Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Remove lid prior to box assembly, idiot. Don't say we didn't warn you.

While my purpose here is essentially to stir up debate and foster discussion and the Free Topic Friday institution is hardly conducive to that end, I love it nonetheless.

Free topic days give me the opportunity to ramble at length from my pulpit about such a variety of things that I'm never relegated to the "Me too" interjections that plague my regular columns. Of course, I'm sure there are those who cringe at the mention of a free topic day for this very same reason... but screw them.

Let's go.

Crying over spoiled milk (WARNING: this complaint about spoilers contains a spoiler. No, really.)

Erin, you're consistently entertaining, and are perhaps the best letter "guy" since Thor, but what you have done severely disappoints me. You printed this regarding FF10: "I couldn't believe I didn't get a happily-ever-after ending. This is a videogame! What happened to the tired, cliched ending?" With no spoiler warning anywhere on the page. Now, maybe the day before you said something about the possibility of spoilers, but that hurts occasional readers like myself. This totally, totally ruined my day, so much so, in fact, that I do not care to think of adjectives other than "totally." Though the tone of this letter is flippant (there's your stinking adjective) it masks the severe disappointment I'm suffering through right now. Now that I've made the first part of the letter respectful, I would go on to curse, repreating th s-word and the f-word by themselves a few times (because if there's ever an appropriate time to swear, it's now), but I suspect you have a filter that would wash my letter right away. So I'm forced to sound mature here: I'm angry, Erin. Angry and disappointed that you couldn't at least mention the possibility of a spoiler on the same page as the offending text so soon after the release of a game. Not even a month has passed since the release of FF10. Less than a fricking month, for an end-of-game spoiler of such magnitude. With that in mind, I'm leery to return to your column. It's not worth the risk. I'm sure it's no skin off your back, but if you have any conscience, this doesn't fall on deaf ears. (After all, I'm sure I'm not the only person to suffer the effects of this error, I'm just one who decided to actually write). Sincerely, Dahvied Brewington

Attentive readers are probably better acquainted with what I say in the column than I am, and those of you who fall into this category of course know that this is my second such offense.

Yesterday's column was, to my way of thinking, clearly demarkated as a continuation of Wednesday's FFX discussion, and, to my way of thinking, Wednesday's spoiler notice was still enough in effect to cover what minor spoilers populated yesterday's column.

However, I definitely see where this was a stupid assumption on my part, and rather than just let my irresponsibility lie there in the dark like a great wet sack of Mapinguari feces, I thought I'd print this well-crafted complaint and own up to my second great mistake with a humble and sincere apology..

Earlier I conferred with fellow staffer Nich Maragos to get an outside opinion as to whether or not a ritual seppuku was in order to restore honor to the GIA family. He told me I was being ridiculous, and that contemplating taking my own life over a minor unmarked spoiler, even it if was my second great faux pas, was foolish.

No, instead Nich recommends I hold off on running myself through with a wakizashi or Amazing Potato Master - whichever's closer at hand - until strike three.

Winnie the Pooh on Quaaludes (Minor FFX spoilers ... I guess)

At long last, venerable Agent Erin, you have granted me leave to wax poetic about anything my twisted little head can come up with! Many thanks... Okay, first of all, everybody sucks for having finished FFX already. I have been milking it as long as possible, especially when everyone started talking about Zanarkand when I was 25 hours in. Now I'm back to hurrying along so I can read the DA column...life is not fair. Anyway, all I'll say about that little game is: thank you Square, and damn you for making such an addictive and brilliant diversion from sleep and nourishment. You know, it's weird...I too borrowed FFT (one of the best pieces of silicon to grace my PSX) from a friend back when they were selling for 80 bucks on eBay, and it's still sitting in my room, some three and a half years later. I remember he actually lamented "selling" it to me about a year ago, so I told him not to fret, a Greatest Hits version was on the way. Don't worry, he's a dick, so I don't feel bad swindling him...not really. As for lending games, I haven't let one out of my sight since some guy never returned Super Mario 2 way back in the day. The joke's on him though, cuz now I can play it in the palm of my hand! Mwa ha! Um, I think there was a point to this letter somewhere...but as usual, it got lost in the Lifestream. I'm working on little sleep and swilly coffee, gimme a break. But before you're rid of me, dear Agent, I have a question for you: how do you explain Yuna being buddy-buddy with a giant bird and a demon of fire post-summon, but Bahamut makes a violent and startling entrance? Why is Bahamut always such a mean flying harbinger of destruction? And yeah, what IS with Seymour's voice? He goes around with big-assed tatoos on his chest and a croch-to-neck opening in his jacket, but he sounds like a kindergarten teacher on quaaludes. That is, until he gets in battle mode, then he talks all kinds of smack. What's with that? Okay, that was four questions. Sue me. Cheers ~ Pikafoo, recieving confirmation from Quina that Dark Flan is indeed edible...that Rikku, so cute ^_^.

