Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. "I need a sexy name for tonight's col." "Suzanne?" "Isabella?" "Lulu?" Don't say we didn't warn you.

Now there's a misleading title.

2001 has not, from my particular vantage point, been a standout year for "hot" sprites & polygonal sex on wheels. Squaresoft can usually be counted on to deliver a bishounen badass or heartthrob hero to make my underthings sticky, but alas, this year I get ... Seymour.

On the other hand - were I male or even a member of the other camp, this would've been another bumper year for babes. All things considered, though, there aren't a lot of contributions I can make to this discussion, for my appreciation of Lulu's honkin' big ta-tas is merely aesthetic admiration. And regrettably even that only goes so far - I'm disturbed not by their flagrant defiance of gravity, but by their anatomical incorrectness. Dude, the way those are sitting ... there should be serious nipple showing.

That said ... let's get on with this.

Dealing with Diversity (FFX spoilers)

Agent, I notice that our dearest Drew didn't notice that Monday was supposed to be Dragon Warrior VII day. Also a quick message - damnit, Drew, if people are going to be obsessed with video game characters, don't you think they'd be in love with more than just one? Anyhow, here's my SEXY list. 1) Rikku. What can I say? After looking over the FFX manual for the first time I just knew she would be my favorite. This comes after YEARS of deliberately not looking at any information about this game. If she were real, she'd be one of those women I'd spend my life wishing that she ... *ahem* "swings that way", only to be unable to actually talk to her out of sheer nervousness. And no, the eyes don't bother me, nor her unusual posture. Marvelously well done, I thought, for the Al Bheds seem to be a race that lives primarily on ships. Besides, her nose is perfect. PERFECT. Make of that what you will. And no, I don't consider a nose fetish to be too "creepy" for today's column. So there. 2) Gwen. From Harvest Moon : Save the Homeland. Normally I don't go for the blondes, but she and Rikku are so damned spunky I just couldn't resist. She has a hell of a left hook, too. I've spent countless hours playing this game just to see scenes featuring Gwen. How sad is that? 3) Auron. Yep, another FFX character, this time a male one. Ronin, mysterious, big sword, and sake. What more could a girl ask for? Of course, at a certain point in the game, I came to the sudden, painful realization that lusting after him was wrong for more reasons than the fact that he's a video game character. *pout* (If you feel that's a spoiler, Agent Erin, please feel free to mark me.) 4) Aira, from Dragon Warrior VII. What? She wears a red leather bikini and carries a big sword. Do I really need to explain that one? Note to self : Big sword seems to be a reoccurring theme in the last two characters. What can I say? To quoth, "I like swords." 5) Farah, Tales of Destiny 2. There's something about her description in the instruction booklet that's I'd like to point out. She's 5'3", 101 pounds, 17 years old, and is both a farmhand AND a martial arts expert. If that didn't tip you off to the fact that she's not real, nothing will. Still, she's amazingly good looking for a figment of somebody's imagination. I think the real attraction for her is based on the fact she has green hair. Yes, I'm female. If anyone has ANY problems with my top five being 4/5ths women... well, too bad. ~arc

Trust me, my friend: I don't think anyone's gonna have any problems with that.

For my part, your letter serves to make me acutely aware of the fact that, were I stuck on Spira with Tidus' bunch, I'd have no choice but to resort to necrophilia, myself.

In any case, don't be too hard on Drew - I didn't exactly specify that I wanted to do DW tonight. We've put it off months, now - I think we can roll with another day.

Oooh, and his HAIR! Simply ... Mesmerizing! (FFX spoilers - particularly in my witty reply)

Nice subject. And in a year without a Tomb Raider released. Well, A (new) game in the series anyway. I should point out that now, with all, oh, 6000000 games that got released last month most people probably havn't gotten that far into most to judge a character on his/her 'hotness', as it where. Myself, I can, even though I havn't gotten that far into anything. I nominate FFX's Wakka. Sure, I mean, drooling over an fictional, polygonal character may be pathetic, but so far none of our fictional polygonal characters have had Voices.Nor have they been damn HOT. I could obsess about it as much as I want to, but my happy is caused by the fact that he's not some pyscho macho dick head either. But oh, The pan of him they did on the intial beach scene was enough to make me drool. Hell, every scene with him makes me drool. Thinking of the dude makes me drool. Enough Rambling. I nominate PSO for most "Ass Slapping" award. Have you seen the character art? I think that Ash and the Ranger are whoring Sue. Oh yes. Indeed. -XZellDx

Well. I would go with Wakka ... but I'd be thinking of Auron.

Actually I'd be thinking ... did Square forget that there's a goodly number of female FF fans...?

Wakka didn't immediately smoke my synapses like he did yours ... but I could see myself cohabitating with him after Yuna unfortunately reduced my first choice to a flurry of prismatic sparkles. Then again, I suppose we're not talking about "What vg character from 2001 can you most see yourself in a stable longterm relationship with...."

Classic good-looks

Hottest game character of 2001? Five words: Princess Peach. What a fox. ~Michiru

Uh-huh.

