Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. You all deserve a nice, steaming bowl of squinkers and lentils. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Not much to say in the line of preparing you for what's below, 'cept maybe a warning about the lattice of minor spoilers running throughout tonight's column. Hear that? Minor spoilers, particularly for the last four FFs, abound below. If you're a Blitzball virgin, yet unspoiled by FFX's insistent passion, and wanna continue waiting for that perfect moment, you may just wanna get the hell out of here.

And that, as that scholar who has no business being half the places he shows up in says, is that.

Let's go.

Patience, my pimpin' son

Happy-Day-After-Boxing-Day, fellow FFX-addicted Agent-lady ~ That's a lotta hyphens. Anyway. I think a good mini game might just make a great game a masterpiece, or a not-so-great game somewhat less of a coaster-worthy slab of silicon, but honestly, can you think of one? I mean a really good diversion that, had it not been included, would have taken away from the quality of the overall experience? I can't. The best one I can think of is the Chocobo-raising bits from FFVII, since you could breed them, race them, win Omnislash, and eventually make a super-chocobo and go get Knights of the Round, but I never bothered with it the first time through the game, especially because it was damn near impossible to figure out without the help of the good folks at Brady Games (we didn't have internet back in '97, sorry...). Mini-games can be fun, but often times it seems to me that they are either a) poorly thought out and chunky to control because they're too different from the regular game, or b) excuses for mundane activity only tolerated because they yeild the Ultimate Earth Crasher Mega Buster Bastard Destroyer Energy Sword of Methariador if you earn 70,000 MogTokens. I think the closest we've come to the mini-game utopia you speak of is not really a mini-game persay, but rather a game that lets you kind of create your own, kind of like a collection of small games in one. I speak, of course, of GTA3. You can escort Luigi's girls around town, or you can try to blow up a firetruck. You can race hoodrats at midnight, or beat the crap out of a pimp, steal the ambulance that comes to pick him up, and race around town saving lives for some quick cash. I don't care what anyone says...that kind of freedom rules, and it gives me "a good feeling!" Oh, and I think Tidus deserves the "Pimp 'O Final Fantasy Award," because he rolls with three very attractive women, and his only competition is a devout Yevonite with a really bad cowlick, a mysterious scarred guy that may or may not be alive, and a blue furry lion horned creature thing. Go on, my son! Cheers ~ Pikafoo

Part of the charm of mini-games, I think, is the illusion of free will they can lend a largely linear game world - so dubbing GTA a mini-game utopia of sorts seems strangely fitting, yeah.

I also just want to passingly mention that it is possible to struggle through breeding a Gold Chocobo with the help of the Chocobo Sage - if you have slightly more patience than the average Tibetan monk moonlighting as a preschool caregiver for hyperactive two year-olds suffering from advanced Tourette's syndrome.

SSVII

By far, the best minigame ever was the snowboarding arcade game in FF7's Gold Saucer. As soon as I found it, I completely forgot about Sephi... who? Whatever. As anyone will tell you, Cid is the best snowboarder. You know what's sick? I don't even like snowboarding games... and it was *still* more interesting than the actual plot. -Eightball, slicin' ice FFVII had snowboards, dude. Dig it. ---The Anachronistic Jabberwock Racing down the rendered polygon slopes, catching baloons, dodging snowmen and falling off my oddly colored snowboard ... ah the memories. I miss FFVII. My personal experience aside, I believe that mini-games are OK, so long as they do not become the main focus of a game or require the player to be proficient at them to advance the story. - cipher P.S. I hate you. You got snow. :(

I have slush, and not much of it. It's not like I have powder perfection heaped outside my door in drifts so mountainous that I have to race a ghostly moogle on a sled to the Piggly Wiggly, all the while crashing through unsuspecting mog-homes and smashing my face in jumping too late for a blue balloon.

FFVII's snowboarding mini-game was inexplicably fun, yes, but I found it a lot more exhilirating in its initial context: tackling Icicle's otherwise impassable mountain roads to get where you were going. It was a nifty, nifty means to an end.

And Cid would never snowboard for me, despite the adventurous gusto he showed in other Gold Saucer ventures, the @#$%.

