Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I believe I'm a nihilist. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Several things were released today - things I need not even mention by name. We're all illimitable geeks. We're all on the same wavelength.

I've missed out on both so far - hence, I am grumpy. No intro for you. Just letters - letters of staggering variety and scope.

Let's go.

Lying in wait with impressive philoso-babble

Erin, Admit it. You've been waiting this whole time to use a phrase like "normative ethical relativism." My holiday game list is short and simple. Dragon Warrior 7: The game looks like it's a truckload of fun, and it looks like something I can spend a long time on. I like games that keep me occupied for a while. I suspect I'll end up with this; I marked it as one I especially wanted on the list my family made me create. (They insist I'm the hardest person to buy for in the family.) Devil May Cry: Looks beautiful, sounds like fun, and it's a type of game I don't play very often, not because I don't like it, but because good offerings are so rare. DMC is reportedly a great offering, so no problems there. Final Fantasy X: No surprise, of course. I had to add this at the last minute thanks to Square's release-date shuffling. I think everybody's done buying for me by now, though, so I doubt I'll get it. But hey, that's what having a February birthday is good for: get DW7 for Christmas, spend January playing it, finish it just in time to get FFX for my birthday. Works for me. As for the furnace fuel... well, there's a fair number of games out there that are utter crap, but fortunately nobody buys me games I don't ask for (they never know what I already have.) Which leaves only the cases when I ask for something that sounds good at first but in reality doth suck abysmally. I don't think I've got any of those on the list this year, but it's possible. Last year I made the mistake of asking for Legend of Dragoon ... guess which one game out of the dozen on the list I ended up with. Lesson learned. -- Chaomancer Omega

I think we've all been force-fed a lesson in researching those hints we drop for Grandma at some point. Non-gamers rarely make informed decisions when buying software for friends and family. It's just so much easier to buy whatever the dude in EB or GameStop hands you. And we all know how generally well-informed the average GameStop employee is....

Ninjo vs. giri

Agent Erin, Best holiday wishes to you and everyone at the GIA. In honor of the Comic Book Guy... "Best Website Ever" My holiday wishes have all been fulfilled, courtesy of a little trip down to the local mall. The rat bastards at EB told me I wouldn't be able to get a copy until after Christmas if I hadn't pre-ordered, but thanks to Toys R Us I now have my grubby little hands around FFX. *slobber drool* Now to get acquainted with Tidus, our favorite Meg Ryan look-alike. Happy Holidays -Joon Choi "Final Fantasy X? It's not out yet." - quote from GameStop employee earlier this evening

I very nearly took a detour to Toys R Us myself today to see if, against all odds, I might lay hands on a copy of my own, but there then manifested on my dashboard a computer-god-sized BSD devil and a pocket Hell's Granny - my conscience personified. Battling for control of my car stereo - flicking it rapidly from tuner to CD and pitting Enya against Ozzy - to underscore their arguments, they weighed spending precious cash on myself against making the minimum payment towards the continual love of family & friends this holiday season.

Then suddenly, I was forced to apply my brakes in something of a hurry as a pig truck squealed to a halt dead ahead of me, catapulting the poor little Hell's Granny straight through my windshield and into the rectal cavity of a particularly impressive specimen.

Long story short: I don't have FFX yet ... and it sucks to be me.

Da da da

Erin, I was going to write in yesterday mentioning Eye of the Beholder as a FPRPG, which I remember my older brother being addicted to on the Commodore Amiga (remember those?) when I was about 6 - I was surprised to see it in someone's letter in any case. I realized in retrospect it was probably an RPG...and I got nightmares after reading the description of the Beholder in the instruction booklet. Yes, I was an imaginative kid. Anyway, Xmas lists...I'm already getting a PS2 which was the main thing I wanted, so that's settled; I'm also probably getting SSX Tricky and I bought my younger brother Jak and Daxter, which gives me something to play. Other games I'm after are Twisted Metal Black and BG: Dark Alliance. Actually the full list includes GTA 3, Devil May Cry (even though the PAL version has apparently been butchered so that it runs on 50 HZ TVs and is incredibly slow as a result), FFX, MGS2, maybe Ico, Wipeout Fusion, etc. etc....half of those aren't out here in Europe yet so you can see the problem. I'm also looking forward to my friend coming over from England because he's imported a Gamecube from the US and I'll get a chance to play Rogue Squadron and Luigi's Mansion (I'm still trying to convince him to buy Super Monkey Ball and/or Pikmin). Oh, there might be some other stuff, but it's not really computer games so... Paulo, thinking that if they used all of the battle themes from each FF in the next FF game, different ones in different areas or something, then it would stop you from getting sick of hearing the same battle music over and over. Some of the older, more lo-fi ones could be remixed a bit if necessary.

