My life for Aiur-Ida Potatoes! - May 26, 2000 - Chris
Jones
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of
the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There
is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. It's never pretty when out-of-work Protoss are forced into the private sector. Don't say we didn't warn you.
FF 9 is starting to sound pretty damn cool, but I won't go any further out of respect for
those of you trying to avoid advance info.
Which leaves me with little to talk about but this Ashley Riot vs. Solid Snake contest.
As a GIA staff member, I can't vote myself, but I can still make my opinion known here.
And while I don't mean to dis bossman Vestal, I gotta say Snake's the clear choice here.
Make no mistake, Ashley's quite the badass. If it was a straight out fight between the
two, I'd take Mr. Riot's endless chain attacks and defensive abilities over Snake's
semi-automatic weapons and ever-present cigs any day. Ashley's got meaningful reasons for
acting like a total hardass, where Snake seems to be overly taciturn just for the hell of
it. And there's no possible doubt that Ashley's got the far more attractive partner.
Still, Snake has one overwhelming factor in his favor - age. Snake's been a
world-beating stone cold secret agent man for over a decade now, kicking all kinds of butt
everywhere you can possibly imagine on nearly any system you can possibly imagine.
Ashley's done very well in his first title, but has yet to show Snake's staying power.
Nich also hit the nail on the head with his comment on Ashley's name. Had people actually
called Ashley "Ash", things would be different, but as it is the first name
needs work. So vote for Snake this election day, because the fate of the world could
depend on it.
Onward.
| My (non) mistake of the day |
| "The GBC is a considerably more powerful platform than the original
Game Boy". That statement is completely, and utterly false, I'm sorry to say. The
only thing the GBC has over its predecessor, apart from the never-used infared port, is a
new color-capable LCD screen. The game cartridges themselves, apart from a few lines of
code that tell the GBC what colors go where, are EXACTLY the same, as is the internal
hardware of the unit. If it it weren't for developers going out of their way to prevent
it, GBC carts would work perfectly on the original system. This is obviously Nintendo's
doing, because if all the new games worked on the same outdated system they've been
pitching for 10 years, no one would buy the new color version. This is almost off-topic
for what I am about to say, but it just bugs me when people call the GBC a new format,
which it is definitely not. If a new SNES was released that allowed you to play new games
in Dolby Digital surround sound, would you call it a new console? I think not. Anyway....
The Game Boy MP3 player, the "Song Boy" (SB), could actually be a great
product. The speaker on the GB, is, after all, just a speaker, so if the SB could somehow
bypass the GB's sound processor, it'd sound great. I don't know much about how the unit
actually works, so this could be either very hard or very easy. In any case, it doesn't
matter. There's a headphone jack on the SB itself. You'll remember that other portable MP3
players, Walkmans and Discmans don't have speakers, and why would they? If you already
have a Game Boy Color, the Song Boy is a MUCH cheaper solution than buying another MP3
player, such as the Rio or the Lyra.
Basically, it could turn out to really suck, but if it is a good product, it's good
(cheap) news to Napster pirates everywhere.
~Alex M. |
I admit it, I screwed up. I said that the GBC was more advanced than the original Game
Boy based on some half-remembered Peter Main interviews, and without checking the actual
specs out. This could have burned me pretty bad, but fortunately, this time, it didn't.
The vast majority of sources on the net seem to concur that the GBC has two advantages
over the original besides a color screen: 4 times the RAM and a processor that runs at
least twice as fast. It's not a quantum leap for the hardware, but it is significant.
And yeah, there's nothing to say that an MP3 add on to the GBC couldn't be great,
providing enough external hardware was added to the base unit. But add enough stuff and
what's the point of basing this off the Game Boy rather than a stand-alone product, except
for the marketing leverage you get from the exiting GBC user base?