How entirely PC of you

Ms. Slaphouse: Weird, weird topic. No virtual babe has anything on my girl, of course, but since we're on the subject, I suppose I'd have to nominate Konoko from Oni. I nominated Oni for "Disappointment of the Year" yesterday so this choice may be somewhat ironic-- but disappointment or no, it's still a good game, and Konoko is still one very respectable female lead. Most games starring a woman accenuate her physical attributes, give her a needlessly sultry voice, have her running around scantily-clad most of the time, and/or make her into some sort of Gothic freak. Konoko is different-- she kicks major ass, she's fully-clothed the whole game, she looks damned hot in sunglasses, and the entire game's storyline focuses on her quest for self-identity. Look for a few games to copy this formula in the future. Konoko's voice was provided by the ever-likable Amanda Winn-Lee, who also voiced Rei Ayanami (Evangelion), Rally Vincent (Gunsmith Cats), and Momiji Fujimaya (Blue Seed). I had heard her in Evangelion and was surprised at how well she portrayed Konoko in Oni, so I sent her a complimentary email. After about a week, she wrote back-- not a form letter, but an actual reply in which she told me all about how much fun she had had playing Konoko and recommending some other stuff I should watch if I had liked Evangelion. I love it when folks do that. -Nij My life is twenty-four hours a day.

It is a genuine pity to have wasted such a step-in-the-right-direction in terms of leading ladies on such a piece o' shyte game. Sexy but not a sexpot, Konoko was da MAN. Well. You know what I mean.

Representing the popular vote....

Erin: Queen of the Nile, How very un-Drew-like to stick you with such a deliberately fanboy- ish topic like this. In any case, seeing as how FFX was one of the only games with strong female characters in them this year (MGS2's were FAR too dysfunctional and the young lady from Ico would be difficult to deem "sexy"), it really only narrows down to three choices. With that said, Lulu is, in fact, the sexiest female character of 2001. Even ignoring the look, how could you go wrong with a woman with that kind of dedication to her beloved? Then again, the "strong woman who learns to love again after losing her true love" story wouldn't have been horrible either. (How Lulu Got Her Groove Back?) And yes, she has gravity-defying cleavage. The fact that she doesn't fly out the sides of that outfit is the only REAL magic being worked in that game. As for Rikku, look up "token irritating FF jailbait" in the Gaming Cliches Dictionary (tm). "TIFFJB" - normally pubescant/pre-pubescant females with little to no characterization or back story, often inhumanly perky and/or "spunky", must die. See also Yuffie, Selphie, Eiko, Relm, etc. Granted, Square only has three female character types: the aforementioned jailbait, the troubled, average every-girl who's not human in some way (Tina/Terra, Rinoa, Aerith, Yuna), and the cold- hearted, tough woman (who usually has the more, urrr... feminine charms for lack of a less crude way of saying it) (Tifa, Quistis, Beatrix, Lulu, probably Celes). Kind of sad when you really think about it. Griffin, who's almost ashamed for having spent this much time pondering this.

Yes, this is an astonishingly un-Drew-like topic, I will agree. Kudos to the old dog for ... uh ... letting his hair down, so to speak.

As for the token irritating jailbait... I'd imagine Square'll persist in including their usual tooth-decaying dollop of underaged sugar as long as half (if not more) of their fanbase appreciates it....

...and the only slightly less popular vote. (Smattering of FFX spoilers)

Who comes up with these things? I think our boy Drew desparately needs help. Then again, so do I, since I had no trouble answering this question: Rikku from FFX. Not that there wasn't stiff (shut up, perverts) competition, even within Spira. I dug Lulu's crazy belt-dress thing and leg tattoos, but she seemed too hung up on Chappu and, well, I think I'd have a hard time kicking it with someone who can produce large balls of fire and lightning out of thin air. Yunalesca sported that thong thing, but she's like dead and stuff. Ick. And good old Yunie...a little to maudlin for my tates, sorry. Rikku wins my vote because she's just so damn cute. Wanting to eat Dark Flan, the spinning attack thing, and of course her fashion-sense. Nothing like a leather vest (complete with blue shoulder-streamers) and hot pants to save the world in. The hair and swirly-pupils send her over the top. Alright, I'm gonna stop, because I feel dirty. Cheers ~ Pikafoo

Why feel dirty? Better you're ogling little Rikku and cooing "kawaii!" at her every preternatural Al Bhed twitch than cruising playgrounds in a rusted-out El Camino calling "Hey little girls.... Want some candy...?" out your half-rolled-down windows....

I ... ah ... yeah.

An incomprehensibly evil minority

Dear Erin: The hottest game character of all time is Ari of Okage. It's my opinion, so I guess I'm liable to be wrong. Still, how can you not deny the sex appeal of a teenager that not only looks like he's a Tim Burton design reject, but also has a choice of snarky lines to insults others with? And since he's bound to incomprehensible evil, he's even hotter! Unless you mean hot as in "oh my gawd my hormones are raging", then I'll say.....Ari of Okage. Hands down. I wonder just how many people will nominate him, though. DMJ

As it turns out ... one.