All or nothing

Miss Erin, I think there are four qualities which dictate how well the mini game improves the gaming experience for ALL of us Square/GameArts/Enix whores. 1. Context - Does the game fit the mood, plot, and overall aesthetic of the title? 2. Ease of Pickup - The age old maxim "Easy to play, hard to master" applies to mini-games too 3. Suitable Reward - The reward should be cool enough to make it worth your while (ultimate weapon, new game features, nice CG, etc.) but not necessary to complete the game. Then it's not really a mini-game, is it? 4. Fun! - Is the goddamn thing fun to play? Obvious but sometimes it seems like a lost concept to some game designers Taking all those things into consideration I must say that Triple Triad was hands down the best mini-game included in an RPG in recent years. It fit the context of the game (it's logical that people might have pick up card games, and the faces on the cards have a clear link to the FFVIII world), it's easy to start (though the ever changing rules and styles of play keep it from ever becoming boring), the rewards are really cool but you don't need them to win (although it's much easier with the card mods), and the freaking thing was just plain fun. I spent 80 hours on FFVIII and a good 45 of those hours were on Triple Triad. Tetra Master, however, was a total disaster in my opinion. It wasn't very intuitive, the game didn't seem very fun, and the rewards were kinda crappy. God alone knows why Square is including that in their Playonline service instead of Triple Triad. As for blitzball, I'm staying far away from it right now cuz I need to finish the game before I go back to college for finals (yup, we have'em AFTER Christmas). But seeing as how my brother has spent more than half of the time I've allotted to him on my PS2 to blitzball, I'd say it has the makings of a good one. Bombing atomically (my GPA, that is), Joon Choi Ah, FFVIII. Triple Triad ruled. I played it constantly, got vaguely good at it, and, at the end of the game, I refined all my cards into items. Do you know how much fun (not to mention easy) it is to beat Ultimecia when you're packing 100 Auras and 100 Megalixers? Thank God for those cards! Then they went and screwed it all up in FFIX. I don't even remember what the card game was called. I really don't remember. Was there even a point to it? At least the boring chocobo treasure-hunts got you items and stuff. The card game was just there because, hey, we had one in the last game, let's do it again! BAH! I played maybe five games of it. When I play a minigame, it's because it's a fun way to get shit! Otherwise, it's worthless! --Tonferry P.S. By the way, this is the first time I've written to you. You do fine work here, and I imagine you smell nice. Good job.

I tend to be greatly less inclined to put any serious time into a mini-game or subquest yielding no actual, useful results, yes. Triple Triad was hella fun and addictive in the catch-'em-all fashion, but those 45 hours seemed like time well spent when I was able to bust out those 10 spare Holy Wars & 100 Megalixers and just say "Ha" to Omega Weapon and his mousy-ass little Terra Break.

They must've blundered into ... ah ... Sin's toxin over at Square before going on to create Tetra Master....

Wrong, Billy

Let me tell you a little something about Tetra Master: it made absolutely no sense. After such a great mini- game as Triple Triad, I was quite bothered that Tetra Master provided no logical rules or any real reason to play it. As far as I could tell, you matched the little arrows of your card to where there are no arrows to someone else's card. What to do if there were two coinciding arrows? You just guessed. "Hmm," says litle Billy, after finding his Toma card matched up with a trilobyte. "They have the same arrows, but I think Toma would be stronger." Wrong, Billy. You just cost yourself the match and your best cards. Sucks for you, huh? Even worse were magic cards, where (since the spell was so flashy and bright), you could not even tell where the arrows were. Since they vary on every card, you just had to guess again! Fun, fun. This would not have been quite so annoying if it were not for the fact that Triple Triad was MANDATORY at one point in the game. Have a good stock of those lizardmen cards? Well, too bad, because you're facing someone who actually knows how to play the game! Most of us got through the card tournament on sheer luck and save points. Why oh why, Square, could you not have given us a Triple Triad-esque card game? Heck, since you're using Tetra Master again, why not just give us triple triad again? Don't even get me started on Chocobo Hot & Cold. -- Shawn K., who wants a card game using the trophies from Smash Bros.

I have nothing further to add to this, really, except maybe a dull-witted "and furthermore" jab about even Tetra Master's background music being a sad shadow of its predecessor's. Guess I just wanted to assure you all that I, too, hold this disfigured child of Triple Triad in such regard as any great, steaming sack of suck deserves.

