Stranger than you can imagine - April 10th, 2000 - Chris
Jones
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of
the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There
is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. New York fall down, go boom.
Don't say we didn't warn you.
First off, here's hoping AK gets over that concussion real quick. I had me one of those
once, and they're not the nonstop pool party they're reputed to be. Plus, I don't feel
right stealing from a sick man's bank account, so hurry up and get better dude!
As for AK's attempt at revenge re: REM, well, I guess it was a good try, in theory. I
can understand why it might have seemed amusing at the time, but the ironic thing is, AK
has no idea how near and yet, how far off he was. Folks, I've got some good news and some
bad news. The good news is, fear not, I hate N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys as much as
anyone possibly can. I fear and despise nearly all forms of pop music, so rest easy
on that account.
The bad news? I do in fact enjoy a musical style far, far beyond the acceptable limits
of good taste, not just for anyone under 20, but for anyone under 60. You see, I enjoy the
upbeat tempo of one... Lawrence Welk.
[Chris waits patiently while everyone goes to Yahoo! and looks the name up.]
Yes, I admit it. I voluntarily tune in to PBS reruns of the Lawrence Welk show. In my
defense, I don't actually like Mr. Welk and his wacky band's hard core polka jams, quite
the opposite. Rather, I like to view the horror and carnage that unfolds every time Welk
and his crew get funky with their bad selves. You don't know the terrifying, evil
attraction of seeing four people wearing a combined total 80 pounds of makeup and
hairspray butcher "Let it Be" in an earnest gospel style. It's like Jerry
Springer, but on the complete opposite of the wholesomeness spectrum. I stare at the
horror, and it makes me appreciate good music all the more - you have no idea how cool
Garbage sounds after a peppy polka.
And now you know the rest of the story. I only hope you can forgive me for my tasteless
transgression - I assure you, it will never affect my performance in this job. There's not
a lot of letters today, but I'm sure you want to hurry though this column anyway, to try
and put my terrible secret far behind you. Onward.
| In the end, there can be only one |
| Okay, Chris, you must settle this. A friend and I have been arguing as of
late who is more cracktastic: Vibri from Vib Ribbon or Mr. Monkey (as he has no name, I'll
just call him that) from Samba De Amigo. On my friend's argument, he says Vibri is more
cracktastic because he is a talking rabbit (or something) made of just lines, has bug
eyes, sings instructions, and lives on a horizontal plane with obstacles created by music
CDs. I say Mr. Monkey is more cracktastic because he is a monkey who wears Mexican
attire, he dances, and he plays the maracas. Not only that, but his companions are giant
pink and blue bears that have the number 38 on the drums they carry around, some leopard
guys in brown suits and cowboy hats, some butterfly lady with substantially sized breasts,
and some leopard lady with a trumpet in a skin-tight jumpsuit. Last, and perhaps the most
important point of my argument, Mr. Monkey always has that large, psychotic grin on his
face. He isn't emotionally stable, I tell you! Vibri is obviously used to his environment
and his current state of existence. The monkey is not! He looks like he needs some time
off in a mental ward.
But, anyway, no matter how elaborate my argument has been (as you can see above) my
friend is not convinced. You must decide once and for all, mighty Chris. If you say Vibri,
you will crush my ego forever and make me very unhappy. If you say Mr. Monkey, I will
rejoice, and be happy. Make the right decision, Chris.
-Keiichi522 |
Well, I gotta say Mr. Monkey sounds pretty fucked up. And from my confession above, you
know I know what of I speak. But a quick poll of the rest of the staff reveals the truth -
there is only one truly cracktastic musical animal mascot, and that is Vibri. Vibri is the
ultimate singing crack rabbit, he defines the genre. No matter what depths of depravity
future characters might go to, they will never, can never reach the level of pure
strangeness that Vibri embodies. I'm sorry, but your friend sees the truth. I can only
hope that you will as well, someday.
| Mercy for the dim |
| First off, I am an idiot. Have pity. I just realized something. 10 and
11 are being released about 4-5 months apart in Japan. It takes about 6 months for Square
to decently translate a game. If 11 is being release worldwide simontaniously less than 5
months after 10 japanese release, then which will the US see first?
I relized they could make a really fast translation of it, but that doens't seem likely
considering its a Final Fantasy game.
I hope that makes sense, I'm really not able to express myself with words that well.
_Josh Russell_ |
It's possible we could see the FFs out of order, after all, FF6 came out years before
FF5 did over here. And frankly I'd just as soon see FFXI set up as an offshoot series to
the main FFs, much like FFT. But that's not likely to happen now that the game's been
officially announced, and I have faith that Square will release the titles in order over
here. After all, there's no law that says translations can't be run in parallel with
development - just because Square hasn't done it yet doesn't mean it's impossible.
| Poor, naive Ian... if only you knew the
truth... |
| AK said to mail you. I don't have anything to say though. ...
