Double Agent
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - April 1st, 2000 - Jack Kroll

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. You don't really think this is Kroll, do you? Don't say we didn't warn you.


Some time ago I wrote an essay for Newsweek magazine, for which I am privileged to be an entertainment critic, pointing out the distinct lack of artistic merit in so-called "video games" today. At the time I thought little of savaging such a crude, technological medium, as the bleeps and bloops of "Pac-Man" cannot possibly compare to the majesty of Aida. However, I was surprised to find that these "video games" command a legion of vocal and, amazingly enough, literate, admirers. Newsweek was bombarded with irate letters insisting that "video games" were indeed art. As laughable as I still find this thesis, in the interests of keeping the peace with our reading public Newsweek suggested that I might interact a bit more with the "fans" of these "video games". Thus, it was arranged that I would take over the so-called "Double Agent" column at the "Gaming Intelligence Agency", ostensibly one of the higher caliber "video game" web sites on the Internet.

While I dread interacting with such riff-raff, my editor is withholding my tickets to Andrew Lloyd Webber's new musical to force my compliance. Therefore, I have no choice but to follow though with this exercise in lowbrow communication. The maintainers of the "GIA", as regular visitors call the site, have been thoughtful enough to provide me with a form consisting of various fields for me to fill in after I have read one of the submitted letters. After I have finished with the form, one of the "GIA"s "technical" types will convert my responses to "HTML" and publish the finished column on their web site, at which point I will be free to return to the soft, inviting bosom of The Great White Way. If there are any semi-intelligent readers reviewing this travesty, I am sure that they can appreciate my pressing desire to be done with this foolishness, so onward!

My "video game" credentials reviewed
Mr. Kroll-

I would like to know what your own experience with gaming is. It's not really fair to criticize an art form without first seeing what it's about. Have you ever played any role playing games, which are my favorite, for example? You mentioned Kessen in your piece, but as that's a playstation 2 game, very few of us American gamers have had a chance to see it yet. A more fair comparison would be to take a look at Xenogears, which is my favorite game of all time. Xenogears has very deep and meaningful symbolism, despite what some peopel say, and I belive it would make a convert out of you if you played it. Please take a look at what your criticizing before you review something in the future.

-walker dynomite

While I would normally endorse the journalistic truism "view before you review", I did not feel it was actually necessary to do so in this case. I have seen video games many times, mostly in commercials on television, and have never been impressed with what I saw. I have actually played a video game once in my life, something in a bar on a dare called "Joust", sometime in the mid-80's. A pointless endeavor to be sure, I lost my quarter quickly and have never felt a need to try it again. For my essay, I looked over many of the interviews and research that my colleagues Steven Levy and N'Gai Croal had collected for their cover story on the "PlayStation 2". The interviews with various technophiles led me to believe that very little was new under the sun, as far as their misguided attempt to create an entirely new art form out of "chips" and "bits". The screenshots of various games, I must admit, seem somewhat improved over "Joust", but honestly, what are the chances that the actual games have improved as much in the same time period? I therefore feel perfectly justified in dismissing these games without the same review I might give to a more legitimate work.

A technical explanation
Yo dude-

What's up with harshin' on videogames? They rock and the PS2's gonna be SWEET, baby! You, on the other hand, suck. Do you even know how a playstation works? Moron.

-QT3Z

The laughable incoherence of this letter only goes to show the validity of my position, that "video games" are strictly for high school dropouts and other troglodytes. But just to prove that I am taking this seriously, I called up Steven Levy, a noted computer "nerd", and asked him to explain to me how a "playstation", as Mr. (Ms?) QT3Z so eloquently calls it, works. Hence, in my own words:

The most visible feature on the "PlayStation" is the "compact disc reader", which, since it is the only part of the machine which actually moves, must be the most important part of the device. As Mr. Levy describes it, the "compact disc" is inserted into the device much like a music CD, indeed, it is possible that CDs and "compact discs" are related in some arcane way. The "lid" is then closed and the "PlayStation" then begins to spin the "compact disc" around, much like an old vinyl record, but apparently much faster. (How I miss those grand old days of vinyl! Many of my favorite showtune recordings are on records, and I consider my collection truly irreplaceable. But back to the subject at hand...) Inside the "PlayStation", something I like to call a "laser" is then activated. This "laser" consists of a "light beam", much like a flashlight but possessing some strange scientific property I couldn't quite understand from Mr. Levy's repeated explanations. Suffice it to say, this "light beam" somehow "reads" "information" off of the "compact disc", although I am not quite sure how, as I looked quite carefully at one of the "PlayStation" "discs" at the office, and I was completely unable to see anything, save for my own ruggedly handsome face. Perhaps there are tiny microscopic alphabet letters somehow engraved on the "compact disc", which the "PlayStation" then reads, much like I might browse the Sunday New York Times. At any rate, once the "information" is read from the "compact disc", some process must happen that converts the "information" into those crude drawings visible on the screen, but this process seems of little importance, since, as I said, it involves no moving parts. And now I feel quite drained after exercising my rational "left brain", so excuse me while I drink half a "Diet Pepsi".

Another confused individual
Dear Jack,

As a famous Supreme Court justice once said, "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see it." Well, the same goes for art -- I can't define it, but I know it when I see it! Both these skills come in handy while playing games; Dead or Alive 2, for example, is art, while Tomb Raider is pornography. But the point is, if you don't like videogames, you should just read pornography. Whatever floats your boat.

