Serve the Servants - November 1, 2001 - Brooke Bolander
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. We are hungry for a lynching. Don't say we didn't warn you. In-freaking-credible. When I asked what you wanted the next DA to be like, I honestly didn't think I'd get the exact same answer from all of you guys. But lo and behold I did, and I'm flattered beyond words at it. All column-writers say the obligatory "You guys are the greatest!" at least once, but dammit, I mean what I say - you people are incredible. A lot of people keep asking who to write about me getting the boot, and all I can say is e-mail the staff if you don't like it. Personally my hands are tied; there is nothing more I can say to save myself. But the readers...well, you guys have a right to say what you think, since you're the reason the site is still here. Power to the people and all that stuff. And thus begins my second to last day. | Play nice, kiddies. | | Hmmm... What do I want from a DA? I'd like someone intelligent, funny, quick with their sarcasm, but who knows when to be serious.
I'd like someone with a wide knowledge of pop culture and obscure knowledge.
I'd like someone who plays a lot of games, and knows what he/she's talking about in design, in experience, in what's fun and what isn't and why.
I'd really like someone who brings a unique perspective to the position.
...Gee, that would be... YOU, Brooke. I don't get it. You're no more bitchy than Drew, you certainly don't tell us to fuck off nearly as often. You're not a straddle-the-fence, boring DA. You have all the charisma of a Thor, for crying out loud, and the slew of email coming in certainly must show you have a fan base. So... what the HELL is up with this? It just doesn't seem right. It stinks of you being pulled out of the DA position for, I dunno, insulting the wrong staff member's favorite game and being given the Flying Wedgie Of Discontent. - Gordy Wheeler, who'd like to see Brooke stick around for a couple more months. Eh, GIA staff? Listening here? | Ahh shucks. I may not be a long-haired pretty boy with an odd Norse name, but for you guys, I can certainly try to be as interesting. I'm sure whomever comes after me will have all of those characteristics you mentioned; it's on the resume, after all. Above all, I don't want you giving them a hard time, alright? I know how hard it was to take over after the coolness that was Chris, and just...well, try not to compare and get mad when the guy/gal isn't me. You'll grow to love them in time, I'm sure. | I'm extinct. | | Brooke, What would I like to see in the next DA? I DONT BLOODY WANT ANOTHER!!! But if I had to say anything.....do you have a sister or cousin JUST LIKE YOU? | I have no siblings, and most cousins of mine are under the age of ten. So I'm the last of my kind. I'm sure there are other blue-haired angry game players lined up around the block for this position though, so maybe you'll be in luck. Hey, maybe it'll be a single girl this time!... | What say you, Fritzy? | | Brooke - What would I like to see in the next DA staffer? Either a carbon copy of you, or someone as funny as Fritz. On a side note, a few friends and I are considering pitching in, buying an X Box, renting a plot of land, and keeping it up a bit in case we ever get kicked out of our houses. Peace,
Ray Stryker, who's wondering what property tax on an X Box would be.... | I'd say they should just ask Fritz to do it, but then when would he have time to write those fanfics? And I know that wouldn't go over well. So...um, hope for someone with a sense of humour. If not, it's going to be a long and bumpy ride. Sometimes you have to have a sense of humor to get through this job, you really do. ...I've got it! They can hire Gord to be the next DA! Hoo boy, and you thought I was sarcastic. | Two of me? | | I want the new DA to be cloned from your DNA and have brain patterns identical to yours, but because all of this would be prohibitively expensive, how about they just let you keep the job? Ok, sorry. I know I'm not helping, but at least you know how much we all appreciated your tenure here. They'll probably be writing fanfic about it for years. How you were torn from us much too soon, written in the vein of an Aerith story. lol... Anyway, perhaps you could tell us what you'll be up to in the future? ~Jason Alexander | If they do write fanfics about it, I'd rather go out in a blaze of glory than get stabbed through the back by some pretty boy with an enormous phallic symbol. Of course, shrines would be nic--NO! I won't have it. No Aeris for j00. As for the future....probably not much for awhile. Lots of Live Journal angsting and the occasional update of Tonberry Hill. If you mean in that big scary bright place known as real life...well, that remains to be seen. I wish you all good luck in whatever you strive for, though. | "How the hell should I know?" | | As a longtime (over a month) DA reader, I have the inexplicable urge to make a fool of myself and wish you well. However, I'm puzzled by this news. My brain is wrought with questions like, "The GIA has a mood and a tone/theme?" and "The GIA has a management?" Before you indulge in laughing at my ignorance and pretensiousness (is that a word?), what is the tone/theme/mood/whatever of the GIA? I can't say that I'm able to find such things in a website, and I don't quite see (yay narrow-mindedness!) why this would force you to be off the "payroll" of the GIA. When I read you first DA post, I said what I usually say to myself when it the DA changes guard, "Wow, this person is new, and just as interesting." Maybe I have an overly romantic view of the world, but what makes people fun and unique are their quirks and talents. Quirks like say, tonberry love, and the ability to write for the DA. I'm really just happy to see anyone, as long as they're not assholes, share their