Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Chris on Drew action - HOT!!! Don't say we didn't warn you.

What rough beast lurches its way towards E3, waiting to be borne? Oh right, it's this mutant hybrid of a column by myself and Drew. Should be interesting. I'll save most of the E3 comments for the column, but Drew had to get something off his chest:

I just want to take this spot to make something clear before you're all mislead by the mainstream press: the general response to the X-box showing has not been good. I want to say this because, sadly, "lifestyle magazines" such as Maxim, with a far wider reader base than the average gaming publication, keep ruining it for everyone who takes gaming seriously. They show up to the show the first day to write a story along the lines of "[insert new piece of technology here] ROCKS, man! The graphics were so COOL. Plus the booth babes had great tits!" And then the truly innovative titles are left unmentioned.

Last year, nearly every gamer at the show agreed that the Sega booth had far and away the best assortment of fun, creative games. Unfortunately, magazines like Time showed up and wrote articles talking about how the PS2 was so great, they would french kiss the consoles if they weren't behind that damned glass. Props definitely not being placed where they belong. So I just want to say this now: the only way the X-box could have been less popular with show-going gamers is if Microsoft reps handed out complimentary satchels full of human poop with a hand-woven "fuck you" on the front flap to media. (And the worst part is, we would have taken it. Hey, it's swag, man.)

Onward.

And you know what's great about that "onward?" There's no way you'll ever figure out who wrote it. Was it Chris? Was it Drew? You'll never know, you limey bastards!

At least even if this column sucks for you people, it will be fun for us.

There was nothing at Square besides FFX, FF Chronicles, and Kingdom Hearts, which wasn't playable and had no gameplay video. That's all - no FFXI, no secret new projects we're not telling you about, nothing. Drew?

When I'm being condescending, I don't want it to serve any specific purpose, thank you. Sure, when I'm totally patronizing and sarcastic to someone because of their stupid, incorrect "opinion," it can be argued that it serves a purpose: I'm making someone feel like an idiot over gaming minutiae. However, that's just because I enjoy being an ass; anything that may result is just a side bonus. Jesus?

Yes, they try extra-hard to disguise their repulsion to the idea of yet another creepy gaming dork wrapping his arms around their waists for a picture. For what it's worth, though, I do my best not to look at them with the eye on my shoulder, so we're all suffering to some extent.

Chris sez: Insofar as I've been near booth babes, they've all come on to me unstoppably, attracted by my bitchin' GIA t-shirt and poor complexion. Drew just doesn't understand that, as far was women are concerned, there are creepy gaming dorks and then there are creepy gaming dorks.

Jesus: all I have to say is that the Lei Fang and Tina look-alikes at Tecmo's booth gave this religious figure a righteous hard-on. Good thing I was wearing a loose-fitting robe.

Jesus: Oh... my... GOD! You just do not even understand. Microsoft was all "hey, look at our X-box" but the media was all "as IF." It was so hilarious.

Drew: I'd like to make fun of you for your ill-mannered swipe at our decision to host this column together, but frankly I'm impressed by your perception and well-placed sarcasm. Sure, maybe this idea is lame, but the thing is that Chris and I are actually, physically in one another's presence, which only happens once a year, so what the hell. It was either this or we sat up making shadow puppets and blowing kisses at each other again, and I seriously need to get some sleep tonight.

Chris: Drew and I are writing the column together... not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jesus: You two queers are SO going to Hell.

It's difficult to imagine a more mismatched pairing than Mickey Mouse and Yoshitaka Amano... somewhow a pale, consumptive morphine addict anthropomorphic mouse just doesn't work for me.

Drew: If Amano did the sketches, you wouldn't be able to tell if it was Mickey Mouse or a pile of sheets with a pair of dinner plates sticking out of the top.

Jesus: Forget your stupid letter, dork. I have something else I want to talk about. Richard Riordan, the mayor of Los Angeles, actually named a recently-built library after himself. I mean, sure, everybody names their "little man," if you know what I mean, but this is like taking that about 4,000 steps further. I wonder if he congratulates people on entering the Riordanmobile upon entering his car. Does he call the doodles on his memos "Riordan originals?" I can't believe I gave my life for you people.

Jesus: Oh, is the Son of God not good enough for you? Why don't you just eat me, you self-infatuated prick.

Closing Comments:

Well, this was a lot of fun. Thanks to Drew for his help, and many thanks to the son of God for stopping by - you ROCK, dude! Nich will be covering for a while, so send him tons of email. Later, folks.

-Chris Jones and Drew Cosner, hellbound