenes. They designed the pyramids. They created the Colossus of Rhodes. They discovered that the world was round, millenia before anyone else conceived of the idea, even the Moslems, who are usually ahead of the game in this sort of thing. Yes, the gorillas ruled all with a furred fist. Until one day, tired of having their lives run by creatures who can't reliably program a VCR, the high-ranking gorillas were turfed out of their positions of power. They were cast out of the light for all time. But before they left, the gorillas snuck one last piece of culture into public consciousness, through the use of bananas laced with a hypnotic drug. From that moment onwards, they deemed that sausages would always be made in packages of eight, and sausage buns in packages of six. And so it was.

Centuries hence, most people know nothing of the great, secret gorilla empire. Yet, no matter how many times we question the hot dog and bun question, it can never be solved, for we have the mind-controlling narcotics of the gorillas in our brains still, passed down from generation to generation. The gorillas have lost their power, but they will damn our civilization to the end of its days.

Making it

I've had this crazy idea about using the mini-disk technology in a portable game system. Sony has already gotten them to equal the CD storage capacity, and they are extremely popular in Japan. I know you can't do anything, but I just like to get my crazy ideas out there so somebody may build one. If it did get built...RPG makers would probably make lots of games for it...well anyway that's just a dream...I hope someday I can use these crazy ideas of mine....

Shadow_Hunter


I actually think a mini-disc based portable system would be a rather cool idea. I'd pay a hundred and fifty dollars for such a thing, if the games were good. I give your idea the Agent seal of approval. Now all you need it a multimillion dollar production company to complete the design, millions spent on advertising and manufacturing, plus the support of a few dozen software developers, distribution costs, and we're all set.

Music recording fun!

Hey kiddies, here's a fun way to get any music from any video gameonto your comp! As long as you have a small amount of technical knowledgeand about $5, you should have no problems.

You'll need the following stuff:

- A decent speed computer, with a sound recorder and Wave to MP3 program.

- A console/TV, in the same room as the computer

- A patch cable from Radio Shack. The specific type you need [write thisdown]is a female phono plug to male computer plug chord. One end will have twoplugs matching those in the back or your TV, while the other end willlook like theend of a speaker wire, or pair of headphones. If all else fails, bringalong a pairof headphones and the AV cables from your console to check. Try not togigglelike schoolgirl when asking for it.

Step 1: Use a watch to find out how long the song is. Open up yoursound recording program, and make a new wave file. In most cases, thedefaultlength will be 60 seconds, which is never quite enough time. For theWindowssound recorder, keep moving the slider to the end of the file and hittingrecordto increase the file's length until the thing is the right amount oftime.

Step 2: Plug the audio cables [Red and white] from the into the patch chord. Stick the other end into the microphone jack of your computer'ssoundcard. Take the video cable [Yellow] and stick it into the matching portin the backof the TV.

Step 3: Turn on the console. Get to whatever point in the game at whichthe music you want starts playing. Hit the record button in the program afewseconds before it starts, given it will probably take a few seconds forit to get going.Stop when done.

Step 4: If you've got some kind of crazy software that allows you tofiltersounds, have at it. Pull out any slight hissing, or such. Then run thewave throughyour MP3 making program. And that's it.

NOTE: The wave file can take up to 100 megs of space, and if you try to listen to it before converting it to MP3, then your system will mostlikely go to a crawl for a half hour while it loads, if it doesn't crash first. If theend result is reallypoor, with heavy crackling during any loud parts of the music, then youneed toturn the recording volume down.

Confused? Me too. Feel free to mail me for assistance/clarification.

- Max


Max's email address is juno@sanitorium.com. He is wise in the ways of, y'know, stuff.

Good mojo

DISCLAIMER: The Internet is a medium for the exchange of ideas. Thoughtsand concepts are shared there. It is possible that people who use it maybegin thinking about things they never did before. If this idea disgusts,frightens, or revolts you, please refrain from using the Internet in anyway, shape, or form.

- Pteryx


Now THAT is a disclaimer, kids. If it wouldn't make me look like a putz, I'd swipe this one. :)

Naughty, naughty, AV

"If RPGs were dating prospects, then Shadow Madness is the ugly girlwith the great personality. And no one wants to make it with apersonality." -Andrew Vestal

Am I just an experiment gone horribly, terribly wrong for not caringabout a girl's looks when pondering whether or not to engage in randybehavior? I think I am, that also explains why I enjoy 7th Saga anddon't like peanuts while visiting the GIA on a daily basis. AV must be areal playa...

