Double Agent
HAPPY@!!11 - September 7th, 2001 - Drew Cosner

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Come on people now, smile on your brother. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Good day, fine readers. As host of Double Agent I realize there's something of an unspoken agreement between us. By clicking the link that brought you here, you've made evident your desire to be entertained with the latest video game discussions. As host, I process that click, recognizing the need to entertain -- and it's my hope that today's column will do just that! You see, in a way these "clicks" are like a kind of currency being exchanged between you readers and myself. Happy Internet currency that you trade in for even greater happiness! You give me clicks, I give you happiness. It's like the server of my heart crashed, taking all of my files with it, and only your Happy Love Currency can bring me back up again!

So even though, technically, money keeps the GIA up and running, I'd like to think it's actually love that does the job. Really, what good is living without love and happiness? Without these two things, we may as well just be maggots. Maggots gnawing at the soft, gangrenous flesh of the leg of a man whose entire mountain team died in a blizzard and is now waiting for the embrace of death within a cave that's mere degrees above freezing. We don't know what we're doing! We just gnaw and gnaw! Mmm, that's some good flesh! See? How important happiness is!

And isn't that the truth! Happiness is like warm rays of sun on your back, massaging your skin and trying to sneak down your pants, until you slap the rays away and you're like, "Oh no you don't, you naughty happiness!" When I sit down to write a column, it's like happiness cells come alive in my body and start emitting happiness rays that protrude from my fingertips. At that point, it's imperative that I sit down and write to get the happiness out. If I don't, I'll be walking down the street and suddenly I'll just burst in a beautiful spray of happiness and it will get all over this guy and his girlfriend and they'll both be like, "OH GOD! OH SHIT, WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?" But I'll know what happened, even in billions of pieces of happiness, because the happiness somehow binds my consciousness together in an intangible mass, floating beyond reality yet still somehow connected to it.

I hope now you realize just how important writing this column is to me!

In Japan, they're called Musashi and Kojiro.

Oh happy day!

Yo Drew,

Since this is such a happy day, I think you ought to discuss your love of Babel Tower in Xenogears a bit.

Also, on a more serious note (only slightly, though) I was wondering if you actually give a damn about Xenosaga. I know that you don't hate the Xeno-team exactly, since you at least don't associate Chrono Cross with eyeball gouging pain, but do will the mere appearance of the same characters and story elements turn you off?

I have the nagging suspicion that you were begging Vestal for days to switch roles...either because of the excessive happiness of the column or your lifelong dream to dress as a Moogle.

--The Steve

I tell you what, that Babel Tower was some sheer video game genius if ever I saw it. How many times have you confronted this situation: there you are, enjoying the latest RPG, when you realize that the dungeons are just an excuse to hack through a few random battles between the entrance and the exit. Boring, right? Well, of course it's not boring, since there's no such thing as a bad RPG and no RPG element is ever flawed because RPGs are like liquid fun cooled and set into the shape of discs. But assuming for a minute that there is some cantankerous jerk out there who's grown weary of RPG mainstays, the Tower of Babel should have seemed to this hypothetical individual pure art form.

Think about it: the Tower of Babel injects the standard RPG dungeon with a third dimension. Thanks to that, you don't just proceed from point A to point B, impeded only by the occasional random battle. Oh no, you can actual plummet all the way to the entrance -- all while being impeded by random battles! I mean, come on; how much more innovation could one possibly hope for?

As for Xenosaga, I think my stance should already be clear: there's no such thing as a bad RPG, so this game will no doubt excel in every possible category. Just seeing the screen shots absolutely rocked my world. At least, I'm pretty sure my world was rocked, because that would explain the way I peed myself while looking at the shots.

As for dressing like a Moogle, if that's what it would take to demonstrate my appreciation for Square and all of the hours of enjoyment it's unselfishly bestowed upon me, that would be worth it! Square gives us gamers happiness and asks nothing in return. Besides, it would just be so much fun! I would run up to little kids and make them balloon animals and sing songs with my ukulele, and we would all laugh and have so much fun. And unlike those clowns that live in gas stations, I wouldn't reveal myself to people!