I'd tend to stay away from such a product at any rate, if for no other reason than the
fact that Lars Ulrich scares me.
| I've got a picture, you've got a photograph |
| Please allow me to qualify the "Final Fantasy felt different two
games ago," remark. No, I didn't make the claim, but I do agree. But first, a
jolly disclaimer! I am in no way claiming that either format is better. Merely different.
I noticed this when I sat down with Final Fantasy V for the first time last October.
Immediately, it was familiar and comfortable, though the game was new to me - and I was
struck by how unlike Final Fantasy VIII it was (having finished FFVIII about 3 weeks
prior, it was fresh in my mind). But the reasons are actually pretty simple, if elusive...
while the play mechanics are generally similar (besides the obvious magic/armor system
differences) battle and exploration really are different between the 16-bit and 32-bit
FFs.
Battle is much, much faster in FFV/FFVI... that's due in large part to the fact that
animations on the SNES were simple affairs. Character steps out, makes some vague motions,
numbers pop up, and the combatant steps back into place. Two seconds, max. In FFVIII,
Squall runs over to the enemy, goes through the motion of lifting his Gunblade overhead,
swinging it overhand to strike, the enemy recoils as numbers pop up, and Squall leaps back
into place. Everything is more detailed and beautiful in 32 bits... and more sluggish as
well. (And it's not the move to 3D but simply the increased animation that does it.) And
then there's the 3-character party thing... but we have FFIX to remedy that.
Traveling through towns and dungeons is different as well... there are no more passages
hidden by virtue of the pseudo-overhead tiled perspective. Instead, there are areas
obscured by failure of the prerendered scenery to provide clear paths. NPCs don't always
doggedly pace across a 4-tile swatch of land ad infinitum.
And even the menu screens are different - they're in higher resolution, which makes
them look and feel rather unlike the clunky SNES screens of yore.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. You don't have to use your imagination to envision major plot
events anymore.
So basically, things feel different thanks to the increased detail provided by better
technology (or worse technology... mmm, mmm, loading time). Newer FF games are still
undeniably FF games, but the little details nibble at the back of perception and offer the
reminder that yeah, you're not playing FFVI. I suppose there are some people for whom that
ruins the game, but I'm not that anal... change is inevitable. Sometimes, it's even good.
But in any case, it's definitely there.
Your Chronicler of Minutiae,
J. Parish |
Dammit, Parish, you can't give me that much detail without taking a stand on the issue
that I can jingoistically defend or cynically deconstruct! Ah well...
Fortunately Mr. Parish has gone and brought out the probable core of contention here:
"You don't have to use your imagination to envision major plot events anymore."
And not just major events, but the plethora of minutiae a willing participant brought to
an early RPG. Believe it or not, I do remember what playing an SNES title was like: you
weren't watching a 32x32 pixel character move through a generic corridor of mountain
tiles, you were walking with Cecil as he forged his way through the rugged wilderness
(helpfully detailed in the battle backdrops), menaced by all manner of fantastic beasts,
fighting for the fate of the world. Towns, castles, caves, dungeons were all far more than
the crude 16-bit graphics could ever suggest to an outsider. It was paradise.
Then FF7 came along, and it stopped being your imagination that was running the show,
and started being the imagination of some putz with an Indy workstation, carefully
detailing every nook and cranny of a specific location. It didn't matter that the
renderings were sometimes far beyond what you might have envisioned, the point was it
wasn't how you would have done it. And that's a sin against suspension of disbelief,
the core of any narrative experience. It's the same rage that I felt when I saw something
like Johnny Mnemonic, and wondered how the characters I saw in my head could have
been debased into what was on the screen. Not bad, necessarily (tho it was bad), but not
mine either.
To which I can only say: I don't think we're in Narshe anymore, Toto. If I'm right
about the hypothesis above, those of you yearning for a return to an "old
school", "true role-playing experience" are, to put it bluntly, fucked. No
sane developer's going to cater to a small group of traditionalists when they can make
millions peddling photo-realism to the masses. And I don't think this is a bad thing -
games are supposed to be about challenge, for your reflexes or your mind. Lately games
have moved to include deep plots, and that's ok too. But games briefly providing a mostly
blank canvas for you to draw your own little world on was just an accident of history.