There are a few occasions in FFX where I could have sworn Seymour was suddenly possessed of an altogether different voice. On he rattles in that plushy pedophile tenor about death and destruction ... until you enter into a fight with the guy. Then out of left field comes a slew of clear and powerful raving worthy of a villain with an archangel 'do, but I'd expect no less from the product of such ... ah ... unique parenting.

Alex Fernandez may sound like Winnie the Pooh, but he's damn good with the smack-talk.

As for Bahamut.... the dude can exceed the 9999 damage ceiling right out of the box - I'd give him some elbow-room, myself.

And an FFIX spoiler for old times' sake....

Erin: Goddess of the Sea (so I paraphrased Griffin.... sue me) With the defeat of Final Fantasy X and the aftermath I have suffered, a question came to mind. Was there really a second ending to Final Fantasy IX? How did you get it? Was it that different from the happy ending I got? Or did I get the second ending and miss the original. I personally like to know, even though I have so many games I haven't even played. I can never go back, is the sad thing. One of these days, I was going to finish Legend of Mana, SaGa Frontier II, Vagrant Story....but now there has been FFX, and those games are dead to me until they somehow achieve nostalgia value or a "undermined classic" status. Flooberdonkgronkinburger

FFIX's "second ending" is really just a short additional scene with Baku & Blank of Tantalus, unlocked by completing the Zodiac coin side-quest and finishing the game without having combined or used Shina's Hammer.

I wouldn't sweat not having the time to go back for this one.

Cover me

First off let me state that I have much love and respect for thegia.com and all of its staff. I'm a frequent vistor of the site. My concern is the lack of anything related to the XBOX system. Being that I get a good deal of videogaming information from your site, and the fact that I purchased the mammoth console, I want to find out what is instore as far as recent releases, current projects, etc. You get the picture. I've noticed a considerable amount of upcoming PS2 games as well as Gamecube releases and info. Thats all good and all, but where the heck is there anything related to the XBOX? As far as releases the only game you guys have reviewed is Silent Hill 2. As far as previews you guys have just JSRF & Azurik. ??? The XBOX has been out a couple of months now. What up? Thanks for taking the time. -Mike Cruz

I've gotten so many letters to this effect in recent history I may as well just bite the bullet and publicly address the obvious one more time.

No, we did not review Munch's Oddysee - but neither did we review Jak & Daxter. Nowhere on the site will you find news of WWF Raw - but at the same time, we've not an iota of coverage for WWF SmackDown! Just Bring It.

The GIA covers role-playing, adventure, puzzle, and rhythm games, and the Xbox, thusfar, has not been resplendent in any of these genres.

Resurrection of Enix

Dear the Agent: I noticed your SoulBlazer mention yesterday, which segues nicely into my letter. I've owned Actraiser THREE times. Once upon original purchase. Bought at time of release (shortly after winning my SNES from a Meijer Toy City drawing - yay for MI); lost during high school to a friend who graduated and got while the getting was good. Out $50. Once upon purchase during summer between freshman and sophomore years at the local flea market. Current whereabouts unknown. Lost during sophomore year of university. Out $15. Once upon purcase at used goods store in university town alongside used copy of MC 900 ft. Jesus's "One Step Ahead of the Spider", which my previous copy disappeared around the same time as copy #2 of Actraiser. Out $15 in store credit from old CD trade-ins. And of course, now, the back-up battery is dead. I swear, it's like used socks. If anyone knows any Jade Cocoon-esque techniques of breeding copies of Actraiser with coathangers (or places to get the batteries replaced), please, make them known! B, holding off on DWVII until Monday.