This letter was so damned excellent, however, that I feel absolutely obligated to hook you up with another Sexalicious Award. Not only that, but since the original Sexalicious Award disappeared into the void when the server crashed, you get to be the first person ever to receive the Sexalicious Award Version 2! Won't your friends be envious?

In Harvest Moon, you can grow cucumbers. Heehee.

Remember, the Sexalicious Award is what your local weather man might call "bootylicious," if he's not too busy selling stolen bikes out of the trunk of his '86 Buick.



FF1 kix ass cuz it ain't selling out like all of the other finnal fntasys. Yer just a pussy cause you like pretty grafix like a "grpahic whore!" HAh! Why DONT you just give me 1 of yer stupid "awards..." oh no you cant because you have to BE HAPY AND NICE TODAY! LOLLOL!!!

joshua "l33t!--;;;)(S(D" jarvis

Honk if you're SEXY!

He knows I know


Well, well, well. I just want to say a few things I KNOW will get under your skin. And if we're lucky, maybe we they get under your skin, they'll start to lay eggs in your stomach. Then the eggs will hatch and you will be eaten from the inside out. HAHAHAHA!

First of all, I find it incredibly trite that a bunch of 20 something Americans can argue about videogames all day but not give a damn about current events. Who cares about these damn games when there are people starving in Africa?

Secondly, Japan is the cultural mecca of the world. EVERYTHING that comes out of there is brilliant. EVERYTHING. One of my favorite things to do is to sit around and impress my friends with my knowledge of obscure Japanese console games. These games are vastly superior to anything that comes out here.

Finally, every single Final Fantasy plot is better than any novel ever written. The character depth, atmosphere, and engaging dialogue are far more satisfying than some stupid book like "The Grapes of Wrath".

Distillatruant-I know YOU know I'm being sarcastic....

Not much to say, since you already summed up most of my feelings. Good work, Distillatruant. Have a Sexalicious Award!

Calls calls calls, calls from the public, calls calls calls calls.

Remember, the Sexalicious Award will get all brown and nasty if you leave it out over night, so better eat it fast. Unless you want ants in the house, and if you do you can be the one who calls the exterminator this time. Although after the whole "rats living in the walls" fiasco, I doubt he'll even want to come back.

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I absolutely love these kinds of letters! Here I am, my future as uncertain as it gets, and these kind people are willing to let me in on an exclusive opportunity to make millions of dollars! I don't know what I did to deserve this sort of special attention, but it sure is appreciated! In fact, let's have a moment of silence to appreciate these fine folks.

Okay, that's good.

[Editor's note: Drew does not actually love this kind letter. Please don't sign him up for more junk mail. Thank you.]

Okay, so it's the only day I'm admitting to my self-humiliation


"Day of Humiliation"? Only one? I suppose I should show these youngsters the DA archives..

Joking aside, I don't think "kawaii" stuff will have much impact on you. After all, you are one of the few with a strong appreciation for the N64, a system with some of the cutest games ever made. Mario's many faces, Pokemon Snap, Banjo-Kazooie/Tooie, Harvest Moon 64, etc. Sugary as hell, but damn fine games. If you can see past all the fruitiness of those games, I don't see how this column will be at all difficult for you. You like this stuff; it isn't torturous as the title "Day of Humiliation" implies it would be.

In fact, I'd be willing to bet you thrive on kawaii junk. You probably have Chu Chu posters in your room. You'd one-up Brooke's Tonberry plushie with a white/pink moogle plushie. Hello Kitty dildos? You'd have Hello Kitty lubricants.

So, just don't conceal your Super Happy Fun Fun Bunny Buddy Drew side with your sarcasm, and you'll be fine. Be yourself in this column - let the gay times roll.


That is an excellent, insightful letter, D.F. Most people can't even tell the agents apart, let alone recall our disparate tastes in games, but you sure did. Not only that, but you were able to extrapolate how I'd react to a "cheerful" column given my taste in games. Bravo, D.F. Bravo.

I'm so damned impressed, I'd just like to have your child to show my appreciation. I had even whipped up a nice image as a visual aid, but the rest of the GIA staff apparently found it distasteful. Instead, here's a suggestive picture of a monster truck driving out of an airplane hangar.

I stubbed my face.

Torture? What torture?

I feel so bad for you... you have to be horribly happy and optomistic. That's no way to go through life, right ?