I pity those boys and girls in the PAL territories whose wishlists will go largely unfulfilled this Christmas... Par for the course, I suppose. You poor, poor bastiches.

I dig your idea for FF battle tracks, though - I've always found them to get old in a hurry. Regional battle themes would be nifty, especially if they could in some way reflect an area's psuedo-cultural uniqueness. Square visited the concept fleetingly and indirectly, I suppose, with the pounding, vaguely Afircan sounds of the Veldt, but it'd be a neat atmospheric device if they employed it on a broader scale. Not to mention mom's everywhere could stop complaning about "that same damn song, over and over again. DAda dada DAda dada, DAda dada DAda dada..."

Everyone knows the surplus population ends up in a landfill in New Mexico...

As you're putting together your holiday game-shopping guides, with your fancy PS2, GCN, and XBox titles, don't forget about poor little Hoshigami! Hoshigami needs a home! He needs your love! You wouldn't turn away poor little Hoshigami on Christmas, would you!? You would!? Are you saying that if Hoshigami is going to die, that he'd better do it, and decrease the surplus amount of great games this year!? Bastards! Now thou shalt be haunted by three spirits, given a wedgie, and ultimately boiled in your own pudding! That's what you get! ~ Ven

In light of the review scores I've seen thusfar for Hoshigami, I wouldn't doubt its being direly in need of a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air.

It's nice to know what you want

Hello Erin: ICO. Happy holidays. -mista tea.

Good choice. If you missed ICO, I can think of few better things to greedily unwrap on Christmas morning. Hidoshi, though, seems to have a couple of other things in mind...

How about a nice football, instead?

Dear Erin, Now that I am in your lap, I feel extremely serene and at peace. And for this bounty of Christmas joy and comfort, I shall render unto you my Christmas buyer's season guide. 1. A GameCube or Playstation 2 with two controllers and a memory card -- Approx: $350-$450 Canadian 2. Super Smash Brothers Melee: For everyone in the family, especially those angst-ridden teenagers who need to smash some Yoshi ass as almighty king Bowser. -- Approx: $40 Canadian 3. Final Fantasy X: Now you can experience Final Fantasy on the PS2 with voice acting, as mediocre as it may be! Oh and you'll never hear the hero's name mentioned! -- Approx: $60 Canadian 4. Players Guides: Cheating little wretch, I shall smite thee should you buy these. But enjoy them anyway! -- Approx: $15-$20 Canadian. 5. A Game Boy Advance: You know you want one. You know you want to run your hands all over it, feel its smooth curves, make hot, passionate, wild, frenzied gaming love with it! Whew. -- Approx: $200 Canadian 6. Golden Sun and Lady Sia for GBA: Be it as boy or girl, RPG or platformer, in boots or thigh high shag-me leggings, you must play these games! -- Approx: $30 Canadian 7. Erin Mehlos, in garters and thigh-high stockings and perhaps a cute Santa's elf-style bikini top to keep you warm, happy, and loved for the holidays -- Priceless. This has been a paid announcement by the Hidoshi.com corporation. I hope you have enjoyed it. -Hidoshi, refusing to give up his spot in Erin's lap for anyone! ANYONE!

Astonishing... I can close a column with an allusion to having facial hair and still they slaver. You gotta respect that - nay, you gotta reconsider your faith in the integrity of modern man.

Or you could just stop your goddam psychobabbling and mention how much you're looking forward to finally being able to play as Bowser, because Bowser is king in every sense of the word.

Having your cram and eating it too

Erin, My buyer's guide is simple, really. Just FFX, DWVII, and Potion 2; and, of course, what stocking is complete without the sould of a select GIA staffer? For those on the naughty list, walk into Wal-Mart, and pick out the largest, most awkward, and least useful accessory controller in stock; if none are available, an XBox controller will do just fine, unless you can find the rare gem that is the Jaguar controller...that'll make 'em scream! ~Beowulf_VII

For anyone lucky enough to receive both FF and DW this Christmas - I heartily recommend tackling the former first, despite the risk of being too appallingly spoiled by its sweeping visual majesty to go back to the comparatively ugly clod of earth that is DWVII. The latter is an odyssee like none other, and its 100+ hours are going to be wracked with wicked, adulterous dreams of X that'll leave you feeling guilty and frustrated if you don't just get that seductive FF out of the way first.