And I suppose I feel inclined to stick up for Chocobo Hot & Cold lest it be lumped in with such a fruitless and baffling exercise in futility - at least Chocobo Hot & Cold gave you stuff. And had better music. And ... hallucinogenic chocsmoke.

Some like it hot, some like it cold - and some like it both, but with chocobos

The subject says it all. Sure, racing in 7 was fun, the block-puzzles in Vagrant story were amusing, and I certainly spent hours racing that little bastard in Tales of Phantasia, but only the lagoon took me more hours than the real game. And I do mean hours. I had more dead peppers than any sane man could possibly use. I actually GOT A ROBE OF LORDS with the points I won. 9's cardgame was garbage (What are the rules? Huh?), but it's chocobo sidequest was the best yet (certainly better than 8's: I waited for the PC version because of the lack of pocketstations stateside. I needn't have). A minigame, a treasure hunt, a puzzle, and hallucinogenic chocsmoke. Joyous. And then a suitemate wiped my game. My game with just Ozma and Memoria left. I cried. I haven't played hot and cold since. But I'm waiting... waiting... for Blitzball.

Chocobo hot & cold didn't exactly mesh very well with anything that went on in FFIX, but playing it got you some highly desirable junk.

And of course, there was something inherently amusing about a chocobo scratching for buried treasure and plaintively shrieking "Kweh!," all the while serenaded by that dramatic Flamenco tune.

Iron Chef Showdown

You know, the only thing I remember about Suikoden II is how much fun those cook off's were... Master_LiND

I have many fond memories of choosing menus suited to the tastes of my present panel of judges - but Suikoden II didn't just have cook-offs. The [insert Player-named castle] experience was also rounded out by fishing, dancing, the ever-addictive Chinchirorin, and numerous other bits & bobs to keep you busy. Suiko II was a mini-game feast, and I'm surprised more people didn't chime in with anecdotes from their own [insert Player-named castle] nights.

Wildlife preservation for fun and prof ... well. For fun, anyway.

Erin- the one thing that gave FF7 its major flaw was one of its funnest aspects. For those who are scratching their heads I'm talking about the Gold Saucer's Wonder Square. It had everything. Snowboarding, that crappy bike game, and even the submarine chase. But the one it missed was the best of them all. Fort Condor. Am I the only one thinking that the Fort Condor battles had minigame material written ALL FRIGGEN OVER THEM? But did they make it into the wonderous halls of the Golden Saucer? No. Due to this, I actually have a memory card filled up with saves before each of the 7 battles so I can play them at my leasure on different difficulty settings. Or if i get bored, just bum rush the boss. Which ever makes me feel more macho. Klondike - the final boss of Pikmin is impossable

Prior to the hunt for Huge Materia, defending Fort Condor was optional. While the game presented you with several opportunities to beat back Shinra's attacks on the disused Mako reactor, there wasn't a whole lot of incentive to do so. Yes, you got an item at the end of each battle, but funding the war effort took a substantial outlay of Gil, so the only reasons to do this, really, were the good feeling you got for helping preserve an endangered species, and the enjoyment you got out of setting up your rock-paper-scissors strategy to halt the enemy attack.

That said, Fort Condor was a lot of fun to play. It fit in nicely with the overall theme of the game, offered a lot of variety, and made you feel like you'd accomplished something in spite of having just poured a bunch of your hard-earned cash into a charity organization that gave you little in return - much like a public television pledge drive, but without the Red Dwarf T-shirt.

May Keepa lead the Aurochs to their 6th Stanley Cup, sir

Erin... Blitzball does, indeed, rock. It rocks harder than any mini-game has ever rocked before. I actually spent my second all-nighter on FFX doing nothing but playing Blitzball and turning Keepa into the second coming of Jacques Plante (popsicles to anyone who catches that reference). For the most part, I found myself worrying more about Tidus' Shot and Encounter stats than I did about his Strength and Agility. In case you missed my point, in answer to your question, Blitzball does, indeed, enhance my overall experience with FFX, and is one of the main reasons why I can see myself going back and playing the game over again. -Northwind, who thinks Datto is the Blitzball equivalent of Wayne Gretzky.