The batteries used in SNES carts are standard CR2032 lithium coin cell batteries that can be purchased at Wal-Mart for a buck or two. Replacing them isn't all that difficult once you've gotten past those damnedable security screws, although occasionally you'll encounter one that's been soldered in place. My Earthbound cart is now held together with tape because, for lack of a capable bit, we just drilled out the screws.

If that kind of do-it-yourself brain surgery makes you queasy, though, there's always the much easier eBay route. If you're willing to go for a copy without its original box & instructions you could conceivably pick it up for around $5.

Felix Must Die

Greets, Agent... I managed to miss the earlier day's horror stories, but I have one late one to contribute. Forget cat piss on rare cartridges, discs, and manuals. Forget wanton bird-damage. Forget dog tearing. I have a cat that must die. Last December (2K, not 2001), whilst I wasted away on the couch, sick with the flu, I was too far gone to do anything except stare vaguely at HBO. To this day, I'm still not sure what it was I watched. Maybe Gandhi. In any case, I was definitely OUT for about four days. My precious FFVIII awaited me for when I gained the strength to game again. Well, somewhere in there, the cat barfed. No, not on the game. On the system. My beloved Playstation. She horked all over the top of it. The lid was totally encrusted. And the OPEN button was jammed with the stuff. I didn't discover it for three days, so you can imagine what it was like cleaning it. Yes, god bless Square, it still worked. Regards, Plotter

Someone dumped a Coke in my SNES once, but I can't honestly say anyone (or anything) has ever horked on one of my consoles. Your Congressional Medal is in the mail, sir.

Underdeveloped (More FFX spoilers ... and ... Oh! Minor D&D spoilers, too)

I've only skimmed over the FFX letters for fear of spoilers, so this might've already been touched upon, but was anybody else bothered by the lack of a real supporting cast in the game? Aside from the mandatory Cid, Jecht(who's mostly limited to flashback scenes) and Gatta/Luzzu at the beginning, the game seemed to feature some people who just happened to be wherever the heck your party showed up in, but who weren't really related to the main characters or the plot at hand. While I did enjoy them for what they were(especially Maechen, his background info really helped flesh out Spira and its history), I never really cared about them as actual characters. We were given glimpses of other characters like Father Zuke, the Aurochs and Biran/Yenke, but they were never really delved into. It's hard to describe, but I felt like all of the Tantalus crew members in FFIX had distinctive characters, while none of the Aurochs in FFX did(not counting Wakka and Tidus). Same with the Shinra Corp. or Magitek Empire in comparison to the Yevon clergy. Overall, while the game had excellent main characters, I thought its minor players lacked the appeal of people like Seifer/Fujin/Raijin, General Leo, Bugenhagen, the Turks, Raine, Beatrix, Ultros, Rufus, the other Cids, that cool turtle dude from FFV, etc. Also, am I the only person who found the dead people stuff confusing? What exactly stopped Kinoc or the Ronso people from getting right back up and fighting Seymour after he killed them? Did somebody send them? I don't remember anybody sending Yunalesca either, but apparently she was gone comepetely after we beat her up, though apparently Seymour wasn't. Why do some souls become fiends, while others can keep their identities and forms? And what exactly happened to Mika near the end? Frustrating. And I disagree with your take on Seymour. I thought that, by exposing Yevon's corruption and preventing Yuna from travelling the usual summoner's path, he was an integral part of the plot. Without him, would even Tidus or Auron have made Yuna's pilgrimage much different from a normal one? And I like how the validity of his insane plan was simply revealed as the characters learned the truth about the final aeon in Zanarkand instead of through some James Bond-ish "Mwahaha, see what an evil genius I am?" speech. -Kevin, who felt guilty killing those little Cactuar guardians and wanted to smack Rikku every time she said "Yunie"

The opening of your letter implies you haven't yet finished the game, yet you mention Cid, Jecht, Biran and Yenke, so I'm assuming you're at least through Mt. Gagazet. If not, read no further.