Because we just god damned know better

Erin, Glad you asked. We here at the Kobun Heat Institute of Telling You What To Purchase Because We Just God Damned Know Better Than You (KHITYWTPBWJGDKBTY) have done extensive research this holiday season in over ten or so video game stores and have come to the conclusion that eBay scalpers already bought all the good shit. So here are our recommendations based on what's left over. What To Get Your Friend Who Doesn't Have a TV: Golden Sun is the single best launch RPG since ever, or possibly since Final Fantasy II if you're not all uptight about translations being written in "English" or anything nutty like that. What To Get Your Friend Who Is, Quite Honestly, Not Even Worth Spending Thirty Bucks On: Video game plushies say "I care about you - to the tune of $10." Look hard and you can find giant Togepis on clearance in Kay-Bee or Toys R Us. What To Get Your Mom: Perfume, or jewelry. Put the damn Columns Advance down; I don't care if you think you'll play it together. What To Get For Your Old High School Buddies Now That You're All Back From Your First Semester of College: Ah, the first winter break back. Getting back together with your hometown friends, who you now realize you basically have nothing in common with compared to your new college buddies. What's to do when tensions start running wild? When you come back and two of your old high school friends end up hooking up? When one of your friends just joined the college Republicans, and one spent his Thanksgiving on a little Greenpeace raft blocking a whale-hunting boat? That's when you get Super Smash Bros. Melee and four controllers, my friend. Mario will make it aw better. What To Get Your Friend Who Has Everything: The first ever Final Fantasy arranged albums to hit the United States: Final Fantasy N and S Generation, available in video game specialty stores nationwide. Chris Kohler

Nintendo's multiplayer games are fabulous bridgers of social, cultural and other interpersonal gaps. Mario Kart and Super Smash Brothers have united unimaginably antipodal peoples for me over the years, and I've little doubt SSBM will prove equally useful at promoting goodwill and accord. A must for holiday gatherings, family reunions, and meetings of the UN.

Mind if I borrow FFX, DMC and MGS2 while you're trying on your reindeer-print jumper?

Nic's 2001 Christmas List of Videogames: Golden Sun And that's all folks. I already bought all the games I wanted (FFX, ICO, DMC, MGS2, SH2, Halo, DOA3) so my list is comprised of DVDs, CDs, and clothes. Shadow Hearts and Star Wars: Obi Wan (I'm a sucker for non RTS Star Wars titles) might have been on my list if I still didn't have a huge backlog of PSX rpgs, I was one of the few who never owned a Playstation. "You'll feel better if you lie with the stars in your eyes." Nic George

Oh c'mon! Who the hell actually asks for clothes? Clothes are the holiday bane of child and child-at-heart alike! Who wants to unwrap a crummy ol' sweater from some doddering old aunt who has for years labored under the delusion that you're not only perpetually 2 years old, but also a girl?! You want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time!

There were no showhouses this side of the Brandywine, dude!

Dear Agent How can you miss the Lord of the Rings opening day? Come on, what's more important, yielding to coporate America's pressure to buy trite, insignificant material objects for an annual commercialized holiday, or Lord of the Rings. 'Course, since I had my shopping done two weeks ago, I really don't have to choose. Here's an interesting, and somewhat frightning thought: With this holiday movie season and the next two all but wrapped up, how far off do you see a Lord of the Rings game? The marketing for this thing would be perfect. Not only would it get this year's hype, but also it would benefit from free publicity and hype from the next two movies, kinda the same thing the Matrix game is doing. Further more, how much, if any, influence do you think that piece of shyte NES Rings game will have with developers and consumers alike. the insane bovine Daniel Nelson PS: Since you keep bringing it up, which weapon do you prefer: Sabre, foil, or epee?

Well... since I keep bringing it up (I do?)... I fence foil (badly), but have intentions of moving into epee now that I can effectively kill a man at ten paces with one blow of my tongue.

Anyway... I missed LotR today with ease, but fully intend to make a night of it Friday.

Whatever the case... thanks for the topic, man.

Closing Comments:

Yup. LotR's made its initial splash, booksellers are pushing the trilogy in the wake of the movie's hype, and our thoughts have largely turned, I'm sure, to the seeming suitability of Tolkien's realm for an epic RPG.

As I've passingly mentioned in the column before, EA has snagged exclusive rights to create a trilogy of games based on the movies, the first of which will reputedly be released next fall to coincide with the theater release of Two Towers, the second LotR film.

My question for you is... in light of the failure that was Lord of the Rings Vol. 1 for the SNES, coupled with the customary suckiness that graces games based on movie licenses, how willing would you be to buy a Fellowship of the Ring game? Good idea? Bad idea?

Write me. It's dark here.

-Erin Mehlos