There are other places for you to get that tabla rasa fix, but I don't think the next
generation consoles are going to be among them. My sincere condolences. No, really.
End of rant.
| Can't eat, clowns'll sleep me |
| Chris Do you really think its a coincidence that you've came down with
a fecer right when I became your Arch Nemesis? Perhaps you'd better rethink where you get
your food...wouldn't want to let anything slip in!
Arch Nemesis,
Justin Freeman |
I did have just that thought while tossing in a fever dream the other night, but
rejected it as too paranoid. Thus you prove yourself a worthy adversary once again, Mr.
Freeman - you know you've joined the big leagues when you start playing with bio warfare.
Good job sir, I salute you!
| Requiem |
| While I know you guys cover console games, the recent mentions of System
Shock 2 impel me to give you this sad news. Looking Glass Studios, creators of Terra Nova,
Thief 1 & 2, and System Shock 1 & 2, has closed. *sniffle* Thief 2 is their last
game... May their former employees create many great games in the years to come.
LGS, rest in peace.
-Heschi |
The GIA as a whole is a console site, so you won't see this covered in the news.
Although I'm not a PC game player, I'm familiar enough with the culture to know that
something important was lost when LGS disintegrated, something worth mentioning here. The
above titles are each excellent games, well worth playing not only for their high quality
but for their original takes on game development. I suspect the console world as a whole
will mourn Looking Glass once it plays System Shock 2 on the Dreamcast and realizes there
will be nothing else like it forthcoming, but for now it's worth mentioning here.
SHODAN is dead, long live SHODAN.
Note: it has come to my attention that Irrational Games developed SS2, not Looking Glass. My apologies.
| Once more, I'm trotting out the fever excuse
to justify extreme length |
| *transmission from undisclosed location...received* *a dashingly
handsome man appears on the screen*
Yes, I have finally returned from my secret ops mission "AN Award Stake Out".
If you haven't figured it out by now, I am the ever elusive...Agent X. What Chris showed
you, up until the Arch Nemesis award itself, was true. Everything after Britney Spears (it
was even more horrible if you were actually there) was a complete farce!
This is what really happened the night of the Arch Nemesis awards. Please do not alert
Chris to my knowledge of these happenings. If you do so, I will have to kill you. Let us
proceed:
*the announcer's voice booms over the loud speakers*
Announcer: And here is Chris Jones, to present the award for the greatest portrayal of
an Arch Nemesis on a nighttime Double Agent letters column.
*Chris enters with a cheap tux and a box under his arm*
Chris: Thank you, thank you. I have to say that you've been a great audience.
*a few evil cackles pass the lips of the crowd, but no cheers*
Chris: *ahem* Anyway, this is the moment you have all been waiting for. And the winner
is...drumroll please.
*silence*
Chris: I said...drumroll please.
Drummer: *under his breath* You ain't paying me enough ya cheap mutha...
Chris: DRUMROLL!
*a light drumroll begins to play*
Chris: Thank you. And the winner is...Justin Freeman.
*boos escape from the crowd...along with a few death threats*
*Justin walks up to receive his award, dodging cans and glass bottles on his way there*
Chris: Congratulations.
*Justin grabs the box from Chris, wearing an evil snare on his face*
Justin: Thank you for your gracious response ya pieces of horse crap! I hate every
single one of you! But I hate you, Chris, most of all!
*Chris has a stupid grin on his face, oblivious to the abuse he is receiving*
Justin: As my first act of...
*a figure shrouded in a dark cloth sweeps across the stage and grabs the box from
Justin*
Figure: This shirt is mine BITCH!
*he whips of the cloak to reveal himself as...Ian P.*
Ian P.: I told you I would get this shirt! And there's no way you can stop me!