ideas and thoughts on matters. And, well in short, in spite of my annoyance at the cause of this change, and because of your personal plea stop making it so difficult for you to bear personally, I'm going to try and look forward to the new DA posts with optimism. I wish you good luck, and joy as you spread geek/nerd related mirth throughout the net. The long suffered idiot, Eric | Well, there is a management of sorts, but as for tone/mood/them/whatever, I was never aware it was anything but games. Ask them, I dunno. My head is swimming enough as it is. At least I didn't get paid for it; that would make this even more painful. No money was lost, I still have all my fingers and my tongue intact, so it's been a good run. | *Cry* | | Brooke, The new DA must have some very special qualifications. First, he (or she) must be the mental fusion of John Cleese, Collin Mochrie, and the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Second, he must have the entire history of video gaming fused directly into his synapses, fact for fact. He will then be forced to write DA from the spacious interior of an X-Box, until he becomes bitter and evil from overexposure to crappy games, at which point he will be fired for being to damned good at his job. He will then be replaced by our old friend George Dubya, "Leader" of the "Free World" and avid X-Box supporter. Alternately, he could be a midget panda bear with a foul mouth and a hatred for all things fuchsia. - An'Desha, Lord and High Master of All Things Llama. | I dunno. A bald Canadian reverend who does skits about dead parrots and silly walks...it would never work. Making him grow old and bitter inside an X-Box, however, might just be the magic trick that fixes things. Just please, please, please don't let me replaced by Dubya. That's all I ask. | I KISS YOU. | | As you can probably guess, there are a few things I want in a new Double Agent: A) The ability to keep one's personal bias against a console out of the letters column. B) The ability to research a subject before making a completely generalizing, inaccurate statement about it. C) The wisdom to back down when proven wrong instead of completely ignoring contradictory opinions or, worse yet, contradictory facts. D) The desire to utilize the column to encourage discussion of games instead of the desire to utilize the column to fuel one's personal vendetta against a certain console manufacturer. -Nij | Ahh, dear, sweet Nij - I'll miss you least of all. I leave you to the tender care of Drew, whom I know has a burning passion for your letters that almost tops my own. Nij thinks I have a personal vendetta against Microsoft and the X-Box, and Nij is, as unquestionably always, right. I'll tell you that sordid tale right now, if you don't mind. After all, you guys deserve to know. I was ten when it happened. I had gone out for a night of fun and frivolity with my parents; the movie was, as I can clearly recall, The Great Rock N' Roll Swindle. We missed the bus back home, but being a happy family in high spirits, decided to walk the rest of the way home through some of the upper-class neighborhoods. We thought it was safe enough, but we were terribly, terribly wrong. Out of the bushes sprang none other than Bill Gates, brandishing - you guessed it - a prototype of the X-Box. He proffered the system to my father for the low low price of 3,000 dollars, like some sort of obscenely expensive crack dealer. When my father said no, the mood turned ugly. Several of Gate's goons leapt from the shadows, swinging X-Boxes over their heads in an incredible feat of strength. They attacked my parents, beating them mercilessly with the systems. Mother tried to run, but...but one of the controllers caught her square in the middle of the skull. My cotton candy was splattered with blood and brain tissue. For whatever reason - maybe my small size, maybe my cowering in the shadows - I was spared by the MS team. The authorities who found me said I didn't speak for several months afterwards, and perhaps this is true; those weeks afterwards are all a blur to me. All I know is when I finally recovered, I was left with an undying hatred of Microsoft and X-Boxes. And now you know. | Sappy. | | However, when the GIA literally melted down, who gave so generously to keep it running? The site's loyal readers, that's who. If you're going to get sacked anyway, the powers that be should at least come out of the shadows, letting us know exactly who's making this decision, and explain in detail why they feel you need to go. I think they owe us, and you, at least that much. Without the volunteers that faithfully run the site, there's no Gaming Intelligence Agency, but neither is there one without the support of its readers. I hope you will both print this letter and pass it along to whom it may concern. Granted it's true that not every day has been an intellectual roller coaster ride, but you've had your share of moments and I have still sincerely enjoyed your contribution to this column. I don't think you've been given enough time to get into full swing and I'm saddened to see you go. So now what; you gonna go back to being the Negative Creep? -El Cactuar | Passing it along. If the readers aren't happy, they always let me know it - boy do they ever. But you've gotta look on the bright side; someone is going to come through this column soon that will make you all forget I ever existed. They won't have trouble thinking up topics, and they won't bite heads off though, that I'm sure of. In fact, I'd be willing to be they'll be better than me in those respects. I'm just glad I've had the chance to do this column. It's an experience you never forget, and I'm going to miss it like hell. | Puppet Show And Spinal Tap. | | Hi Brooke, What I'd like for in the next DA? An obsession with Tonberries, love of evil, admiration of Ryoko and Zorak, complete