Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I'm so retarded I can't take a sedative. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Well, I finally finished Final Fantasy X today, and the ending was every bit as good as everyone had been telling me. Despite the complaints I had with the game (like Yuna's voice acting making me cringe), I was definitely left wanting more. I hope those rumors about a FFX Gaiden end up bearing some truth; it would be a perfect way to ignore FFXI's existence entirely.

Of course, I've learned not to get my hopes up when it comes to game rumors. I can imagine Square holding a press conference to electrify the industry with the announcement of Saga Frontier 2 Gaiden.

Getting to matters at hand, prepare for what just may be the most single-minded column in the history of DA. Nearly everyone who wrote in more or less felt that Microsoft would stand to make a better profit if they sold condoms at a retirement home. I'll try to spice things up by playing Devil's advocate where I can, but it's hard to argue with a stance you agree with.

But first a letter that has nothing to do with today's topic at all.

Look, I'm going to be honest: I'm not much of a fan of WD's current titles. I guess the "nostalgia" part of my brain is defective or something, but I'm just not interested in playing gussied-up versions of 10-year-old games. I'm also not particularly enamored by the "humor" the company injects into its translations, probably because I hate everything and have no sense of humor. Obviously, it's to each his own, but that's how I feel.

However, I'm all for WD's practice of stripping a story down to its bare basics and rebuilding it from there for the benefit of a different audience. Every language has its nuances, and attempting to "translate" in the strictest sense of the word leads to wooden, lifeless translations. I want the story handed to me in a way that captures its original spirit, but makes best use of my native tongue. I feel WD goes out of its way to do that. So, yeah, there's the thoughts of a non-fan, for whatever they're worth.

And now, let the Xbox-bashing begin.

I'll take this moment to briefly recap my take on the Xbox's performance in Japan. Actually, this can be extended to all consoles in Japan, but follow me for a minute.

Sony now owns 19% of Square's shares. (Stupid rhyme not intended.) Despite what Square may say, unless the next PlayStation tanks horribly, you can bet that Square is going to stick in the comfy Sony camp. Know which side your bread is buttered on, and all of that.

Now, it's no exaggeration to say the two most important franchises to Japanese gamers are the Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest series. And since Enix would be insane to put their series on another console, forcing it to go head-to-head with Square's behemoth, I'm willing to make the prediction that wherever Final Fantasy goes, so Dragon Quest shall go as well. In other words, Japan is pretty much in Sony's back pocket for the forseeable future. Other consoles don't stand a chance.

Sure, if the PS3 does bomb, Square would no doubt move its development efforts to another console, but since the company all but guarantees the success of a console, I just don't see that happening. That's my take on the situation, anyway. Feel free to dissent; it will make the column more interesting tomorrow.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: Microsoft is trying to go after Sony's crowd over a year after the fact, without providing the goods. The Xbox has no strong, exclusive titles, in any of the genres that matter most to Japanese gamers. Let's face it; the average Japanese gamer isn't going to have to think very long when deciding between Final Fantasy and Munch.

Too many important developers are taking a "wait-and-see" approach, and that's going to kill Xbox in Japan. North America is still up in the air, since a lot of American developers are interested, but I just don't see the system flying in Japan.

You know, a lot of Westerners scoff at this notion. All I can say is that in Japanese households, size really, really does matter. The fact that Microsoft stuck a convex Xbox insignia on the lid so nothing can be stacked is just the icing on the foot kicking you in the ass.

Let me explain it this way: American products have a certain stigma attached to them in Japan. I remember pulling out a vacuum cleaner in front of my Japanese roommate, baffled as he began to snicker. He told me that it was a perfectly American product: big, ugly, and noisy. Japanese are going to look at the Xbox and have their stereotypes reaffirmed: it's big, and it's definitely ugly. I've heard it's not noisy, though, so I guess MS got one thing right. Nevertheless, I think you get the point: the assumption is that American products suck, and the Xbox's design does little to dispel those stereotypes on first glance.

Wow, not much I can add here. Moving on.

Just doing my part to stoke intelligent discourse.

I have to admit, I don't exactly understand the logic behind that little promotion. If I think something sucks, the autograph of the person ultimately responsible for it isn't going to pursuade me to make the purchase. It's like saying somebody can kick you in the crotch as long as they sign your balls first. Okay, not really, but it's late, and when I get tired, my allegories begin to make little sense.

While I applaud Microsoft's massive, massive Japanese Xbox campaign, I'm not sure how much good it will do them. They need to offer a limited edition Xbox with Japanese-developed titles gamers over there actually care about; that would work, I think.

Closing comments:

You know, a lot of people have accused we DAs, and on occasion the entire staff, of being "Square whores." To some extent it's true; we like Square's games as much as any other RPG freak. Some even say that we over-represent Square in our news articles, but the reason for that impression should be obvious: the company has tons of high-profile titles, and most of our readers are fans. In fact, Square news stories are always guaranteed hits. I'm pretty sure we could run a story like "Sakaguchi wipes ass" and it would get more hits than the majority of our reviews.

However, being the curmudgeon that I am, I'm going to let you all air your grievances with the company. How's that for melioration. Just as an example, I'll tell you what I'm sick of. I'm sick of every single Final Fantasy raising the difficulty of the boss fights at a reasonable pace until you get to the insanely difficult final battle. As long as I've been playing the games, the last dungeons and battles have struck me as being punishment for not tracking down obscure, vaguely-alluded-to sidequests and/or buying the strategy guide. When I'm getting into the narrative, I don't want to take a 15 hour time-out talking to every NPC in creation multiple times hoping they'll drop enough hints that I'll be able to piece together an entire sidequest.

But hey, that's just me. So I ask you, readers: what does Square do that you've just about had it with? Whether it be business practices, design practices, or whatever, I want to know. I do so love my bitchin'.

-Drew Cosner