Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I guess it really is a wonderful life. Don't say we didn't warn you.

"...and so there ain't nothing more to write about, and I am rotten glad of it, because if I'd 'a' knowed what a trouble it was to make a column I wouldn't 'a' tackled it, and ain't going to no more."

-Mark Twain, Huckleberry Finn, slight paraphrase.

I sent that quote off to Drew in a letter soon after he retired from doing the column, but before I found out I had the job. At the time I resolved that if I ever ended up writing my last column at the GIA, I'd use it, much like I wanted to start things off with a quote from Steve Earle's "Sellin' Snake Oil", which seemed appropriate at the time.

But now that I take a look at it, it's not really all that accurate; Huck's words have a certain truth to them, but they really don't reflect how much I've loved this job, and how much I'll miss it in the future. Thus, interlaced throughout the rest of this column will be candidates for the quote I'll close the column with... who knows, I may find something that just about fits before it's all done.

But before we get to that, there's an announcement I've got to get out of the way:

Note to those skimming the intro: read the next paragraph!

Those of you who have been paying attention in the right places already have some idea of who the next DA is; for those of you who haven't, I have only three words: drunken Irish brogue. Yep, meet our newest Double Agent, Ms. Brooke Bolander. From here on out, it's her show; agent@thegia.com now points to her, and all that implies. So give the lady a warm welcome or I'll burn down your house.

Ok, I think that's it. So here we go, one last time...

Onward.

A lot of people wrote in a lot of great stuff about me today (and have been for the past few weeks) but oddly enough, this is one of the letters I'm proudest of. I've tried to take a somewhat different approach to the column than my predecessors did, both here and at other sites, and although I've always been proud of the work I did, I was never all that certain how I was really doing, mostly because you can't accurately judge something until it's over.

And now that I'm at the end of my term, I'm seeing a fair number of letters praising the job I did, which is great, but it was also somewhat expected. (I wouldn't have kept writing as long as I did unless somebody liked what I was doing.) But here we've got a letter who openly admits that he preferred guys like Drew, Allan and Thor... and that's fine, tastes differ, and I think in the future the column may pendulum back to that kind of style. What I'm pleased about is that he, and a couple of others like him, still found me worthwhile enough to keep reading. And getting compliments from people who aren't that predisposed to like you says a lot, I've always felt; diehard fans are great, but the only people who'll really tell you how you're doing are those without an axe to grind, one way or the other. I'm honestly pleased to have gotten your approval, Mr. Barder, partial though it may be.

I appreciate and was touched by Nich's tribute yesterday; just as I've sought the approval of borderline readers, I've also been happy to get approval from the rest of the staff over the years (i.e., the folks who do the real work around here) and it seems that when all's said and done, at the very least they don't think I've screwed up too badly.

Still, I'm kind of at a loss of what to do with Nich's topic - accepting this stuff at face value doesn't seem right, disagreeing too much seems arrogant, and ignoring it just seems rude. So what does that leave me left to say?

You're welcome.

"There's a girl with a crown and a scepter
Who's on WLSD
And she says that the scene isn't what it's been
And she's thinking of going home
That it's old and it's totally over now
And it's old and it's over it's over now
And it's over it's over it's over now
I can see myself
At the end of the tour
When the road disappears
If there's any more people around
When the tour runs aground
And if you're still around
Then we'll meet at the end of the tour."

-They Might Be Giants

Evaluation: Don't know who the girl with the crown and the scepter is, and the subtext of the tour/car crash doesn't really fit with what I'm trying to say. Cool song, though.

Here's another group I'm glad to get email from: guys like The Steve who have been solid, reliable writers to the column for far longer than I've been writing it. It's good to see that I haven't driven off such natives, and I'm half tempted to make a list like Drew did in his last column, thanking people who have been at least as big a part of this column as I have, though their letters and continuing support.

Problem is, there's just too damn many of you; people have come and gone and come back again, and there's probably more than a hundred people whose names I've come to recognize in my inbox by now, and who I've always been able to count on for something printable. So no names named, but... thanks, guys, and gals. Seriously, I couldn't have done it without you, and I hope you'll still be around for Brooke to count on.

As for my own consistency... well, what can I say? You all deserve it; it's constant, daily visitors like you who have made the site what it is, (and who really came through for us when we needed you) and I'm glad to have been able to provide something for you to look at on a daily basis, no matter how small or trifling.

The poem I won't comment on except to say I do appreciate it (although I don't think you'll be replacing T.S. Eliot in anybody's college cirriculum anytime soon ;). (And I'd like to point out, for the record, that the above is only the second time I've used an emoticon in this column. That was on Andrew Vestal's request, and it's been a great policy - it's surprising how it changes your writing, not to be able to fall back on a quick symbol here and there - but I figured it was only appropriate to bookend my term with another quick wink.)

The server stuff bears mentioning though: I was strongly considering dropping out of this job in June, just after E3, mostly for the same reasons as now. But I decided to stay on a bit longer because even back then the site wasn't in the best of financial shape, and if we did end up folding by the end of July (as seemed a distinct possibility) I wanted to be around to send the column off properly. No point in getting a new DA in position if they'd only be able to write the column for a month before having to give it up.

As it is, this server crash has turned out to be far more silver lining than cloud: not only have we gained a new lease on life, we've seen it proved a dozen times over how important the site is to you guys, and seen support come in at levels we'd never thought possible from people we would never have dreamed it would come from. I can say without hesitation that every single person at the GIA extends their deepest thanks to everyone who donated, as do I for one additional reason: you've given me the freedom to walk away from the column, without having to worry that it won't survive long after my departure. In comparison, Quest 64 and Granstream Saga seem a small price to pay.

