Beefy! - September 29th, 2001 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I can't believe there are enough refluxophiles to warrant the coining of a new term. Don't say we didn't warn you.
The other day I thought up a great get-rich-quick scheme, and since you readers have always been such a great bunch, I figured I'd give you guys the opportunity to get in on the ground floor, should you be interested. See, what we do is buy a ranch; preferably someplace ural, where realty is still pretty cheap, that stills sees decent traffic. You know, someplace in maybe South Dakota on a popular route that goes somewhere interesting, like another state. Once we had our ranch, we'd get a whole bunch of cows and set up a combination restaurant and hotel with a beef theme. In the restaurant you could buy any sort of beef product, and the hotel rooms would also adhere to the theme. We'd have pictures of cows, sink handles made of bulls' horns, and bedsheets fashioned from pressed beef or something. All of that would certainly attract plenty of beef-lovers the world over, but here's where it gets good. Since the restaurant/hotel is right on the ranch, we can provide beef products at a fraction of the price by cutting out the middleman. As for gimicks, anyone who could watch their sandwhich or steak or whatever being made throughout the whole process could have it for free. Our slogan would be "so fresh, it's kind of disgusting." Obviously, this plan can't fail to make a tidy profit. Anyone with a few hundred thousand dollars to spend on buying a ranch, just send me an email, and we'll get to work. Of course, the more anal readers in the audience could huffily point out that I've again wasted your time talking about non-videogame matters in a videogame column, but I would point out the fact that screw you. | Get to the point already, game! | | Sup Drew. I too have a whole hell of a lot of games I have yet to beat. While a few of them just got me bored to death [like CC, which didn't catch me quick enough to justify the time], most of the games that come out nowadays are way too long. Think of it, of all the games you own and HAVE beaten [RPG, Adventure, platformer, whatever], how many of those do you think were a good length? I may be wrong, but I think devvers of games in general, and of RPGs & adventures especially, are trying too hard to make epics instead of good games. Any why? Because if a game like Resident Evil CODE Veronica or Parasite Eve should be "only" 11 hours on the first go, everyone is foaming at the mouth. Yet, the irony of it all is that some of the best games of all time are short. Metal Gear Solid, Klonoa 1 & 2, Megaman Legends/64, etc, etc. Though this is only my opinion of course, Tales of Destiny and the Lunars are the only non-FF games that really justify their length. Did we really need 40+ hours of Grandia? So with all these long games coming out and the volume of quality games increasing, is it any wonder why people like us have a stack of games a mile high that need to be finished? Just a thought. -Niku Dorei, who passed up Silent Hill 2 for Spy Hunter. |
Interesting points, Niku, and in many respects I'd tend to agree. Really, I think it's just because I'm getting severely jaded; there was a time when I would have hacked through a slow-moving game to get to the good stuff, but now if a game isn't interesting to me within the first hour or so, that's pretty much that. I can't even begin to name the number of titles I've done that with of late. In a lot of ways, I think Final Fantasy VII got this aspect just right; from the very outset of the game, you're ostensibly saving the world, and the first mission is insanely action-packed. Compare this to, say, FFIX, where you get to watch Zidane and company talk about their plan to abduct Garnet for a good half hour before actually doing it. If you can put up with that extra bit of lost time to get to the good stuff, all the more power to you, but a combination of being jaded and having a busy college schedule assures that I almost never do. I generally end up deciding whether I want to sleep or play videogames, so a game had better get moving quick if I'm going to stick with it. Of course, you could point out that I liked Harvest Moon, the slowest-moving game in the entire world, and I couldn't say much as a rebuttal to that. I never claimed I wasn't a hypocrite. As for game length, there's one major difference people tend to forget between action/adventure/platform games and RPGs: you're generally not going to die too often in an RPG. In a game like Resident Evil: Code: Veronica (let's hear it for titles that abuse the colon), you'd have to have a nearly flawless run to finish it in 10 hours. And the odds of that happening your first time through are pretty slim, to put it mildly. Conversely, save a