Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. "Magic Pig Detective" is the best song title ever. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Sometimes I wish I had a robot. If I had a robot, he would write columns for me, do my homework, and give my piggyback rides to class the days that I did feel like going. Plus, he would be a really smooth robot that would go hit on women all classy-like, then give them my number since he's just a robot. In general, life would just be better if mankind made a race of robots and completely surrendered ourselves to them in exchange for having them do our dirty work for us.

For example, if I had a robot, he would've written this intro, and it would have doubtlessly been all the better for it.

I could swear I remember reading an interview with Sakaguchi where he said he picked Uematsu since he was a friend who happened to know how to play piano pretty well. Of course, my memory may be faulty, so if you happen to know of another story, feel free to email Chris otherwise.

Yeah, I walked into Best Buy the other week, and there was Ogre Battle 64 selling for 20 bucks. I was pretty surprised, and almost bought it, until I remembered how much I dislike strategy RPGs. Admittedly, that wouldn't have been the first time I'd bought a game I'd never play simply because it was cheap, but I've finally learned to be marginally more thrifty of late.

Of course, what's even worse is that I felt moral pangs in not purchasing it: after all, here they took the risk of releasing an RPG for the N64, and instead of supporting the decision, I wouldn't even buy the game when it was priced to move. Once again I've become part of the problem rather than the solution. Between that and posting a Zero Wing link last week, I deserve to be stoned to death by better gamers out there.

A lot of people are apparently really excited about this Chrono Trigger remake. In a way I understand it, since Chrono Trigger was a lot of fun, and being able to play through it with the promise of stumbling across the added plot details (so it would coincide better with Chrono Cross) and a few new clips is not without its draw. Then again, I already read about the new bits of information and downloaded the movies, so spending 50 bucks on it if it were released in America kind of seems like a waste. There I go being overly thrifty again, I suppose.

Because, quite frankly, that would be butchering the game. While you may not have liked the plotline, altering it to that extent would undermine the initial integrity and undoubtedly change the original intent. Everyone you talked to would have their own ideas as to how the story could have been better or worse, and trying to change the plot to please one section of gamers is ridiculous. It's like adding a ninja fight scene to Hamlet because a few action fans thought that would make it better.

Besides, with that kind of effort, Square is far better off putting together a new game. I think you overestimate not only how many people had complaints about FFVIII's pacing but also how many people even care enough to analyze the game's plot to that extent.

Well, no reason to argue here. I can't imagine too many people want to pay as much for a remake as they would for a brand-new game, so I guess I'll just move along. I could admit that I just have nothing interesting to say today, but instead I'll blame it on you and say your letter isn't nearly imflammatory enough for my tastes. So there.

I'm appalled, Kandrin. My journalistic and moral integrity would never allow me to take such an easy out on my readers. Why don't you come back when you've got some worthy suggestions?

I'm appalled, Kandrin. My journalistic and moral integrity would never allow me to take such an easy out on my readers. Why don't you come back when you've got some worthy suggestions?

I'm appalled, Kandrin. My journalistic and moral integrity would never allow me to take such an easy out on my readers. Why don't you come back when you've got some worthy suggestions?

I'm appalled, Kandrin. My journalistic and moral integrity would never allow me to take such an easy out on my readers. Why don't you come back when you've got some worthy suggestions?

Closing comments:

Well, I think I've done my job as the weekend guy in spades these past two days. Namely, I've made you really thankful for Chris's return come tomorrow. I think I can get back to the daily grind with a full sense of satisfaction now, don't you?

But just to give you guys something to mail Chris about, here's a little topic for you: looking at this, supposedly Metroid for the GameCube will be primarily first-person, employing a third-person view at key points. How do you suppose Retro Studios is going to handle that? I admit it's not exactly the kind of topic that causes a strong opinion to bubble forth from the darkest corners of your mind, but it's something. So go, write.

-Drew Cosner, offering salvation... for a price