Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Hey! Trade you 271 Tease & Please Trixies for your Barely Legal Lorraine! Don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm tempted to put together a massive critique of the various restrooms in Las Vegas.

I mean, most every other experience in ludicrously tourist-driven Sin City has been meticulously rated and reviewed to death, and yet, despite a staggering variety and range of quality to be considered in selecting a toilet facility, no one's really written up a definitive out-of-towner's guide to the bathrooms of Vegas.

Over the course of Sunday's exploration of the Strip, I guzzled close to 3 gallons of iced tea (which is something of a mild diuretic if I'm not mistaken) to combat dehydration in Nevada's dry air, I visited restroom facilities in at least 7 different hotel/casinos. Therefore, I feel qualified to pen the definitive tourist's guide to the restrooms of Las Vegas the industry has been so sadly lacking.

Either that or I'm gonna start a Pokémon-style craze trading those little promotional cards for the city's various prostitutes those people accost you with every two feet.

Anyway, good to be back, although I hate taking the reins after Nich's been in. The boy's propensity to putting substance before slack-witted sarcasm puts me to shame... I should be flogged; I don't deserve to live like others - which is probably why I've been tossed into the pit that is Double Agent with you frothing bunch of squidlarkins.

Why are you apologizing? It's my fault, peep.

And I am duly sorry for the oversight - in my haste to get Thursday night's column up I completely spaced-out in adding a spoiler warning to the title of the letter in question. Not that that serves as any justification for my actions - just my lame excuse. I'm new, I'm sloppy, and I really am very sorry to anyone for whom this ruined the MGS2 experience. Don't blame the column or Frank - blame me.

If it's any consolation, I haven't yet played MGS2 myself, so I sympathize. Or, perhaps you'd find it more consoling should I point out that, in light of my predisposition to making embarrasing mistakes, I'm undoubtedly not long for this column and this'll all be over soon.

Cruel Intentions

Howdy. "There's no such thing as an objective review or an objective viewpoint." Sorry for not writing in on topic, but I just couldn't let this line go without comment. I certianly agree that the fun you get out of a game (or any sort of entertainment media) is generally rather subjective, but to go so far as to say that there are no objective viewpoints at all is going overboard. The fact is that games, just like films, novels, plays, and paintings, can be evaluated to be objectively good, bad, or somewhere in between, which isn't necessarily tied to how much enjoyment you get out of them. For example, Final Fantasy VIII and Metal Gear Solid are indisputably better than Beyond the Beyond. It's feasible that someone might get more enjoyment out of the latter than the former, but that doesn't change the fact that FFVIII and MGS are simply better games, and that's a fact. A game's quality is not affected by your, or anyone else's, opinion of it. Titanic isn't a better movie than LA Confidential just because more people liked it and wanted it to take best picture. Or, to use a more extreme example, American Pie isn't a better movie than Pi just because it's wildly popular, whereas few have even heard of the latter movie, nor would they be likely to enjoy it if they did watch it. Naturally, none of this changes the fact that no matter how well or intelligently a review is written the reviewer's impression of a game may be very different from your own. Nevertheless, there is always something that can be said objectively about the quality of a game, and a good review should give you that. -Arpad Korossy

Palidor's letter of yesterday made great use of stupid and contrived plots being enjoyable by virtue of comedic value as an example.

But like Nich said, while somone may be significantly amused by a ridiculously-executed attempt at a story to keep playing, for critical purposes, I think an objective call can be made based on a creator's intentions. Does a game achieve what it set out to? If a cut scene meant to be dramatically tear-jerking has you in stitches on the floor, I'd have to say I'd count that as a pretty damn serious design flaw. So, hilarious as it may be, it's not effectively getting a point across, and so I do believe a game that does is a superior work, and defensible from an "objective" standpoint.

Tightwad Gazette subscribers commiserate

Erin - Launch titles aren't worth much. The situation is better with the Gamecube and the Xbox than it was with the PS2, but there's still only three games anyone cares about: Rogue Squadron 2, Super Monkey Ball, and Halo. Halo's a first person shooter. Quite frankly, I've got a PC if I want to play first person shooters. Rogue Squadron's pretty. Monkey Ball's fun as hell. Still, I'm not buying a system for the sake of two games. Especially with the massive amount of good games coming out on PS2 now that it's hitting its prime. Top that off with some very nice GBA titles, and I'm set. Not to mention flat broke. - An'Desha, still waiting for that one little game that ends with an X.

That's pretty much where I stand myself. I've logged just enough time on department store display units to feel really, really excluded sitting at home pushing on through DWVII, far from the competitive roar of the hundreds of Super Monkey Ball gatherings undoubtedly taking place at that very instant all over the US....

Tightwad Gazette tip #173

Woo! Star Wars! Yahooie! Rogue Leader! Boom boom boom, bye bye Death Star, yeehah! .. I couldn't find a copy of Super Monkey Ball anywhere. I am a hollow shell of a man. ;_; -Hojo

Hey. Now if only you were transparent you could use yourself as a Monkey Ball, et voila! Problem solved in a laudably economical fashion.

Subtly and elegantly....

Erin - Hmm...favorite launch title for a new system.... Easy, Super Monkey Ball. Why? Because it's the only one I've had any exposure to at all. That online Monkey Ball thingy had me playin for a while. Okay, so that was pointless. I with I could say something abou this or that or some launch title for some system way back when, but I can't remember a DAMN thing. I remember 2 launch titles ever. Donkey Kong for NES and Castlevania:CotM for GBA. And both kicked some serious ass. So on that note, did you ever see the Super Mario Brothers movie? Nich wanted us to defend the indefensible, so I present that. The movie sucked ass, but I loved it. On a side note, Golden Sun screams out SEQUEL even louder than the SMB movie did. Peace, Ray Stryker, who is sorry that sucked, and wished he knew somehting about consistency. Or launch titles for that matter.