In any case, I was going to discuss the merits of a Parappa the Rapper RPG. Think about it! You could have such amazing characters as Parappa, Onion Dude, Transvestite Moose Cop, Drug Induced Reggae Frog, and last but not least, the crazy cooking chicken! I can see it now! Parappa could attack with a stream of phat rhymes, Onion man could do martial arts, Moose Cop would just cap enemies, Reggae Frog would use his "skunk" power, and Chicken Chef would cook them. The enemies could be various um, things. The boss could be that annoying dude with the nice car and stuff. It would be a REVOLUTION!

Oh... and I'd also like a new Love Hina RPG, with 3d Polygonal goodness... :) If you don't know what Love Hina is, shame on you. The object of this RPG would probably focus on walking in on all the girls while they change. Oh the beauty of it all!

I think that's enough torture :p


Actually, I think a Parappa RPG would kick some serious ass. Combining the best elements of the RPG and rhythm genres, if done properly, could make for a fantastic gaming experience. And I'm being serious right now. I think. My mental sarcasm detector malfunctioned years ago. Now I go around saying things like, "I really bet you could take me on," in a nasally, mocking voice, only to have my face promptly pounded in. And just as a piece of advice, police officers don't like it when you admit that "[you're] not listening" in a sing-song voice.

I must say, though, KTallguy, this letter has filled me with hope for the future. Below you'll find an image wherein my hope is represented as a Hello Kitty dildo and the future is depicted as a doughnut.

I'll bet the doughnut's happy.

My time has come

Your time has come, Drew.

Finally, I, WE, will have our revenge. I am the vessel, the instrument of all the Xenogears fans you flayed and ridiculed over the years. Now, you will suffer. We will now hear you speak, in glowing terms, of Xenogears. Praise the heroes. Praise the villains. Praise the graphics. Praise the plot. Praise Disc 2. And, with every fibre of your being, exalt Hyuga and all that he is. Now.

-Super Saiya-jin.

Ah yes, Xenogears. Yet another fine piece of work. With a plot that far supersedes petty "literature" like the Holy Bible or any of that crap Tolstoy ever wrote, and gameplay that would make Jesus himself weep with approval, how could anyone possibly speak ill of the game?

And those characters, I tell you. Not a single one was underdeveloped, and that's including the villains as well. And while, sure, some would argue that there are plot holes about, I would simply call them creative omissions. What good is a game that spells everything out for you? And what's the deal with people mocking the second disc? So the developers ramped the narrative up a bit, big deal. I mean, the story was such artwork as it was, who wouldn't want more of that?

Yes, I could go on and on about the story line. Not only was it complex and enthralling, it was also brimming with keen plot twists. I mean, honestly, who would have ever guessed that Soylent was people? Maybe if you're some kind of psychic monkey with a Future Jewel in his head; but the rest of us mortals were taken by shock.

However, for bringing up all of these excellent points, there can be only one reward: a Sexalicious Award, of course! Enjoy, Super, you earned it!

You're on TV? Suckers!

Remember, the Sexalicious Award wants to find the spaceship, but can't get on until it's rolling its balls off on ex.

People can be so silly

Dear Drew:

Please provide me your take on the continuing "old skool" v. "eye candy" debate. Is Dragon Quest VII all that? Isn't the lack of plot in FFV much better than the blatant graphics whoring in FFVII? Doesn't innovation suck? What is your opinion on Xenogears?

Etiam, delenda est Carthago.


You know what? I just don't understand all the fussin' and the feudin' over some of the points you bring up. Since every game is good, why argue over superiority? No design philosophy can possibly eclipse another, since the end product is always the same: quality! It's like arguing over which is better: eating cotton candy under the ocean in a special ocean helmet that you can still eat through, or eating chocolate in outer space on a planet where you can breath and everything is made of sex. They're both great!

You heard the talking disembodied head! Get to work!

Closing comments:

Well, that was sure swell! Tomorrow Nich is back in, so be sure to send him some mail! I even linked twice, to make it doubly easy! You can compensate by sending him two emails! That will sure make his day!

As for a topic, just let him know how happy you are, and how happy this column makes you! Wheeeeee!

-Drew Cosner, livin' off love.

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