TOP TEN LEAST SUCCESSFUL VIDEO GAME MARKETING CAMPAIGNS

10. Soundtrack CD containing absolutely none of the songs voted for. (Final Fantasy Anthology)

9. "Your game console is planning to kill you." (Sega Dreamcast)

8. Sofia wants you to bark like a dog. (Battle Arena Toshinden)

7. Promoting a game's intricate storyline and sophisticated gameplay with a television commercial of a guy on a pogo stick. (Metal Gear Solid)

6. Helping consumers make intelligent purchasing decisions by offering the demo discs of games they've just paid for. (Lunar: SSSC)

5. "Hey! Let's remove all mention of hell in the game and then market with a sexually suggestive ad campaign! It's perfect for kids!" (Um Jammer Lammy)

4. Action-packed "Summer of Adventure" involves listening to five-track CDs over and over and being laughed at for wearing Squaresoft backpack. (Legend of Mana/Threads of Fate/Chrono Cross)

3. Putrid pull-out scratch-'n-sniff that make the entire magazine smell bad and have nothing to do with the game in the first place. (Earthbound)

2. "Improved DVD drivers." 'Nuff said. (PlayStation 2)

1. Looping FMV of VIVI mooning the audience while crappy pop song plays in background. (Final Fantasy IX)

Thank you, and goodnight.

Fritz Fraundorf

Hey there,

I think I know why Square is only sorta advertising FF9. I think that it's the same reason why they've returned to the fantasy settings, and Amano Yoshitaka. They're trying to appeal to the people who grew up on it. I know that Square is seeming more and more evil world domination heartless corporation now, and maybe they've noticed that too. And maybe they've realized that the old school former loyalists are leaving them now, and this is their attempt at getting them back. The lack of marketing would be an attempt at "slipping it past" the MTV crowd, and thus appealling to us more, because most of us who grew up solely on FF1, 4 and 6 spent most of middle school with walls of hatred between us and such people. So this is really their most effective marketing ever, not as many sales, but they're succeeding at what they wish to do with it. Cheap bastards, this is both the sneakiest and most honest marketing I've ever seen. FF9 is like someone asked me to be the project director, I haven't seen a single thing I don't want to see in an FF, and I'm also a Coca-Cola addict.

Gilbert

Sup AK,

So I was checking out the news this evening, and the character details for FFIX were up. I was filled wit joy as I read: "...Zidane is 'not a jerk, like Squall'--overall, Zidane is an optimistic kid. He constantly cheers on his teammates and does his best to keep their morale high."

Thank GOD! I wasn't sure if I could take another of Square's cliched emotionally unstable/detached/annoyed-at-the-push-of-a-button "heroes" for a party leader! I mean, Cloud was tolerable, and Squall got on my nerves, but Kazuki (FM3) just plain pissed me off! Amen is all I can say.

Oh, and if you're still looking for more of "America's Stupidest Gamers", I have a couple of em:

1) While playing FFT, it wasn't until I was well into chapter 2 that I realized how to get the menu to change jobs, etc. by pressing triangle.

2) I'm playing Vagrant Story now (who isn't?), and I am about halfway into the game, and I just now realized that, if you store equiptment in a chest, you can retrieve it from ANY OTHER storage chest in the game. Silly me thought, "Why would I store a weapon in this container if I need it later on, and I'll have to backtrack for God-knows how long?"

Rydel, who is running like a trained dog towards the TV at the sound of The Simpsons theme...

Hey AK,

How come the site has 2 addresses? You know, thegia.com and gaming-intelligence.com. I personally like the second one better, but that one seems to be updated later in the day or less frequently with the news stories. What's up with that?

-Mikey B.

Dear AK

Im stationed in Spain so the Sports we see are usually a day late, I just saw game three this morning. I share in your sadnees over the Dallas loss. Even though New Jersey avenged the Penguins for me, I still want to see Dallas take them down and go home with the cup again. I feel your pain.

The only hockey fan in Spain.

AK,

After beating the Avs, in seven games again, off of a bunch of VERY lucky bounces, your precious Stars can all go jump off a cliff, nevermind loose game three. And if they don't jump off said cliff, I'm sure I can make some "arrangements".

Bitter, Justin Freeman

Hey AK,

I was the one that wrote the letter about the R and G are Dead movie. And you are very correct that much of the humor is based upon the fact that both characters are indicernable. In fact, they don't know which of them is which. I don't think ANYBODY can tell you which character Tim Roth played and which Gary Oldman played. All I know is that the play (haven't seen it, just read it) and the movie a really cool.

And Chris mentioned something about the Shakespearian theme going, and yea, I caught it, but I thought that "Romeo Guildenstern" has to be THE lamest name in gaming history. Guildenstern was never meant to have a first name. Nor was Rosencrantz (he was given one in the game, but it doesn't say it until the credits). But that doesn't take anything away from the totally kick ass game that is Vagrant Story. :)

Lee

dammit! silly double agent! rosencrantz and guildenstern are quite thoroughly NOT the same character (at least in the play and movie!) im not going to get all technical and boring about it, but suffice to say it's been one of my favorite plays since i was six years old, and i've read it, performed it, and seen manymany performances as well as the movie...and they're veryvery different. i dont know about vagrant story, though-and unfortunately i'm a bit too broke at the moment to find out...

-del