You like Boy Bands. You suck.
~Ian P. |
No, I don't like Boy Bands. I get a sick thrill out of staring at archaic Midwesterners
in stupid costumes rocking out to a polka in earnest - not even an ironic postmodern Weird
Al polka, at that. My shame knows no bounds... *sob!* Forgive me, Ian! Please, please
forgive me!
| Name that tune |
| Hi again Chris, I think it's safe to say that I'm going insane. I
desperately need your help! Since you are the most reliable source of RPG information
which I have access to, I beg you to help me. Some time ago (February 21st, 2000 at 1:38
AM to be exact) I was getting some MP3s on Napster, and I partially downloaded an mp3 of a
Final Fantasy theme, with the name "Final Fantasy theme". I couldn't get the
download started again, so I listened to the partial file I had. It is 42 seconds of Final
Fantasy-esque vocals with some very beautiful music accompanying it. It has to be one of
the greatest symphony compositions I've ever heard, and ever since that day, I've been
trying to find the complete song. I knew Drew wouldn't help me, as he had been the DA for
too long, and was already hardened by months of column writing to address any pleas of
help. I could only wait. Now you are here, and are still fresh enough to the DA to spare
some compassion to help out a poor soul. The 42 seconds of what I have are amazing, and
the partial mp3 is only 669 kb. May I please send it to you, to see if you can identify
which game it came from? Please, this is extremely important to me, and this letter is
under 500 words, (248 to be exact). Thank you in advance.
--Brian W |
First thing: MP3's are bad, m'kay? For sure it's up to you what you do on your
computer, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I'd ripped one or two of my own CDs onto my own
computer in the past. But MP3's are something I just can't get into while I'm doing this
site, so please don't send my anything in that format. The liability issues are just too
messy.
That said, I can reasonably guess the identity of the music in question - most likely
it's from the Final Fantasy Pray CD. I've only heard bits and pieces myself, and wasn't
totally blown away, but overall buzz about it is great. It's very similar to what you
describe, choral arrangements of the classic Final Fantasy tunes, very beautifully done.
Other possibilities might be FF Grand Finale, FF Celtic Moon, or FF Dear Friends, although
some of those CDs, including FF Pray, are somewhat hard to find these days.
| The iconoclast |
| I must ask... Am I the only graphics whore among you? I am the only
one who waited breathlessly for the next spectacular cutscene? The only one who cursed
Squall for being emotionally dense? The only one who refuses to play the PlayStation
version of anything because a Voodoo3 whips its ass at graphics processing?
Am I the only one who still clings helplessly to his N64? Who treasures the ergonomics
of his blue controller? Who learns the plots of games by downloading promo trailer after
intro cutscene after editorial commentary, but never really actually plays?
Am I the only one that eats his pizza by eating the toppings, then cheese, then sauce,
then crust? Who reads the nutrition labels and finds the stuff the worst for him? Am I the
only one?!!!
I feel so alone.
-That guy who really feels bad, and wishes there was something he could do, for
knocking you over in the airport with his ski bag. |
No one ever wants to hear this, but I gotta say it. Yes, it is just you. You're a
miserable, twisted freak, and nobody likes you. In a better world there would be help for
you, therapy groups, counseling, but unfortunately there is none. Perhaps playing some
true old school RPGs might be able to help you, Dragon Warrior or Final Fantasy 1 on the
NES, Final Fantasy 6 and 7th Saga on SNES, but I suspect you've already tried that. I'm
sorry son, but there's nothing that can be done. All I can suggest is for you to hide deep
in the wilderness where no human eyes will ever see you and where you can live out the
rest of your miserable, misbegotten life in peace with your N64.
| I had no choice, none at all |
| Hello again Chris, In the letters column posted on the 6th you said
that Squaresoft's Final Fantasy has improved remarkably since it came onto the
Playstation.
No offense intended, but that's a load of rubbish.
The old FF games (1-6 -- and even FF7 to a degree) were excellent. They were
masterpieces of design, gameplay and story. Definitely on par with DQ for my favorite game
series.
Final Fantasy 8 however, is by far the worst RPG I have ever played. Sure, it's
stunning in it's graphical design and FMV sequences, there's no disputing that. However,
the gameplay -- the heart of FF8 - is lacking something. It could be challenge -- FF8 is
as easy if not easier than FF Mystic Quest. It could be the extremely clinched storyline.
It could be the overwhelming amount of FMV and cut scenes. It could even be the horrid,
summon heavy fight engine.
But it is clear -- to me and many old school RPGers on the net -- that FF8 is missing
*something*, something very important. To make a reference to my previous two letters --
FF8 is missing the Final Fantasy *spirit*.