few boss battles and the like, you probably won't end up dying or backtracking too often in the average RPG. Also, should you happen to die, chances are the last save point wasn't all that far back. It's all about moving the storyline forward, so I think the 40 hours is justified. Of course, yes, there are some RPGs that seem the developers drew the length out for the simple sake of meeting the 40-hour precedent. But, hey, just don't play those games, I guess. | Just a slight problem | | OH MY GOD DO I HAVE A PROBLEM. What a coincidence this topic is mentioned since my friend a.k.a. Coco, and I always talk shit about ourselves because we keep buying and buying games and never finish them and sometimes don't even touch them. I can't understand it because I want to play some of them so badly yet I have so many that I'm always overwhelmed by the amount of time they will take to finish that I never get around to it as I tell myself that I don't have time (when in reality I have no social life). For example: I bought Vagrant Story the week it was released, back whenever it was, I love that game, I love squaresoft, yet after about 8 hours into it I somehow stopped playing and didn't pick it up again. I still haven't beaten Xenogears (which my friend refers too as the greatest RPG ever made), and I'm about half way through it. I have barely touched FFIX even though it's my favorite RPG series of all time just because it was the first RPG series I really played. The same goes with Lunar 2, RE: Code Veronica, Grandia 1 & 2, Shenmue, Sonic A.2, Leg.of Kain SR, Medal of Honor, Fear Effect, Gran Turismo 1, Alundra, RE3, Castlevania SOTN (amazing game), FF Anthology, and not to mention all the goddamn N64 games I want to finish. And the list will go on as I will purchase yet another console to add to my PS2, DC, N64, etc. and all the kazillion good games that will be released this November. To sum it all up, I LOVE videogames. It's not just playing them, it's the experience. I'm glad I have played and beaten the classics that I have (ex: MGS (God's greatest creation), Zelda, FF7, etc.), and continue to play new games like ICO (and MGS2 *drool*, can't wait) because I dunno if I'd be the same without them. Videogames have definitely affected my life in a great way. Hello my name is Fernando, and I am an addict. |
I love this letter mainly for the final line of the last paragraph. In many ways, participating in the gaming community is half of the fun. We get our games, we read about our games, we check out sites like Penny Arcade and laugh along with other members of our nerdy little clique. It gives you the same feeling of belonging as a gang, without all of the killing people and wearing bandanas. Of course, the requisite for membership is that we at least play some portion of the hot new games so we can participate in the discussion. So, often, we end up buying a game because other gamers are digging it, and play just enough to participate in debates and the like, rarely actually having the time or devotion to finish them. Of course, when I say "we," what I really mean is "me," and I'm assigning my habits to all gamers as though a faceless mass devoid of variance. I guess I just hate you. | For the love of Mike! | | Drew, Don't even ask me to explain the subject line. I find today's subject very, very appealing. I'm drooling, fer chrissakes. How to write best the words with which to express a video game addiction? To understand how this happened to me... admit it, reader, to us? Well, when I was young, we only got one or two RPGs a year. Two if we were lucky. It never seemed to be enough, for one RPG can go down within a period of 40 - 70 hours, leaving you waiting 9 or 10 more months for the next RPG. Even though you tried so hard to make this year's last as long as possible. As it turns out, this kind of self-conditioning is pretty hard to break. Ever since the release of the Sony Playstation, that's all changed. Drastically. RPGs come out now, up to 20 a year or more, if you want to count remakes. It just seems as if there is not enough time to beat them all, and yet that core value of our youth is deeply instilled in us. Buy it if its an RPG, because you don't know when they'll release another one. Even the sinister thought in your head, "If I buy more RPGs, they will release more (better) RPGs." adds to the piles of unbeaten games.. You'd think with sites like The GIA around, and widespread video game rentals, we'd get smart and at least try a game before we buy it, but for the most part, we don't. We hear "RPG" and get turned into video-game whores. And this is what leads to what Brooke said yesterday... the "'I have twenty games I haven't even played and yet I need more' syndrome." I've found myself here more and more as of late, especially with more and more time restrictions