Part of what makes Blitzball rock so hard is how intertwined the sport is with both the immediate story (in the beginning, at any rate) and Spira's indigenous culture. Wakka fights with his game ball, for crissake, and the tournaments at Luca are overseen by the place's religious leader. Not only is it a well and truly diverting diversion, but it isn't a jarring departure from the rest of the game's reality - on the contrary, it goes a great deal toward underscoring and fleshing it out.

Signing Doub - I mean, uh, free agents

Again, I present my blood-soaked poodle as an offering to the Agent... BTW, Erin, are you interested in being on my Blitzball team? (Hell, I can't find any other free-agents in FF X.) Mini-Games, I love them, and yet hate them at the same time. I always feel guilty when I skip mini-games for the sake of the story. FF X is a good example of this. Blitzball is the BOMB, but the story is so compelling that I ignore the little "Play Blitzball." prompt on the save globe screen. Why should I have to have so much guilt for ignoring it? WHY? ANSWER MEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyways, the mini-games in FF 7, were the best. Most at the golden saucer were fairly simple and easy, and for the ones that required effort, the rewards were well worth it. Beat the battle arena, get Cloud's ultimate limit break. Breed the ultimate chocobo, get the ultimate summon. Both of these make beating the end boss easier than beating your little brother after he turns off your PS2 while you've gone to the bathroom. (Damn it, I haven't saved for 5 hours!!!!!!!!!) Anyways, one of the funnnest ones I've played is the Chocobo world from FF8. You can only get it if you have a pocketstation, which I do, and you can get items that can't be found in the regular game. Sure, the game is fairly simple, but what do you expect for a glorified memory card with a 32x32 pixel screen? That's my thoughts. Now, if only we could get a game that has all the mini-games from the FF's all in one disc... J.C.

Dude, I'll play for your team - and cheap, too - but only if you let me play forward and set me up with some shots. There's nothing quite like smashing through the Goers' defense with a simple but elegant Sphere Shot to take the game, 6 - 0, with 4:57 on the clock, ya?

Alas, not everyone is so in love with the ballet that is Blitzball....

For loathing of the game

I loathe Blitzball. Especially since it appeals to my brother, who's predisposed to become obsessed over a glorified version/hybrid of water polo and soccer. I just want my PS2 back. Meltina I must say, I usually like the idea of mini-games in RPG's, but I rarely play them. I mean, Triple Triad in FFVIII was cool, but honestly I never bothered reading any sort of tutorial and I just somehow won a few games here and there and picked up on the rules....but I still sucked at it, bad. I didn't know what the hell was going on with Tetra Master in FFIX, hell...I don't think ANYONE ever knew what the hell was going on with Tetra Master...but for some odd reason I WAS BETTER AT THAT THAN TRIPLE TRIAD. Blitzball is so damned complicated it could be its own game. I suck so hard at it, and I'm not trying anymore. And to think, you get new Overdrives for Wakka by winning Blitzball games... Hahaha...looks like Wakka's gonna stick with one Overdrive :P --Rob

When Wakka hits you with that first Blitzball tutorial just minutes before the all-important tournament, the sport looks undeniably daunting. But a closer look reveals it to be little more than simple math and minimal strategy - it's really not all that different from Triple Triad. And it's, well, cool. Though I don't condone comandeering your sibling's PS2 for love of the game. That's just wrong, you bastard.

Instant replay

Agent Erin, I find that the first time through a major RPG, the mini-games need to be small or absent, as I'm too concerned with moving the plot along. Going into a long, drawn out Triple Triad frenzy on the Space Station in FF8 is not a good way to keep the tensity and amazement that comes shortly after, plotwise. After the first playthrough, though, its open season. I played FF8 a second time through to max out my Triple Triad card collection, and I expect to do some similar work with Blitzball, provided it doesn't turn into the random mess of FF9's hardly-worth-mentioning cardgame. KZ

A good final point. Mini-games occasionally get in the way of all-important story advancement the first time through an RPG; however, they have the potential to give a linear story that might otherwise be pretty drab a second time around an assload of replay value.

Closing Comments:

You guessed it. Replay value. What makes YOU want to spend another 50 hours with a game you just played, and what games have that certain something that drags you unwittingly back, just when you think it's finally over.

Let me know, guys. Your letters sustain me. I've long since gotten bored with finding new ways to cheat the washing machines.

-Erin Mehlos