*they circle around each other, getting ready for the final battle*
*just as they're about to fight, someone jumps up on the stage*
Soval the Agent: That shirt is mine!
*yet another person leaps up from their seat*
Link's Shadow: That shirt doth be mine! I shall send you to the eternal pits...
Drummer: Shut the hell up and give me the shirt!
*the drummer reveals himself to be...CTZanderman*
Ian P.: I'll take you all on! Come get...
*BOOM*
*a huge robot crashes through the back of the stage, with Microsoft Emperor Gates at
the helm*
Robot Voice: GIVE ME THE SHIRT OR I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE THE INSIGNIFICANT ANTS THAT YOU
ARE!
Ian P.: Oh for the love of...how many of you came here just to steal the shirt?
*everyone in the building, except for Princess Jemmy, raise their hands*
Ian P.: Well then, who the hell is going to get it?!
Announcer: I am.
*a man by the name of Drew Cosner steps out of the announcer's booth*
*everyone in the crowd immediately falls to the ground*
Drew: You are all to kind.
*Drew walks onto the stage and up to a kneeling Ian P.*
Drew: Give me the shirt.
*Ian P. reluctantly gives Drew the box*
Ian P.: But why, master? Why take this one when you already have a shirt?
Drew: Why have one when you can have two?
*Drew opens the box*
Drew: It's empty! Who could...
*he points his finger at Chris*
Drew: It was you!
*Chris slowly backs away, holding his arms up*
Drew: Get him.
Chris: This is the last time that I invite hundreds of people who hate me to a small
building, offer them something that they would kill for, and then steal it myself...
Well, that's all I got to see. The security guard spotted me in the rafters, so I had
to make a quick exit. This series of events brings up a couple of questions: how the hell
did Chris get out of that alive and, more importantly, how did Drew impersonate a woman's
cool, pseudo-synthesized voice? I guess that...
*YOU'VE GOT MAIL*
Hold on for a sec. Hmmm...Ian P. sent me something. It says:
[Goodbye]
What the f...
*a loud explosion rocks the place where Agent X is*
Oh shi...it's Chris! I'll get you for this Ian P.!! Mark my words!!
*huge explosions and gunfire are heard in the background*
Until next time, fellow agents, this is Agent X signing off.
*Agent X brings out a huge gun and dashes off screen*
-Agent X "I've got to find a new profession"
*screen goes dark...end transmission* |
I liked this, meant to print it yesterday, but didn't get around to it.
What puzzles me is that everyone would place such an emphasis on getting a GIA shirt. I
mean, they're cool and all, but it's not like you all know about the magical superpowers
wearing one gives you... oops. Never mind.
And I may ease up on the Arch Nemesis references in the future - not that it hasn't
been fun, but it's degenerated into the same old, usual suspects trying to feed me my
liver. Justin Freeman has earned his position, but I think it's time for an entirely new
group of suspects to try and feed me my liver.
| An intriguing suggestion |
| I think it'd be cool if the second Silent Hill was played through the
female cop's (forgot her name :p) point of view... Just a thought.
Adieu,
--Tobias |
An excellent idea. Such a solution would provide further narrative closure and a solid
thematic connection with the original game. The only problem would be a possible lack of
suspense, since you already know what happens to the characters involved. Then again,
there's plenty of slack in the plot to rearrange things so you only think you
know what happened at the end of the first title.
| Ok, you've had enough |
| "If it's real, it's quantifiable" what makes you say that?
that's almost like saying only the tangible exists. AL |
When the conversation starts turning to the metaphysical validity of empirical
objectivism as a worldview, it's time for last call. Good night, everybody!
Closing Comments:
Three day weekend, but I'll be back Monday. Enjoy the unofficial kickoff of summer in
whatever manner you deem fit, and drop AK a line while you're at it. Sayonara.
-Chris Jones, buys only Kerrigan-endorsed hair care products |
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