placed on my personal gaming time as I grow older. Yet, when I get burnt out on RPGs, I always come back to them. There's always a game that's worth it. More addictive. With better graphics, sound, and/or game play. Of course, this leads to another pile of games I've only played to the second disc, or to just before the ending, because something else came out and I had to switch. The worst part is, the "hardcore gamer" in me doesn't even want to admit that I can't finish these games. I make up excuses, such as "Well, I don't want to waste the time to walk through that last dungeon again." or "It's a remake, I already beat it when it was on (original system).", and even multiple variations of "I'm not playing that game anymore, I'm playing this one.", "That other one is too boring.", and " I'm tired of that game now." Is video-game addiction possible? Is RPG addiction possible? If you've felt sympathetic to anything in this letter, if you know how I feel, or find yourself nodding in agreement to anything I've written here today, you will answer yes. If you haven't understood a word I've said, be thankful you escaped this costly and time-consuming habit... and for the love of Mike, why the hell are you reading this column? ~arc |
Man, another great letter. Normally I have to wade through dozens of emails saying things like "I like fish" just to get to the thought-out, literate stuff. Between letters like these, and the way everyone rallied to our aid when we were in financial poop a few weeks back, you guys are threatening to strip me of my cynicism and hate. If you keep this up, my columns are going to be about as exciting as sharpening pencils with a toothbrush. I agree with pretty much everything you say, especially the part about renting. Despite having approximately 10,000 better things to spend my cash on, I still plop down 50 bucks a pop for the latest game. Extremely stupid when you consider how rarely I finish a game, let alone go through it more than once. There's still a misguided part of me that feels a beaming sense of satisfaction when I have a clean, shrink-wrapped jewel case in my hands. I'm getting better, though; when I was in junior high school, I listed my favorite smell in the world as being the odor you get when you sniff the silicon board sticking out of the bottom of a cartridge after it'd been playing for a while and gotten all warm. Just, uh, don't go around telling that to people or anything. | And now to change the subject entirely | | Here's a better topic: Enterprise. Who cares about game addiction when you can see Bakula in his underwear! -Palidor |
I was impressed by how blatantly they've begun to work cheap sex-appeal into the Star Trek franchise. They're apparently still working on getting it down right, though; that little scene was so ridiculously extraneous, it elicited a cynical chuckle from my lips. Then again, that vulcan chick is really hot, and the section of my brain genetically hardwired to enjoy being pandered to certainly wasn't complaining. I wish I was above that, but I'm pretty sure that would require me to have my testicles removed and all of the testosterone somehow siphoned from my body without bleeding me dry. | You guys are even more strange than I am | | Okay, there are only two things bigger than my ass, and one of them is yours, but the other one is that gaming hobbit of the fine guy who walks into EB with a pair of suspenders, and swinging those fine red couderory pant holders in place, he says, in a sasy voice, I'd like the newest working designs game that features Ashley Angel. But seriously now, can you really complain about our gormandising on the feast planted before us when, c'mon, you remeber the day when Secret of Evermore came out and you were excited just because Squaresoft had a new secret that was like Sweet Valley High for guys with a dog that changed shapes. Now you'd be like, fuck Drew, there's 5 different Sweet Valley High games from Squaresoft alone this month (we have to set Square up, he's so lonely), but at the time it was a big deal just to get even a watered down sequel. So maybe we feel like it's vengence in an incredibly stupid kind of way, it's like the kind of victory that AlmostT makes up for the lack of sex, we have more games than we do free time. You could consider it a waste of money and carbohidrates to buy such a large quantity of 3-d numbers but in reality it says two things: 1) we make enough money to support sony, which is a big improvement from when we were young sucking dick for sony flakes of powered coke, and 2) we won. You know Bill Gates plays the same bullshit we do. Sure his wife is probably so attractive that it causes physical pain but she sleeps with lifeguards while bill plays Hoshigami. And if it were 1992, would we be playing Hoshigami (assuming it was a