The wild mongoose that hides underneath the covers in Bob


AV ruffled a few feathers with that little analogy. Tsk. Could've been worse, mind you. I mean, in his place, I would've compared it to a backstage tryst with Richard Simmons during an ABBA concert in Madrid, where the lights are low and the beat is always heard, pounding, pounding...

Ahem. Anyhow, you're not a total freak for not being overly concerned with a girl's (or, in the reverse position, a guy's) looks when doing the nasty with them. I mean, it takes a truly repulsive individual to make you stop in mid-gasp and say "man, you're an ugly son of a bitch", y'know? Still, in terms of dating, which the quote addresses, most people will steer towards the sex goddess in the third row. Call it a guy thing. Call it hormones. Call it the Zeta-Jones Effect.

I haven't the faintest idea what the hell I'm saying anymore, so let's move along.

Art and Amano

Hey. If this isn't the correct address to send Double Agent correspondence,I apologize, but that's where this letter's meant to go, and seeing as youare the "Double Agent"...

Anyway, in Response to Matt Blackie's criticism of Amano as Final Fantasyconceptual artwork : I think Mr. Blackie has failed to grasp two criticalwords here: "conceptual" and "artwork," and is basically being absurdlyprosaic in his interpretations.

First, the "conceptual" bit: yes Amano's designs are ethereal, delicate, andfrequently strange, but they are in the truest sense "conceptual": theydon't make it into the games in any literal form, and their idiosyncracy ispart of their charm. No, I wouldn't necessarily want to play an FF game inwhich my band of soldiers comes off as a bunch of nocturnal waifs, but tohave these illustrations as a starting point is in my opinion fascinatingand mysterious, and leads to more interesting results than Tetsuya Nomura'shomogenous casts of spiky anime badasses. Just because Edgar and Terra aredrawn wispy and delicate doesn't mean they are or should be wispy anddelicate in the final product, and Square's designers understand this.

Second, and really more critically, Amano's work must be viewed as "art,"it's quite a lot more esoteric and rich than simple character designs, andyou shouldn't interpret it as literally. Rather than a simplistic layoutstating "this is what this character will look like, and this is what hewill wear, and this is the color of his hair..." Amano's work is art in andof itself, and from that standpoint I think it's not only fantastic, butbrilliantly suited to the Final Fantasy series. Under the ultimatelysuperficial wars and revolutions. all the recent FF's are ultimately aboutemotional, personal, and frequently tragic human events and emotions, andAmano manages to convey this aspect of Final Fantasy very eloquently, andalong with Nobuo Uematsu's scores, was largely responsible for making thosesuperdeformed sprites and simplistic plot structures seem like so much more.

Much of Mr. Blackie's criticism centers on a perceived inconsistency betweenAmano's character depictions (as I've said, "designs" seems inappropriate)and their in-game personalities and lifestyles. I again think he's beingliteral to the point of absurdity, and I largely disagree with his characterinterpretations as well. First off, the long fingernails, slenderproportions, and delicate features are simply part of Amano's style, and tocall them "inaccurate" is every bit as silly as criticizing the in-gamesprites for depicting everyone as short and fat: it's a style, not astatement.

Mr. Blackie suggests that Amano's design of Terra is inconsistent with hershyness, and argument that doesn't hold water for any number of reasons. Hefirst suggests that her mode of clothing is inappropriate, which may in someliteral sense be true, but is nontheless ridiculous. FF's without exceptiondeal primarily in exploration and war: buy rights all the characters shouldbe wearing strictly utilitarian clothing, in many cases uniform, and I don'tthink any of us wants that. In any case, Terra's garb isn't particularlysillier than Cloud's purple bodysuit or Tifa's short shorts, for example, ifrather more esoteric. As far as betraying Terra's character, what Iinterpreted as the most fundamental aspect of her character is her fragilityand otherworldliness, and Amano communicates this brilliantly. The idea thata soldier should have a tan is so silly as to barely merit a response; it'scalled artistic license, Final Fantasy is hardly about hardcore realism. andTerra's paleness and fragility again communicate her alien, otherwordlycharacter well before we find out she actully isn't human, and is in thissense masterful and quite appropriate. Really, you need to drop these"realism" arguments when discussing Final Fantasy character designs: I forone have no interest in seeing Final Fantasy heros and heroines asmusclebound, battle-scarred, plainly garbed soldiers. Mr. Blackie alsosuggests that Edgar's design is counter to his perceived status as "machoman" and all around alpha male. First off, the fingernails argument isridiculous: Amano isn't trying to suggest that Edgar actually doesn't cuthis fingernails, it's an artistic affectation on Amano's part. It's art.Don't take it so literally. And second, I think Amano's portrayal of Edgaras a louche dandy is in many ways accurate: he was raised in royal comfort,he's a clever diplomat more than a warrior, and he's a playboy who's alwayscompelled to try and charm women even in the most inappropriatecircumstances. Amano's artwork is very much in line with this, I think, andis far more interesting than your typical armored, hyper-masculine knightcaricature (which seems to be what Mr. Blackie wants). In this case I thinkyou've just misunderstood Edgar, in addition to your customary excessivelyliteral slant.