Certainly, the majority of the supporting cast was lackluster. As I said the other day, Square couldn't even be bothered to give them the same facial polygon count as their handful of stars. But you're leaving out a few sideliners that I found relatively memorable. Isaaru and his guardian brothers? That haughty bitch Dona and her starstruck guardian Barthello? There's actual character development to be had in watching her progress: condescending and cocksure at the start of her own pilgrimage, Dona is slowly worn down and humbled by the trip, until she realizes at last summoning's not for her and departs, presumably to make a home with Barthello.

Were the Turks really any better developed? Yes they were likable; yes, they had an unshakable loyalty within their own group; and yes, they wore suits on the job like any proper badass agent of a shady corporate entity should, but did we really know anything more about them?

To address your second question ... I was pretty foggy on the exact laws governing the various conditions of death in Spira, myself, so dun ask me.

Definitely with you on the "Yunie" issue, though. Every time she said it I was rewarded with an unwelcome flashback to the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon.

Craig Charles to host the next season of "Robot Warlords"

Hi Erin, Free topic, huh? Okay, in that case I'll ask a question that's been bugging me for a couple of weeks. What's the deal with Robot Warlords for the PS2? It came into the shops at a suspiciously low price - £15 compared to an average of £40-50 - so I decided to check some reviews online before I bought it. Nope, nothing. There is virtually no coverage of the game on the net. No reviews, no previews, no screenshots, no FAQs, no guides. I picked it up anyway, since decent turn-based strategy games are pretty hard to come by and it's admittedly nothing special - it's basically an inferior Front Mission 3 clone. But I was just curious as to its almost total dodging of the game media's radar, and since the genre comes under your site's jurisdiction I wondered if you could shed any light on the matter. The only thing I can think of to explain it is a nagging suspicion that it came to Europe without a US release. The only evidence I have for this is the fact that the game text spells 'armour' with a U - which leapt out at me since I'm so used to reading Americanised (or Americanized, I guess) translations - but it would explain the lack of interest shown in the game by the US-oriented websites. Greg A. Lamb

Huh? Robot what? Never heard of it.

At least I hadn't until now.

Your suspicions are correct, dear boy - Robot Warlords (Velvet File in Japan), saw a European release the 14th of December, but hasn't hit the US in any way, shape or form.

You've gotta wonder why publisher Midas Interactive stripped a mediocre game of a reasonably cool nom de guerre like "Velvet File" in favor of "Robot Warlords" - the name alone probably doomed the poor thing to the bargain bins....

El Flan Negro es muy delicioso.

I don't know how "common knowledge" this is, but I know I've never heard anyone else mention it, and I figured it out myself and I like being a big fat know-it-all, so here I am. In most if not all of the Japanese FFs, little blob monsters are known as purin. If you pronounce that in proper Japanese fashion, with a roll on the 'ri,' you end up very close to "pudeen." Pudding. Blob monsters known as puddings date back at least as far as the earliest days of Chainmail/D&D. So, with pudding taking seven characters in English, you can see why they opted to change it to the slimmer four character-long "flan" (which your readers may or may not know is another sweet gooey dessert... more or less a Mexican pudding.) I can never resist the chance to show off, Obi-Itchy Dry Scalp

In order to meet the educational/informational content quota imposed on the GIA, I have posted this token chunk of trivia.

I'm inclined to add, however, that the sweetest, gooey-est thing about a flan is not the custard itself, but the caramel rum sauce in which they're traditionally served. Mmmm. Rum. Soak it up, you eager young minds.

Closing Comments:

The GIA staff have all chosen their 5 year's-end favorites, so why don't you guys do the same? I'm sure Drew'll be happy to rip your taste in games a new asshole.

-Erin Mehlos: despite being an affront to all things sacrosanct, not to be confused with Salmen Rushdie,