How about this, Ray? Instead of these daily, thinly-veiled hints to get off my ass and play Golden Sun so we can have an actual discussion about it, why don't you just buy me a GBA and lend me your copy so that I might be similarly enlightened as to its godliness? Actually, why don't you you just send me a wad of bills fat enough so that I might buy and distribute copies of GS to all those still innocent of its greatness? C'mon. If you're gonna shoulder cause, you can't do it half-assedly.

Piscene Longing - by Elizabeth Taylor

Erin, My favorite launch title for a console that has been out for about a week is the one that's still sitting at Best Buy because I'm too broke to buy either of those systems. On the other hand, my 20-day-old copy of Metal Gear Solid 2 was finished with it's first run-through a while ago, and I'm _DYING_ to bitch about it. =P -If Pisces hears one Luigi's Mansion spoiler, knees are getting thwacked.

I plan on handing the long-awaited discussion of MGS2 over to Drew this Saturday. Now that I've given you the heads up, everyone can get an early start on their magnum opi extoling its many virtues.

Anyway, I'm sorry, okay?! It won't happen again. Breaking kneecaps is hardly called for. I'm just as easily incapacitated with chloroform pies, people.

"She's a gasper..."

Well, Super Monkey Ball is the only launch game I've played. And it's a cool game. So, umm, Super Monkey Ball is my favorite launch game. I haven't laughed as hard during a game (whilst playing Monkey Fight) since Parappa's diarrhea song. Why are the monkeys so happy to be in the balls? Could it be the free Dole bananas? steve-o.

SMB's emerging as something of a favorite here, isn't it? And my guess would be it's a little stifling in those balls and air's recycled pretty quickly. Between rapidly depleting the oxygen in their environment and taking that kind of abuse, they're probably just a little punchy.

Various things paling in comparison with various things

Video games have ruined me. On a recent trip to Kansas City over the holiday, I kept looking at trucks and cars on the road and saying to myself, "Rogue Leader looks better." Seriously, you're going to have to shoot me soon. -- Shawn K.

Maybe I just didn't see enough of it, but I didn't go particularly insane over RL's graphics. I personally have become pretty completely jaded regarding all forms of computer-generated imagery.

Am I the only one whose suspension of disbelief fell crashing to the floor when that troll in the Harry Potter film made its initial appearance?

Indecent Proposal

Ms. Erin Mehlos, It should not surprise you at all that my favorite launch title from the console launches of the past two weeks is, by far, Halo for the Xbox. Is this worth mentioning on a site that isn't supposed to cover action games?; probably not... yet Nich made the topic, hence this letter. Halo is hands down the best action game I've ever played in my life. Levels are huge, well-designed, and fun to explore... action is fast-paced and fierce from start to finish... enemies are extremely numerous and their AI is frighteningly good... the team combat offered by the inclusion of NPC Marines is fresh and fun... weapons are very well-balanced... the implementation of vehicles here adds something to the game that can't be found in any other action game... it's long, the story's good, the music's terrific, the voice acting's great-- it's very seldom that I can say so many good things about a game. In fact, my only complaint about Halo is that the multiplayer game doesn't include support for bots, which is only as much of a problem as it is because the multiplayer mode is so incredibly extensive. (Cooperative play is a freaking blast.) Something else of note-- after finishing Halo recently, I picked up Metal Gear Solid 2. Going from Halo to Metal Gear Solid 2 has been an interesting transition. It definitely illustrates MGS2's focus-- stealth, not action. It's easy to mistake MGS2 for an action game, since the excellent presentation makes you feel like you're in an action movie; I myself would have classified the MGS games as "action games" if I hadn't gone directly from Halo to this. But MGS2 is a game about inflitration, whereas Halo is full-on global warfare. Regardless, they're both excellent games, and anyone who likes one owes it to himself/herself to play the other if possible. Honorable mention among console launch titles goes to Super Monkey Ball for the Gamecube. True, I've been giving more time to Dead or Alive 3 than SMB, but I loved Marble Madness on the NES and it's been awhile since I've played something like it. With that in mind, SMB is a refreshing, fun game that all new Gamecube owners should rent if not buy. -Nij

Dammit, man. Just call me "Erin" already. At the very least because I am no longer deserving of your respect in light of the MGS2 incident.

Anyway, no, Halo really doesn't fall into the GIA's particular area of coverage, nor do FPSs fall into my particular area of interest. Halo is single-handedly moving quite a few Xboxes, though, and the game has become ubiquitous through nonstop web chatter and a TV spot that people actually seem to be seeing, so I'd say it definitely deserves a little discussion.

Closing Comments:

DA doesn't traditionally delve into subjects beyond the GIA's coverage, but I think that infequent adventures into other genres might make for a nice change of the conversational pace around here and give those of us with more diverse interests a chance to sound off about something new.

So tomorrow, in the spirit of keeping things colorful, let's talk about Halo.

I'm sure many of you have bought, played, or encountered this messiah among FPSs in some capacity. Does it live up to its legendary hype? Was/is it worth buying an Xbox for? Is it a leg on which Microsoft's console foray might stand tall enough to take on the promising libraries of Sony and Nintendo?

Give me all your thoughts on Halo, or, if you like, your thoughts on how much I suck for making a topic out of this.

-Erin Mehlos, once again splattering the brains of DA convention against the poorly texture-mapped walls