SNES or Genesis game)? No. That's why we one. Sex fades away in a fragile memory, but Hoshigami is 3 syllabols long. It will take a long time to forget this accomplishment. One year for each unforgettable sylabol. Melvins fans will die lonely, -Ted Copulate. P.S. Every time I stab you my knife shrinks. I thinlk you're cold water, and my knife might be an elongated phallus.; P.P.S. What do you think is the better band name: a) the John Cougar Concentration Camp b) Lithp or c) Fucking Baseball Stadium. I've had people argue point c while on a train driving at 72 miles per hour (really), but I'd have to go for selections a or b. Take care. Litpons rice meals ate only 69 cents this week at Super G if you have a bonus card. |
This column was starting to make way too much sense. Thanks for fixing that, Ted! Just to answer your question, I'd go with Fucking Baseball Stadium, as long as it's a punk band we're talking about here. Only punk bands can get away with fun names. | Our addiction | | Drewz0r, Uhm....so Final Fantasy Tactics didn't have explorable regions....so it gets boring. I see....wait, no I don't. The whole point of a strategy RPG is generally strategy. When you're, for some reason, equating Final Fantasy to Final Fantasy Tactics, you're going to have to keep in mind that Final Fantasy is about exploration, while FFT is about strategy. Make sense? No? Well screw you. On the subject of gaming addiction, yes, it's very possible and/or probable. There can be addictions with anything, ranging from porn and TV to photography and stamp collections. Also crack. Can't forget crack. Gaming addiction must be pretty deep, though. An average RPG runs you about 40 hours (depending on whether you take the "MUST GET TO FINAL BOSS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE" route or not). So for about forty hours, you're happy and getting your fix of gaming. Then what? Like a drug addict alone on the street, you have to wait for the gamecube to be released or quickly hit the import stores. Bad times indeed. So, here's the idea: just say no. Say no to Square!
Say no to Nintendo!
Say no to Konami! Say yes to Sega because you feel guilty about bootlegging their games and causing them to ditch the dreamcast! Of course then the gaming industry would die. Which would make Hong Kong pirates the richest in the world. Hmmm, there seem to be flaws in this plan. -- Shawn K., buying an eye patch and moving to Hong Kong |
I think that, yes, whereas videogames aren't physically addictive, they are most certainly mentally addictive. Unless you'd consider the way excessive gaming makes you to weak and skeletal to support your own weight an addiction to the couch, just because that sounds cooler than saying you're too weak and skeletal to support your own weight. Anyway, games absolutely get into your brain if they're good enough. I remember when I was in elementary school a cop came to class and explained that marijuana leads to a mental addiction: your brain keeps saying, "Hey man, let's go get some more of that stuff we smoked the other day." It sounded like a circuitous way of saying, "weed is not actually addictive," but that's neither here nor there. The point I'm slowly getting around to making is that games get into your brain in just this manner; at school, work, wherever, you can't stop thinking about that last plot point or that next dungeon you're dying to tackle. I'd call that mentally addictive. Of course, people already blame games for all of the evils of the world, so we should probably keep this little theory hush-hush. | Sort of like this | | Drew, I've found that the games most people get addicted to fairly easily are online PC games. For me, it was Diablo. I still remember that fateful day I bought Diablo. My first thought was something along the lines of, "Wow. This is pretty cool.". Seven hours later, it was still pretty cool. My daily routine came to be something like, wake up, go to school, come home, play Diablo, inhale my dinner, play Diablo until about 11 PM, change computers so that my parents would think I was sleeping while I was, in fact, playing Diablo, fall asleep at computer desk. Repeat for about a month. I shudder to think what's going to happen to me when Star Wars: Galaxies comes out Oh, and I can't confirm this, but I've heard stories about Phantasy Star Online. Horrible, horrible stories. -Adam W., Diablo-free for, well, a long time now. Yay for Diablo II. |
Case in point. Closing comments: Okay, so there we go. Time for tomorrow's topic: what game finally convinced you that the "next generation" had begun? Why was that? Or, maybe, are you still waiting for the game that will convince to shell out for a new console? What will it take to move you to make the purchase? That is all. -Drew Cosner, hater of the stupid new Gauntlet games | | | |
