Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I just think it's funny - I was born a loser. But you're one by choice. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Oh - hello there! The name's Brooke. You might remember me from such films as Johnny Can't Read, and Here Comes The Metric System!

.....Well, either that or you'll recognize me as Negative Creep, or NC. Since this column isn't about me, but about games, I guess I'd better get the introduction over with now, eh? The sooner you know who you're dealing with, the sooner I can shut up and let you guys have your say.

So here are the facts - I'm female, 19, have bright blue streaks of hair, and am happily engaged, so no proposals please. If you send me one I'll either politely reject you or kick you in the cajones, depending on my mood. So be forwarned.

Onward!

I've been really suprised at the warm reception I've received so far. As my letter to Chris yesterday stated, I was expecting more of a neat and orderly lynch mob to greet me than than the friendly, quasi-cautious group that's sent me letters today. Of course, that could all be subject to change once you realize what a fraud I am, but for now I think I'll just enjoy it.

Although I'm guessing now wouldn't be the best time to mention the fact that Chris is nailed to a large wooden cross hanging above my fireplace, would it?...

...Yeah, this is more of what I was expecting. Some people might be bothered by this kind of thing, but not me, oh no. In the immortal words of Ryoko, "I'm actually more of a sadist." Your pain brings me joy!

And no, I'm afraid it's not a dream. Otherwise I wouldn't be living in Texas right now, and the X-Box would actually have a decent-sized controller. Oh, and Hiroshi Yamauchi would be known as 'Grandmasta' Y, Funkenstein.'

I don't think of the world as my personal toy as much as I believe the world thinks that about me. Life would be a lot more fun and fufilling if I could actually get what I wanted. Alas, we're all just hamsters on the big spinning wheel of life. As for looking like Zeal, I have the requsite blue hair...but I'm just going to say 'no,' since the fact you're lusting after Janus's mommy creeps me out a bit.

X-Box, X-Box, how do I love thee. I think the name should clue people in as to how hard MS has thought this over. "If we put an X in the title, the kids will think it's cool!" Because, as we all know (or all marketing directors think we know) X is the coolest letter in the alphabet.

So yeah, I'm a bit wary about this thing myself. My computer crashes about once an hour thanks to the magic of Windows 98, and I had enough trouble handling the Dreamcast controller as it was. If it had more than 2 good games scheduled for release, maybe I could ignore these things. Maybe. As it is, I'm quite certain that unless I sustain a severe blow to the head and wake up thinking I'm a teapot, the X-Box will not be on my shopping list.

Besides, I really don't think Bill Gates NEEDS more cash, do you?...

Well actually, in a way you got both of your wishes - erm, sort of. I lived overseas last year, and hopefully will go back for good sometime in the not-too-distant future. I'm about as patriotic as Alger Hiss, so moving to another country and giving up my citizenship in this consumerist hellhole isn't going to be too hard for me.

And you think it's rough using my real name. I can't wait for all my online pals to start giving me holy hell aboit this....Brooke indeed. Doesn't fit the NC image very well, does it?

In all honesty, I have yet to get one marriage proposal out of this deal, and that's even before my "I'm already engaged, get bent" announcement in today's column. I'm sure I'll have a nice thick stack of death threats after a few weeks, though, so I could always stick those up.

....And I can't seem to find this money sack of which you speak. Remember though, I only take small, unmarked bills. That and shiny bits of metal.

I got this question a lot. it's probably the question that's come through my inbox the most today, so I'd better damn well answer it.

My top 4 favorite games ever would have to be FFVII, the original Ecco the Dolphin for the Genesis (laugh and I slit your gullet,) Valkyrie Profile, and Lunar 1. There, now that you know, you can get to the far more important businuss of making fun of my selections and calling me either "2 0ld-sK00l" or "graphics whore."

I don't think any of us were expecting the money to pour forth this fast. I really have to say, my disgruntled and bitter cynic nature has been stunned to silence by this, and by how bloody nice everyone's been on my first day. Dammit, how am I supposed to act surly and negative when you people are being so friendly?!

*Note : That was Brooke saying 'thank you.' Sometimes it's rather hard to tell, but trust me, she meant it.*

I got a few letters to Chris after the ol' column got handed over, and I just figured I should post at least one more. Chris, ya did a good job. Now make your fans shut up already, okay?

As for myself, no, I don't think I'll be playing "Mary-Kate and Ashely's Trip To The Red Light District" or whatever it's called. I'm also not a big fan of puzzlers, so never fear. The closest I've ever come to playing with "girly" things was when I found a Barbie doll a few years back. I promptly gave it a mohawk, stuck a safety pin through the nose and hung it from a noose in my window. Stereotypes be damned.

Yeah, there's a lot coming up, but I rather look forward to it. Lots of debates to wage, games to play, and systems to watch die. Who will survive? We'll see.

As for your other questions...

1) Actually, I hardly ever touch alcohol. It's not that I have anything against it, I just don't like the taste. And besides, I'd rather be totally in control of my actions - drunk people have to be some of the stupidest-looking individuals on the planet. Oh, and it was Drew that started this sordid rumour, not Chris. I'll have the last laugh when he's churning out his incredibly happy, non-threatening column, oh yes.

2)Now that I have to wonder about. Actually it was more like "Me? Get the job? Hah hah! Yeah right, when Hell freezes over." But evidentally they left the air-conditioner on too long down there or something, because here I am.

3) I've already named my favorite games, so that should be obvious...hobbies? Sitting in my room playing games and reading sci-fi novels, of course. Punk/indie rock's another big part of my life, and sometimes I even write fanfiction. I live a life of danger.

Naaah. The only thing yaoi makes me want to do is curl up into a little ball and cry. If other people wanna look at it that's fine, but not me, brother.

...Although your "Ewww, a girl, icky!" attitude makes me wonder if I should reconsider just out of spite. Who wants to see an entire column devoted to the Hero and Jowy, huh huh?!

Yeah, I'm pretty stunned myself.....and Jesus, everyone's being so nice I feel like I've stepped into another universe. When's the public stoning? I DEMAND to be strung up!

....Erm, or not. Thanks guys, really.

Closing Comments:

Well that was certainly surreal...I never expected to be taken in with open arms, but with the exception of a few, I feel embraced.

"I wish I could just HUG you all!...But I'm not gonna."

Anyways, for tomorrow's topic, since no-one sent one in and the news is rather slow at the moment, how's about we discuss your favorite RPG monster? Tonberries? Bandersnatches? Victor Ireland? Discuss.

-Brooke Bolander, who likes her monsters small, green, and lantern-toting.