insanity, and cool hair. Wait, that's YOU. -Rune, missing you already | There there. All DAs have to love evil; it's one of those requirement things. You actually have to make a pact with the Devil to get the job. Move over Robert Johnson! And speaking of pacts with Satan, you can catch my new show at state fairs and Six Flag locations across the nation. My cover band does nothing but lounge versions of Boston songs - check us out sometime if you get the chance. I'm the one playing after the puppet show at Stage Three. | Tee-hee, I'm so naughty. | | Brooke, Well, if we have to lose you, then I think it would dull the pain for them to hire another female as a DA. She's gotta be funny, smart, and very witty. Frankly, she has gotta be just like you. As for if they hire another guy...well, let's just say that I tend to avoid GIA on weekends, so, well, the point is implied....take it however you want. So, uhh, if I can't have you as my DA, then give me another girl. It's nice to hear a female point of view, and you tended to have much more interesting comments than Drew. Oh, as for the guy asking about a save Brooke campaign...where would we write??? - Savra | See below. Now I'm breaking a cardinal rule by actually speaking about myself in today's column, and yes, I know, I'm a bad girl. However, I've only got one day left, and if you don't like me, you won't have to put up for it for long. Yippy-skippy. | No lynchings, kids. | | Dear Brooke, I will not even consider the prospect of another DA. You have only just arrived and we like you. I want to hear the reasons why the staff didn't think you "fit the format" (bah) well enough, and I want to know who decided this. Because we readers are really all of your bosses. The site wouldn't exist if not for us, both due to our readership, quite simply, due to the cold hard cash we just shelled out to save it's ass. Now not to be arrogant, but it seems to me like you, Brooke, are very well liked by the readership, and I think whoever decided to give you the axe just because of some stylistic or ideological clash should remember that. I doubt the site will wither and die because of this, but I know my enthusiasm will be dampened, and I doubt I'd be the only one. We are not pleased. - Super Saiya-jin. | Like I've stated, what they told me is really all I know. If you want to write the staff and get answers or voice displeasure, feel free to do so - I can't argue with you guys. You're my bosses too, after all, and some of you seem less than happy with this turn of events. That goes for all of you. If you are not pleased, as Saiya-jin so ominously proclaimed, then feel free to say so. I've actually grown to like my wacky bunch of readers - how about that? If I'm just dragging the column down as I do a nose dive into the Atlantic, then I agree, I should go. if you think I'm doing okay, however... | 'Cha, and monkeys might fly out my butt. | | Awww, Brooke, I think the truly disappointing thing is that we've had to say goodbye to two agents in the space of less than six months. Both you and Chris were good, both of you were well loved, and you both brought something new to the column. As has already been said by so many, you'll be missed. As for what I want in a new DA, I say get Parish to do it! I'm sure there's some way to convince him... Hmmmm..... ~The Lunatic On The Grass (Brooke's gone, "and that means one thing... I'm in charge.") | Pfft. The day Jeremy Parish volunteers to take over as Double Agent is the day Cartoon Network plays uncut Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend. Hell, the day they play that at all. In other words, don't hold your breath, guys. I think running Toastyfrog and being cynical keep him busy enough as it is. | Introducing Sassy Smurf. | | You mean besides the depressingly obvious "We want the Brooke clone?" I'd like to see a European or Australian (well, actually, anywhere with PAL :), intelligent, witty, just a light (yet deeply cutting) touch of sarcasm, a person who started with FFVII (since it was the first released in their country), but has come to love their emulated copy of VI. Someone literate (both widely read and very, very widely played). Someone who understands face to face roleplaying, as well as the computerised variety. Someone who loved Torment, but turned their noses up at Baldur's Gate. Most importantly, someone who enhances debate through their insight, without dominating it with their bias. Immense patience, cogent understanding, and eloquent writing. And finally, I'd like to see another girl - just for a change. We've been spoiled for good male agents, and our times with the equally excellent female agents have been all too brief, so, frankly, I'd like some more. You've been the only agent I've actually felt like writing to, despite following DA for a couple of years, and I hope I feel the same about the next agent. Thanks, Brooke. -Jye Nicolson PS: Oh, and GIA? Blue streaks are no longer good enough. We want *all* blue, this time - hair is acceptable, but skin too, if you can manage :) | So you want a witty, sarcastic, well-read Australian Smurf, preferably female, who enjoys PC games, the Final Fantasy series, and rational debate? Man, you people have demanding standards. Good luck finding a smurf who's a big fan of Torment, GIA. Closing Comments: That was about as much about games as it was about the state of deer hunting, but I was expecting more suggestions about the DA. I'm not complaining, just saying...well, thanks again. Now tomorrow is my last day, but it is also Friday, or Free Day. So if you have any last words you'd like to send me, go right ahead. And if you really need something to wax eloquent on, write an elergy about my short-lived time as DA. Go on, you know you want to see a funeral service done by tonberries. - Brooke Bolander, tattooing the Sub Pop logo on her forehead. |