In short, consider Amano's designs as art, and view them with from thatperspective rather than a literal one, and I think you'll be better able toapreciate them. In any case, those who'd rather see straightforward, literalcharacter designs should no doubt be thrilled with Square's decision to useNomura instead (or are those too flashy and unrealistic as well?). I for onethink that the shift from Amano's nocturnal, ethereal demimonde to Nomura'sviolence, leather, and hard stares is a crtitical part of Final Fantasy'sincreasing soullessness, but that's another, more contentious argument foranother day. ;) If anyone wants to argue it, write into the column or emailme at ad339@is7.nyu.edu.

At any rate, though I've never been compelled to write in before, I thinkyou run a fantastic column, and manage to be infinitely more interestingthan your usual letters hack. And that's actually meant to be sincere,

-pko


Whew. Lots to mull over there, and a nice compliment to me, which I humbly thank you for.

Truly uncharted waters

Well, at last I found some one in the english speaking world that actually like the Uncharted Water series. I'm just writing to let people know that the series is well alive and kicking in Japan and most Asian countries, as matter of fact part IV of the series: Puerto Estado just came out recently, and I'm anxiously waiting for the chinese release to come out and enjoy this great series once again. the serie has taken more dramatic steps toward RPG gaming, in part III there were only two main characters, and you get to go on land marks such as Minos island and Transilvania (I'm sure I missed the spelling) and fight the vampire to save your fiancee. But I don't think there is any chance of it being released in the West at all....first of all Koei has never been concerned with Graphics too much(though they have recently), and there probably some issues in the games that won't get pass the parents, Such as the existance of slavery(slaves can be bought or sold as goods) in part III. Lastly I want to remind people that there is a Gaiden(side story) of Uncharted Waters II that has two new main characters; one is a Girl that fell in love with the Italian guy in UW II and get her own ship to chase him down, and the other a young pirate who triea to become the next great one(I won't spoil too much here). Thegaiden was definitely more focused on story that UW II.


In the future, I ask you to break your letters into paragraphs a bit more evenly, please. Be that as it may, I, at least, appreciate the information about the "lost" Uncharted Waters games.

The Nation

The shooter with the flying head as the "main character" is from a game called Zombie Nation, I think. For the NES of course and all that. How do I know? I used to read all of those old Nintendo Power magazines as if I had nothing better to do. That and the fact that before my local video store went under due to the "might" that is Blockbuster Video, they had the most obscure games ever imagineable for rental. I mean, I played River City Ransom, Clash at Demonhead, (better than most Mega Man games, IMHO!!), Stinger (shouldn't it have been named TwinBee or something?), and little known games at the time called Dragon Warrior 2 and Final Fantasy 2 (SNES. Yes, years later)

It was incredible! They even had imports of Japanese games for rent, and specifically done so that you wouldn't need a converter. They were incredible before they got screwed over. ^_^

So anyway, I should be doing a 20 page report and I'm just killing time now and I'm drifting. I hope I helped with "Zombie Nation" though. Geez, Obscure games used to be my thing until renting FF2 from that store... the memories...

- Dark Paladin


Everyone in creation wrote in to tell me the game was Zombie Nation. It's true. Scary, but completely true.

Definitions

Double agent,

i need your help. i am writing my english final on art and style in RPG's. what i need to help me put it all together, is a decent definition of a Role Play Game. what makes a game an RPG? Could you please answer me? : Þ thanks.

jarrod "yes its me Mrs. Kabala" pritchard


This is a dodgy question, since it can be easily argued that all video games are, in fact, RPGs of a sort. Which doesn't help you any. So, I'll go for the quick 'n dirty:

A video game RPG is a game designed to emulate the stylings and mechanics of tabletop role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons. They feature numeric representations of combat statistics, usually place great emphasis on plot development, and on immersing the player within a given world or quest.

There's a hell of a lot of room for dispute here, and I'll be hearing about it, but I hope that'll serve the purposes of your english final adequately.

Closing Comments

The disclaimer was moved back to the top of the column, and I've also taken to putting the pull text/title, date, and author at the top, for quick and easy reference. Tonight was a frightfully late update, and I vow that tomorrow's will be earlier, so help me Gipper. Ciao, cool cats.

- Allan Milligan


 
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