You say you play RPGs to explore and to hear a story. So do I, to a point. But newer
RPGs like FF8 *give* you a story. I could get that from a good Piers Anthony novel. That's
not why I play RPGs. I play RPGs to EXPERIENCE a story. To, for a short while, become a
part of it.
To *ROLE PLAY*.
You also said that "[a game] can't be a genre of [it's] own."
I would debate that -- but that is an editorial for another time.
Suppose you are correct -- that a game cannot be it's own genre. But DQ is not making
it's own genre. It's sticking to the original definition of RPG. It is, in my mind,
becoming a sub-genre of the modern RPG. "Old School RPG" seems to fit rather
nicely, don't you think?
But then again, it is rather pointless to argue about a game who's Japanese release is
still a month away. We, along with the rest of the RPG world, will see how well Dragon
Quest 7 is received. And I am confidant that we both will be pleasantly surprised.
Me when I see the reviews.
You when you play it for the first time.
- Mark Cantrell
The Knight in Tarnished Armor
....... feels like a Star Wars fan debating how well "Episode 2" will do. |
Well, I kinda wanted to leave this argument in the past, but I just didn't get enough
letters to do so. But this letter is the last of this debate, and I'm gonna try and answer
it with that fact in mind.
Regarding your comments on Final Fantasy 8 - while I realize it's totally possible that
you actually feel this way, I also have to wonder if there's not an element of payback
involved with what you're saying. I question the value of the latest installment in your
favorite series, you question the latest installment in mine. Turnaabout is fair play, I
suppose.
For what it's worth, all I meant by saying that the series had improved since it came
on the Playstation was that the series was technically much stronger in FF8 than FF7 -
graphically they've made huge progress. But I also think that FF8 was a great game in and
of itself, and while I don't have the nostalgic feelings for FF8 that I do for FF4, I
think it is the better game by far. And I'm simply not gonna argue the whys and wherefores
of that here and now. Suffice it to say that enough people whose opinions I respect
(myself first among the list) really like this game, and that's good enough for me,
regardless of what the "old school" RPG community thinks.
As to the "old school" classification of DQ, video games are hardly the only
place that "golden age" syndrome sets in. But the truth of the matter is nothing
survives that doesn't evolve. Things change or die, and I don't think that Dragon Quest is
gonna be an exception to that.
Ultimately the proof is in the game, and that's only a few weeks away. When it does
come out, we will come back to this, believe me. Until then, case dismissed.
| Hints from Heloise 2k |
| Since Ak is lazy, i'll tell you the secret I told him yesterday. Cheetos
taste better while you're playing Lunar.
It's true, It's true. Try it.
-Lonely Swedish |
Personally, I think Cheetos taste like Styrofoam with that dry cheese powder from
macaroni on them, so even if they did taste better it wouldn't be enough. But for the
edification of my readers, I'm passing this along.
| Only time will tell |
| I really hope Chris is reading this, not AK. First, I didn't read the
column for two days. Then, I had a really bad day. Then, I read the 4/6 column where you
dissed R.E.M., the unquestionable gods of musicdom..ness...ity...ism. Then, I read the 4/7
column where you, for the first time, posted one of my letters. Then, I read the intro to
the 4/8 column, proclaiming your love of the Backstreet Girls and N*Suck. Now, there are
two strikes against you: making a SERIOUS insult against a band of superhuman capacities,
and ENJOYING two bands that exist in a total intellectual void. On the other hand, you
posted my letter. Ye gods, how I am torn between fiery hatred and lukewarm indifference!
Well Mr. Jones, tomorrow's column will make all the difference. It is from tomorrow's
column, a single writing that can't possibly be representative of all that you stand for,
that I will derive whether or not you are worthy of the respect with which I have
heretofore recognized you. You don't care, but I sure do. Will I ever enjoy the DA column
again? Only time will tell. ~Stefano
This message is brought to you by the number R. |
If you're still reading this, Stefano, know that I still care deeply for you and I hope
for nothing more than our eventual reunion. But you must make that first step, you must
accept my polka disorder and help me work past it. Please, if you care for our
relationship at all, give me another chance. I will be waiting for you, as long as it
takes...
Closing Comments:
Well, that was hard for all of us, but we've made it this far, and I'm proud of each
and every one of you. I'll be leaving soon, but first, a topic for tomorrow:
Glutton for punishment that I am, I'm gonna continue in somewhat the same vein as we
were in last week. To be blunt, what is the future of 2D? Each and every new console
system coming out is an engine designed specifically to spew out near-photorealistic
animation for games. The Playstation 2 is ungodly powerful, a single unit represents more
computer hardware than James Cameron used to create Terminator 2. Can we really expect 2D
to continue in such an environment? Will there ever be another tile-based game created on
a modern console system? Or is the most we can hope for 3D models with
"cartoony" surfaces, like some of the models used in Futurama? Let's hear what
you've got to say on the subject.
-Chris Jones, "Hey, I do listen to techno as well" |
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