- Sideshow Bob

Here we have someone showing a little more promise than Mr. "QT3Z", although unfortunately not nearly enough. Between his laid back demeanor and desire for "pornography", I picture Mr. "Bob" as a young college fraternity pledge at one of our less prestigious state universities, someone who skips half his classes and spends the rest of his time "partying", drunk on beer or "stoned" on "weed". The fact that he is aware in some small amount of America's great legal history is encouraging, but as Alexander Pope once wrote, "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing." What Mr. "Bob" fails to realize is the context in which the Supreme Court Justice was speaking, namely that it should be up to our elected officials and recognized critics to differentiate between art and "pornography". Mr. "Bob", with his limited mental abilities cannot possibly make this distinction himself, rather he should leave it up to qualified individuals such as myself. And of course, I have already spoken on the matter.

More ramblings from academia's outcasts
Dead or Alive

Yo ... Jack. I read your article where you said videogames aren't art, and what I want to know is, have you ever seen any art? I'm a college student at LSU, and I'm taking this art history course cause it's a requirement. And a lot of it is just boring stuff like flowers, and grass, and oceans. Me and me friends sometimes look at the naked (the book calls them "nude" but I know no clothes on when I see it) women, but even that's not the same. I would rather play Dead or Alive and see some fine looking women's breasts jiggle than stand around museums. You say there's no art in videogames but I'd rather look at Kasumi than you. So ... what do you say to THAT!

--Ryan Ardoin

It becomes more and more clear to me that the primary audience for this column consists of brain-addled members of the varsity "football" squad. I feel very little need to answer Mr. Ardoin back (if that is in fact his real name and not just some "Internet handle") but I will point out that yet again we have the base male desire to stare at "jiggling" women. Or rather, I might presume, poor "digital" facsimiles of some imagined feminine ideal. If this is the future of this country, I feel somewhat better, for while the immediate years look grim indeed, the chances that this coming generation will be able to successfully procreate seem slight at best.

A letter from a Texan... well, what did I expect?
Mister, I don't much like what you've been sayin' about these here video games. Now, I gotta say, to start off with I wasn't too clear on why anybody'd give a hoot about that stuff, but then my nephew Jimmy Joe showed me some right good stuff on his computer device. See, first off, you got this here Tomb Raider game that Jimmy Joe spends all his time playin', and hoo-wheee, that Croft filly's got a serious rack on her, you know what I'm sayin'? Starin' at that a bit made me want to run off into th' other room with Lurleen, my woman, if you catch my meanin'. And then afterwards when I got back Jimmy Joe, or JJ, that's what we call him, he showed me somethin' even better.

Now, you sissified city folk might not know this, but it's gotten right expensive to go deer huntin' heerabouts in Texas. I mean, it ain't really at the point no more when you and your buddies can just get likered up and hop in the pickup with a few shotguns and shoot yourself some deer, no, now you gotta get a special permit that a workin' man like me can't hardly afford. So I was just plumb amazed when I saw that they make a computer game where you can actually go deer huntin'. I mean, my jaw just about hit the floor. I tell you, there ain't nothin' quite like blowin' the brains out of an eight-pointer, but playin' this game comes dang close. Plus I don't have to get dressed up in no fancy huntin' vest or nothin', I can just sit back in the comfort of my own trailer and hunt these here computer deer in my underwear. I tell you, it's amazin' what science can do today.

So when my nephew Jimmy Joe told me all about this editorial thing you wrote, I said to myself, "Now that city boy's just plain wrong." And then JJ told me you was gonna be hostin' this here letters column, and he said somethin' about the letters column not really bein' about deer huntin' games, but that ain't my problem. So I'm here dictatin' this letter to Lurleen, who works part time as a secratary so she types real good, you gettin' just as I say, right darlin'? Sure am honeypie, now look what you made me type, and once she's done typin' it I'm gonna get JJ to do some of that email foolishness and you're gonna read it and realize you're wrong about games, you hear me? Yours respectfully

Bubba Joe Smallwood
Waco, Texas

I think this letter quite speaks for itself. I remain firmly committed to my egalitarian principles, and I will gladly concede that "video games" may be entertaining and fitting for Mr. Smallwood and his redneck ilk, but they clearly are not for the refined palates of more civilized folk.

Now, that's just rude!
jack troll,

U really suck, ifi ever see suck a faggotish thing on the internet again im going to beat the living shit out of u over the internet because youre a phatty dyke, u can get the fuck off the internet and get me a diet peps while youre up u fuckin BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awful! Just horrifying, I mean really!

Closing Comments:

I must say, reading the deranged comments of the absolute hoi-polloi has been far, far worse than my darkest nightmares. But I have emerged more or less unscathed, and more committed than ever to the notion that these "video games" are merely popular trash, and if left unchecked will someday spell the ruin of us all. However, it is not my job to do anything about such things, as a critic I am merely required to point out flaws and move on. It is an oftentimes thankless job, but someone must stand up for what is good and noble. Having done my duty, I am now free to move onward and relieve my mind of this filth. To "Cabaret" I go, and good riddance to all of you!

 

-Jack Kroll, pompous blowhard

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