Still, I'm glad it's not me who'll be in that moogle suit...

"He stared at it for some time as things began slowly to reassemble themselves in his mind. He wondered what he should do, but he only wondered it idly. Around him people were beginning to rush and shout a lot, but it was suddenly very clear to him that there was nothing to be done, not now or ever. Through the new strangeness of noise and light he could just make out the shape of Ford Prefect sitting back and laughing wildly.

A tremendous feeling of peace came over him. He knew that at last, for once and forever, it was now all, finally, over."

-Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Evaluation: Peace and acceptance are good, the massively depressing aspects of the context of that scene (and of who wrote it, given recent history) are not. Jeez, I might as well go with "Bang." from Cowboy Bebop.

Amazing as it is, after all these years there are still a fair number of people who read the column, but don't write into it. It's kind of difficult to say who those people are since, of course, they don't write in, but the ratio of writers to readers could be 1:10, or even higher. And like just about everyone else I've gotten letters from so far, it's an honor to get this kind of letter from you today. Even if you've never written in before, and may never write in again, I hope you've enjoyed the past year or so, and I hope you'll continue to stick around.

Ironically enough, the server crash and associated aftermath has pretty much masked my own exit from the column... and I'm not sure I don't prefer it that way. When Brooke starts, she'll be starting with a fairly clean break from what's gone before, and I'll have a similar crash course in my new job, Vault writing. Out with the old, in with the new, etc.

And you guys just never understood my genius... it wasn't in causing imaginary paranoid conspiracies about the server crash, but rather in making sure fate would spite me (and benefit you) by proving everything I ever wrote about games in the DA FAQ wrong. So enjoy Hoshigami, FF4 and Chrono Trigger, and know that it's because of my dumbass predictions that you got them.

Milo:"Sez here the Russians have agreed to take Chris Jones into space next year."
Portnoy:"Chris Jones? In space? That's wonderful! That's news we can all be joyful in hearing! That's..."
Portnoy:"..."
Portnoy:"You don't s'pose they're gonna bring him back, do you?"

-Bloom County by Berke Breathed, slight paraphrase.

Evaluation: Better, and I like how it gets at the likelihood of me coming back (i.e., not bloody likely in any kind of permanent way). Still, not really what I had in mind.

What's really scary, though, is not the number of Chrises associated with this column, but the first initials of the people we've had doing it - Allan, Drew, Chris, and now Brooke - ADCB. By that logic, the next columnist after Brooke will probably be an E, F, or G, so anybody with those initials might want to start working on their resumes...

Aside from the "productive" crack, just about everything about this letter resonates strongly with me, because what's described here is the column I've been trying to write, even if I wasn't always successful.

Getting up on a soap box for a second, one of the reasons I've always been proud to be associated with this site is that it's around for the long haul; you don't have to be a hard core fan of games (but you can be), you don't have to maintain a constant interest in games as a hobby (although you can do that too), you don't even have to like the kind of games we cover, but you should always know that the GIA as a site will be there as long as it can, providing games and gamers with the kind of intelligent coverage they deserve. And if I've helped add to that reputation, or even just helped to maintain it, then my time here has been worthwhile. Thanks much for the praise, Mr. Freeman.

Crash:"You know, there might be an opening for a manager in Visalia next spring. Think I could make it to the Show as a manager?"
Annie:"You'd be great... you'd be great. I mean, because you understand about nonlinear thinking and baseball seems like a linear game with all those lines and the box scores, but it's really got a spacious, non-time kind of time to it..."
Crash:"Annie."
Annie:"What?"
Crash:"I got a lot of time to hear your theories, and I want to hear every damn one of them. But now I'm tired and I don't want to think about baseball, and I don't want to think about quantum physics and I don't want to think about nothing. I just... I just want to be."
Annie:"I can do that, too."

-Kevin Costner and Susan Sarandon, Bull Durham

Evaluation: Great ending scene, especially if you replaced baseball with video games and Crash and Annie with me and... someone who shall remain nameless for now. Still, that's how my personal story will probably work out, not what I want to say about the column. The search continues...

Don't worry yourself about it too much. You've got several big factors in your favor; your writing style will be a nice change of pace from mine after all these years of plodding "are games art or not" conversations, and you've got a fresh enthusiasm for the job that I've been perhaps missing too much as of late. As for the rest of it, you'll learn, especially by hanging out with the rest of the staff at a site like this.

And now that I've given you my full and unequivocal support, it's sink or swim time. Have fun!

Out of all the reasons I'm glad to have had this job, Jemmy's at the top of the list. How many guys get to figuratively ride off into the sunset with a princess, and what more is there to say?

Closing Comments:

Well, that's about it for me. Much thanks to the GIA staff for putting up with me this long and picking up with me in the first place, thanks to all the writers over the years who have sent in letters (there's no column without you guys) and finally, thanks to the site's readers, who paid back every bit of work I ever put into this column, and then some. It's been an honor and a privilege working with/for all of you.

One last reminder: email Brooke for tomorrow... and beyond that, I don't have all that much to do with this column anymore. I'll be sticking around the site for a good while longer doing vaults and reviews, starting with Quest 64 and Granstream Saga; you can still reach me at cjones@thegia.com, if the urge strikes you. And that really and truly is all I've got to say. Goodbye, take it easy, and adios, my friends.

-Chris Jones, signing off with the words of Thomas Pynchon:

"...he at last began, even out scuffling every day, to relax some, to understand that this had been the place to bring himself after all, that for a few years anyway, he must have chosen right for a change, that time he'd come through the slides and the storms to put in here, to harbor in Vineland, Vineland the Good."