A true bombshell

For me, the hottest game character was not the main character, per se, but she was an extremely useful one! No doubt you'll be getting a ton of mail about Lulu, but who can deny, for those who've seen her and would know, that the sexiest game character was none other than Bombette from Paper Mario? Now she was one sexy chick! I mean, just look at that figure! Rounded to perfection! And those eyes? A man can simply get lost in those adorable eyes! Oh, bombette! Kiss me! Kiss me, my darling! *smooch* *smooch* *KA-BOOM!!!* a-arg... m-my.... f... a... c... e..... ~ Ven

Strangely ... Warner Brothersesque, that.

No cleavage items? Awww. (FFX spoilers)

Instead of the traditional bloody poodle offering, I bring a rotisserie fried chicken from the local supermarket. (Damn humane society, anyways. Can't eat a dog, but, by hell, chop the head off that chicken, skewer it and let it roast for hours...) But I digress... Between people obesessing over her ungodly sized rack, to those who fantasize about sniffing her panties, it's easy to guess who will be the most favorite female character. LULU. However, I'm not big into the goth look, or the pulling items from her cleavage thing, either. So I'm not including her in my list. BTW, some on these people may or may not have been from games that came out this year, but I just got my PS2 a few months ago, so everythings new. 5. Elly (Xenogears): I know, this game's been out a while, but she is one of the few videogame females to grace my desktop. I'm a sucker for nicely drawn anime women... But hey, the main character gets to sleep with her during the game! Cool! 4. Dominique (The Bouncer): Cute high school girl, young man's dream date. Nuff said. 3. Trish (Devil May Cry) Some people may argue that Lulu is better, but I'm partial to blondes. 2. Rikku (FF X) Again, cute high school girl. I never used her much in the game, but I still kinda hoped that her and Wakka would hook up. 1. Yuna (FF X) For once, I think that the main character of a FF game got the most beautiful woman for his love interest. I mean, the marrage scene and the love scene in the forest with Suteki da ne playing.... Oh, it brings tears to my eyes to see it again in my mind. Anyways, that's my 2 cents. When can we expect to see you, Erin, in a FF? J.C.

Me in a FF?

Well, seeing as how I have absolutely no magical abilities, curative or otherwise, would likely stalk off in a cloud of obscenity-riddled feminist fury the first time someone stuck me in the back row, and, for the moment, sport some pretty fiercesome armpit stubble ... probably never.

Which I suppose means you're going to have to wait until the next MGS for my video game debut....

Au naturale

Finally! Something that can be chalked up to personal taste! Let's see...I gotta go with Olga from Sons of Liberty. My friend says Im nuts because of the whole armpit stubble thing but....well, I don't have a response to that. Robert(Rip)Coyne

While, having not played MGS2, I'm not entirely familiar with Olga, I am vaguely aware she's a badass with a functional haircut who's more or less married to her unit, and can only conclude she just doesn't have time to constantly be busting out the Nair, you know what I'm saying?

Mad props to you, dude, for being able to look beyond a little armpit growth to the latent sex kitten beneath the surface.

I want some hot stuff, baby, this evenin'....

Hottest of the Year? Phantom, the Magma Spider from Devil May Cry. I creamed my jeans. Hehehehehe. -- Nick Ware

You guys are the worst kinda smartasses today.... Knock it off - it really makes me feel redundant & superfluous & stuff.

...

Liquid Snake's arm in MGS2. I don't think I need to tell you why. ~Ian P., but not of the "Pee" veriety.

No. You really don't.

Nope.

I just want to know whether anyone wrote in complaining that characters were sexier back in the 16-bit era when you had to use your imagination. -Toma Levine

I've said it in the past, and I'll say it again.... You give us too much credit.

Where's Drew and his sack o' awards when you need him....

It'd be nice to see how many "votes" each character got...if that's not too much to ask for. if it is, how about just a number of how many people sent in emails about Rikku. She seems to have most creepy fans. Luxsol

Well. Since I'm here, I may as well make myself useful....

Lulu (FFX) - 7
Rikku (FFX) - 5
Olga (MGS2) - 3
Auron (FFX) - 2
Yuna (FFX) - 1
Wakka (FFX)- 1
Tidus (FFX) - 1
Trish (DMC) - 1
Aira (DWVII) - 1
Peach (Duh.) - 1
Hero (DWVII) - 1
Farah (ToD2) - 1
Konoko (Oni) - 1
Ari (Okage)- 1
Bombette (PM) - 1
Yorda (ICO)- 1
Zelda (Double duh.)- 1
Emma (MGS2) - 1
Phantom, the Magma Spider (DMC) - 1
Liquid Snake's Arm (MGS2) - 1

As if the outcome wasn't completely predictable.

Closing Comments:

Well. I hereby declare DWVII season officially open.

I'd like to say ... "Hey, guys ... go easy on me ... I'm only 60-some hours into the thing," but I won't. I'm not that big a whiner.

-Erin Mehlos